My husband and I have tried lots of different divisions of parental responsibilities over almost 14 years. When we started out, he was a student and I was a teacher, so I was the primary breadwinner. He was responsible for getting Kennedy (our first munchkin) to the babysitter’s house every morning. They often stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast or at Office Depot so Kennedy could play with the phones and fax machines. It bugged the babysitter when he showed up late and unannounced, but he couldn’t be trifled with that. When I began work on my Master’s degree (poor timing, perhaps?), he took the evening shift a couple nights a week as well. Our division of labor at that point was probably about 50/50, which felt just about right to me.
When he finished his Ph.D. and got a ‘real’ job, we had two kids, and planned that I would stay home with them. (If you know me, you know how laughable this was, but I thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing.) Luckily, I had the foresight to apply for – and get – a teaching position at LSU, so I never had to implement the aforementioned absurd plan. I taught three mornings a week and stayed home with them the other two days. He dropped them off at pre-school at 9:30… or 10:00, depending on how much fun they were having and whether they stopped for donuts on the way. Our division of labor at that point was probably about 70% me, 30% him. There were days when I longed for a 50%, 50% arrangement. (If I were being totally honest, I’d admit that sometimes I fantasized about a new arrangement, maybe 90% him, 10% me, but this is a blog, so I’m writing about the kind of person I aspire to be, okay?)
Then I got pregnant with munchkin number three and decided I wanted to get a Ph.D. (Is anyone starting to see a pattern of impetuous decisions?) This involved some serious upheaval. We bought a house near campus to reduce our commute time. We left behind great neighbors and a great church family. On my first class day, I scrambled to find a semi-private place between classes in which to pump because I was still breastfeeding my then 4-month-old son. After wasting five of my precious fifteen minutes, I settled on a not-so-private women’s restroom on the top floor of the education building. As I crouched over the public toilet seat to pump, my feet and legs began to fall asleep and I had to concentrate on not falling into the toilet. I felt like I was experiencing an all-time motherhood low and resented that this was not a responsibility I could share with Brent. But between a new pre-school, a babysitter extraordinaire, and Brent, I managed to carve out enough time to successfully complete my coursework. Our division of labor at this point was probably 70% me, 30% him, but that’s not including Mary Poppins, who grocery shopped for us every Monday, cooked two or three meals a week, and took care of the munchkins two days a week.
Then it was time for me to write my dissertation proposal. For some reason, this felt qualitatively different from coursework. It took more out of me. The constant interruptions that are commonplace with children who are 2, 5 and 8 started putting the squeeze on my productivity. So Brent offered to take a month off work (he’s a professor, so that is do-able during the summer) and take the kids away somewhere-anywhere-so I could have a solid month of time to myself to write my proposal. No butts to wipe, no mouths to feed, no fights to referee-just me and my computer.
As soon as I took him up on his offer, he started making plans for what he dubbed his month of ‘urban camping’ with the kids. Come back next week to read about our 100% him, 0% me division of labor experiment.
But before you go, what kinds of trade-offs or arrangements have you made with your spouse? Does anyone split parenting responsibilities 50/50? 90/10? What works for you? What doesn’t?
Click here to read Part II.
I love this post, Heather, and I think a lot of us can relate to what you have written here! I too went through a “phase” after the Midget was born of trying the stay-at-home parent idea, but by week 6 of my maternity leave I was already itching to get back in the lab.
We aim for a cumulative average 50/50 split of childcare and homemaking duties. Rarely, if ever, are we actually able to reach a daily 50/50 – on a typical day, its much more likely to be 80/20 or 10/90. My husband and I both take over parenting and household responsibilities whenever the other parent is stressed with non-parenting (work, church, hobbies, etc.) activities. We aim for a very egalitarian marriage, and don’t have set gender-specific ideas of who does what in the home. If it needs to be done, the first person who can do it does it.
So funny, Heather! I love the way you write. I can hear you telling the story just this way in book club.
Division of labor is a tough one. I like to remind Neal, in my mind, that the Proclamation doesn’t include housework in the motherhood section. ;) I’m not sure how the numbers would come out for Neal and me, most likely a lot more on my side since I am home and it seems kind of ridiculous for me to expect it to be 50/50. When Neal is home, he is just as involved with the kids as me, I’d say. But, I do more of the actual cleaning and cooking. So, that’s why I try to outsource to my children as much they can handle! Haha! They unload the dishwasher, put clothes into the washer, sort and put away all their laundry, clean the bathroom (although I’m more likely to do that now that I run a preschool in my home, want to be sure it’s really clean), sweep the patio, water the garden, etc. It’s work to get kids to work, though, so that percentage overlaps with mine to some extent. Unless Neal’s home, then I let him be the drill sergeant.
Anyhow, I love being able to stay home and have that freedom and flexibility with my time, so I see housework as a reasonable price to pay to be my own boss, do my preschool, run my little sewing business from home, and get all that quality time with my youngest.
Yes, it is a tough one. I’m not sure the 50/50 idea is realistic (although I’m loathe to admit this). I mean, let’s say I had wanted to divide it up 50/50. There’s what whole pregnancy thing. And then there’s breastfeeding (if you go that route). I’m not sure Brent–even if he was most generous with his efforts–could ever make up for the deficit created by the realities of biology.
What I think makes our situation unique (and I could be wrong) is that we have taken turns and haven’t always had the same primary role. Having said that, I have pretty much always had more of the parenting responsibilities, even though Brent does more than any other father I’ve met. He has to . . . because he’s married to me. ;)
One thing that really frustrates me, though, is the way motherhood and cleaning get conflated. Sure, the mom might be home more, so it might make sense, but motherhood doesn’t mean “housekeeper.”
As the first man to comment on this post, I want to both acknowledge that yes – I’m never going to make up for the deficit of birth and breastfeeding – but I AM going to try my hardest to get things to a 50/50 level going forward. I think it’s easy to underestimate what a positive thing has happened in the last generation – between our parents (Helen’s Dad and mine both subscribe to a division of labour where they do little to none of the housework) and ours, where we accept the equal roles of men and women in the home and the workplace. I’m really grateful for the time I get with my kids, though, and I regularly try to assess how I can make our family a more equal partnership, in every way.
At the moment, I’d say we’re probably running at about 60/40 on the housework. I’m guilty – but repentant.
Gah! I haven’t even TOUCHED cleaning/housework yet. Brent, are you reading?? ;)
I want to hear about the urban camping!! I can’t WAIT ’til next week!
Great post! I tend to do most of the work around the house and most of the parenting, because I’m with the kids all the time (I’m a SAHM). And mostly because I am the one that cares more and likes to do things “just so”, or more honestly “my way”. It works for me for now. Someday I’ll have to renegotiate the division when I go back to working/school…
Ha, Cheryl! Very funny. I hope you come back next week.
Kmillecam, I think a lot of women end up doing more of the housework because they care more and want things done a certain way. I know I’m that way. Brent often reminds me that if we are going to share these responsibilities, then I have to accept his way of doing it. Gulp. This is not easy for me sometimes. But really, I am shooting myself in the foot when I get upset because things weren’t done to my liking. Right now (because I’m not in the middle of a “omg, you forgot to . . .?” moment), I can dispassionately say that I am glad that my kids get to see that we do things differently. I am glad that when he is at home with them, he plays basketball or Barbies or paints toenails with them instead of doing the dishes or folding the laundry (which is what I would do if I were at home). Sadly, they will not remember that I lovingly (?) picked their dirty socks up off the floor, but they WILL remember that their dad allowed them to fix his hair in 8 tiny ponytails one afternoon . . .
Or, I end up doing more family/kid stuff because I care about it. Think Easter baskets, Christmas stockings, Halloween costumes, birthday parties, Christmas traditions . . . Brent enjoys it all, but if it were up to him, we wouldn’t do any of that stuff.
Does that stuff even fall under the umbrella of “parenting”? I hope so . . .
This is an ever-evolving circus at our house. My “feist”, as Brad calls it, keeps things interesting. I think we naturally refer back to our experiences growing up. It takes quite a bit of discussion/argument/planning to figure out what plan will make us both happy and serve our children best. It is so hard to convince someone that just because that’s the way it was in their house, it shouldn’t necessarily still be that way. Along the way, we make gazillions of mistakes. To me, we just have to keep talking about it, and try not to make too many assumptions.
Great post, Heather. Loved the visual of you trying to pump in the public restroom :).
Gah- that visual made me cringe. Heather… that sucks!!! Does your University now make any accomodations for breastfeeding students or faculty?
Good question. I have no idea. This was at LSU, where I was a Ph.D. student. I don’t know what the situation is at my current university because Stuart was 5 when we moved here.
I would like to think that if I were going through it again, I would’ve been assertive enough to just ask someone: “Hey, is there somewhere I can breastfeed/pump?” But when you’re in that grad. student position, it can be so awkward. And you are so unsure of your status. Or maybe you are so sure of your status and you know how low it is! ;)
Maren’s in the house! Thanks for visiting. ;)
I think it is critical for women to have choices when it comes time to discuss/argue/plan about what will make both spouses happy AND what will be best for the kids. Maren, you are a perfect example of a woman who is professionally qualified and who therefore has choices at your disposal. (People, Maren is a CPA and a whole bunch of other really cool, amazing things.) One of my sisters is a doctor and she has not worked full-time (hello, she has five kids), but she has been able to pick and choose what will be good for her professionally AND what will best work for their family.
That is one of the most important ideas I want to convey to my children. Be selfish about your education/professional training. Be very selfish because educational decisions you make at a fairly young age will either limit or expand your decision set if/when you have children.
That’s not to say that you can’t get more education later. Certainly not.
But for me, more choices is definitely better than fewer.
Love that image, Heather. Love, love, love it! The only thing better is the post that goes along with it. Reminds me of the general disconnect between traditional (read 1950’s) family idealizations and those of reality. I’m certain that the Ozzie & Harriet imagery has a profound and quiet impact on my own role as a father and spouse. I like to think that I’m a modern man but then the facts on the ground suggest otherwise.
We definitely don’t split 50/50 in our house, more like 95/5. I’m always saying to myself that going to work is my biggest contribution to parenting, but after reading this post I’m starting to think that I’ve confused house-holding (the modern version of “homesteading”) with parenting.
I can’t focus on the rest of the post because i just want to know where you found your Mary Poppins. I need one. Seriously, was this random luck or is there an ad I could place with certain qualifiers?? Lead me, O lucky one.
Crazywomancreek, our Mary Poppins was a one-of-a-kind. A real lifesaver. We found her via word-of-mouth after emailing someone at the LDS Institute in Baton Rouge. She has two kids of her own now . . .
We were not able to replace her, though we had a series of babysitters after her husband graduated and they moved away. We never even knew what to call her: “babysitter” didn’t work because she was clearly so much more than that, “nanny” – yuck, “au pair” – yuck.
Mary Poppins, are you reading this??
Heather, I’m so jealous of your Mary Poppins!
I love working, and I love being at home with the kids. I don’t enjoy however, the balance of the two and constantly feeling spread too thin. Thank Shiva that my hubby is a fully committed Dad and partner. Our unspoken rule is that once our feet touch in the front door, we are 50/50 with kids, home, pets, homework, etc.
I think feminism was one of the best things that ever happened to men and kids.
Laurie, for me, it’s back to the whole choices thing. I love working, too–and I enjoy being at home with my kids . . . for periods of time mostly determined by me. ;) I love my job, I love being with smart, funny, adults. I love going to lunch with my co-workers. I love my students. I love talking with them about difficult issues they might encounter when they become teachers. I love reading in my quiet, messy office. All those loves enable me to enjoy my family more.
I don’t much go to Girls’ Night Outs or weekly church activities to “get away” from my kids. I’m away from them enough that when I’m with them, I’m (usually/mostly) happy to be with them. But I totally get why those things are important. I just don’t need them because work–although it can be stressful at times–is my get away . . .
When I think of my husband’s parents, I am amazed that he is so progressive. He grew up in a household where his mom stayed at home and did all the housework, had dinner on the table at 5, and did everything as far as taking care of kids. When he came home and she was cooking, she would try to hand off the baby. He would say, “The last thing I want when I come home after a hard day’s work is to have a baby shoved in my face!” Oh my.
Because my husband is the oldest, he became his mom’s number 1 helper, Mommy #2. Maybe that is why he is really good about helping with the kids and housework. He definitely does the dishes more than I do, and he “glories” in scrubbing our bathroom. Hah! I have never cleaned our bathroom in 6 years of marriage. I do all the laundry, though, and clean the floors (vacuuming and mopping). When I leave for work, he comes home to be with the kids. And just like you said about Brent, my hubby is more likely to do puzzles or take them outside to roll down the hill (he discovered yesterday, by the way, that Lily is not coordinated enough yet–she just got down on the ground and flailed around). I think our division is probably in the 70/30 range, but mostly because I am just with the kids more.
@Dayna, I think my husband’s parents were more like that, too–and they were both teachers! Wowza. Funny story–after we got married (in Texas), we went up to Washington for a reception. We were getting ready for church on Sunday, and Brent was out in the living room ironing his shirt. His dad, looking confused, asked whether I was feeling sick. Then it was Brent’s turn to be confused. He asked his dad why he asked that . . . and his Dad said: “Oh, because I saw you ironing your shirt.” Luckily, I wasn’t there to hear that exchange. Brent explained to his dad that I wouldn’t be ironing his shirts no matter how sick or healthy I felt. His shirt–his wrinkles–his job. ;)
We do use an iron at our house–we dig it out and dust it off when the kids are making those little bead projects where you put the plastic beads on a little plastic tray thing and melt them into shapes.
Occasionally, if there is a wrinkle in one of my dress shirts, I just whip out my handy-dandy flat iron (yes, for my hair) and iron the wrinkle right out. Don’t even have to take the shirt off.
I always struggle with the ratio. How does one measure the contribution – in terms of hours spent, results achieved, grossness factor, etc? Does staying up all night to make Halloween costumes carry the same weight as staying up all night with a barfing kindergartner? I sometimes hate that earning a living, going to school, etc. doesn’t qualify as part of the ratio.
One thing that worked for us was dividing up the morning from evening duties. I get off work earlier, so I am responsible for dinner (for the most part) and homework, while he has some lee-way in when he goes so he is responsible for getting the kids off to school. Clearly we help each other out. The biggest agreement we came up with was this: you can ask someone to do something but you can’t tell them how it has to be done. If I want the kids to have something besides cold cereal in the morning, I make it. If he wants their homework double checked by an adult, he does it. If someone is doing something for the house or with the kids, they own how it’s done.
Mel, good questions. I think you’re on to something with the whole ideas of counting and measuring. The ratio. I’m thinking about how different our ratio might look if we counted percentage of laundry washed/folded/put away. Or Neosporin and Band-aids applied. Or cleaning up one of a host of body fluid messes. Or helping with homework (my least favorite) or piano practice (another least favorite . . . I have a lot of least favorites).
I think staying up late to make Halloween costumes definitely counts!
When I worked full time and my husband stayed home to home educate the children and take care of the child rearing and household duties, I participated minimally. I might teach a child or two math and reading before leaving for school. Meals were delegated to the children on a rotating basis. Laundry was done by my husband and the kids. I did my own work clothes laundry, for the sake of the clothes!. All other household duties were shared by my husband and the kids. Basically, I went to work, came home, slept and went back to work. So 99/1 with regard to household and child rearing duties.
NOW, it is more like 70/5 and the rest just doesn’t get done. LOL
Gail, this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. We have a lot of that going on, too. ;) A LOT of stuff just not getting done.
Like Mel’s family, we have settled into some patterns based on what is practical. When I had a new baby, my husband got the older kids up and off to school. Now they are old enough to do it mostly on their own- he trained them well :-) We just have to herd them. Because I work part time and mostly during school hours, the carpooling, dinner, doctor appointments, and the bulk of practice and homework fall on me. Housework falls to whoever cares the most- I do laundry, he cleans up after dinner. I get on the kids about their rooms. I intend to clean the bathrooms but truthfully he often gets to them before me. I think we are a lot like Gail…. a lot of it just doesn’t get done. I will say this… I am usually the quiet one if I’m around women who complain about how little their husbands do to ‘help’ around the house. Most of what they say could be said about me!
I found this easier to negotiate when I was working full time, where we seemed to sit around 60/40 — largely because of biology and all the breastfeeding that was going on. I’ve been at home for the last four years and it has been harder to balance, probably still 60/40 on parenting stuff — my husband has always been really involved, but more like 80/20 on house stuff. In some ways, I see that this is a pretty fair division of labor, but sometimes it really bugs me. It will be interesting to see how this all shakes out as I return to full time work (hopefully) in the next two years.
I love this, thank you. I work full-time while my husband has been a stay-at-home dad since our first was born 5+ years ago. I think our arrangement is perfect – as soon as I get home from work, I take over primary kid duty (the 5:00pm-7:00am shfit). I see this as a gift since I don’t have mommy-regret about missing out with the kids, and they have very balanced relationships with both of us. My husband also gets a break. He has lots of hobbies to keep him busy at home, while I don’t have any really and find a lot of fulfillment in my career. It has often felt pretty isolating as an LDS family, both for him and me. Nobody (that we have met, I’m sure they’re out there) has a similar arrangement. Our newest bishop has bluntly told me he “just doesn’t understand our situation”, and when men come to visit our home they only ever ask my husband about his job, career, blah blah blah. The feminist parts of me have to be reigned in during these visits. But I know this is the right thing for my personality, his personality, and the goodness it brings to our family, especially when the alternative would be daycare or a husband who worked 16-hours day in unfulfilling drudgery. We are PARTNERS, which is really how I read the Proclamation to be saying.
@Jessica, why aren’t you my friend in real life? :)
Like you, I have actually not met anyone with your arrangement. I’ve only heard that people like you and your husband exist. ;)
I was just talking to my daughter about this today, since she came home with a little scenario after church about a girl deciding what to do with her life–use her “fine scientific mind” or fulfill her divine responsibilities and stay home to raise children. Gag. I hate that my daughter is being presented with two life choices: use her fine mind or stay home and raise children. This is such a false binary construct.
Work division is an interesting topic, and for obvious reasons I think that women think about it more than men.
My wife and I both travel a lot. She visits her family 3 or 4 times per year for a week at a time while I take care of the kids 100%. I travel for leisure also (Mormon studies conferences and a ski trip each year), so that it balances out — except that this does not include the travel I do for business 6 to 10 times per year for 3 to 5 days each.
We travel as a family several times a year, and the division of labor while we’re traveling fluctuates depending on where we are and what needs to be done, but when we’re traveling, we work together to get things done more because efficiency tends to be more important. This is as close to a real-time 50/50 split as we come, but my wife still does more of the work. In fact, my wife does almost everything that relates to planning and logistics, to the extant that I’d be completely lost if I actually had to prepare to fly the family anywhere on my own.
When we’re both home, it’s frequently the case that one or the other of us is doing 100% (or close to it) of the current housework for some interval, and we switch off. When we’re both home and active, we’re usually not doing housework, but we will do some chores together, usually the more social ones, like cleaning a room together. In any event, the housework is nowhere near a 50/50 split. My wife does the lion’s share. She’s a stay-at-home mom, though she has her sights set on grad school as soon as our last kid hits full-day kindergarten.
When I take care of the kids 100%, like when my wife is out of town for several days or doing something that takes several hours. The multi-tasking cycle is far more choppy. My wife smoothly transitions to maintain a constant state of order, stopping at intervals to more thoroughly enforce order in the house, e.g., by supervising weekly chores. I tend to focus on one thing until something else has reached an unacceptable level of disarray, and then move to that. The work imbalance over the years has caused her to develop a much greater degree of situational awareness regarding the overall state of affairs in the house.
Of course, this is all my own point of view, and if my wife were to read this, she’d probably have several corrections that she’d urge me to consider.
I’m curious to know how your husband does.
My husband, DKL?
Yeah, with the 100% responsibility. You said you’d give us an update in a week. I’m a guy, so he’s kinda the one I’m curious about here. If I were to offer a justification for this that isn’t tied to the fact that I’m a guy, it would be pretty lame. like “there are a lot more people with a month to themselves than there are husbands taking 1 month off work to take care of 3 kids for 100% of the time.”
We go through phases where my wife is more or less upset about the division of parenting and housework. Since she is a SAHM, I say that the things she does while I’m at work cancel out the things I do at work. Yes, I get a lunch break; and yes, there is free time at work, but she gets the occasional nap as well. When I come home, then the housework and kids should be split 50/50, and I think it is. However, IMO, that means on the days she spends all day doing laundry or whatever, my coming home shouldn’t be the signal for her to sit back and I take over. She can sit back and relax, no problem, but no getting mad at me for doing the same!