Last week I read this comment in an online Facebook group:
“My daughter’s handout from Young Women’s today: Your greatest role in life is to be wife to your “sweetart” and mom to your “sugar babies.” Along with accompanying candy. I get it! Mormons want women to be wives and mothers. I don’t know how much I can fight that. But…my daughter is TWELVE!! TWELVE! Isn’t there anything better they can be teaching a twelve year old girl?”
(To think, I thought it was bad when my daughter came home with a die cut of a broom with a quote taped on the back reminding her that her divine purpose in life was to be a homemaker. No, I did not make that up, people.)
My first response upon reading the dumb Sugar Babies thing was Ohmyholyhell. Then I laughed out loud, all by my lonesome in front of my office computer. Seriously? Who thinks of this stuff? My 12 year old also came home from that lesson annoyed. She got in the car and said, “We talked about getting married today. Again. I mean, really? I’m 12, okay? I’m not thinking about getting married. Nor should I be . . . right, Mom?”
Right, dear.
While I was busy alternating between laughing, shaking my head, and doing a facepalm, the gals on the Facebook group were busy supplying suggestions for responses we could send back to the teacher (God bless her, for real) who handed out Sugar Babies to the Beehives to remind them of their divine role in life.
Here’s a sampling. These made me chuckle:
- “Can you write a note back that says: I didn’t expect a handout to promote such an “airhead” message. The handout you sent home makes my soul “krackle” at the thought of my daughter being conditioned to be just a “fun dip/tootsie roll” for some “Mr. Goodbar” to “skor” with. I would “snicker” if I thought it was a joke, but I see “good and plenty” of reasons why this is such a harmful message for my “Baby Ruth.”
- “Age 12?! That’s just creepy. Fight candy puns with candy puns, I say. “Be*twix*t you and me, the best part of church dances is *snicker*ing at the *runts* and *nerds*.”
- “I would give a “100 grand” to hear a lesson on how to get a career and a “payday” instead of another lesson on the importance of getting a “big hunk.”
I was grateful for the comic relief, but the message remains a terrible one. We simply must stop with the creepy/cheesy/dumb food + sexuality/modesty analogies at church. This is not our good stuff, people.
I cannot second this post enough. Just stop, already, with dumb puns. We don’t do this to young men! (We just plain give them candy without attaching some kind of cosmic significance to it).
Stop infantalizing young women.
Stop cheapening the gospel with commercialism.
I can hear Uchtdorf in my head (kindly): JUST STOP.
Yes, seriously. When did these sappy pun-happy handouts begin, anyway? (Someone ought to do some research on that one.) Any why in the world do so many teachers continue them? Why is it almost an expected part of the world of YW lessons? We can’t even really blame the manuals for perpetuating this one. This tradition is somehow something of our own making. A tradition that needs to stop, for sure!
Not a pun, but the worst handout I’ve ever seen—in Relief Society one day, for a lesson about marriage, the teacher had made little wedding veils, only about six inches long, out of tulle that she had gathered and stitched onto combs. She wanted us to all wear them while she gave the lesson. We all cringed, but being the nice Mormon ladies that we were, we stuck them in our hair, but of course, most of us had taken them out by the end. Is it insecurity about the ability to give a meaningful lesson that drives stuff like this?
I hate the seeming assumption that women have nothing better to do with their time and money than make this kind of junk.
Gah! That’s horrifying.
My daughter’s 5. What do I do when this kind of nonsense comes up? For reals, I’ll want to talk to the teachers and let them know it ain’t right. Has anyone done that? What’s been the result?
Also. Worst puns EVER! It would almost be okay but for that. ;-) (Just kidding, of course.)
In my YW’s class it was pretzels. Don’t give all your pretzels away or they won’t be valuable anymore.
All I can say is – thank GOD I am in Priesthood! I’m afraid I would go postal if I had to endure such nonsense…
I swear the Church is regressing. I don’t remember anything like this when I was in YW back in the 60s. I had the most amazing Laurel teacher, who was always challenging us intellectually. We had an art night with a sculpting demonstration and a drama night. We learned about female leaders in our community (both LDS and non-LDS) and we went to plays. Our lessons were deep doctrinal discussions where every question was valued and discussed. I would never have attended regularly if the focus had been on motherhood and homemaking, which just weren’t on my radar as a teenager.
@Katie I think this is one of the difficulties of being a volunteer church when it comes to callings. On the one hand I would totally want to do the same thing as you–just talk w/ the YW leader/teacher. But on the other hand, they are volunteering so much of their time (especially in the youth program), and I don’t know how to ride that fine line between being very appreciative of their efforts/time while simultaneously letting them know that I disagree w/ their approach. (Granted, I would go postal if they ever did a modesty fashion show or dress the girls in wedding gowns…so I do have my limits!)
Heather, I’d love to hear if you’ve had any experience talking w/ the YW leaders on a given issue?
It’s like you have to choose your battles or you start losing clout w/ the leaders pretty quickly.
I think I’m going to make sure my girls carry around small notebooks or something (if they want) during church. So they can write their thoughts and questions during YW’s–or if they are totally bored or annoyed w/ the lesson, they can fake that they are taking notes and doodle.) (My 3 girls are still little, so we haven’t gotten there yet…)
I agree that handout was annoying and that is not the message intended from our leaders.
But I do think it is never too early to point our daughters to the temple, we sing about it in primary. The focus should be about covenants necessary for exaltation which does include marriage. The world starts early with an alternate message and the family is the target. We do have to work to counteract that message.
I remember getting these handouts as a young woman, and even then I didn’t like them. It changes the focus from the learner to the teacher as she sets herself up for compliments on her cute and creative handouts. It also belies some gospel insecurity on the teacher’s part if they rely on this sort of kitchy stuff. For me, I would have preferred my leader to use that time to get to know me better, to come to one of my events, or just be kinder to me individually. And don’t even get me started on what we have done to girls camp…
I had a truly horrible YW activity in my old ward back in Provo: we had to learn how to set a table (not terrible), BUT–then we had to learn how to make conversation with our husband’s bosses. Seriously! It was like that scene in “Mona Lisa Smile”. It was the single worst activity ever.
Oh, no, Anselma. And this was when you were in college??
I went to a Relief Society meeting once where one of the activities was learning how to fold a fitted sheet.
let me first start by saying that i agree that we need more substance in our lessons and less frill and food. that’s why i was led to this website. but, some teachers are insecure about their own abilities to teach a gospel principle. let’s have compassion for that teacher, not judge her. thankfully church callings change regularly. maybe not soon enough in some cases. i feel the best way to handle these situations is to be a good example when it is our turn. plus, when our child comes home and talks about another dissapointing lesson or another cheesy handout, that’s an opportunity to continue the lesson being taught in a way that you find appropriate. hey! they’re talking about it! that’s a good thing! even though i am a yw advisor that uses the less is more concept when it comes to handouts and treats, i would feel so bad if a parent sent notebooks with their daughter to class to draw in while i gave a lesson, or if a parent came to me and criticized my teaching style. we all grow in the gospel at different rates, we are all different. simple as that.
Let me share a couple of things. I have four sons and five daughters, youngest daughter still at home. I feel the YW programs ARE getting worse, especially with modesty. I was a YW light years ago and don’t remember lessons on modesty. We did roadshows, youth conferences, sports, etc. However, the emphasis was on getting married. When I earned a partial scholarship to BYU the only comments I got from ward members were along the lines of “You’ll be getting your MRS degree!” I totally bought into that and married after one semester which is a story I’ll not tell here (after 29 years af abuse we divorced and I later married a NOMO.) Now, back to youngest daughter. After DD turned 12, the YW Presidency approached her because they were SO concerned that she lived in a part-member family and didn’t have the “priesthood” in her home. DD came home more perplexed than upset; I was the one who flipped out! I was so upset that I called the YW Pres. and we talked, which was so non-productive. My point to her was that she made assumptions about our family that weren’t true. My life with NOMO is 1000% better than with priesthood-holding abusive husband. My DD sees the respect, love and kindness in my NOMO husband’s every word and action. She has a healthy example of marriage and NO ONE has the right to belittle that and think they know better. The YW Pres. vehemently disagreed with me ands stated that it was her responsibility to teach what is “right” and my family is not the ideal. So, my chat with her was not productive in the least. Another example – two summers ago the YW staged a fashion show – with modesty as the topic, of course. What really cooked my goose was the phrase/teaching “beachwear isn’t churchwear” having to do with flipflops! Give me a break! When it’s HOT we dress accordingly. I haven’t worn pantyhose to the temple in YEARS and no one chastises me, yet that used to be taught in RS. I am sick of some YW leaders begining the cycle of shame and guilt on the shoulders of our YW, by teaching the “ideal” of perfect womanhood being marriage and babies. We do them a deep dis-service by not being realistic. Many of them will not marry RM’s or marry in the temple or even marry a member. And that’s OK. Teaching the YW to listen to the SPIRIT is so much better. They need role models of strong and powerful women, hopefully from within the church, but that is very rare. Please do not think I am disparaging motherhood; rememeber I have nine kids! When my divorce happened I had little work experience and even less education, which was part of being a good Mormon mother, I thought. Let’s PLEASE prepare our YW for the REAL world and help them learn to listen to the SPIRIT.
Several of these comments counsel that we can’t be critical of our teachers and leaders because they are only volunteers and are surely trying their best. While that is true, such an approach perpetuates mediocrity, ignorance, poor results, and worse, in the performance of “callings.”
The Lord (or at least Joseph Smith in his letters from Liberty Jail–later canonized, in part, as D&C 121) said “Reprove betimes with sharpness…” Yes, he was speaking to leaders, not parents of children being taught such silliness, and in such silly ways, as the many examples heretofore given. However, the principle is a good one. We need to develop the ability as a church community to give criticism, correction, remedial education, and sometimes releases to fellow saints that are doing a poor job (or doing almost nothing at all regarding fulfilling their callings), and potentially damaging others. As a parent, I always tried to gently fix the damage done by some vapid, insipid, lazy, or otherwise misguided teacher or leader–without demeaning the offending party. That is not easy, but the alternative is the perpetuation of some really silly, stupid, traditional, thoughtless, “doctrine” and the effect it has on (especially, but not limited to) the young and impressionable ones.
Bishops are usually the absolute worst at giving such criticism or correction. If the situation is bad enough, they look for a face-saving calling to move the person to–but that can take months. I have served with 7 bishops as a clerk or counselor–they were all too reluctant to “reprove.” And, in the 1840s, “betimes” meant “quickly.” As a manager of many people in my business career I was taught how to give clear, direct, and raw feedback/evaluations to those I managed. It was better for them, as well as for the business at hand. However, in the church, if it isn’t in the General Handbook, scriptures, or some GA’s conference talk, we don’t think we can apply such good and true principles–or get some education on pragmatic skills and effective inter-personal techniques–so we use the safest technique: avoidance and kicking the can down the road.
Reading this reminded me of a Girls Camp experience I’d long repressed. It was 1986 and we were gathered in the space they called the Sacred Grove and asked to vow that we would marry no man but a returned missionary. I was 16. It was clear that 1) Even though I hadn’t even been on a real date, I was being asked to make a promise in a holy place about who I would/would not marry and 2) I was being set up as some kind of reward for a returned missionary. I walked out.
I did eventually marry an RM, not because he served a mission, but because he was the right man for me. And we have a daughter who is smart and independent, and I hope she would walk out, too, if anyone ever tries to strong-arm her like that. And I would definitely have a word with the leaders.
The Young Women’s program is not degressing. What a horrible thing to say. Modesty is a HUGE problem. If you listen in conference when the YW General Presidency speaks they talk about Modesty because many YW are struggling with figuring it out. Many of these lessons should be given by the parents. I agree that all the handouts are not important but seriously your criticisms were rude. I find most people who complain about how bad the teachers are at church are the ones who don’t usually say yes to these callings. These comments were mostly infuriating. These teachers and leaders are trying their best and following the spirit. If they are teaching false doctrine let someone know. If they are irritating you just make sure your own children are learning the correct things at home. These programs are a suppliment. You the parent are supposed to be teaching your children the gospel.
Amen to Miriam’s comments!!! We need to listen to President Uchtdorf “STOP IT”
We do need to teach the doctrine straight up….
This article and most of the accompanying comments remind of a scripture that I listened to this morning 3 Nephi 11:29.
3 Nephi 11:29 “For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of acontention is not of me, but is of the bdevil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another”.
I just got called into young women’s, and that is why I am here doing research on how to be a good leader, but I’m sure I’ll make mistakes along the way. I just have to trust that God calls people for what they are, not for what they aren’t. I don’t feel qualified for this challenge, but I know that God thinks I have something to offer.
The click, click, clicking from one site to the next landed me here and I must say, the posts quickly reeled me in! The callings I’ve held most in the church have been in the YW’s organization, and though I do grasp the frustrations about the “candy” some of you have expressed, I feel the need to defend those (myself included) that are required to teach what we’ve been asked to teach, from the manuals provided (which quite frankly were outdated even when I was a youth 3o something yrs ago), while also trying to grab enough of their attention so as to hopefully inspire them and help them understand the importance of the message. Having had 4 teens of my own, three of them YW, I know how difficult it is for them to “want” to be listening to the 3rd hour of gospel messages, to “fight off” the daydreams of what they would rather be doing, and to actually “engage” in the lesson being presented. As an advisor, and a mom to teens, I’ve seen what grabs their attention and what somewhat lightens what can begin to get really heavy hour after hour, week after week. Most of the girls get a little laugh and find a moment of fun from the “cheesy” candy handouts. It shows them that their leaders have a sense of humor and care enough about them to have a silly moment on an otherwise long Sunday of meetings. Go find even the most stalwart teens and they will tell you it’s very hard to listen for the first hour let alone the next two. They need some silly, chuckle moments sprinkled in there and it typically gives them a visual to help them remember what the advisor ‘really’ shared during her lesson. It’s pretty safe to say that the handout isn’t ever the whole or even central part of the lesson. The Leaders are sharing the messages from the manuals, that are required of them, and as they do, they are throwing in a little creativity to help spark a smile, some focus and participation, and hopefully a creative visual that can reinforce their ability to retain what they’ve heard. I’ve had so many YW over the years express their appreciation for the “fun” handouts. We’ve laughed often over their “cheesiness.” Let’s give them more credit for being able to decipher between humor and a moment of lightheartedness and the importance of gospel messages. If the real frustration is in the actual lesson topic itself, luckily the new curriculum has arrived!
Hey, Vickie.
I’m sorry if you felt condemnation from my post. I am grateful for the women who serve in the YW program with my daughters. They serve tirelessly and for little thanks (if any). And I need to thank them more.
I am hopeful that the new curriculum (that is desperately overdue) will help with some of the boredom issues you mention.
Oh, one more thing…are we frustrated about a 12 yr old being taught the importance of Temple Marriage or the silly candy handouts given out after the lesson? I think it’s important to remember that the YW advisers did not come up with age 12 being the magic age to enter the YW’s organization, nor did they come up with the curriculum provided in the manuals. Apparently the “higher ups” feel that a 12 year old girl is ready to hear about marriage. Why are we bashing the YW advisors for teaching what they’ve been asked to teach? And as for topics of modesty, temple marriage, roles of womanhood…again, it’s what the advisers have been asked to teach! I realize that occasionally there are mistakes made by a leader…usually unintentionally but here again, we were not the ones to implement members holding said callings. Mistakes will be made, by ALL of us at one time or another, because none of us are perfect. I’m sure that EVERY person that has left a post on this subject has made a mistake while teaching in one capacity or another, has spoken too freely at one time or another and has probably given a lesson where someone left feeling, misunderstood, offended, confused, undervalued, etc…and more than likely, your message was just misinterpreted. I feel compelled to also add that lesson topics such as goal setting, education, developing talents (other than learning how to use a broom and snatch up an RM), self respect, learning to recognize and listen to the Spirit, and so on…ARE being taught to our youth, whether the lesson is accompanied by a cutesy handout or not. Let’s not be bitter towards one another when we are all just trying to do our best with the intellect, talents, direction AND our own personal plane of spiritual growth. NONE of you are any better, in our loving Father’s eyes, than the next guy!
Heather,
Thanks for your reply. I didn’t see your post before clicking send to my follow up post. Hopefully, we can all support one another as we try to do our best to serve our Heavenly Father and each other. I too am looking forward to the new curriculum…having said that, I hope parents and youth alike will be patient with their leaders. Though it seems like a much needed change, it does open the door for even more ‘discussion’ that can often result in misguided personal opinion, misinterpretation, and misunderstanding, on both the part of the leader and the youth. The advisers are going to need your prayers!!