[Note: This is one of a series of posts about being single in the Mormon church. Here’s a link to the guest post invitation Here’s a link to the archive for this series.]
I’m a single gay Mormon male. (I’m also a ginger; my friend keeps telling me I need to also become black or Jewish or something, just to add to my list of ridiculous, apparently contradictory labels.) I’ll be honest, singleness is working out pretty okay for me right now: I have a good group of friends in my YSA ward, even if I have to wear masks sometimes; I’m intellectually busy with school; I can retreat to my own spaces when I’ve had enough dealing-with-people for right now. However, I’m not sure I want to stay single in the long run, and so there’s a couple of options I’ve thought about pursuing.
So, let’s do a sort of emotional/spiritual cost-benefit analysis here. For each of these options, let’s explore the needs they satisfy and the needs they leave unsatisfied. (NB: I’m using the word “needs” here in a sense that is basically interchangeable with, say, “desires,” “wants,” or even “goods” in the abstract philosophical sense.)
Option 1: Homosexual relationships
The first option is to date men. It’s sort of the natural, atavistic way to go; I’m satisfying, in a pretty direct way, the powerful need I have for male intimacy. However, this intimacy probably won’t extend to religion (unless I find another gay Mormon, I guess). How am I going to explain the whole Mormon thing to my new boyfriend? Further, how am I going to explain the whole new boyfriend thing to my Mormon self? This path runs directly counter to the (current) teachings and expectations of the church, to which I have subscribed religiously for the past twenty-x years.
There’s some external motivation going on here too. I may have a hard time explaining the whole new boyfriend thing to not only my Mormon self, but also my Mormon community. In particular, there’s going to be some family drama if I go down this path. On the continuum of reactions between “buying a rainbow shirt and joining PFLAG” and “revising the will, lighting a candle next to a picture on the mantel, and never speaking the name of the Lost One,” my mother’s are closer to the latter end than the former. She’s had to significantly revise her expectations for how my life would go; I think she’s had these dreams of little ginger grand-babies, and now that’s pretty well up in the air. She often tells me, clinging to this sentiment like a life jacket, how proud she is that I’ve never acted on “those temptations.” I don’t even want to speculate on what would happen to our relationship if I started walking out with another man; it’d be a second shattering of the expectations she’s painstakingly assembled from the bits and pieces of her old ones.
Option 2: Heterosexual relationships
Okay, so, now let’s look at the pros and cons of a heterosexual relationship. This may be the deeply-ingrained heteronormative paradigm speaking, but you know, this choice has a lot of things to recommend it. Of course it would make my mom happy; she can have her little ginger grandbabies after all. It’s also got the patina of tradition, like the wood of the pews in the Tabernacle, worn beautiful by generations of hands. It’s deeply continuous with the teachings of Mormonism, in more ways than you notice until you start thinking real hard about it. It’s the nucleus of the cells that comprise the body of Christ. It’s woven into the organizational fabric of the church. We even invest it with eternal, salvific significance. And beyond all this it’s been what I’ve always pictured as my future: wife, sealing, 2.3 children, house, faithful dog, white picket fence. I think I’d make a great father, and I want to have kids so I can do cool stuff with them. So, I mean, there’s a lot of needs that legitimately get satisfied in this scenario; I’m true to my Mormon self, I’m keeping family expectations intact, and it’s something I’ve always wanted.
But! (Of course there is a “but.”) As you might imagine, the fact that I’m gay complicates the whole dating thing juuust a little bit. I recently ended a nearly-year-long relationship with a girl with whom I thought it was going pretty well because, as it turns out, she is kinda homophobic. (Trust me, I’ll not be repeating the mistake of not telling potential girlfriends up front.) Even if I find a tolerant enough girl, there’s still issues: I was talking to an extremely tolerant friend of mine who said basically, as a straight woman, she’d find it hard to be in a relationship with a man who wasn’t attracted to her in that way. I need relationships to be on level terms. I don’t feel right about even the possibility of afflicting a woman with feelings of inadequacy, mistrust, and/or guilt that could potentially last for as long as my marriage does.
And there’s another thing: If I get married to a woman, I need it to last. I don’t want to subject my hypothetical wife and children to the painful process of divorce. So while the accounts of, say, Josh Weed and Ty Mansfield are quite heartening, the accounts of a large number of other people for whom marriage has not been a sustainable option make me nervous. And here’s one more thing: I don’t know if this sort of arrangement will satisfy my sexual needs. It’s entirely possible that I’m more bisexual than I think, but because I’m Mormon and have certain rather strict beliefs about extramarital sex, I have no real idea whether I’d be able to sustain a sexual relationship with a woman.
Option 3: Celibacy
Of course, there is a third way, which is to stay single and celibate forever. Here again, I’m fulfilling my need to stay in the lines drawn by the church, because this is the church-approved model for gay people right now. There’s something sort of noble about this third way. It’s like jumping on a grenade, or something. I’ll not only save myself from doing things that we’re extremely sure (based on the threadbare warrant of a few questionably-translated words of Paul, and none at all of Jesus, Mormon et al., or the Lord speaking through Joseph Smith, but don’t get me started) are Morally Bad, but I’ll also save some poor girl from having to be my eternal gay-beard. Maybe I won’t have the 2.3 children, and maybe the house with the white picket fence is a little extravagant for one (can I put up a white picket fence in a modest apartment?), but I don’t see why I can’t have the faithful dog to greet me happily when I come home and satisfy my need for emotional connection with another living thing. And hey, I’ll have the knowledge that I’m living exactly the way my church officially prescribes to keep me warm at night. What I’m getting at, in the sarcastic way I tend to use to avoid directly confronting things that are emotionally painful, is that in the long run, this third way sucks.
This third way does, I’ll admit, fulfill my spiritual need to stay connected to my faith community, and my emotional need to stay connected to my family. However, it fails miserably on every other count. I am not a monk. I have other needs than these, and I need to listen to those too.
Now the real problem is, there’s no way around making this decision. If I pursue a relationship, I have to decide between one or the other, and if I choose not to decide, I still have made a choice (thanks, Neil Peart!). And down any one of the three paths lies a complicated tangle of fulfilled and unfulfilled needs that are all very real and very pressing.
–Guest
[Previous post in this series: Single Experiences: I Just Want to Date Myself]
Both my empathy and fear increase by reading this post: empathy for the writer and fear for all the good people who find themselves in such difficult circumstances. Thanks for sharing!!
The options you list are considered “the options” by many mormon single adults – heterosexual and homosexual. Marry outside the faith? “Settle” on someone (who perhaps wouldn’t be a 1st choice) within the faith? Remain celibate? Difficult choices, with potentially soul-crushing options. That’s how I felt, several years ago, as an achingly lonely 28 year-old who just couldn’t seem to connect with mormon singles of the opposite sex. I’m forever grateful to a trained counselor who helped me find my own answer within myself. I highly recommend seeing a therapist, if that’s something you might be interested in!
What a thoughtful post. It all seems logical enough, but what if life really isn’t as simple as this? What if you’re not really facing some nightmarish version of Let’s Make A Deal and actually can have it all in the long run? Mormon culture says you have to choose between those three options, but have you ever considered the possibility that it’s not so simple?
I was in your situation years ago, and decided to just come out and live openly as a gay man. I lost my church friends, and that was very sad. I moved away from my parents for a while but never cut myself off from my family.
Two decades later, I give thanks every day for my many blessings. Lost friends either came back or were replaced with many others. I’ve experienced love and passion, and raised a child….all the most important things. She’s in college now and my greatest joy. Over the years my relationship with my parents was healed and I am closer to them now than I ever imagined possible. A few years ago I was visiting them over the holidays and we were at church. As expected, one of her friends asked “Why aren’t you married?!” My mom instantly blurted out “But I like him the way he is!” It was a moment I will always treasure.
Don’t be afraid, and God bless you on your journey!
I agree with Mike, there is a fourth option that you have not mentioned… stop allowing someone else to make moral decisions for you. Take a step back and decide for yourself what is moral and what is not. You don’t need religion to make that decision for you. Morality involves treating others well. If you can have an intimate relationship with another man and you are good to him then you are still a good moral person. Mike is right, you will find people who support you as you are.
Eventually when gay marriage is legal in the entire U.S., the Mormon church will change its policy and allow for gay marriage too. African Americans can hold the priesthood right?!?
I know the journey is hard. In the end, what matters is that you lived YOUR life however you wanted to. You are entitled to making whatever decisions you want. It is hard to give up the Mormon culture, family, etc. and I hate that it has to be one or the other. It shouldn’t be that way. You should be able to be Mormon (or whatever religion) and have your boyfriend come to church. All should be welcomed. Jesus tried to break everyone of judgmental habits that we carry on to this day. We missed the entire point then, if we can’t love everyone equally. My best friend is gay (we grew up LDS) and the day he told me he thought I would never speak to him again. Instead, I hugged him, asked him if he wanted to talk about it or not, and we went out for ice cream. He’s my best friend and all I want is for his happiness. It’s a rough road, and whatever you choose, you’re missing out on something. This is NEVER easy. Best wishes in everything!!
I am a bisexual active heterodox Mormon woman (how’s that for a long list of labels?!) ;) In college, i thought for sure I was a lesbian bc guys just never worked out and rarely interested me. And, although I never pursued anything romantic, my female friendships were amazing, intimate and full of sparks (at least on my end!). I prayed and prayed, asking God if I should just leave the Church. I felt trapped within the three options you listed and none sounded very nice. I kept feeling like I should hold on a little longer. When I met my husband, sparks flew immediately–something that had happened a handful of times with other men, but dozens of times with other women. In any case it caught my attention and quickly I realized he was my match. Now almost a decade later, I feel the same. We still have sparks. All this is not to prescribe a path for you or anyone reading this but rather to confirm the complicated nature of the situation and the need that everyone’s path be individual to them. You will know what to do. And when you follow what your internal compass tells you is right, that is integrity, that is being a good person–whether it leads you in or out of the church. Best of luck, your non-heterosexual sister in the Gospel. :)