Penelope’s List

Is the desire to be happy a human universal? Or is it just another one of those preferences that arise from the murky depths of some personalities?

On its face this question seems to have an obvious answer. I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy? You? Seen a shrink lately? Heh. Yet I think there’s at least some anecdotal evidence which suggests that happiness is not at top of list for many people, including myself. There’s something else I want … something which I regularly agonize over … and agony is definitely not happiness but it is unquestionably a poignant experience and THAT is what I want.

For example, I spend a great deal of time scanning the internet for something, searching through massive amounts of data but not really knowing what I’m looking for, and isn’t this one reason why the internet is so awesome? It’s the ultimate hunting ground for the ancient huntsman in some (all?) of us. So many of my needs have been satisfied in this modern world, but I still have to hunt and cannot help myself. There’s always something missing, an itch that must be scratched, and occasionally I come across a particularly strong scent on the trail and my heart skips a beat, then races and I have to take a few moments to recover my breath and senses. In this moment I’ve come closer to the questing beast than ever before. This happens to me often enough to keep me on the trail, and is highly rewarding. It happened again recently while reading Penelope Trunk’s 5 Reasons to stop trying to be happy. Penelope’s words did not make me feel happy but in response I sensed that I’m not alone in not wanting to be happy — I felt acknowledged and actualized, an extremely poignant moment.

I’m going to include Penelope’s list in full, but with my own comments. Her words are certainly more interesting, well written, and follow an entirely different path, so be sure to go read her and let me know if you have a similar or different reaction than I had. Penelope uses the Jehovah’s Witnesses for her HAPPINESSâ„¢  prop while I’m inclined to use Mormonism, you know, because that’s who gets to go to heaven, the Kingdom of Happiness, or so we’ve heard.

Or maybe not, so here we go — with one caveat: I’m speaking from personal experience and my own perspective here and am utterly aware that some folks will be baffled and may even suspect that I’m possessed by a devil. So be it.

1. The real path to happiness is contentment, and it looks a lot like hell.

When I think of reasons for my dislike of going to church or to the temple or for holding family home evening or any other in a long list of Mormon rituals of orthodoxy, and after striking-out all the half-hearted and flimsy arguments to the contrary, after disentangling my love and devotion for family and friends, I’m left with a pervasive and dreadful feeling that very little remains but something un-natural and lacking. I ask myself, “if this is meant to be the closest approximation of heaven on earth then I don’t want to go to heaven … not for a day and certainly not for eternity.” Somewhere along the way, Mormons found the need to create a little bit of hell on earth and re-brand it as HAPPINESSâ„¢.

I’m not saying that Mormons are a contented people or that they explicitly strive for contentment. In fact I remember, back when I was a Mormon missionary, laughing conceitedly at the contentment of your average Jehovah’s Witness with trimming rose gardens for all eternity. Hey, why would you want to do that if you could be a God? Yeah, total excitement and adventure to be had if only you’d look up from those roses for a moment and see what the true God has to offer. No, I’m not saying that Mormons explicitly believe in pursuing contentment, rather that they talk the talk of awesomeness but postpone the walk to some ambiguous moment after death. In the meantime, as I’ve learned from experience, a Mormon must do all these things, attend all these meetings, suffer through a lifetime of suppressing curiosity, and playfulness, and rebellion. We must be content in the faith, devoted to the practice, and willing to suffer to the end … in exchange for the promise of a life after death so astonishing as to defy human understanding. And this my friends is some very strange stuff. It’s also a potent recipe for implicit contentment-seeking in this life with instructions to cook in a pressure cooker that has a valve set for letting off steam: Godhood in the life to come.

This is how we Mormons are tricked into seeking contentment while thinking we’re in fact the most ambitious of all. And here I was thinking most of my life that I’m just a lousy Mormon for wanting to live more now than later. Conceit and delusion led me to it. Indeed, I was a lousy Mormon but it turns out I’m a marvelous human being. This realization is one of the most poignant of my life thus far.

2. Contentment is intellectually boring and creatively unchallenging.

Can you challenge this assertion with a straight face? The human mind is never contented. This fact drives us forward and has been the hallmark of our success as an evolved species. I ask myself, “when have I felt most alive?” The answer always comes, “when I’ve been most challenged, intellectually and creatively.” Conversely, we can easily look to boredom and rules-based living as the key indicators of a culture of contentment-seeking. Say what you will about the future, the Last Days, the life to come … if you’re bored now, if your first instinct is to defer to authority and to rules, then you’re trapped in a culture of contentment. And just what kind of god do you think you’ll make, my friend?

3. Uncertainty and disquietude make life worth living, but they don’t make contentment.

I was raised to think of uncertainty and disquietude as indicators of being in need of repentance; that these were clear signs that the Spirit of God is absent. The official Joseph Smith story says that he experienced these feelings, compounded by intense fear and the presence of a dark and malevolent being during the moment immediately preceding his vision of God and heaven; a vision that he says freed him from certain destruction. This story is a microcosm of the overall lesson of faith in God. Run from uncertainty, hate disquietude and confusion as signs of darkness, and be contented in the faith for only by doing so will God save you from certain death. To put it in more generically religious words, sacrifice this life for life with God because this life is worthless by contrast.

It is true that this life is swirling with uncertainty and disquietude. These are the side-effects of living in an incomprehensibly large and dangerous place. Why would we want to have it any other way? And if we could, what part of it would feel like living?

4. Intense solitude and internal voices are essential to life, albeit an unhappy one.

“He’s a thinker,” I hear them say. “Always asking questions and never submitting to doctrine. The devil is in that boy.” These are voices I’ve heard in my head. Not so much these days as in the past but still. The mind has many voices and they all compete for dominance. Those voices that align most closely with the external voices we’ve learned to respect will win and we’ll consequently experience an increased bond of brotherhood, trademark of many ancient faiths. If we respect few external voices then we live alone, a source of much unhappiness and the traditional place of heretics.

I regularly seek solitude and spend vast amounts of time in my own private world. This is where I go most naturally. People I love and care for are all around me and I’ve noticed that this introversion can cause them pain. It draws me out but not enough. Would I be more happy if I could somehow change? Yes. But I’d also no longer be myself.

An embrace of self is discouraged among faithful Mormons. Salvation, it is said, is found in serving others. I think what we’re actually saying is that salvation is the happiness found in serving others. I don’t want to leave you with the impression that service and happiness are bad and selfishness good. I’m not that fictitious Gordon Gekko. What I am saying is that each person has an innate requirement for happiness and mine is very low. This fact is reflected in the amount of service I’m willing to contribute and the amount of time I can bear to be social and walk outside of myself. I can and do enjoy these things but in small measure, never enough to make me a good fit among Mormons. And who’s to say that I have nothing greater to offer the world from this throne inside my head?

5. Intellectual angst and constant turmoil are so fun and interesting that you won’t miss being content.

“Eat, drink and be merry. For tomorrow we die.” The fear of living now like there’s no tomorrow was drilled into me as a kid. Living for the moment or for anything other than eternal life with God was avarice and the domain of the world … a decidedly unhappy lot. “Wickedness never was happiness,” and so many other trite sayings flooded my mind and condemned me to a life spent in personal anguish and fear of my natural inclinations toward life and living. My natural man was put at odds with a so-called spirit self that is not of this world. This has been a source of profound personal discontent and is now a surprising twist in my rant against God and Church thus far.

There’s something most brilliant that religion in general and Mormonism in particular have going for them — and really, they must have something fantastically appealing going for them else why would so many living beings cling so desperately to them? I’ve noticed that the internal turbulence and turmoil fostered under religion is a profound motivator and stimulant. Maybe you share the obsession with sex that held me as a young man? Some part of that obsession must have been fueled by the forbidden nature of sex which so many religious traditions drill into their youth. These religions set us at odds with our natures and in so doing provide us with a highly controlled form of discontent, one that’s more like a drug than the wilder and more vulgar varieties had among the heathen.

Increased religious control by means of dramatically enhanced sexual stimulation seems obvious to me. Profound dependence fostered by controlled doses of hyper-actualization … I mean, what else should we call the doctrine of Exaltation? … this was my life. So in this case I have to change Penelope’s list but just the last item. My item:

5a. Intellectual angst and constant turmoil are so fun and interesting that you won’t miss being free.

It’s possible that some of us don’t really want to be free or happy as much as we want to know that we’re alive, and isn’t this the one supreme universal of sentient life?

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NOTES:

• The Image – Pieter Bruegel the Elder: The Seven Deadly Sins or the Seven Vices – Avarice comes via Wikipedia Commons. Setting the mood for talking about things that have a heavy spell of taboo placed upon them.
• Resources – Special thanks to Bobby McFerrin whose Don’t Worry, Be Happy was a favorite of mine and may still be, though for different reasons. How much living has been forgiven by the reckless drive for happiness?
• About – Cipher on a Wall is a weekly column and forum here on Doves & Serpents which explores the realm of mind, memories, and dreams. You can find an introductory post for Cipher on a Wall here and a full archive of posts here. My name is Matt, and I’ll be your host for the duration.