A few months ago, Brent and I finally managed to complete a task that has been on our to-do list for-gulp-14.5 years. We had a will drawn up (and other sad-ish documents like a power of attorney, a living will, etc.). Why 14.5 years? Our oldest daughter is 14.5 years old, so we’d been saying we needed a will since she was born.
Why had we waited so long? Well, here are a few reasons, in no particular order:
1) It’s really not that fun to contemplate one’s own untimely death.
2) It costs money that we didn’t relish the thought of spending on something like that.
3) The feeling that our lives are uncomplicated enough that it just didn’t warrant a will.
4) This absurd notion: “That’ll never happen to us.”
5) Reluctance to ask someone to take care of our children in case we die before they’re adults.
We talked about getting by with a do-it-yourself will/software package (although how weird is the photo at left with the will alongside the chocolate?), but we couldn’t even muster the energy to do that. Something finally pushed us away from our inertia and we found a lawyer. Some of the stuff was easy. For instance, I knew I wanted a do-not-resuscitate order and I knew I trusted my sister (a doctor) to make sensible medical decisions for me. Appointing an executor was fairly easy as well.
The biggest issue, of course, was who to ask to be the guardians of our children. Geez, our kids are great and everything, but talk about a huge responsibility! First, we needed someone who would be capable of taking care of our kids. We needed someone who knew and loved our kids. Then-and perhaps most importantly-we needed someone who would be WILLING to take care of our kids. Last, we wanted someone who would raise our kids, well, the way we intend to raise them . . .
Except here’s what we realized: we can’t really dictate how someone would raise our kids in this case because we would be dead, right?
Or can we? My dad had a dear friend who asked him whether he would agree to be the guardian of his two children if he and his wife died unexpectedly. My dad considered it and then said “yes.” His friend, a Catholic, then asked my dad whether he would please raise them to be Catholic. My dad, a Mormon, considered that request and also said “yes.” He felt like it was important enough to his friend that he would be willing to take his friend’s children to mass, first communion, catechism classes, etc.
Going through the whole draft-a-will process made me remember my dad’s friend’s request. Can you ask someone to raise your kids in a particular religion?
My brother and I recently tossed the issue around. So in my dad’s case, he was Mormon and his friend was Catholic. That’s a pretty big request. But what if you not only want your kids to be raised Mormon, but you want them to be raised to be a certain kind of Mormon-be it more or less orthodox? What then? Is that a reasonable request to make of a friend or family member? For example, if you’re a less-than-orthodox Mormon, could you request that your orthodox brother or sister raise your children in a less orthodox way, or vice versa? Or how about if you’re not really religious? Let’s say your dearest friends belong to a very conservative religion. Would that get them bumped from your list of possibilities?
Where does religious affiliation fall on your list of things you’d want in the people you’d consider asking to be the guardians of your children? Is it your number one priority? Or does it even make the cut?
I think as long as they let your children know what your thoughts were on religion accurately, that’s all you can really ask, isn’t it? And allow them to do as they then want… your own opinions,may have changed had you lived on.
What exactly is an “orthodox” mormon?
Hmm–guess it means the same thing it would mean if applied to another religion: “orthodox Jew” implies someone who follows religious rules/dictates carefully/strictly. So I guess “orthodox Mormon” means the same thing.
I think there are about as many different kinds of Mormons as there are any other religion, no?
“Orthodox Jew” is more specific than just statement about how strictly the person follows the rules. It’s a little more like a denomination that tends toward strictness.
You can’t even dictate who takes care of your kids. Do keep that in mind: a provision in your will directing who will be the guardian of your minor children will not be binding. It’s an expression of your wishes, and will be taken into consideration by the court, but the court will have the power to act in what it thinks is the best interests of your minor children, despite what your will says.
So with that in mind, you can put things like “I wish for my children to be raised [in a given religion]” or whatever you want in your will. It’s called “precatory language” and expresses your wishes but is not binding. That’s pretty much the best you can do.
I am less concerned with the religion my children are raised in than I am the attitudes about that religion that they are raised with. I am an ex-Mormon, and I have hefty negative feelings about the Church, but all the listed guardians for my children in my will are Mormons, because I know they are good people, I know they are good parents ot their own kids, and I am comfortable with their relationships with the Church.
I guess I get that, but it seems like they’d have to have a pretty good REASON to look at my will and the capable people we’ve designated as guardians of our children and override that, no?
Probably. The specifics may vary from state to state.
I suppose you can ASK for anything. What you will GET (after you are dead) may be another story! But I do think when it comes to acting as a “surrogate” decision maker or parent, it would be considerate to make decisions based on what the child’s parents would have done if it is clear. In medical decision-making situations, I always remind those appointed to make decisions that they are making the best decision they can based on what the person who appointed them would have wanted if they could be making the decision now. So when you appoint someone to make medical decisions for you, hopefully you have had conversations about what you would want done because that will make their job easier if it ever comes to that. And if you appoint someone to care for your children, I think you can certainly ask them to do for your children what you would have done if you were there and hope that they will respect that and try to carry it out as best as they can. I think if someone accepts this assignment, you should discuss some specifics about what the most important things are to you so that they know that and can use that knowledge to raise your children in your absence. “Here’s how we roll…”
Yes, yes, and yes, Karin.
We’ve talked about how I’m not to be kept alive (with feeding tube & oxygen, etc.) if I’m brain dead, right??
Folks–one really GOOD way to do this is to conduct this very important conversation via the comments on a BLOG. Ha ha.
My wife’s youngest sister has stipulated that her children will be raised by us in the case of demise of both parents. My oldest daughter tends to be a tease — she’s 27 and her cousins (children of this sister) are 11 and 7. The also live pretty much clear across the country from us.
Recently they were here for a visit. At one point, my daughter was teasing the 7 year old and said, “You know, if your mom and dad die, you have to come live with me?”
He replied, “I guess I’ll have to learn to cook for myself, then.”
His mother said, “Why not learn to cook for yourself anyway?”
Urgh…my husband and I have been thinking a lot about the whole “who takes the kids if we die, and what should we/could we tell them regarding how we want our kids raised”. I’ve decided that I think it’s fair to pass on what you’d have hoped for your kids. While I realize that I cannot expect for sure that those wishes will be honored by the guardians, I think it’d be at least nice for the kids to know what I would have done/tried to do if I would have been alive.
So, while we haven’t figured out guardians just yet (the whole two nationality thing makes everything even more complicated – do I want my kids with in-laws who seem like a great fit, but don’t speak German/have never traveled outside the US?), I have written up a long letter/list of what I hope for my kids (main attributes etc. I’d want them to learn). I fully intend to expand on the list as the years go on, and have it passed on the guardians if my husband and I die. Clearly, they may not do all those things. But, I think it would give them a good idea, they’d have something for my kids to hand to, and honestly, I think most people who’re willing to take on someone else’s kids, will also do all they can to raise the children in the spirit of their parents (unless, of course, their parents were sick freaks).
We’ve had friends ask us to be the guardians of their kids. We were pretty surprised, but they have asked us to do/not do certain things and we totally would do whatever they asked (again unless it was plain crazy).
Interesting, Fran–I’ve never thought of doing something like this (composing a list of attributes/beliefs/values that are important to you). I’m sure that’s something your kids will love when they’re adults.
Yeah, they’ll love it, and then laugh at it – because they turned out the exact opposite of everything I hoped for. Hahahaha…
Well, I hope that won’t be the case, but it was simply something that helped me, foremost, to clarify what I’m trying to achieve in this whole parenting business, and I figured it would help whoever got stuck with our kids. Initially I also meant to hand it to the family member I had in mind as guardians, have them read it and see if they felt they could raise our kids like that. But, that was a while ago, and now I’m eying a different family member.
Yeah–very interesting–even if you DIDN’T end up giving it to the potential guardians.
I’m in teacher education and we have our students write a philosophy of education–just to help them articulate what the purpose if of education, what kind of teacher they hope to be, etc. So this sounds kind of like that. I like it.
I would want my kids to be raised with love. That is the most important thing to me as I grow up and have the thought of having my own children one day. Maybe that thought would change one day, but I want my children to know in case my husband and I die before they are grown how much we loved them and still do. Then I would want them to be raised in a household full of love and non judging people. That is what I would wants for my kids; no matter what religion as long as they have love and happiness. Then I’ll be good.
This is prob weird coming from a person who doesn’t even have children yet. (: haha.
Megan, that made me tear up just a little. Maybe I’m just PMSing, but thanks for posting.
It seems to me that you need to have a couple of straightforward and open conversations with your kids and the designated caregivers about what you believe and don’t believe. If your kids are clear and your friends, acting in loco parentis, can carry out your wishes, you’re fine. Is the problem related to your willingness to come out of the closet about your beliefs? I wonder. But, I can’t wonder too much because there are four fire trucks underneath my window at the intersection of 72nd and York and I may have to hurry up and write my own will. Bye, Aunt Marilyn
Oh, no! Good luck with the firetrucks!
There actually isn’t a problem. We’re good. I’ve talked to two of my sibs and they’re on board (god forbid) to take care of our kids if we die unexpectedly while they’re still kids.
Someone else raised the issue with me last week, so I just thought it would make for some interesting conversation.