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“At fifty, every man has the face he deserves. To erase the lines and change the contours of one’s face is a way of obliterating one’s history.” –George Orwell
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When Kennedy was about 9, I started a mother/daughter book club. At the first meeting, each mom introduced her daughter to the group and then each daughter introduced her mom. When it got to be Kennedy’s turn, she said, “My mom’s name is Heather and she’s working on her Ph.D., so she’s always reading or doing stuff on the computer. That’s about it. She’s not fancy.” All the moms laughed out loud-including me-and Kennedy thought she had said something bad. I assured her that not only was her comment not bad; it was spot-on.
That’s me. I’m not fancy. What you see is pretty much what you get with me. I wear very minimal make-up. I make some effort to cover up zits (why do I have them when I’m nearly 40??), wear some blush, and a bit of brown eyeliner under my eyes. I do wash my hair every day and spend about 5 minutes blowing it dry. I seriously didn’t know that grown women still used hairspray until Kennedy told me otherwise (about two weeks ago). I haven’t used hairspray in about 15 years. I don’t wear jewelry and don’t paint my fingernails or toenails. I had my first mani-pedi last year because Kennedy begged me to do it with her for her 13th birthday. I didn’t enjoy it and resented the $60 I blew on them. Perfume? Forget about it. I don’t use any kind of cream or cleaning products besides shampoo, conditioner, and soap. I’m pretty Plain Jane, but I like myself just the way I am . . .
. . . which is why I was completely flummoxed while reading the book Beauty Junkies: Inside our $15 Billion Obsession with Cosmetic Surgery by Alex Kuczynski. Let me treat you to some of the more outrageous things I learned in this book:
- Women are having their toes shortened and collagen injected into the soles of their feet so that they can withstand the daily grind of walking in high heels. (Hello, sounds an awful lot like foot bindings to me . . .)
- One of the fastest growing areas in the field is called “labial rejuvenation” or “labiaplasty” which supposedly gives the patient the feeling of “revirginization.”
- “Umbilicoplasty” is for people who want their belly button to look different.
- Some women now are having surgery to have their nipples enlarged.
- I have been to a few Pampered Chef and Creative Memories parties, but apparently I am not cool enough to be invited to a “pumping party,” where a doctor shows up with a bag of Botox and injects guests with Botox while they drink wine and exchange pleasantries.
- You can go on a “surgery safari” to Africa for the modest sum of $12,000, which includes roundtrip airfare to South Africa, various plastic surgery procedures, meals, and painkillers.
- A highly successful businessman (also in Manhattan) actually had Botox inserted into the palms of his hands and into the soles of his feet. His goal? Living a wrinkle-less existence.
- You can have your calves surgically augmented.
- Males can have testicle implants and scrotum reductions. Who knew?
- If you think your eyebrows are too thin, you can have eyebrow hair transplants.
- You can have your gum line raised so that your teeth look bigger.
- A former NAVY Seal actually had a surgeon create a bullet wound scar so that he wouldn’t feel left out in the locker room with his buddies who had legitimate visible battle wounds.
- More and more girls under age 18 are having breast implants. Turns out their parents are giving them this as a gift for high school or college graduation. Ew.
To a not-fancy person like me, all of this seems like total insanity. It seems like narcissism and pure vanity. I am completely incapable of understanding why anyone would undergo something like this to have shorter toes, a bigger scrotum, bigger breasts, bigger-looking teeth, what have you. I know it’s bad to be judgmental . . . but I totally judge people who have elective plastic surgery. I’m not talking about people who have cosmetic surgery after terrible injuries or accidents or women who have reconstructive surgery after mastectomies. I’m talking about elective cosmetic surgery.
Just accept yourself the way you are-flaws and all. I know that sounds cavalier. Accept that you have thin eyebrows. Accept that you have small(er) boobs. Accept that you are aging. Aging is part of the human condition. Accept your gray(ing) hair. I am getting some gray hairs. I don’t mind the look of them, but they are a different texture and so sometimes they stand straight up (which I don’t love). But I’m 37. I expect them. I have no desire to try to return my body to its teenage or young adult form. I have stretch marks on my belly from three pregnancies. I do not wish to get rid of them and never tried to use any kind of cream to prevent them. They’re part of me. They tell the story of my life.
So what do you think? Are you “pro-plastic surgery” like Scarlett Johanson has claimed to be? Does it seem like a necessary part of getting older? Or are you pious and self-righteous like me (cringe)?
About 10 months ago I had a tummy tuck because I’d lost 165 pounds and had abdomen skin hanging past my thighs. For ME, it was necessary to my happiness. Perhaps, I’m shallow, but I was depressed by the excess skin even though no one ever saw it but myself and my husband (and he was OK with it, had I chosen to not have surgery). And had I been able to afford it, I would have also gotten a boob job. Since the weight loss, I can literally roll them up.
Should we all love our bodies regardless of the flaws? Of course. However, I don’t think we should sit in judgment of others’ choices to have plastic surgery, even if we think it was frivolous, vain or unnecessary. None of us know what’s going on in their heads. Perhaps someone has spent their life being made fun of for a certain physical feature. To you or me, they may look just fine, but to themselves it’s a reminder of years of torment. If they can change it, then why shouldn’t they if they choose?
I have a dear friend who had labiaplasty. She was raped repeatedly by a family growing up. It was her way of taking her body back for herself. These are things we simply don’t know when we write a blog post about the “ridiculousness” of certain surgeries.
Also, are you sure the man had botox injected into his palms and soles for wrinkle prevention? Because botox was actually invented to help people with profuse sweating. The wrinkle diminishing effect was just a bonus they figured out later. It sounds to me like he didn’t want to live with excessively sweaty palms and feet.
First of all, Brandi, thanks for reading and starting off the conversation. I admitted openly that I judge people and that I shouldn’t. Of course you are right that I can’t know what is going on in people’s heads.
The book actually discusses the kind of surgery you had. I have enormous sympathy for the people she described in her book. And having labiaplasty because of a rape or having cosmetic surgery because of severe burns, etc.–those are completely different in my book than some of the procedures I outlined.
Re: the man who had botox injected into his palms. According to the author, yes, he wanted to rid his body of wrinkles. There was no mention of sweaty palms or feet. Another patient asked her/his (can’t remember) plastic surgeon to do liposuction on his/her toe. The surgeon refused and recommended that the patient see a therapist.
I’ll be saying more on this topic in my post tomorrow, but I think there are two separate, but interrelated issues here. One, as Brandi points out, is the absolute right of individuals to make decisions about their own bodies. I have no judgment on that — people have a right to do what they want with their bodies, including surgery, and they have their reasons.
However, the other issue is the ever-moving mark of beauty and how we respond to that as a society. There is a lot of cultural pressure to be sexy, beautiful and perfect. This idea is sold in a million different packages and in a million different ways. I think Heather is asking a legitimate question when she asks how far is too far and whether our expectations for beauty are out of whack.
Yes. The author talks about what she calls the “culture of better.” We can always have better skin, better hair, better boobs, better thighs, etc. You see that everywhere. But is there ever a point where we say “enough”?
Take the surgery to have your toes shortened so that they can fit into very pointy high-heeled shoes. I just can’t make an argument in my head for why that would be necessary for someone’s self-esteem and/or life satisfaction. That seems like a case of a woman going to VERY extreme ends to make herself more sexy/desirable to a man. We sure as heck don’t see men wearing extremely uncomfortable shoes so that they are more attractive to women . . . do we? So there are some deeply embedded gender issues at play here.
I am most interested in the idea of youth-beauty in American culture…. perhaps because I, too, am nearing 40. I have two friends that are ‘prematurely’ gray. They each have young children. One colors her hair to avoid being mistaken for the kids’ grandmother. The other doesn’t, and her children often hear, “Isn’t it fun to be at the park with Grandma today?” from strangers, even though she otherwise looks her age (or younger) and her hair is GORGEOUS.
I don’t want to be mistaken for my kids’ grandma, but I also don’t want to be mistaken for their sister. As a short person, I was treated like a child for years and am starting to enjoy being taken for a strong, wise woman rather than a teenager now that I can no longer pass for one. However, when I see my wrinkles and my stretch marks and my gray hairs, I do sometimes get a nagging feeling that they are ‘bad’ or are putting me out there for judgement by other people.
(Oh, and I love cute shoes, but more often than not am just too interested in comfort to wear them for long and quickly revert to my orthopedic-looking mom shoes. I can’t imagine foot surgery.)
Yes–the foot surgery! That was the craziest thing.
I can’t imagine undergoing a surgery that could be fatal so that I could have fewer wrinkles in my face or have thinner thighs or what have you. The industry itself is totally unregulated. DENTISTS can perform plastic surgery. They can go to a weekend seminar for $2500 and learn how to do liposuction or Botox and then they can make up their $2500 in one quick procedure.
The stories of people who died or had terrible health complications were just heartbreaking. A woman in Ireland told her husband she was going on a girls’ getaway for a week. She planned a plastic surgery procedure and wanted to surprise him when she came home. He got a call a day or so later from the hospital in the US saying she had died. Oh, so sad. So so sad.
It’s easy for me to look at that equation and say it’s just not worth the risk. But clearly, the numbers on both sides of other people’s equations are very different from mine.
The Navy SEAL who had the fake bullet wound, holy lulz that is funny. It is interesting that body insecurity is becoming less gender specific than it used to be. I am a dude in my mid 30s (ok 32, that’s mid-ish right?) but I for one can’t wait to have a power mane of grey hair and crow’s feet like Clint Eastwood. My wife hates it when I say this in public, but I feel like I am kind of cursed with a baby face. No one takes a man seriously until he has some salt and pepper in his hair and a wrinkly thousand-yard stare, like he has been searching the horizon for signs of outlaw depredations.
Maybe I should get a fake bullet wound, too?
@Colin, yes–isn’t that wild? He felt less manly because he didn’t have battle scars . . . so he had one created. That is just mind-boggling to me.
I was also very interested to see that plastic surgery is on the rise with men, so it’s not just women. (Well, it’s still primarily women, but not as much as it used to be.)
There are still double standards, though. Your wish for some gray hair is a great example, Colin. When men have gray hair (think George Clooney), it’s considered sexy and distinguished. But no one thinks a woman with gray hair is sexy.
Helen Mirren?
I actually thought of her as I was typing that, Andy. Way to ruin my argument. ;)
lol, I think your point generally stands, tho. Helen Mirren has a campaign to change that.
There is a great moment in a 30 Rock episode when Liz Lemon marvels at a picture of Helen Mirren in a bikini, shakes her head and says, “I don’t understand! Is she a wizard?”
Dame Mirren is, indeed, a model of aging elegantly.
Colin- see? I just keep hearing this line (from an otherwise mindless movie)in my head– “he gets older and keeps getting better looking!” from a middle-aged mom who feels like she is loosing her youth and beauty. It’s true that men are more respected as they show signs of aging while women are less respected. I’ve heard it argued that it somehow goes back to biological urges where men who are older and established are considered better providers and women who are younger and curvier are considered better baby makers. Ugh.
I agree with you that it is totally unfair and a double standard. It’s weird that medical technology makes it possible for people to realize their fantasies this way.
I wonder, with more women than men entering college and gender disparity narrowing in the workplace, is the “Hotness Gap” the new pay gap? It is perfectly legitimate, I believe encouraged, for American women to have the career, plus the children, plus look totally hot. Does anyone do this without large cracks forming in their sanity?
My wife thinks, no. I think she sees women who appear to have all this stuff together, and she is jealous. Is being “not fancy” way to avoid the competition?
PS. I think my wife is totally hot and I dig her style. She’s just fancy enough.
Ouch–the hotness gap. I think you’re right.
And now I’m thinking about my motivations for being “not fancy.” Is it a way to avoid competition? Just check out of the game entirely? Interesting question . . . I think on some level, sure, I guess it is. I’m pretty average. I don’t think I’m unsightly, but there is nothing about me that would make me stand out in the crowd. So maybe it’s part of my schtick (sp.?) to ignore that whole rat race. And not only ignore it–but to belittle people who are trying to stay in it.
And again–I’m not congratulating myself on my attitude. I’m just trying to own up to it and wonder what my motivations are.
Colin–I’m glad you think your wife is “just fancy enough.” Occasionally my husband will point out someone to me who he thinks is really attractive. I usually think: “Hmm. She looks kinda like me.” He says he likes mousy/librarian looking types.
I’m not fancy, and although it would be nice to wake up looking slimmer and prettier, I just don’t want it enough to do anything about it.. even if that only means wearing a little make-up or wearing some more fancy clothes.. I’ve been reading a book about gender steroetypes, and think that for me my non-fanciness stems from being interested in ‘male’ subjects/interests. In youth I always wanted to do what the boys were doing. I’d go paintballing and brag about my bruises, go on overnight hikes with no food/shelter for fun, I was the girl who would join in properly in games where you had bring your opponent down to the floor, and do a pretty good job for a little one.. I went to university and studied Computer Science in the Engineering department.. being a fancy girl I would have stood out too much, the boys would have seen me differently. I took pride in being one of the boys.. I wish we could all just be who we want to be.. but no-one really can, we are all influenced by the people and culture around us, and the places we want to fit in to. Some don’t understand why I don’t just take 5 minutes to straighten my hair and put on some make-up, to them that’s important – I remember hearing some quote from a mission president’s wife about how Sister missionaries should always wear makeup, so they don’t look like old sheds (or something like that) – I couldn’t believe it!
You’re beautiful Helen: I could list so many things…. it comes from your smile and your energy that shines from you, saying who you are. No one should feel pressure to conform to a certain type that they don’t want to be. I think it’s good in these comments that we look at our reasons for self-presenting, either through use of plastic surgery, etc, or the rejection of those techniques and practises.
I defend the right of anyone who sees their body and appearance as a way of being creative, and of presenting the self… I compare it to other kinds of visual artists, and I admire that, if it’s done with that level of self-awareness. Of course, in the spectrum of visual ‘art’, there’s a lot of kitsch too… it’s probably done badly as often as it’s done well. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the practise, per se.
Our reasons for presenting ourselves in a certain way–either via altering our bodies or rejecting the notion outright . . . I guess I’m in the latter camp, but am intrigued by the realization that I am also presenting myself by that rejection.
Mousy Librarian is next year’s fashion theme, I think. Everything old becomes new again, so hold on to your tweed.
I discovered my first gray hairs just a couple weeks ago. I was shocked! Wait, my husband is the one who’s hair is thinning and receding and he’s getting a pooch — I wasn’t supposed to be the one aging! :) But, I had already decided to just accept gray hairs and not dye them away, so I’m recovering. I really like that George Orwell quote and agree with it. Embrace the changes!
But, even with that said, it is hard to be happy with our bodies when we obsess over what we wish we could change, and I’m included as guilty. There’s always something I wish I could change. Some things I could by just exercising (I lack motivation), but others would require surgery and it’s just not worth it. It helps to focus on just being grateful for a healthy body that can do so many things. And for a husband who just loves me and thinks I’m beautiful even though my body isn’t perfect.
I know many women who altered their bodies through cosmetic surgery and I certainly think it is a personal decision because we are all made happy in our own little ways. In my opinion, I choose not to have surgery and hope that there is not a time when it is necessary for my health. The Botox craze really just trips me out. I have girlfriends in their mid-twenties who’ve received a little plump here or there to keep wrinkles at bay. This is crazy to me because I am just quite fanatic about not inserting chemicals into my skin. I have a hard enough time succumbing to take a prescription med or having to eat at a fastfood place when traveling. I do on the other hand love a mani-pedi day, I am all for waxing and just about any other spa treatment you can name. I think self-acceptance is the highest form of flattery and the most frowned upon concept in society today. If I want my body to look better, for lack of a better word, I will exercise more, stop having a treat or skip a cocktail. Guess maybe now that I will be 30 I should start wearing makeup regularly….nah :)
I’m bracing for a bruising for saying this, but from my perspective (credentials: I have nine sisters. One wife. Thank goodness it’s not the other way around), women dress up for other women and make-up for other women primarily. If it were not so, once a woman married, assuming her husband didn’t care about make-up, she would stop wearing it altogether since she would no longer need it to help her attract a mate. Same with heels. Same with fancy clothes. Same, although probably less so, with augmentation. Utopia: no makeup. This would move the threshold of beauty right to the line of natural.
And thanks, Heather, for not wearing perfume. My allergic sensitivities give me a hard enough time with all of the pollen floating around.
And speaking of being given a hard time (Michelle, I’m looking at you with a Clint Eastwood brow furrow): I’m typing this with my developing pooch.
Neal–I’m laughing so hard at your comment about having 9 sisters and one wife. Good times.
Dang, I think you might be on to something re: women dressing up for other women. What is up with that? There is some crazy competitiveness underneath the surface there.
Interestingly, I think it can occur on the flipside. Exhibit A: me, bragging (cringe) about how I don’t do any of that. That could be considered a sort of competitiveness, couldn’t it?
I have friends who brag/boast about how they make everything from scratch. People who boast about never taking any kinds of medication. People who do free range everything. People who never let their kids eat candy or drink carbonated drinks. Perhaps people yearn for a way to set themselves apart from others. And for some women (and men), altering their bodies fills that need.
Completely agree – I think we all want something to either set us apart – or to put us in a particular group, and people who say they don’t are in a group of there own. I have always thought this about fashion. In college I had friends who dressed ‘differently’ to stand out, but they all dressed the same as each other!
I had an interesting conversation with a male friend about the women compete. We sort of decided that men often compete with other men in ‘contests’ where the men have some control over the variables – best car, biggest salary, sleekest yacht (?). Women often compete, however, with regards to things out of their control – boobs, weight, general looks. (And i’m not saying weight can’t be controlled, only that each person is born with a template that limits one’s potential.)
Guilty about the medication, candy, and carbonated drinks, though I’m also a recovering extremist (maybe I’m also boasting about that).
We should also realize that altering of our bodies can be a natural thing, as in engaging in a regular exercise program, or even getting a haircut (unchecked hair growth would work for me, but I think that a certain ward clerk might give me that Clint Eastwood stare. Also I have to embarrass myself before Michelle beats me to it again and say that I find it necessary to alter the length of my nose hair from time to time).
I was listening to Radio West last week. Can’t remember the particulars, but someone said that women especially have painted themselves into a corner: You choose to stay home and you’re judged for not pursuing a career. You pursue a career and you’re judged for not being at home with your kids. It’s a lose/lose proposition. I think getting out from under somebody else’s microscope is the key. And then don’t point out that you are not under the microscope.
Does wanting to be unique have anything to do with being westerners? The sense of individualism is less strong in eastern cultures, I’m told.
Continuing on with the competitiveness angle . . .
how about women boasting about how they did natural childbirth? (Umm, not me–I asked for any and all available drugs that wouldn’t permanently maim the baby . . .) This seems like part of that one-upsmanship (sp.?) culture to me.
You are right about altering our body in more natural ways. I’ve just spent the last nearly 8 months losing about 30 lbs., so I’m not above altering my body. Having said that, part of the reason it took me so LONG to get up to my maximum weight and to finally decide to try to lose some weight is because I felt good about myself at that weight. I really was not motivated by feeling fat. What motivated me was a) seeing that my BMI (another outward measure!) put me in the OBESE category (and even now, 30 pounds later, I’m still comfortably in the overweight category) and b) knowing the many, many links between weight/diet and all sorts of diseases–particularly cancer (considering my family history).
Would like to have heard the Radio West thing. You’re right about women painting themselves into a corner. I love your comment that we should get out from under other people’s microscopes.
I think that women who boast about having natural childbirth have something to boast about. Natural childbirth is a serious accomplishment. It’s hard. It’s work. It takes preparation and dedication. It is something to be proud of. Why can’t a woman be proud of something hard that she accomplished?
Just because someone is proud of something they’ve done doesn’t indicate in any way that people who have made a different choice are somehow lesser. However, it is often perceived that way and I wonder why. Is it, perhaps, because those who feel “less than” or who are somehow threatened with someone else’s choices isn’t truly secure with their own?
It’s just more of the “mommy wars”, but it’s not limited to mommies. Yes, women are competitive. Yes, women compare themselves to other women. But I believe it’s our own insecurities that make us judgmental of people who do things differently from ourselves.
People who boast about buying free range or baking from scratch, I believe, are merely trying to educate people on healthy choices. And when I feel irritated about someone talking about doing those things, it’s usually because I feel guilty that I too am not doing it, even though I know I should. But I have different priorities. Yes, I want to provide the healthiest food for my children possible. But I also want to read more and cook less, so costco chicken nuggets it is. We all have a value system that informs our choices, and everyone has a different set of values.
I believe that the bigger problem here is the judgments we put on each other. Because of our inherent competitive natures, this type of judgment only adds fuel to the fire. Allow people to do whatever crazy thing they want, because chances are they think you’re nuts too. I know I need a large dose of grace to be tolerated by the people around me, and I hope I can offer the same to them.
Menner, oh, I agree completely that I shouldn’t judge. And I know that my post sounds judgmental–because it is. :( I’m not proud of it; I was just trying to be honest.
You are right that it’s all about priorities. Part of my motivation for not wanting to be “fancy” because I’d rather spend my time/money elsewhere.
With regard to natural childbirth: I think women should be proud of childbirth whether they use drugs or not. It’s hard and terrible no matter what. I hate to see us claim bragging rights over things like this: whether we breastfeed, whether we do natural childbirth or not, whether we allow our kids to watch TV or not, etc.
I’m with you, Heather, particularly on how jarring it is to hear of women altering their feet to make high heels easier to wear. Yikes!
I’m sorry to say, but given that better-looking people are treated better, this type of surgery might make sense from a purely economic perspective. Say that increasing your attractiveness (the general you) a little bit (nose job? tummy tuck? breast enlargement?) will increase how much money you can make by $500 a year (I’m making up the number, of course). Say that it will also ease all kinds of other social interactions–get you out of speeding tickets, whatever. Then if it costs $5000, it might actually be worth it in an economic sense (unless the risk of complications is pretty high).
I wish it weren’t true, but I suspect that it probably is. If attractiveness weren’t a characteristic that’s so focused on, particularly for women, it wouldn’t be worth it.
Leave it to Ziff to boil it down to some numbers for us. ;)
I read a study recently that said that unattractive and overweight people were more discriminated against than any other group. :(
As I was reading this to my husband I said, “Women dress up and have plastic surgery for themselves or for other women AND Men wear certain clothes and shoes and ties and have certain wallets and cars to impress other MEN!!!”
I do have an Aunt whose husband asked her to have a face lift because as he got older he looked better yet as she got older she looked worse. She did it. My aunt was SOOOOOOOO mad at her dad for even asking such a thing, let alone having her follow through with it, just to please him. So I guess it is to please your man if you are a woman sometimes.
I have another friend who has 9 children, dark hair and when her husband was alive and about 40 or so wanted her to dye her hair because he did NOT want to have a wife with gray hair. It would let everyone know just how OLD he was!!! She did it and still does even though he is dead and she is not in need of seeking a man. She is marrying her husbands best friend. She now dyes her hair for herself. She is only 44 or 45 yrs old.
I am with Heather on the NOT fancy thing. I think for me it is simply a choice between what might impress others-both men and women-and what leaves me the MOST time to do what I want. Hair cuts take time, fixing hair takes time, shopping for and buying make-up takes time, shopping for or making, cleaning, and ironing fancy clothes takes time.
The time issue is huge for me. When I think about getting a mani-pedi, I automatically think of all the things I could do with that time that I would enjoy more and that would have more lasting value for me. Same with all those other things–think of all the books I could read!!
I must speak up for the fancy’s :). I wear makeup nearly every day, even camping or to the lake, dye my hair, wax my eyebrows, get excited about fashion trends and have a plastic surgery wish list item. To me, it’s about personal expression, not trying to be an age or a weight I’m not. What’s interesting is that we each have our own lines we draw. For most people it’s wrong to liposuction your fat away, but putting yourself through the rigors of the diet world seems to be okay, even congratulated though numerous studies show it’s harder to keep weight off than beat cancer and the yoyo effect is more unhealthy than the extra weight. There’s risk to everything we do, what we each have to determine is whether the benefit is worth the risk and why we’re doing it.
We don’t live in a vacuum, my idea of beauty is most definitely shaped by people with money to be made by the products I purchase and all I can do is be true to myself. But just because I wear makeup doesn’t mean I don’t see beauty in those without it. I don’t want anyone to dye their hair because they feel they have to in order to be beautiful, but I don’t understand how for those who choose it, it’s any more unnatural than cutting it or styling it.
I’m not going to argue that women making any change to themselves to please someone else is healthy or right, but to me what is more sad than any statistic on what women are doing to their bodies is what women do to each other. I hate to see a rift between the plain jane’s and the fancy nancy’s, and it plays out both ways. It seems to me that when we decide we have value based on the way we do or do not look, we are adopting a beauty myth. I am sad that assumptions are made about a woman’s intelligence, beauty or strength based on the particular myth she subscribes to.
You are right that everyone’s line is in a different place. I was talking to a friend about this book who said that she had several big moles removed from her face. She asked whether that was in my “acceptable” pile. I said “of course!”–all the while realizing that my lines are arbitrary.
But (there’s always a “but”), there is something sad–and crazy–to me about this drive to always look like the ideal that is really only possible in magazines. Why strive for an ideal that is unattainable except for in movies, videogames, and magazines (thanks to airbrushing)? That seems sad to me.
Also seems crazy/weird to read about dads buying boob jobs for their daughters for high school graduation gifts. Ew. Where’s Freud when we need him??
But Mel, your response is so measured. I love it. I need somebody like you to check my incredulity-o-meter because it goes off way too frequently! I love your Plain Janes and Fancy Nancys. I think I’m more like Olivia!! ;)
I really like this. Myths are useful: and this myth is particularly powerful. Who isn’t affected by cultural myths about beauty?
While I have not read the book myself, I’d note that Kuczynski is a writer with great flair and a knack for a good story, but historically has tended to be limited in perspective to the circle of the well-heeled New Yorkers that she moves in. Meaning, I’m not sure how widely practiced many of these examples really are, though breast jobs and botox are definitely popular procedures these days. The NY Times is famous for blowing up limited data into “trends.”
And while I have an awfully difficult time imaging any fellow willingly getting his package re-shaped, I also have a hard time summing up the desire to energy to judge someone who does. It just seems like a way to create needless suffering on my part. Truth is, I have no idea what goes on in people’s private lives that typically provides the context for these sorts of actions, so I don’t feel I really have much to go on. The pursuit of eternal beauty certainly seems futile at some point. But – loaded comment coming – who we judge and why probably says more about ourselves than it does about the targets of our condemnation. And I have plenty of my own follies this way…
Interesting info about Kuczynski, Dan. Thanks for sharing. I was disappointed when I got to the chapter(s) where she talks about her experiences with plastic surgery. But then I realized that made her–in many ways–a great person to write the book. Were I to write a book about this, I would’ve been very judgmental (Exhibit A, this post), but she wasn’t because she’s had numerous procedures herself!
I also liked how Mel positions this as a myth that one subscribes to. In my Graphic Design work, I can tell you that hours of Photoshop-ery go into making each of those magazine photos look “ideal”. Breaking the myth is why it is such a scandal when people see the un-altered photo next to the one that goes to press. Even though the “Gasp! Models get Photoshopped!” story runs all the time, it still gets bandwidth.
Our attention to appearance (or lack thereof) gives clues to the world about what we want to be.
What would Heather be saying (non-verbally) to her colleagues if she had a total Extreme Makeover?
It makes me sad to know that so much of the unhappiness in our society is based on how we perceive ourselves, and our beauty. In my dream world, we are all able to see the beauty in ourselves and each other. I think it’s a HUGE myth that “fixing” ourselves will bring us happiness, whether it’s plastic surgery, weight loss, or changing our bad habits. I see examples everywhere that it doesn’t, yet it seems to be the number one reason women get elective cosmetic surgery or crave to change their appearance. I try not to judge those who have procedures done, yet I can’t help but wonder if that time, energy and money were spent on someone without that kind of disposable income, how much more beauty we would perceive in ourselves and others. I say, fancy or plain, I wish we could see the beauty that is already right in front of our eyes.
Last night on Dancing With the Stars (hey… don’t judge me!) Kirsty Alley said something I found incredibly profound (go figure!). She said, “Somewhere along the line I have to get confident with where I am. I’ve never been confident with where I was. Whether I was 114 pounds, or 231 pounds. It’s like COME ON!, you have to find a place where you say, This is good!, and I don’t want to be dead when I say it.”
I’m just thinking this through as I type, but perhaps there are different stories we need for different times of life. I admire the human instinct to perform, and to present: it’s related to the ‘fake it till you make it’ or Spencer Kimball ‘bear your testimony, and you’ll get one’ ideas. Now, I’m not someone who subscribes to those ideas recently, but empirically, they do work for people. Perhaps there are times when we desire a different kind of ‘authentic’ performance (because all social interaction is performance), and reject these narratives. We may return to a different kind of presentation later.
I think about how these urges are played out in styles across the decades. You can roughly characterise a drive towards flamboyant performance in the 1980s, followed by a more gritty ‘realist’ style in the mid to late nineties, and a return to dramatic style more recently. These things cycle.
Andy – I think a lot of how we present ourselves reflect how well we know ourselves. I tried out so many different looks growing up to figure out what was “me”. Even as styles change, there are always elements of “me” in the current trends and I enjoy playing with those. Usually, they involve some type of natural beaded jewelry, the current version of the Peasant Blouse, and anything that keeps my feet as bare as possible.
Maybe it’s the artist in me, but I think that my tendency to eschew plastic surgery comes from a place of not respecting the unoriginal. I’m just not a fan of Barbie-one-size-fits-all model of beauty. I love the idea that someone with a small chest can rock a low-cut top in a powerful way – the way no set of implants can, or that someone who is super-curvy isn’t going to hide their hips. I love that the French aren’t embarrassed by a bit of belly fat, or that around the world there is not one ideal shape of nose.
I also love the idea that my body is some type of gift (body as a temple is just kind of inaccurate to me). I’m lucky to be in it and walking around the world the way I am. Isn’t that something to celebrate? Isn’t that something to take care of, to feed well, to explore, to play with and move in?
I spent most of Wednesday in a dark room looking at slides of ‘cosmetic’ breast surgeries at a lactation conference. Pretty graphic and shocking for non-surgeons, I’d have to say, but extremely interesting. The presenter is an expert (or rather, THE expert) breastfeeding after breast surgery, and had breast reduction herself. She shared some published, peer-reviewed scientific research that stated that most women choose to have reduction surgery for health reasons like back pain, shoulder grooving from bra straps, etc. However, her own non-scientific, non-peer reviewed survey revealed that most women choose to have reduction surgery because of sexual harassment, especially as a teen or young woman. It was heart breaking to hear some of the stories and how women with large breasts are viewed in our culture as sexually available, flaunting themselves, or as promiscuous.
There is a post on Jezebel right now about the trauma of developing breasts and some of the stories are heartbreaking (although there are some awesome stories about sensitive, cool mothers as well). For many girls, developing breasts meant being commented on rudely and inappropriately by parents or teachers or grabbed and groped by boys (this happened to me repeatedly in 6th grade), followed by long periods of hiding and self-loathing.
The boys that harassed me used to come up behind me and another girl and grab us, sometimes it was just as we were passing in the hall, standing in line. After about a month, I stood up to them and asked them to stop ( it never occurred to me to talk to a teacher or my mom, I was too embarassed). Some of the boys laughed, one called me a b**ch and one, later and away from the other boys, said, “That really hurt your feelings? I won’t do it again.” The others still teased me a bit, but they didn’t touch me again, although, they didn’t leave the other girl alone. Even though I did find my voice and ask them to stop, it is troubling to realize how much this kind of stuff (and lots of comments I recieved) affected my perception of my body.
Wow, Claire, that’s really interesting.
I’ve always aid that breast reduction surgery is the only kind of elective procedure I’d voluntarily undergo . . . and let’s just say that biological reality has rendered that choice downright laughable. ;)
The last 5+ years I have found myself working at a job I love with a (female) boss who puts a lot of emphasis on how people look. She makes derogatory comments about others (how they’re dressed, how overweight they are) all the time, which makes me cringe at what she might be thinking about me. It’s been very difficult for me to balance my drive to move up within the organization and ‘impress the boss’ when there are so many days I’m just not in the mood to care that much. Inevitably, half way through those days I wished I’d spent more time on my hair. I used to be fancier, and I think I straddle the fence. A little jewelry, perfume, makeup 75% of the time. I have two daughters, and I am determined to raise them with fashion freedom.
Interesting experience, Jessica. I’ve never worked in an environment where employees talked about the way people were dressed/hair/make-up, etc. Of course, academia isn’t exactly known for an emphasis on fashion. ;)
What does “fashion freedom” mean for you and your daughters?
@Heather, “fashion freedom” would mean being comfortable with experimenting with fashion, wearing whatever they wanted simply because they liked it. I have worked with several women who place a lot of emphasis on looking put-together and trendy, and I cannot stand the way they make their daughters always wear matching outfits, or get after them if they’re hair is askew, etc. Judgmental on my part, I know, but it makes my heart hurt that they are teaching them that this is what matters.
Would you rather be pretty or smart? The other day I was talking with some friends just before their baby daughter was born – the comments were about how they hoped their daughter was pretty. I asked, don’t you also wish she was smart? The reply was basically – we are concerned that she is pretty, for sure – smart is a side helping.
Pretty is a very valuable asset for women. Have you ever seen those studies that show – all things being equal, the person with the more universally recognized pretty face is the one that wins?
I guess – I just am attracted to smart. Pretty is the side helping to me. I would always choose smart if there was a war with pretty.
@Angie, I’m with you!
Thought about this whole idea again tonight as we were watching Return of the King (the third LOTR movie). We gasped when we saw one of the disgusting Orc dudes and Marin (my 11 year old) said: “Okay, mom. But if you looked like that, THEN it would be okay to have plastic surgery.” ;)