When I was a young mother, a series of events occurred that changed my life.
In 1995, a woman the same age as me became a widow. She had three children, roughly the same ages as mine. One day, her husband took a nap and never woke up. She had been a bride at a young age and was well-supported as a stay-at-home mother by her husband, a contractor. They were in the middle of building a home and had tremendous debt. She was not left with any life insurance or savings. She was left with no way to provide for her children.
Months after she became a widow, she married a man old enough to be her grandfather. I commented (in my super awkward way), “Wow, you got married again so quickly!”
She replied, “I had to. I had no other way to take care of my kids.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I could be living her life.
Shortly after that, I went to a family reunion in Provo. As I reconnected with my female cousins, many younger than me, I listened to them talk about going to school and working on careers and travel plans. As much as I loved my children, I felt uneducated and naive. A seed was planted in my heart and head that I, too, could go to college and look forward to a career.
My husband graduated from college in 1996 and went to work as an administrator with a company that provides living opportunities for developmentally disabled adults. The hours were long and the pay wasn’t making us rich, but with three small children, it didn’t seem wise for me to go to school. However, as much as I tried to ignore it, the desire to go back to school persisted.
In September of 1997, I went back to school as a college sophomore. I loved being a student. I was writing, reading and learning new things every day. I felt tremendous growth intellectually and spiritually. I plugged along, excited for the path my life was taking. My husband made adjustments in his work schedule so I could go to school. He took on more responsibility around the house. We communicated and co-parented as best we could, barely seeing each other.
After studying art and graphic design, I was offered a good job with a local design agency designing for regional and national accounts. I dove into the work, learning and doing more and more every day. I solidified my place in the company with my determination and hard work.
Less than a year after starting this first job out of college, my husband had a severe health issue that required him to be hospitalized for several weeks. He was forced to leave his job. He was required to stay home and convalesce for several months. I was left to support the family and-due to my preparation and hard work-I could!
My husband went back to work on his own time and at his own pace. He took a less-stressful job that pays less, but is a better fit for him. I remain the main breadwinner of the family, and he doesn’t find that threatening. The stereotypical gender roles in our marriage are blurred. We co-parent, co-housework and co-get-it-done.
Leaving my children at home to go back to school and to go to work was a difficult decision. I’d always felt that nobody could care for my children better than me, but learning to become part of a co-parenting team has allowed us both to grow and reinforce one another’s strengths without being concerned with rigid gender roles, giving our children the best parts of ourselves.
I am grateful for the opportunities I’ve had for education, career and motherhood. At times, it is overwhelming and scary, but with children and an active partner, I am able to live a life that brings my family growth and happiness.
Submitted by Jerilyn
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Great Post
Thanks for sharing your story! I live in a very conservative LDS area where I frequently hear that mothers should stay at home. Its frustrating when this message is so dominant and often goes against personal inspiration to do otherwise.
I love this. My husband and I don’t have children yet, but we are aspiring toward a co-partnership marriage (especially after we have kids). We have discovered that as we let go of prescribed gender roles we allow each other to fulfill our potential and follow our dreams, whatever they may be. It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by Ursula K. LeGuin, “I could manage the double-tightrope trick…especially by the support of my partner. He is not my wife; but he brought to marriage an assumption of mutual aid as its daily basis, and on that basis you can get a lot of work done” (The Fisherwoman’s Daughter). It is good to know that others have been able to manage the co-partnership marriage, it gives me renewed hope that it is possible.
Good post! I’ve had the desire to go back to school ever since I applied to grad school and then got unexpectedly pregnant with our first son. We now have 3, and nearly a dozen years have gone by. I’ve been the SAHM while hubby trains in his career (medicine). His time in training is nearly done, and then it’ll be my turn! When I first decided to stay home rather than go to grad school, I spent a lot of time trying to pray away my desire for more schooling and a career. In that process, I eventually felt guided to understand that it’s OKAY for me to have these desires, and it’s OKAY for me to learn more and have a career too. So now I embrace it. The timing wasn’t right just then, but it will be in another year (finally! :), and I look forward to it! I’m nervous, however, about the added demands my schooling will place on our family’s lives. I’d love advice from working moms about how they balance all their demands and interests, how they co-parent, and how they stay spiritually centered so that they’re not grouch-monsters with their kids or stress-cases at work. :)