I watched the Twin Towers fall on TV, my oldest child safely ensconced in her kindergarten class. My toddler was playing with blocks nearby…. building towers and knocking them down. “Mommy, why does your face look like this?” she asked, mimicking my shocked gape and putting her hands over her mouth. Later that year, one of my daughter’s classmates learned how to spell “Afghanistan” because she was so concerned about the children there suffering in the war.
When Katrina made a ruin of New Orleans and other communities in Mississippi and Louisiana, my children were old enough to warmly embrace new classmates who had been made refugees by the storm and it’s destruction. They donated clothes and toys. They sold lemonade and cookies with their classmates to raise money for the Red Cross. And again when the tsunami came to Indonesia. They were very interested to know that their cousin was serving locally as a missionary and spent days cooking rice to serve to displaced people.
I’ve noticed in the news several reports of children who are touched by these epic tragedies and take action. Now that my daughters are older and perhaps more jaded, there seems to be less urgency. It saddens me that I see it in myself as well. I feel less motivated to make these experiences into teaching moments for my kids and more motivated just to make it though the carpool rounds and homework supervision and piano practice to get to that moment when I can sit on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and skim through American Idol on my TiVo.
Is there a window of opportunity in a child’s (or parent’s) development that makes these experiences more meaningful? The development of empathy, the feeling of being a participant in a collective experience of shock or horror? If it it isn’t nurtured, will it dwindle? If our kids are made to tithe or contribute to charity, do they learn anything, or do they need to choose it on their own freely? Is it an American thing, or a Mormon thing, to feel like it’s my parental responsibility to teach it to my kids? Is empathy or charity even something that CAN be taught, or must it develop naturally?
Oh, man, Claire. When I read this line “I feel . . .more motivated just to make it though the carpool rounds and homework supervision and piano practice to get to that moment when I can sit on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and skim through American Idol on my TiVo,” I felt like you had been peering into my house (except that I don’t watch American Idol).
We’ve been talking about this lately. How can we help our kids get involved in serving others–whether locally, nationally, or internationally? We’ve talked about doing something with Kiva. The kids might like that, but it wouldn’t really involve them beyond the computer screen. But what can kids honestly DO? It’s not like they can help pound nails for Habitat for Humanity.
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It’s a good question. Most things I can think of involve making stuff to sell, which removes them from the actual service and also introduces the something for nothing factor… in the video I link to, little kids are having a painting party to make artwork that they “sell’ but are really giving away in exchange for a donation. Kids aren’t dumb… they know no one wants to pay $1000 for a water color they whipped out. (ok, yes I know, some art collectors DO pay big bucks for children’s art work… different story). A teenager I know knits scarves and sells them for $10 to raise money for brain cancer research. It’s a real effort and a legitimate project… but still puts the kid in the role of making the money rather than doing the actual service.
A step closer is making or collecting actual useful items. My friend’s girl scout troop is making fleece blankets for homeless men and women. My kids have made school kits for the church humanitarian aid program. Toy drives at the holidays. They have regular opportunities to bring in canned food at school and community events. More direct service, but still related to STUFF. Desperately needed stuff, to be sure, in some cases. But still not direct service. I suppose making friends with the refugee children was a direct service. Participating in the ‘plant a row for the hungry’ type vegetable gardening programs would be worthwhile if your family or your child enjoys gardening. I’ve taken my girls to donate girl scout cookies to the food bank rather than drop them off myself, because I wanted to them to see the food bank and how it worked.
I like your ideas Claire! I’ve struggled with the balance between the need for monetary donations and real physical service that gets you out of your comfort zone – and I’ve actually been wondering lately what forms this will take while maintaining relative safety for my children emotionally and physically. When the tsunami hit, we included our two oldest in our increasing awareness and they became a bit obsessed with watching youtube videos of the destruction. When my MIL was visiting and mentioned that she didn’t want to see “stuff like that” and expressed concern that we were letting our children watch it, I started questioning our motivation and what should come from it. I don’t think it was wrong to give them access to understanding and seeing what others are going through, but I’ve been wondering what to do with the sense of helplessness in those types of cases. Is focusing on the relatively lesser local needs really the answer? I’m still not sure.
Claire, this post raises such a vital point. I feel more and more that as time goes by, many human beings systematically seal themselves off from the vast majority of ‘feeling’ in the world, as a kind of self-protection. “We” just can’t take the emotional drain of having to deal with these tragedies, that are happening constantly, around the world. Where I live, the solution is offered by the state – through taxes, and direct debits to charities, a lot of goodness is extended to those in need. But it’s not active, which I think is a shame.
Kids are fresh to the world, and haven’t sealed themselves off from these pressures. They want to respond to need, and I think it matters much less what kind of help we offer, and much more that we encourage our kids to do something. If more of us could manage to be actively engaged with the needs and suffering of others through our lifetimes, we’d be better people. I really need to focus on doing so myself: thanks for this prompt!
It is hard, though, to find things that kids can do. My daughter is involved in a “service” organization at school that does practically no service. They require the kids to bring money that they donate to things. So we end up throwing cash here and there, but the KIDS themselves aren’t serving anyone. It’s a bummer. Surely middle schoolers can do something active–work at a food bank, weed gardens, play Scrabble/Bingo at a nursing/retirement home, something, right?
Oh, sure, I could make my daughter earn the $20 before I give it to her to give to whatever “cause” they are currently donating to. But it always comes too soon and then I can’t think of things for her to do. :(
Even when they have canned food drives, it seems similar. It doesn’t exactly set my kids back to go into our pantry, fill a big bag up with cans, and haul it to school. And then they feel like they have done some service. But they haven’t really done anything . . .
It’s hard. Sometimes it feels that in order to keep up with “normal” life here in our cocooned environment, it means shutting off a part of ourselves that is so shocked by inequality, poverty and suffering – a part of ourselves that children are innately in contact with. Part of it is learning wisdom for sure (we can’t let everyone holding a sign into our home to work, ala Elizabeth Smart’s family), part of it is the time factor (let’s get to soccer practice on time), and part of it is that we as adults are usually less sensitive. When tragedy strikes, human suffering is put right in front of our faces and we don’t have the luxury of looking away from it.
It’s hard to figure out how to pitch in and help. My kids have all been really grateful for the addition of our new dog – we love her! Animals have made a big impact in our lives. I’m just in the process of getting my older two boys involved in the teen/family program at the local animal shelter. They’ll get to volunteer over the summer, socializing animals and preparing them for new homes. It’s something we can do weekly, and something I think they’ll be able to feel like they’re making a difference with. Small steps….
You are right about shutting ourselves off as a defense mechanism. My little Stuart is very sensitive about tragedies around the world. He has expended some genuine energy and probably sleep worrying about Haiti for more than a year now. He asks me about Haiti fairly frequently–what’s going on there, are they getting it cleaned up, what about the cholera outbreak, etc.
He worries about the oil spill in the Gulf.
And now he can add Japan to the list.
Seriously, the boy (and he just turned 8) pores over National Geographic magazines. I would say that he doesn’t really read them because he’s still quite little, but then he says things that indicate that he does indeed read them.
Every time it’s his turn to say a prayer, he asks God to help the people in Haiti and Japan. I love that he is mindful, but wish he/we could do something else besides just that.
Oops–he just turned 8.
A very good post Claire–thank you.
Wanting our kids to develop empathy is not American or Mormon—it’s Human. And I do think empathy can be taught. There is some amount of evolutionary foundation—it is something that distinguishes many primates—but we learn it.
There is something to say for being able to choose causes and projects. That is one of the limitations of a hard tithe and corelated service–the humanitarian and service aspect is removed and unseen. It’s done for you (you hope). And it so often is about administration rather than ministry. You don’t get to help people enough, and when you do its limited to Mormon people.
It also occurs to me that travel is an opportunity to for our kids to develop empathy.
I love the questions you pose as well. Am I being a helicopter parent if a require my children to do something for others in this way or am I modeling a kind of concern for others that doesn’t always develop at their ages/on its own? I feel a real push to have my children help at a local nursing home, probably because it was something my mom made me do when I was a kid. And I’m glad she insisted. But beyond singing at Christmas, I haven’t gotten that service project off the ground. Thanks for the reminder. :)
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