I’m Not Fancy

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“At fifty, every man has the face he deserves.   To erase the lines and change the contours of one’s face is a way of obliterating one’s history.” –George Orwell

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When Kennedy was about 9, I started a mother/daughter book club. At the first meeting, each mom introduced her daughter to the group and then each daughter introduced her mom. When it got to be Kennedy’s turn, she said, “My mom’s name is Heather and she’s working on her Ph.D., so she’s always reading or doing stuff on the computer. That’s about it. She’s not fancy.” All the moms laughed out loud-including me-and Kennedy thought she had said something bad. I assured her that not only was her comment not bad; it was spot-on.

That’s me. I’m not fancy. What you see is pretty much what you get with me. I wear very minimal make-up. I make some effort to cover up zits (why do I have them when I’m nearly 40??), wear some blush, and a bit of brown eyeliner under my eyes. I do wash my hair every day and spend about 5 minutes blowing it dry. I seriously didn’t know that grown women still used hairspray until Kennedy told me otherwise (about two weeks ago). I haven’t used hairspray in about 15 years. I don’t wear jewelry and don’t paint my fingernails or toenails. I had my first mani-pedi last year because Kennedy begged me to do it with her for her 13th birthday. I didn’t enjoy it and resented the $60 I blew on them. Perfume? Forget about it. I don’t use any kind of cream or cleaning products besides shampoo, conditioner, and soap. I’m pretty Plain Jane, but I like myself just the way I am . . .

. . . which is why I was completely flummoxed while reading the book Beauty Junkies: Inside our $15 Billion Obsession with Cosmetic Surgery by Alex Kuczynski. Let me treat you to some of the more outrageous things I learned in this book:

  • Women are having their toes shortened and collagen injected into the soles of their feet so that they can withstand the daily grind of walking in high heels. (Hello, sounds an awful lot like foot bindings to me . . .)
  • One of the fastest growing areas in the field is called “labial rejuvenation” or “labiaplasty” which supposedly gives the patient the feeling of “revirginization.”
  • “Umbilicoplasty” is for people who want their belly button to look different.
  • Some women now are having surgery to have their nipples enlarged.
  • I have been to a few Pampered Chef and Creative Memories parties, but apparently I am not cool enough to be invited to a “pumping party,” where a doctor shows up with a bag of Botox and injects guests with Botox while they drink wine and exchange pleasantries.
  • You can go on a “surgery safari” to Africa for the modest sum of $12,000, which includes roundtrip airfare to South Africa, various plastic surgery procedures, meals, and painkillers.
  • A highly successful businessman (also in Manhattan) actually had Botox inserted into the palms of his hands and into the soles of his feet. His goal? Living a wrinkle-less existence.
  • You can have your calves surgically augmented.
  • Males can have testicle implants and scrotum reductions. Who knew?
  • If you think your eyebrows are too thin, you can have eyebrow hair transplants.
  • You can have your gum line raised so that your teeth look bigger.
  • A former NAVY Seal actually had a surgeon create a bullet wound scar so that he wouldn’t feel left out in the locker room with his buddies who had legitimate visible battle wounds.
  • More and more girls under age 18 are having breast implants. Turns out their parents are giving them this as a gift for high school or college graduation. Ew.

To a not-fancy person like me, all of this seems like total insanity. It seems like narcissism and pure vanity. I am completely incapable of understanding why anyone would undergo something like this to have shorter toes, a bigger scrotum, bigger breasts, bigger-looking teeth, what have you. I know it’s bad to be judgmental . . . but I totally judge people who have elective plastic surgery. I’m not talking about people who have cosmetic surgery after terrible injuries or accidents or women who have reconstructive surgery after mastectomies. I’m talking about elective cosmetic surgery.

Just accept yourself the way you are-flaws and all. I know that sounds cavalier. Accept that you have thin eyebrows. Accept that you have small(er) boobs. Accept that you are aging. Aging is part of the human condition. Accept your gray(ing) hair. I am getting some gray hairs. I don’t mind the look of them, but they are a different texture and so sometimes they stand straight up (which I don’t love). But I’m 37. I expect them. I have no desire to try to return my body to its teenage or young adult form. I have stretch marks on my belly from three pregnancies. I do not wish to get rid of them and never tried to use any kind of cream to prevent them. They’re part of me. They tell the story of my life.

So what do you think? Are you “pro-plastic surgery” like Scarlett Johanson has claimed to be? Does it seem like a necessary part of getting older? Or are you pious and self-righteous like me (cringe)?