Ed: Um, hi! Welcome to the . . . um . . . “Our Favorite Mormons Show.” I’m Ed . . . and, my guest today is . . . one of the . . . greatest musicians, I mean .. prog-rockers, ambassadors, I mean, politicians . . . ever. [Smacks himself] Flip! That sounds stoopid! I’m an idiot! I never know how to start these things!
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: You’re doing great, Ed.
Ed: [Hopeful] Really? No, I’m not. [Hyperventilating] Anyway.. I guess.. I didn’t have, have to say, who you were, because.. man, I mean.. everyone knows who you are. Mmmm … you’re Jon Huntsman!
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Well, it’s great to be here.
Ed: [Uncomfortable] You.. you.. you remember when you were with the progressive rock band “Wizard”? And, you dropped out of high school to play in it? And, your dad was mad at you?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Yeah, sure.
Ed: That was awesome!
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Yeah, it was. But I eventually went back to school and got a degree at the University of Pennsylvania in international politics.
Ed: Remember when you joined REO Speed Wagon on the piano for two songs during their concert at the Utah State Fair on September 16, 2005?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Yes, that was fun.
Ed: Dude, that wasn’t so awesome. That REO lead singer diphthongizes out the wazoo. You should stick to playing with David Letterman’s band. Um, remember when you were born on March 26, 1960, four days before me?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Not really. I was very young at the time.
Ed: [Smacks himself harder] IDIOT!! That’s so stoopid! What a dumb question!! Um, remember when you were ambassador to, like, four presidents?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Certainly. I was proud to serve my country, regardless of the party in office.
Ed: That was really cool! Remember when you worked at your daddy’s business, Huntsman Corporation? How cool is that to see your name everyday on the sign when you go to work! Hey, did you guys ever make any, like, cyborgs, like in the move “Terminator”? Did you see that movie? It’s awesome.
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: It’s a chemical company, Ed. I enjoyed working there. I confess I missed the “Terminator” movies.
Ed: That was a pretty awesome flick. [Pause] O-kay . . . remember . . . you remember when you were the governor of Utah . . . TWICE, I mean, that’s like a record or something. And you scored like a 90% approval rating?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Yes. Good years. Good skiing. Good motorcycling.
Ed: Remember when you were running for president, and you were supposed to be dead, and, uh, there was all these clues, that, like, uh, if you played a Wizard song backwards, and it’d say, like, “Jon’s Political Career Is Dead”, and, uh, everyone thought that you were dead? That was, um, a hoax, right?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Yeah. I wasn’t really dead. I’ll be back. I’m more afraid the Republican Party is dead, but we’ll see today if that’s true.
Ed: Remember when you were debating Rick Perry, the lead singer for Journey who got beat out by that young kid from Korea?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: You’re thinking about Steve Perry, Ed. I remember saying this at the debate, followed by the sound of crickets: “To be clear. I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy. The minute that the Republican Party becomes the party — the anti-science party, we have a huge problem. We lose a whole lot of people who would otherwise allow us to win the election.”
Ed: Oh [Slams himself in the head with a clipboard] stoopid! Yeah, Joe Perry. And, remember when Joe Perry was asked about whether he felt guilty about executing an innocent dude in Texas, and said he said he never lost a minute of sleepin,’ worryin’ about the way things might have been?
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Joe Perry is a guitar player for Aerosmith, Ed. And, I think that’s a quote from “Proud Mary,” but that’s pretty much what Rick Perry said. And the Tea Party cheered when they heard that.
Ed: Right. I think we . . . I think we got time for one more question. Uh … remember when my wife’s friend said I look like you, and my wife said she didn’t think so, and her friend said, “Um yeah,” and her friend went to my Facebook page and pointed to a picture of you and she said, “See, Ed looks just like Jon Huntsman!” and my wife said, like, “Um, that IS Jon Huntsman!”
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman: Ed, I wasn’t there. But I can see where people might think I look like you. Perhaps in a dim room, in disguise, if the people are kind of drunk, and they’ve never seen me before.
Ed: [Ecstatic, starts to point at Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman and mouths “AWESOME!” ] Well, that’s it for this week’s show. Thank you, Jon Huntsman, thank you, for being one of the greatest … of rock … I mean, a living legend, with really hot daughters! And uh, a legend of progressive rock and roll … and ambadassador … just thanks for being on the show, and … [Picks up a chair and smashes it over his own head] GOLDANGIT! That sounded stoopid! I knew I’d screw up!
Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman; You did fine, you did fine, Ed.
Ed: Really? Thanks, man. Thanks. Thank you. [Outro music comes on, Ed continues to talk to Empty Chair Without Jon Huntsman] Remember … remember when I was talking to you about “The Terminator”? You … you should see that movie, it’s pretty cool. I’m voting for you next time, man.
Hilarious, Ed! Thanks for posting this. I hope your head heals soon.
Thanks Ziff! On paper/screen I’m as tough as Chris Farely ever was, so I should be fine. The Republican Party without a genuine candidate that can appeal to women and stick to a single position on issues? Not so much.