“To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.” Abraham Lincoln
On New Year’s Eve, I ceremoniously drew my approval whore, thanked and then released her:
I welcomed a new year after a glorious hike and a fish and chips meal on the beach by flushing my approval whore down the toilet. She’s the part of me that believes people only like me because I give them what they want, I become who they want me to be.
As I drew her, I noticed she was stunningly beautiful, but had no mouth or voice. I thanked her for keeping me company, for teaching me about regret, honesty and the divinity within. Then I “released” her by washing her away. I’m sure many people will wish that I kept her around another year or two, but my hope is that next year I don’t even recognize her because I’m the living, breathing picture of my new name.
Ironically she resurfaced merely 6 weeks later. It was a last minute idea, really, adding my video to the Valentine post, kind of like the cherry on top of a sundae. But as soon as the inspiration came to me, I couldn’t quiet my excitement. Recalling the vivid sensations of silencing myself, the thought of reposting my video brought huge feelings of redemption, of righting a wrong. In the back of my mind, I worried this was old news because the only person who cared about this issue still was me. My estimations were off by about 273,000 people.
Joanna Brooks captured my intent and my thoughts when she wrote this in her post at Religion Dispatches:
As she sat at her computer, Melanie S. realized that her decision to take her video down had not strengthened but rather bruised her relationship to her faith. In yielding to pressure from local leaders she had sacrificed something essential to her Mormonism-something, in fact, essential to faith itself: individual conscience and the courage to act on it.
My video came from honest reflection and seeking of divine guidance, and I did it in the most thoughtful and respectful way I knew how. So the question I want us to ask is this: under what conditions dissent is acceptable? The Mormon church is alive in the sense that it’s ever-evolving. The teachings about personal revelation and being willing to stand up for the right are the very same teachings that are likely to make dissent a real issue among its members.
Last week’s post created a bit of a firestorm. I received a lot of love, a little bit of hate mixed with a pinch of nostalgic blasts from the past and a hint of embarrassment and shame. I was overwhelmed by the response and still trying to process, but these were some common themes:
There’s no way this happened!
There’s a been a wave of disbelief that this tame video could have had the results I describe. I have answered this a bit in some of the comments, but want to be clear here as well. I am not out to harm my Mother Church or those who work so hard to serve its members, this is why I did not include my bishop’s name and why I made the post about putting the video back up rather than rehashing the church’s involvement in Prop 8. I was as shocked as anyone else that these words could cost me my recommend. I purposely made my video one that was respectful to the church and its motives. After several hours of discussion with my bishop in 3 separate meetings, including an appeal based on Elder Clayton’s comments to the press that members were free to disagree with the church without facing sanctions, I was told that to leave the video up was to affiliate with groups opposed to the teachings of the church and would cost me my recommend and my calling. Removing it was a difficult decision, but one I made freely and in good faith. Preparing and delivering my gospel doctrine Sunday School lessons was a huge part of my spiritual practice at the time, and since I’d been to the temple, I had never been without a recommend. I couldn’t imagine a Mormon life from the sidelines.
Why I didn’t just leave or why I wasn’t forcibly removed immediately?
In stark contrast to the above questions about whether this really happened as I claim, I heard from many people who either thought I should have left or thought the church should excommunicate me. Coupled with the above comment, this proves that while Mormons all worship the same God, our experiences with this gospel are vastly different. Mormonism can’t be BOTH a place where reasonable dissent is tolerated AND a place where any dissent is cause for removal.
I stayed because I hope the answer to differing opinion is not leaving or removal, it seems that Mormonism has changed enough through the years to accommodate differing opinions. I do not believe we should expect Freedom of Speech within the church. We should expect that there will be lines that can’t be crossed in order to maintain membership and access to the temple. But those lines should be reserved for uncivil tone, usurping authority, etc. They should be clearly defined and not subject to the opinion of a local leader.
Prop 8 was only about defining marriage and has nothing to do with loving others, we do love them.
I struggled with reposting my video because of its imperfections (which have been pointed out to me tenfold in YouTube comments) and I wish I could have articulated my position perfectly. But what I was trying to convey and was lost on some people is that as I understand it, loving others doesn’t just mean feeling a warm fuzzy toward someone or wishing no ill will. We are told to love each other AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. I do not want society to deny me and my children rights that other families have because they disagree with me morally. I wouldn’t “love” myself that way, and I refuse to believe that it is a gesture of loving my neighbor.
So I go back to my original question. I want to know what you believe Mormonism to be. How much dissent can we tolerate before we are broken. And how do we know when our silence is respect and when it is cowardice?
Mel, this is the best post ever. I so relate to your approval whore who is so aptly named.
I firmly believe that it’s imperative to question everything and run a gut-check. Run a mind-check, and follow the heart. If all Mormons would do this and realize that their own divinity and inspiration is just as valid as the Prophet’s and the Priesthood leaders, and that obedience is not the highest commandment, then the church would be changed – it would have no choice. I realize that this will not happen anytime soon, if ever. The church values obedience to authority too much in it’s current state right now.
Yet, there are people like you and me – finding ways to speak with kindness that make sense and that don’t violate our conscience. We’re speaking the language of the church leaders, rather than the language of the unreasonably angry. I can hope that if enough people abandon their approval whores, and speak up – the church may have no choice but to listen and reconsider their approach. If the church fractures or breaks due to all of this thoughtful kindness, I can only say that it will be the best thing in the long run. Breaking the church open may just be the best thing, the most kind thing, that ever happens to it.
I am sure God/Heavenly Father/Jesus are a LOT more tolerant of us than we members are of each other.
Once we all grow up and realize that infinite love truly means there’s infinitely enough for everyone to be filled to overflowing, we’ll stop running around and telling each other they don’t deserve to be recipients.
I love this idea that there is enough love to go around. I wonder how many times I am experiencing a sort of “sibling rivalry” with others instead of knowing that the supply is infinite.
Hi, Mel. Again, I’m here via Mormonsformarriage.com.
I thank you for this post, and the imagery of the part of you that had no mouth or voice.
My parents converted to LDS when I was in my mid-20s. There were many things about the faith that I agreed with, and many which I still (vehemently) do not. I have no doubt that your ecclesiastical standing was threatened; after all, the President, Seer, Prophet and Revelator is the mouthpiece for God, right? So, standing in opposition to what the Prophet has said is standing against God in some peoples’ minds.
Me? I think the Prophet is a man, subject to the biases that so often accompany the elderly who were raised to believe that certain prejudices are actually Truth(TM) without spending too much time examining them.
That said, one of the tenets of LDS is supposed to be that the church is apolitical, and I think the church’s involvement in Props 22 and 8 in CA and the many other anti-GLBT campaigns in which they have participated kind of puts the lie to that. :-/
Thank you for having the courage of your convictions … and for finding both mouth and voice.
Gah! I catch myself sometimes here (and elsewhere) thinking, “Oh, no! What if I get caught?” or “What if So-and-So sees this?”
And then I hate myself. I hate that I’m a grown woman and I wonder if I’m going to get *in trouble* for saying something on a blog or on facebook. Makes me feel like a tween/teen all over again.
I also see a big difference in dissenting politely (albeit forcefully) and thoughtfully and trying to engage in smear campaigns or trying to personally discredit church members/leaders. And I hope that distinction is clear not only in my mind, but in others’ minds as well, but sometimes I’m not so sure . . .
I felt that “in trouble” feeling this week. I knew my family would be ashamed of my actions even if a million other people told me they were getting baptized because of it :) But I had to keep reminding myself that the trouble I get in with my own soul is the worst kind.
I like your distinction. The lines could be blurry, but that would be the exception rather than the norm I think.
And … I didn’t really answer your question very well, now that I re-read.
“And how do we know when our silence is respect and when it is cowardice?”
I truly believe, at the bottom of my heart, that when you feel badly about a decision you made, it was not a good one. Our “vibrations,” if you will, let us know when we have strayed away from the truths of our consciousness/heart/being/whatever you want to call it. When you feel good about a decision, you are in vibration/synchrony with your highest/best self.
I have learned to pay a lot better attention to that feeling, because it has never let me down. When you know that someone is taking an action that causes harm to others and you say nothing, I don’t think that’s respectful silence. I understand why someone might think differently than me, but that’s how I see it.
Mel = Awesome.
As to your first question, I believe the spirit of Mormonism is about seeking, not conclusions. It’s about the journey, not the end. I think that’s a big part that keeps me connected to the faith community despite my skepticism about some of it’s foundational claims and theologies. You could say my current life is a bit of a gamble that God – if He or She exists – is much cooler than we often tell ourselves.
As to your last, my credo is to navigate life with honesty and kindness. My approach is that if I’m in a situation in which I cannot voice an honest view without kindness, I’m showing some respect. If I CAN employ both honesty and kindness – but choose not to out, it probably falls more to cowardice. As you can probably tell, I’ve had experience with both. Thanks for a great post – and video.
@Laurie – I love the idea of giving authority to our own divinity and inspiration, but it is a scary idea to think you are responsible for your own relationship with God, your own decisions, etc. I don’t always know if I’m doing the right thing, and many times my good intentions result in regrets.
@Fiona64 – Finding that inner feeling is sometimes hard for me. If I haven’t been listening very closely to my gut, it’s hard to hear it in a way. It’s hard to get past the other noise. But you’re right, my biggest regrets in life have all been tied to when my intuition told me to do one thing and other people gave me good reasons to do something x and I gave them more credibility than I did myself.
Mel, what you did was brave. And it was right. The Church is wrong on this issue. This happens, and we should not as members run away from our responsibilities to stand for what is right.
Great post. I’m glad you reposted your video. When is silence respect and when is it cowardice? Your approval whore answered that one. Not opposing what we know is wrong so others will like us is cowardly–I’m trying to overcome that one. The trick is to express our opinions without being offensive and insensitive–something that doesn’t come naturally to most humans busily trying to defend our own egos.
Mel – I agree – it is scary to feel that responsibility. Somebody above mentioned something about “growing up”, and that is what it feels like to me when I take ownership of my decisions/actions. There’s a self-kindness that takes place too, in order to live without the approval whore, a sort of knowing that you WILL make mistakes, to expect them, and accept them. For me, my Mormonism background taught me that these mistakes were to be avoided at all cost, and that has been a very big idea to overcome. Somehow, going balls out and giving myself permission to sometimes hit the target, and other times miss, feels good. (when I’m able to do it!)
“So the question I want us to ask is this: under what conditions dissent is acceptable?”
Dissent is acceptable when the discussion falls on ears with open hearts and minds. Only with open hearts and minds can we truly be able to disagree, but still respect and tolerate each others opinions and/or lifestyles. There are ways to listen and accept others without anger, hate or having to change your own core values and/or lifestyle. Dissent is also acceptable in political and/or religious cases where people are being oppressed.
“I want to know what you believe Mormonism to be.”
I know Mormons believe in Joseph Smiths visions, a restoration of gospel, based on another testament of Jesus Christ (Book of Mormon). I do not believe in “one true religion”, but will agree that the Mormon church is one of the most organized churches/religions. I appreciate the focus Mormons place on family, but am saddened by LDS members who treat their religion as their only family purpose-and cannot separate religion and spirituality.
How much dissent can we tolerate before we are broken.
If there was an answer to this, we would have a solution for world peace.-)
And how do we know when our silence is respect and when it is cowardice?”
Silence is cowardice if what we are hearing or seeing is harming others—physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
On a separate note, history teaches us one voice can move masses to acceptance and acceptance moves to reform. 275,735 YouTube views (5,248 likes and 153 dislikes) of your message of love and tolerance, is starting to reach out to the masses. Whether the issue on discussion is gay marriage, Mormonism, or what it means to truly love your neighbor– what a joy it is to see (for the most part) words exchanged between different faiths and backgrounds expressing appreciation and encouragement.
Mel, Have you had a reaction from your bishop yet? Is the same man bishop?
I had a similar experience some years ago. One of our Territories legalized/regulated euthanasia. At the time we had a “right to lifer” running the stake newsletter and he was printing lies about the legislation in the stake callender. I approached the Stake Pres and he suggested I write a correction(I don’t think he expected me to do it because he was surprised when I did), which I handed out at a stake P’Hood meeting. My Bishop was also a “right to lifer” and he appeared at my door one evening with a letter accusing me of apostasy and asking me to attend his office a few days later. When I got there he asked me “Do you agree with me, your priesthood leader, that you have committed apostasy” which I pointed out meant I was dambed whichever I answered, which of course was what he intended. I got out of it because I was a High Priest and a bishop can’t excommunicate a high Priest. My wife is very cautious about me being too outspoken because of the stress this caused.
We now have a different Bishop and Stake President. Recently we have had the issue of same sex marriage come up as there is a bill to remove it from the anti discrimination legislation. I had spoken to the Stake Pres about the divisiveness of Prop 8 in California so when a letter was read from the pulpit from the Area Presidency asking us to make our political leaders aware of our feelings on the subject, I was very
concerned, but it was immediately followed by a letter from the Stake Pres making it clear that the church was not proscribing our opinions but recommending we express whatever views we had as part of the political process.
I don’t believe the church will break unless it is too britle, and I believe there are people in the 12 who are liberal enough to see reason.
Above are examples of the hard line, and the inclusive approach, the church can do either or both. Hopefully you will now see the inclusive approach.
Wow, Geoff. Interesting stories. There haven’t been any issues (that I know of) with the church getting involved in policy debates re: euthanasia here in the US, although my daughter was taught in YW that it was wrong. I asked her what she thought about it and she said she thinks there are times when it makes the most sense. I guess she made that comment in the lesson. I’m not sure the teacher knew what to do with her.
Mel, I’m glad you re-posted the video. I sent it to my sister, the LDS mother of a gay son; she loved it (and is forwarding it to others). On behalf of all of us in my family, thank you.
I hope that one of the reasons a lot of people responded “There is no way this happened” is because it is an anomaly. I hope most bishops wouldn’t take away someone’s recommend for their beliefs. As Voltaire once said:
“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it”
I hope you are always free to voice your opinion and that you maintain your temple recommend.
I’m still thinking of you Mel, and feeling so happy that you reposted your video. It really is hard to believe that these things happen sometimes, as they seem so surreal. But I believe you, and I know these things happen. They may not happen all the time, but they are certainly common enough for most members to worry they may fall prey to it.