Naomi Watkins, a former middle school English teacher, earned a B.A. in English education from Brigham Young University, a M.Ed. in language and literacy from Arizona State University, and a Ph.D. in teaching and learning with a literacy emphasis from the University of Utah. When not teaching literacy pedagogy courses to aspiring teachers at a private university in the Los Angeles area, she can be found hiking in the mountains, soaking in sun at the beach, traveling close-to-home or abroad, or reading a good book. In June 2013, she co-founded Aspiring Mormon Women, a non-profit organization and web site with the purpose to encourage, support, and celebrate the educational and professional aspirations of LDS women.
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I don’t relate to most of the articles, stories, and advice that exist about women and work/life balance. These articles primarily focus on the tensions, the struggles, the juggling, the decisions, and the choices of women who work (in and out of the home) and who have children. From these resources, one might think that the rest of us, women without children-married or single-either have no lives to balance (not true) or that our work, family, and social obligations are easily managed or compartmentalized (if only!).
I used to read these articles, stories, and advice for some glimmer of insight into a life that I hoped to have someday. Yes, I wanted (and still do want) a shared life with a husband, and children, and work. But as I advance in age, a husband may still be in the cards, but the children are less so, and work, well, it will always be a reality. Thankfully, I enjoy my work; I find it rewarding, interesting, and challenging. And perhaps most importantly, my job is a career, one that I see myself doing for the long-term.
As an undergraduate at BYU, I was surrounded by classmates who married early, who were having babies at a young age, and who were already talking about staying home full-time with their children. These conversations were timely for them; it was their present reality. I had plans to graduate, go on a mission, get married, go to graduate school, and have children. Instead, I graduated, and then, I graduated again, and yet again, without ever going on a mission or marrying and starting a family. Even though I felt spiritually guided to these graduate programs, I started each one wondering and hoping that by the time I graduated, I would also be married. I hoped that decisions about future job type, job location, and career trajectory would be joint decisions with a spouse, naively believing that joint decisions would make for easier decisions. And with that hope, I wondered about how my education and potential career would work when I married and had kids.
Would I quit my job? Would I keep working? Would I work part-time?
In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg talks about the tendency of women to limit themselves because of their plans to have a family. She says, “When it comes to integrating career and family, planning too far in advance can close doors rather than open them.” [i] I have watched many women in my LDS circles do just as Sandberg mentions. Melanie Steimle talks about how “for many years the extent of [her] career plan was to work in whatever job [she] was currently holding, hoping for the welcome interruption of marriage and motherhood.” When I taught at the University of Utah, I often asked my students why they were entering the education profession. More often than not, my female LDS students told me they wanted to be teachers because doing so would make them better mothers-often their only given reason. They weren’t choosing teaching as a degree and profession because they necessarily enjoyed it or had an aptitude for it or because they wanted to advocate for better educational policies and practices. Sure, receive an education to be a better parent, but all types of educations create better people-people who may be parents-whether it is an educational path devoted to teaching or science or medicine or law or interior design. The educational pathway to “better” motherhood is not, and should not be, defined by or limited to one or two doorways.
I now listen as many single LDS women talk about working jobs they dislike or in which they foresee no future. They may have initially chosen these jobs because they were meant to be contingency plans-just in case their husbands became disabled, or even worse, they died-but these promised husbands either left or never showed up. Or they chose these jobs because they believed they would never actually have to work more than a couple of years before they had children-but then, children did not come. They may have believed that if they pursued a career, they were limiting their options for marriage and motherhood. Thus, they chose jobs that were viewed as “safe” or “unintimidating” or “not too ambitious.” They may now work for low pay, finding little fulfillment and few options for advancement.
Thankfully all educational and career doors are not closed indefinitely. I watch as many of my single LDS women without children make changes to the lives they currently lead, both educationally and professionally. As Melanie shares, “At the beginning of this year. . . I sat down to do some long-term career planning. I set goals and sketched out a professional development plan; while my hopes for marriage and motherhood are in no way diminished, I feel excited about the professional possibilities in my future. Over the past several months, I’ve experienced first-hand how investing myself in my career has provided me with opportunities to learn and grow.” While marriage and motherhood may not be a reality for all LDS women, lives can still be fulfilling. I know several women who are returning to school to pursue advanced degrees, who are diligently studying to take professional exams, and who are bravely starting their own businesses or making career changes.
I, and many other LDS women, did not pursue our educations and careers “instead of marriage and the bearing of children.”[ii] I am grateful that I didn’t forgo my education and career in pursuit of a (still) hoped for future. Marriage and children in this life are not simply a reward for righteousness. Some might think this attitude pessimistic; I call it “realistic.” We hope for more, but we make plans for the now. We deal with the tensions, the struggles, the juggling, the decisions, and the choices of balancing our desires for marriage and motherhood with the necessity of and desire for education and work.
And we give it our very best.
[i] Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2013) 93.
[ii] Dallin Oaks, “No Other Gods,” LDS General Conference, October 2013. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/no-other-gods?lang=eng
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This is such a great post, I have talked to a number of women who went after careers or jobs that would “fit” better with motherhood…only to never become a mother. Now some are dealing with the heat wrenching reality of not having the children they so desperately want AND also have unfulfilling careers.
xox
This addressed my main frustration with “Lean In”, though I know it has other flaws, I find it so frustrating when women’s issues are so often eclipsed by mother’s issues. Just because I am single and childless doesn’t mean that all my decisions are simple, my career path unobstructed and my conscience is free of the guilt associated with choosing career opportunities when marriage and family never presented themselves.
I know so many women (myself at times included) who are afraid of investing too much of themselves in their work for fear that it will get in the way of having a family. There may be a day when we are presented with the option to give it all up for our families, but perhaps we could all wait until that choice is before us before adjusting our plans. Because, that day might come, but it might not. Maybe we’ll find a way to do both or one or the other, and it may be soon or late or never. But it is really a pity to waste what we have now for what could be someday.
Great comment, Maggie. This post, your comment, and a couple other in the “Parenthood Juggle” series highlighted–for me–the huge bias inherent in my initial call for posts in the series. Wow. Some real learning moments for me.
Thank you for commenting here. I’m thinking and listening!
Maggie,
If anything, ‘Lean In’ showed me that this tendency is not just a LDS-centric tendency, but a larger female tendency (although I definitely believe there are some aspects of LDS culture that exacerbate the tendency even more). And while I definitely don’t think I’ve “waited” in some aspects of my life, it has made me more reflective on areas where I may have held back or continue to do so. I agree with you wholeheartedly: “It is really a pity to waste what we have now for what could be someday.”
Bless you for writing this! It’s important that each Mormon woman know that marriage and parenthood are possibilities, not givens; we must teach our young women that while you can give up (or, more realistically, pause) a career to care for children, it is much, much harder to excel in a career you’ve never begun.
Thanks so much, Libby.
I think it’s hard on either end of the spectrum–excelling at a career that was never begun and/or coming to terms with the fact that marriage/parenthood may not happen. Reconciling expectations and reality is just hard, but I think honesty and openness can definitely help–at least that was my intent. :)
Wow – I find it fascinating that women believe that teaching professions prepare one for parenthood. I have been working with children for the last 18 years and have a masters degree in education from an Ivy League institution and I am no more prepared to be a parent at age 42 than I was at 21. Helping children develop in a professional setting is nothing like the work that goes into raising a child. Okay, so that comment was probably neither here nor there, but just wanted to get it out of my system.
I am glad I chose a career that brings me joy. Many of my single female LDS friends have chosen careers that are lucrative, but soul crushing. They have been told that they need to choose either a joyful career with low pay or a unfulfilling career for high pay. Most have chosen the high pay option because their attitude is, “Well, if I am not going to be married, then I will at least be wealthy.” I completely understand that choice, but I wish more of them could know that a joyful career and a healthy income are not mutually exclusive.
On a different note, thank you Maggie for your beautiful rant regarding things coming soon, or late, or never. I am very glad that I put nothing on hold. As it turns out, I am getting married for the first time in a few weeks at age 42, and the ease with which I am transitioning into this next phase is a direct result of my having no regrets and from learning about who I am through the mechanism of a fruitful career.
“They have been told that they need to choose either a joyful career with low pay or a unfulfilling career for high pay…wish more of them could know that a joyful career and a healthy income are not mutually exclusive.”
I find this point very interesting, Janna, since in my circle of single LDS women, I would say that most would align more with the former than the latter group (joyful career with low pay)–perhaps because many are in service-oriented professions? Or because lucrative pay wasn’t foreseen as necessary given that they didn’t plan on being the primary breadwinner? I’m not sure, but, yes, joyful & lucrative career do not have to be mutually exclusive any more so than marriage & education.
And, also, congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding!
I guess I did get a bit ranty there, I’m glad you appreciated it. And best wishes in your upcoming marriage.
I thought I was pursuing a joyful/high paying career when I went to law school – and 4 years out, I’ve ended up with neither. I feel like I was totally unprepared to negotiate a career path and have been hindered by my naivete. So I’m still working on it. I don’t need to balance family with my career right now and I’m willing to totally throw myself into my career at this point – just haven’t found anything to throw myself into yet. Thankfully, I’ve got time and I’m learning a lot from these kind of conversations.
Love this post. Thank you so much for your thoughtful commentary. Really, I think the best way to prepare to be a mother (or to be an adult for that matter) is to train yourself in a career that can provide support for you and your family, and then keep yourself marketable through either full-time or part-time work. Women are so much better off if they are able to provide for themselves or their families. There are just too many circumstances in which marketable skills would be needed (you never marry or marry later, your spouse gets laid off, you get divorced, etc., etc., etc.) that I think it is gross negligence to not teach our daughters to earn marketable skills.
Agreed, Beatrice.
And as we teach (young) women marketable skills, we should also teacher our (young) men homemaking skills. :)
*Teach, not teacher.
“Really, I think the best way to prepare to be a mother (or to be an adult for that matter) is to train yourself in a career that can provide support for you and your family, and then keep yourself marketable through either full-time or part-time work.”
Amen. Great point, Beatrice.
Wonderful! This is a conversation we need to be having more often in the church–especially with young women. Right after college, I taught high school , in large part because that seemed like an appropriate temporary job for a woman with an interest in science, to bide my time until I found Mr. Right and could devote my energies to the children I hoped to have. I have the utmost respect for those who teach–it’s a challenging but rewarding job. While I would never suggest that all or most women who choose it do so because they want to find a career that they feel is compatible with childrearing, that’s why I chose it. And I was miserable. I learned a lot, I did love my students, but the job was a terrible fit for my natural talents. I found myself anxiously eyeing the male members of my singles ward, wondering who I could convince to marry me and put me out of my career misery. (Slightly hyperbolic, but not too far from the truth.) Fortunately, I wised up a few months into this venture, and realized that I could make some decisions that would greatly improve my happiness in my work life, and I did. I faced some opposition from family–and some questioning looks from folks in my ward–when I decided to get a graduate degree in an applied physics discipline. But it’s definitely put me on the road to work that is more personally fulfilling to me.
My mantra during the years it was hard to convince myself to really put effort into my career was, “I’m not allowed to put myself on the mommy track until I’m a mommy.” In my mid-30’s and single, with no marriage prospects in the short-term, the mommy thing may not be in the cards for me. But, I think in large measure because I spend my days doing something fulfilling, and I see more opportunities for myself in the future, I’m really okay with where my life is, and don’t feel a lot of the single-woman angst that general conference talks lead me to believe some LDS women feel.
I’m with Maggie, I’d love to see more conversation about women’s issues and career issues that are not motherhood-specific. Not to take away from those discussions–certainly those are important–but there are a lot of us for whom those issues aren’t immediately pertinent, and it would be great to talk about issues that are.
Laura,
Writing this essay was a big step for me personally; I’ve written about aspects of my educational and career paths before on Aspiring Mormon Women and elsewhere, but until now, I have not connected those paths to my personal life and how they interrelate on a larger scale. I think that as single women in the LDS Church we have to be willing to share our stories–even if we might feel that our stories are less important (or not of interest to others or _____) because we do not fit the dominant LDS woman narrative. So this is one step, and I’m hopeful that others will join.
Wonderful post that really got me thinking!
In my college years I was deeply impressed with an article in the Mormon Women’s Forum by Alison Walker; Redemption or Abuse:Towards a Feminist Interpretation of Atonement (http://66.147.244.239/~girlsgo6/mormonwomensforum/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/MWFVol4Num3.pdf). Intellectually I came away with an understanding that attention to self is sustaining and not selfish. It is not my job to push Christ off the cross and try to take the suffering of the world upon me.
But then I left the feminist haven of college and started a career.
I ditched dreams of law school to teach at an elementary school in an impoverished Los Angeles neighborhood. At the time the decision seemed to mostly be about living in a sunny place and avoiding more schooling. I wasn’t waiting for a husband, but I was choosing a career I could fit around the schedule of my future children. Six years later the move into social work was organic and fueled by my passion to change lives and strengthen families and children (But still a profession with a lot of potential for adapting to the schedule of a family.)
Seven years later friends are moving on from Starter Husband 1.0 to Husband 2.0 and still no husband or children for me. Amen to the comments about how hard it can be to a find a work/life balance as a single woman! In a female dominated profession with a bottomless reserve of needy individuals, the childless women in my office are the most likely to be working unpaid overtime. No kids or hubby to get home to so they stay and try to keep up with endless need. Too often I’ve found myself in the ranks of those working late nights and weekends. It is hard to say “no” without the excuse of relationship/familial obligations.
Disturbingly, education and awareness have not prevailed over a hard wired feeling that at some level I need to compensate for my lack of spouse and children through a noble profession and extra efforts to help the poor and needy. As I have moved from one difficult specialization (older youth adoptions) to another (investigating child sexual abuse) the more I derive a sense of worth and identity from my professional suffering. Lots of Church members let me know on a regular basis what a “sweet spirit” and “special heart” I have to work in my profession. Sometimes it feels like I’m being praised for staying with an abusive partner. At the same time, self care has severely deteriorated as work stress increases.
I am not in my profession for praise or glorification of suffering. I have a genuine passion for functional families and happy children. But too often I feel like the cues I get from my religious community reinforce the suffering/guilt trappings of my profession and impede my efforts to find a self sustaining equilibrium. I wonder why it is so hard for me to let go of the idea that I am being selfish when I nurture myself and seek a balance between work and life.
In my twenties I dated more than one young man that in post-mission zeal declared their plans to become immensely wealthy so that they could be a mission president or stake president one day. Wealth acquisition for them was directly correlated to leadership positions in the church and spirituality. They had a clear sense that professional success would translate into recognition and responsibility in the church.
What would it be like if women in the church also felt that professional success could translate into recognition and responsibility at church?
What would if be like if the the zealous newly returned missionary worried about how to balance a family and career?
April, you bring up good points. Your final paragraphs have interesting summations. Just last night my wife and I were talking with my step-mom about the flawed views members have about wealth and wealth-chasing and careerism. What’s hidden (largely) in the view of leaders being (perhaps) wealthy is those individuals’ early initial commitment to consecrate their lives and serve the Lord regardless of their life. If we focus only on wealthy attorneys who have been leaders, we miss the nuclear engineers and physicians and seminary teachers. Those who chase wealth as a means to (think they can) serve as leaders may well find they will end up living in a dry spiritual desert, and they do — unprepared and weak for what’s required in leadership and always passed over because they never learn and never bothered to learn more important things. As an undergrad, I heard over and over from girls around me about going into teaching as a foundation for a family, which I thought so odd, since there are and were so many counter-examples. The problem is hearing, perhaps? Is the LDS culture a culture of excessive ear wax? Your last paragraph about women and professional success translating into recognition and responsibility at church troubles me, but perhaps I’m misunderstanding something? Isn’t this is the same incorrect ephemeral goal fellows falsely follow? Serving the Lord and a commitment to do that comes first, and is in a largely hidden area of an individual’s life. I do wish the post-missionary zeal (of fellows) included more of a focus on balancing family and career, but we do see it more often now (that they do focus on their spouses and families) in the young couples that flow through our ward. Those fellows who forget family in search of the career pay a price, as their families do, and that has never been pretty to watch.
As far as professions involved in leadership, there was a Mormon Times article in the past year (in response to the focus on Mitt Romney and his life?) that examined the occupations of priesthood leaders, and the spread in occupations and ages was wide. Cement-truck drivers, trash-truck drivers and highway patrol officers make as good bishops as attorneys (perhaps better, because they have less to unlearn). Postal workers, scientists, city administrators, electricians are all in the mix (all these from my own leaders). In the spread of genes and talents in the population, the Lord’s (future) leaders are not hidden to him. As we are all nascent gods, we can either learn to and work to fulfill that role, or we can choose lesser ones. The leadership roles of women is similar — profession preparation has to also have a spiritual preparation preceding it, or under it, and simply because training or schooling hasn’t occurred doesn’t mean the genes failed to flow in the family. Camilla Eyring was heir to the same parents and genetic gifts that her more famous brother had, and the temptation certainly exists that because she had a bit quieter life doesn’t mean she trailed him in intellectual gifts. That’s our prejudice, and we need to get over it. We are surrounded by talented individuals, and if they choose to be quiet about their accomplishments, that’s their own choice. My favorite (recent) example of this was a Sunday School teacher who had graduated from McGill and Harvard, but kept it quiet, and her brilliance extended to the classes she taught, where she gave a pure focus on the spiritual aspects of the lessons, and never focused anything in the lesson on how smart and accomplished she was. Incredible role model, yet I could tell some folk might think of her dismissively since she didn’t parade her accomplishments. Those who mattered knew, and those who cared (about degrees) fortunately didn’t matter in this. Her kids and husband have a gem in their lives. Her husband absolutely knows it, and her kids will. She will bless everyone she comes in contact with, perhaps because of her scholarly accomplishments, but more because of who and what she is and has chosen to be. The same goes for fellows.
April,
In addition to single/childless women “volunteering” for overtime, I’ve also seen where extra work is given to them because “they have the time.” I’ve seen this happen in both professional AND church settings. “Oh, we’ll just have the singles do it; they don’t have anything else to do.” I don’t think this way of thinking or management is appropriate either.
There is also a pervasive line of thinking that childless women can mother in other ways than traditional mothering, which sure, but I think that this leads people to believe that the only “worthy” professions then are those that tend to be more service-oriented (teaching, nursing, social work, etc) where other people’s children are mothered.
And I really wish for a world where your last two questions weren’t wonders but knowns.
Thanks for your feedback Observer. I hope nothing I wrote promotes wealth chasing and careerism as a means to serve God. If I could travel back in time I would remind my zealous return missionary friends that “faith, hope, charity and love with an eye single to the glory of God qualify him for the work.” I don’t believe church service callings should have anything to do with profession or wealth. However, when I think about “serving God with all my heart, might, mind and strength” I circle back to Naomi’s post and her commentary on LDS women working in while-I-wait-for- my-prince-to-come professions and holding back on using all of their heart, might, mind and strength. I’d like to see more emphasis on women in the church serving God through a multiplicity of means that include but are not limited to child rearing and home making (not the construction kind). I agree that many men in the church (especially young fathers today) are really excelling at using all of their “heart, might, mind and strength” to serve God through devotion to child rearing and home making in tandem with a career and even occasionally as stay-at-home dad’s.
The sea change I’ve seen in attentiveness and focus in younger fathers on their families is really impressive. Naomi’s original post about the waiting-for-the-prince professions that end up putting someone in less-than-fulfilling employment positions is timely, and has been for a some decades. It’s more likely the LDS culture, and it seems to take a generation or so to change cultures. Fortunately it does move forward. So long ago I remember Pres. McKay’s quote about “no other success in the world …”, and the long time it took for members to focus on their families if they were in leadership positions. Pres. Hinckley’s example, and his family, was terrific. I knew Sis. Pearce when I was in college, but didn’t get the connection with the Hinckley name until she was in the YW General Presidency.
Naomi,
“There is also a pervasive line of thinking that childless women can mother in other ways than traditional mothering, which sure, but I think that this leads people to believe that the only “worthy” professions then are those that tend to be more service-oriented (teaching, nursing, social work, etc) where other people’s children are mothered.”
Yes!!!
These service professions are a second chance at “mothering” for the marriage/family flunkies (not true, but culturally perceived as so). They also tend to be underpaid, overworked, mostly female professions with a disproportionate number of men in leadership roles. The service as profession dynamic makes it very difficult to find a self sustaining balance in giving all of heart, might, mind and strength.
Naomi, thanks for putting into words so many of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had over the years.
A couple of unrelated thoughts:
1) Just as we need to teach (young) women to consider all educational options, we also need to help (young) men appreciate women who are pursuing educations and careers outside the traditional helping, female-dominated fields. I’ve heard too many single men say that because a women is majoring in science/pursuing a graduate degree/excited about her career, she must not desire to be a mother.
2) It’s funny, at times I feel like because I’m single, I’m expected to accomplish more professionally. When people speak positively of single, professional LDS women, it’s usually to cite examples like Sheri Dew (CEO of Desert Book), Jane Clayson (award-winning journalist), along with women who earn PhDs and start non-profits. Sometimes it feels like I need something really big to show for my time. While I am “aspiring,” my aspirations lie more in getting really, really good at what I do, rather than reaching top-level positions. None of this is to disparage women who reach prominent positions, just to say that success takes on various forms.
Part of me would really love to “relive” the part of my life where I was not willing to take more risk, be more aggressive, and live a more full life. I was waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like my church membership kept me from dating possible matches, reaching educational potential, having children on my own, and being my best self. Decades I wasted — waiting. I finally gave my self permission . . FINALLY. But I wasted decades. I wish I could tell my 20 year old self . . . free yourself. You are still a Child of God. Be happy — leave the church and follow your heart. Notice: I am NOT saying be corrupt and revel in sin. I would warn myself that if chained to this place . . your progression will be limited. The church will not deliver on marriage, family, and children. There are simply more women than men. So women need to think outside the box to enjoy the spiritual life that includes these things. And . . . I would tell my younger self . . . you are worth more than celibacy on a shelf. The church is becoming a place of talented “nuns” who are hoping some inadequate man will pick us.