We hold these truths to be self-evident-that all good parents are involved in their children’s education. They bring food (homemade . . . that goes without saying) to teacher appreciation breakfasts and lunches. They chaperone field trips. They watch very long spelling bees. They sit through very long award ceremonies. They help their kids with elaborate projects that they are supposed to do alone. They help them study their spelling words and vocabulary words. They look over their homework every night to make sure it’s done correctly. They sign all the papers verifying that their children did indeed read for fifteen minutes that night. They always remember to pay their children’s cafeteria bill before their money runs out (if they’re lame enough to actually make their kids eat the cafeteria lunch, that is). They bring left-behind papers and projects and tennis shoes up to the school when their kids forget them.
Did I already mention that they sign all the necessary papers on time??
When did all this madness start? Who decided that “parental involvement” should refer to a very narrow list of things that only stay-at-home parents (usually moms) are willing and able to do? When I was a kid, my parents didn’t do any of this stuff. Neither my mom nor my dad EVER came on a field trip. I don’t remember anyone’s parents coming on field trips. (Did we even go on field trips?? I can’t recall a single one-not until middle school band trips.) The only thing I ever remember them signing were my report cards. They never had to sign stuff every night verifying that we had read the required number of minutes. My parents didn’t take us to Hobby Lobby to buy $10 tri-fold display boards. They never brought food to school for teacher-anything. And I don’t remember them ever bringing anything up to school that I had forgotten. (How would they even have known that I had forgotten anything? This was PCP (pre-cell phone).
But being an “involved parent”-especially during the month of May-has turned into a part-time job. In the next few weeks, if I were to go to all the things I should go to if I want to be considered an “involved parent,” I would be going to 1-3 events every day (can’t even begin to include the evening stuff). But I have a job, people . . .
I’m just gonna come right on out and say it:
- I hate going on the kids’ field trips. Brent voluntarily chaperoned a DAY-LONG field trip to NASA (3 hours away!) on Friday. Man, I loved that man on Friday more than I’ve loved him in a long time. And that’s saying something because he’s routinely great.
- I almost never help the kids with their homework. I pay a babysitter to pick them up from school and monitor their homework so that it’s done when I get home.
- I hate helping them with projects. There’s this little devil that sits on my shoulder and says, “Heather, weren’t you in sixth grade, like, a long time ago? Why are you doing this again?”
- I often forget to sign things. I sometimes sign them even when I know the kids didn’t actually read the requisite 15 minutes. AND I’ve even given Kennedy permission to forge my name if she gets stuck at school and I’ve forgotten to sign something (like a band practice chart). Yep. You read that correctly. I may live to regret that, but it’s served me well so far. (I actually don’t know if she’s ever done it before . . .)
- I’ve lost track of the number of times the kids have run out of lunch money. The routine: Kennedy calls me (verboten). I make a desperate call to the cafeteria lady and ask her to please steal money from one of the other kid’s accounts and promise to pay ASAP. All the kids have had to eat the dry PBJ sandwiches they give to the neglected kids whose parents forget to send lunch money.
- When the kids bring papers home, I spend about five seconds looking at them (if they’re watching me) and then I recycle them. If no one’s watching me, they go straight into the recycle box.
- I do try to bring food to teacher appreciation stuff. Teaching is such a thankless job. But I almost always volunteer to bring something I can buy-shredded cheese, paper goods, chips, etc.
You can see that according to conventional wisdom, I am not an involved parent. I don’t do any of the right stuff.
But no one could accuse me of not caring about my children’s education. I do. Of course I do. I’m a teacher education professor, for crying out loud. I hope I’m communicating that message loudly and clearly to anyone who knows me. But I’m not doing it with cupcakes in hand. And I try my darnedest not to do it on a school bus in 95 degree weather en route to a far-flung destination.
What do y’all think about parental involvement? Do you agree with me that the definition is too narrow, too reflective of middle-class, “mainstream” American values? Do you think these are the kinds of things parents should be doing? If you have school aged children, what kinds of activities or outings do you participate in? Do you feel like your participation in those activities enhances your children’s educational experience?
I haven’t been on a field trip for 9 years- when Maren was in kindergarten I went with a bus full of 5 and 6 year olds to do holiday crafts. I had a headache for days. I also DON’T eat lunch with my kids in the cafeteria. I will come get them and take them to Chik-Fil-A, but no way am I spending time in that hell hole. It makes me feel too guilty that they have to eat in those conditions. It feels way too institutional… like a prison or something.
I will join you in the forgetting to sign forms. I’m reading this post as I sit down after running around copying our insurance, etc. for Juliet’s school trip to Colonial Williamsburg. They leave at noon :-) I also made up a bag of paper plates and forks to send in for the orchestra reception tomorrow night and put the finishing touches on the class project for the preschool auction and that is about the smallest parent job there was to volunteer. It’s funny, I know the other preschool parents look at me like a TOTAL SLACKER – I know I would have when I had a toddler and a 5 year old. But they don’t / I didn’t know what it’s like to have three kids in three different schools and three different sets of activities.
Heather, I also think back to what my parents did when I was a kid. I remember my mom volunteering to read to kids in my 3rd grade class who were behind in reading. I think my dad was on a PTA committee of some kind when I was in high school and I think he and my stepmother chaperoned a homecoming dance once. Other than that, I have NO recollection of them going anywhere, checking my homework, quizzing me on state capitals or even helping me choose a college. I’m sure they did a lot- they did take us to the library almost weekly, and my dad drove me to early am seminary until I got my license. It makes me wonder what my kids will remember, as it seems like I spent hours every night with Maren on her homework for YEARS.
I also boycotted ‘reading per night’ forms whenever possible and would fill them out in an obviously fake way when pressured (exact same number of minutes per day for months). I’m not looking forward to that with the third kid and have hopes that elementary education has evolved since I last had a 6 year old in public school (5-6 years ago), but that might be wishful thinking.
I went on a field trip last year with Brennan’s class, but only because I had wanted to go see one of the children’s plays at the Rose Theater and this was a way to get to do it for free. :)
I only volunteered to bring a non-premade from store item for teacher appreciation day because I wanted free advertising to 50 adults by providing a cake with my business cards on the side.
My child ran out of lunch money Friday, and the envelope. pre-labeled with how much Bren owes for the rest of the year still sits on the microwave.
Oh, and I used to attend PTA (one of 5 at the meetings) but seriously, it’s boring and lame and they send the minutes out anyway…so why waste my time going?
So, SAHM or not, I think “involved parent” is a bit overrated, especially if you have more then one kid and even more so if you work…I think teaching Kennedy the correct way to loop her “B” when signing your name is a much more important activity :)
Yes–maybe the definitions are for 2 kid families?? I “only” have three and it’s crazy around here.
Great post. Being an involved parent has turned into a part time job. Maybe it’s time to let kids be kids–and let them suffer the consequences when they neglect their homework or forget their lunches or gym clothes.
As my oldest is only 4 and attends a pre-school only for 3 hours in the morning.. I really don’t know what it’s all about yet… but I was really excited to go see Cara in her Nativity at Christmas, and was sad that I missed out on a poem recital because of work (I kind of made Andrew go, I think.. because I wanted to go and couldn’t). I’m still at the stage where I really want to be involved.. not to help look after a tonne of kids, that’s not my style.. but I want to know what they are teaching in class so that we can do similar things at home, I want the teacher to let me know her concerns about Cara.. I want to know who Cara’s friends are at school and what they get up to. If I volunteered to go on a trip, it would be because I want to spy on my kids.
@Helen, getting to see my kids’ social groups would be the most valuable reason to go to stuff like this, in my opinion. While Brent was on the day-long trip to NASA last week, he said he was glad to get to see the kids “in their natural habitat.” And that is indeed valuable.
In my self-defense:
I am most definitely NOT being critical of public schools and/or public school teachers for wanting this kind of involvement. I just think the definition of “parental involvement” needs to be expanded.
By the most popular definitions, my parents and I would be considered uninvolved parents. But I would dispute that characterization.
Also, the definition of parental involvement is culturally dependent. For many parents, they TRUST the schools and the teachers to do their job. They’re less likely to get in teachers’ business because they feel that their job is to get the kids to school. I can respect this viewpoint.
I accidentally signed up to be the room mother for kindergarten. I thought I was signing up to be a room mother, ’cause back in the day there were a lot of room mothers and they would show up once a month and help. It turns out that there is only one room mother and she is in charge of all class parties, and teacher appreciation week. Our school district does not allow people to bring homemade treats anymore, so everything needs to be store bought.
So far i have done really good about letting/having my kid do her own homework, and i don’t fix her errors. And if she leaves something home, she can deal because I’m not going to take it to the school.
I do what I can and enjoy most of it. My favorite thing to do is to volunteer at the school to read with kids who need help learning to read. This feels like something really worthwhile. I like going along on field trips and eating in the cafeteria every month or two because I like to get to know the kids that my kids spend every day with.
But, I do not go to PTO meetings anymore (haven’t been for 6 or 7 years). No band booster meetings. Occasional soccer booster meeting because they are at a more convenient time. I don’t send stuff for teacher appreciation lunches, etc. because I have kids at 4 different schools and I can’t do them all and don’t want to pick. I do think the teachers deserve appreciation.
We are fortunate enough to have kids who can mostly do their own homework so we only have to help once in a while. And the projects around here are kid projects with only occasional parental help.
I recycle all the take-home papers as fast as I can get them off. I save only occasional writing samples when they are clever enough to make the cut.
Last year I did go with the band to Disneyworld. It was pretty fun. But every Friday night on the bus to the football games? Not me.
My mom (same as Heather’s) came to one class party that I remember while I was in school. She was pregnant. I was 9 years old and humiliated.
Every family is different.
For me the key is balance. I love being in the kids world and helping out at school, but not at the expense of my sanity. Sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes I wish I could live at the school. Lately, since I’ve been working more, I haven’t helped much at all. My kids are thrilled when I do.
Here in Danville, it’s insane. We have mothers who hire nannies for their little ones so they can volunteer at school.
And yea, homework isn’t my favorite but I do think it’s an unavoidable part of good parenting – making sure they have their work consistently done and that there is communication from student to parent about where they’re at. We’ve got to keep them up to standard. (sigh) Knowing where they are at in their work, and what’s going on at school (spying on them at lunch time) is a part of parenting I enjoy – I really like getting to know who the kids are and who they are becoming.
That said, I too am horrible at paperwork. I forget special events, spirit days (my kids are the only one with regular hair on crazy hair day – the horror!), and field trip forms. I’m not good at keeping them on schedule or helping them remember their book on library day. I’m secretly hoping that having a mom with ADD will be beneficial and help them grow up into self-sufficient kids.
Geez Louise is this right up my alley! From the time my first was born until the end of this school year I have worked part time, and my parents have had my girls on Tues/Thurs. Now, they are deserting me to go on a mission! Rude. So, that leaves me child care-less. I plan on working about 4-5 days a week but be home by the time they get home from school.
Historically, I have been a parent who is in the classroom every week to every other week, depending on teacher need. I have always told teachers I will help with literacy issues, rather than bulletin boards :). This past school year, I have been involved in starting a new psychotherapy clinic, and it has required more of my time, and I have missed band concerts, plays, etc. It’s been horrible!!! Thankfully, my husband can arrange his schedule to be there.
But, I keep reminding myself I can’t recall my parents coming to the classroom–maybe people didn’t do that in the 70s/80s–and I survived with my self-esteem intact. (Both my parents are in education–Dad in higher ed; Mom in elementary when we were young, and just yesterday retired from teaching Adult Basic Ed. so I am very sympathetic to teacher needs/issues/concerns.)
I think the thing my kids notice is who has parents who are “involved” and don’t want to have “not involved” parents, more than the fact their education has been enhanced by my being there. My primary reason for going, other than to help with big classrooms, is to just simply know who my kids are talking about. I figure I only have a couple more years of spying.
So, next year, I am going to try to only work every other Friday, so I still can be in classrooms a bit.
My older child is self-directed on homework and I rarely, if ever, check her stuff. My younger one struggles in school and so we work on homework each night–if I didn’t do it, I think she would realllllly flounder, and possibly be held back. It makes me sad for the parents who have to work way more hours to make ends meet because their kids probably do suffer an academic loss.
I abhor projects that require parental involvement. I loathe them; I despise them. Give me a stronger word.
My mom was great about signing papers…I was just rubbish at remembering to give them to her, even though she would ask every day at dinner. She worked full-time, so she never chaperoned (except a weekend choir trip to Hershey Park, because I was her only charge) or checked my homework or brought food to school. She didn’t even make my lunches after second grade; her words: “If you’re old enough to be accountable for your sins, you’re certainly old enough to be accountable for your lunch”. My sister and I turned out fine, so she must have been doing something right. I hope that when I have kids, I can master that kind of hands-off awesomeness.
Victoria–“hands-off awesomeness”: love it!
I suppose I’m with your mom–I sign the papers, but they don’t give them to me . . .
My kids make their own lunches as well or they eat in the cafeteria, but it still requires me going to the store to make sure they have stuff they can put IN their lunches. And I often forget that part.
Up until recently we’ve been pretty laissez-faire about homework, but my oldest is struggling — not so much because of ability, but mostly because he doesn’t feel like doing work and does anything to get out of it — and so we have instituted a new policy to get him in the habit of knowing we expect him to do his work. It has been painful, but we’re hanging in there. I’m really involved in the kids’ school right now because I have this little window of time to do it. I lead a reading group in one class, read in the other and I’m the secretary of the PTA (some weeks that feels like a substantial part-time job). I bring in food, go on trips — the whole thing. I like knowing their friends, the teachers and support staff. It is a small primary school and quite intimate. However, when I start working again or go back to school, I won’t feel guilty for missing things. There is only so much of me to go around and a time and a season.
I only have one kid, so I don’t have to divide my time between more than one kid/classroom. But my SIL sends her kids to a charter school that requires 2 hours of parental involvement a week. She has two kids in the school, so that’s four hours a week. So I’m often watching her toddler so she can help at school. I would much rather help with a school where you can volunteer and work around your own schedule/skills than to be forced to attend.
I don’t really like children that much, so the main reason I am involved with the school is to make sure my kid has the best possible education she can get at a public school.
I also sign and mark H’s reading charts the day they are due. I know that over the course of the month she read her required time, plus bonus time that we just do because I love books. But as I am fairly scatterbrained, I am pretty certain if I had more than one kid a lot of things would get missed.
I agree that reading charts, etc. are silly. My sons current teacher just said to sign every day as long as the total time for the week adds up. My youngest told me last week that she writes my initials just fine on her reading chart. when I forget. : )
I think a better definition of involved parents is that they make education a priority and have high expectations for their kids. I know this is true in the Beal household and is true for most (if not all) successful students.
My son’s first grade teacher told me that about half the kids had parents who were involved and the other half had parents who were just trying to stay afloat (single parents, working two jobs, going to school, health problems, etc.) for whom school was more like free day care. The second half are the kids who need the most help in our schools, and I don’t think making them feel bad when their stuff isn’t signed fixes anything.
You guys are all doing better than I am – RECYCLING? Everything goes in the trash can when she’s not looking…
Hilarious, Jessica!!
Interesting. I agree that the definition for “involved parents” is a bit narrow…And, it’s probably not just narrow, but this kind of parental behavior also seems overdone. A little bit of independence hasn’t hurt anyone yet (for the most part).
On the other hand, I do think parents ought to be involved (read: responsible) for their children’s successful education. However, I don’t see how muffins or cupcakes etc. reflect that, or signing papers about unimportant issues. I’d think that it probably doesn’t matter so much who signs, or helps with homework, or stuff like that, as long as someone cares about the children, and helps them learn to do what needs to be done to succeed. All I know is that I wish my (SAH)-mom would have been more involved. My report cards always mention, from 1st grade on, that I basically never did my homework. And as it goes, I can’t recall my parents ever checking whether I did my homework, or doing it with me. I made it through school ok, but I feel pretty sure that I could have done better and spared myself some educational detours if I would have learned to do my homework. Of course, I wouldn’t expect my parents to check that stuff as a teenager, but I think it would have been appropriate at least during elementary school.
So, who knows. I don’t think a parent’s involvement can simply be measured by the points mentioned in the post. But, I do like the idea of parental involvement – mainly because I just don’t like the idea of everything always being everyone’s else’s responsibility, just not the parent’s. With teachers in particular I feel that people expect them to work near miracles in the class rooms, but no one is willing to pay more in taxes or to get personally involved as much as possible to lend them a hand and make things happen. Instead, let’s keep our money, and our time, and give them cup cakes once a year on a special day designed to show how much we appreciate them (as long as we don’t have to fork out more cash to pay them a decent salary…).
I totally agree that we have managed to hold teachers responsible for just about everything. And it’s really not fair to them. Obviously, it takes LOTS of concerned adults to raise a child–teachers, neighbors, church friends, extended family, parents, peers, etc. I’m so grateful for all the caring adults in my children’s lives who are helping them grow and develop.
Are you suggesting that it “takes a village to raise a child”? G.A.S.P!
Just in case it’s not clear, I was being sarcastic. It’s truly a blessing when there are caring people involved in the lives of our children.
End-of-the-year Parental Involvement Update (as if anyone’s still reading this!!):
I have already missed the following:
1. the day-long NASA field trip mentioned in this post
2. two different days of school Olympics (think “field day”) – I have always gone to this in the past, so the kids expected me to at least make an appearance this year. I just matter-of-factly said, “Okay. You’re all set. I can’t come today because I have to work, but have a great time!” And they took it.
3. Today I am missing two shots (one morning session with my 2nd grader and one afternoon session with my 5th grader) of the end-of-the-year school carnival AND one 8th grade lake field trip.
And my kids are still happy and healthy! No one has been traumatized by my absence. (Of course, I will spend tomorrow and Thurs. mornings shuttling between schools for various award ceremonies AND I did delay my class on Thursday to attend 1/2 of the 5th grade talent show . . .)