Real. It’s one of my favorite four letter words. I can’t think of any better criteria for a friend – just be real.
Satya is the Sanskrit word for truthfulness. It’s one of the main precepts of yoga and one of the first things yogis are invited to explore: pure, raw, unfiltered truth. I thought I knew what honesty was, but even though I lived a very outwardly honest life — internally, Satya proved me to be anything but.
It happens in all spiritual circles, whether you’re Mormon, Buddhist, Catholic or whatever. We get an idea of what being spiritual looks like and we absorb all the unspoken expectations of our culture, often becoming an exaggerated version of our ideal. We all understand that to be a devoted Mormon, one presents a certain way: one must read their scriptures daily, hold Family Home Evening every week, wear shades under all of their sleeveless tops, never be seen with a Starbucks cup in hand (or heaven forbid something stronger), and have a well rehearsed answer for every question about the after-life that one could possibly dream up. To be a “serious” yogi (versus a gym-rat yogi) one must weave the words love and light into every conversation, carry around their own organic vegan food (probably some type of sludge in a mason jar), wear organic hemp clothing and nod along to every big spiritual question, talking in circles and using words like, “manifest, shakti, and dharma” until nobody has any clue what their talking about! Every group has their way of expressing what spiritual and devoted look like. These expressions – silly as their exaggerations may be, seep into our peripheral and color our expectations of ourselves and of those around us. It’s not surprising that we often end up so far from reality, from truthfulness and honesty. We either cling to this type of spirituality, trying to fit a certain mold that may or may not fit us personally — or we roll our eyes, seeing through the dishonesty of trying to be something that we’re not, while simultaneously missing something that can actually help us.
Really being honest is much different than paying our taxes, not cheating on that calculus exam, or confessing to chopping down a cherry tree. Byron Katie said, “Don’t try to be spiritual. Be honest instead.” I think that may be the most brilliant thing I have ever heard. Go deeper! Trying to be spiritual, or feeling like you will never be this ideal of spiritual, is what keeps us from being exactly that. Most of us walk around in some state of denial. We have a mental construct of who we are that may or may not match up with reality. This effort to reach for spirituality outside of realism is what pulls us away from the very authenticity we are trying to embrace. We cannot be spiritual when we are being something that we are not.
Are you thinking about running away from home because at this very moment you can’t stand your two-year old even for one more minute? Admit it! Do you love watching junk television programs? Admit it. Do you think you look damn good today? ADMIT it! Are you really good at keeping things organized? Time to admit it. C’mon, get real about the parts of you that are embarrassing, flattering, insightful, or shameful. Sure, maybe you’re not going to run around telling everybody, “You are full of shit!” in those exact terms, or “I really like watching Real Housewives of NYC,” or “I look amazing today,” or “I’m actually really good at being on time,” but perhaps, just perhaps, we’ll be one step closer to enlightenment if we simply stop lying to ourselves. Perhaps as we strip ourselves free of the ideals we have within our given culture, we’ll have more real material to work with. Perhaps, we’ll peel ourselves down to a place so real, so honest, so transparent, that we actually know what we’re working with. Maybe we’ll get to know ourselves a little bit better and know what to accept, what to shift, and how to move through this world with more grace and love. Perhaps when we’re working from a place of reality — we’ll be able to really transform. In fact, maybe just seeing ourselves in this kind of truthfulness IS the transformation that feels so elusive in the first place. Perhaps we are simply hiding from ourselves, our true nature, from spirit itself.
Martha Graham said, “There is a vitality, a life force that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.”
Do you know someone who lives this kind of truth? Whose expression is claimed and expressed openly? Someone who is real and authentic? How do you feel when you are around them?
I was having a chuckle because as a teacher I experience real people all day. They are only 6 but you wouldn’t believe the stuff they tell me because they have no life filter yet. When asked if they took something, they confess. They pee in front of other people – on the floor. They wear some strange stuff because there is no pressure yet to be like someone else. Parents have no idea that I know which TV shows everyone in the family watches and if they had sex last night. I don’t even have to dig. If it’s exciting, that 6 year old will be screaming it at me on the playground before we even enter the school. They are so innocent and haven’t been hurt as we have been. They are accepting of others and real and forgiving and loving. BUT they immediately mimic all good and bad behavior of those around them . . . changing to what they think they need to be in life – to be like each other.
What is it about humans that causes most of us to start wanting to groupthink? Is it a hereditary and genetic impulse to want to participate with the herd – even to our own detriment? In our evolution, did we need to be with those like us to survive better? So the loners and thinkers died off and the groupthinkers had required protection to reproduce lots of groupthinkers? I do know this . . . the group that I was supposed to belong to did not fit me. This forced me to be very real about a few things that changed my path significantly in life. Perhaps there is a place even in evolution for those of us outside the group? It might be important for the group to have a few people on the periphery to point out the cliff to the lemmings.
Life self-actualization is what the professionals call becoming aware of your true self. The social scientists think only about one third of all people will self-actualize at the end of their life. There are even theories about brain development and how some people never develop the connections to think about their own thinking. Personally, I think it’s a work you do all through you life . . . you should think about your thinking periodically throughout life and your true self and try to be real in ways that will be good for you and those around you. . . to get to a point at the end when you can honestly say – I have arrived.
Wonderful post! I think I’ll make the Byron Katie quote, “Don’t try to be spiritual. Be honest instead” my motto. But, as you pointed out, being honest requires balance–no sense intentionally offending others.. The first step, obviously, is to be honest with ourselves.
This post is both simple and brilliant, Laurie. The quote by Martha Graham is one of my favorites. It’s amazing to me how walls that others put up come down when I present myself honestly instead of wasting a lot of energy trying to present something other than what I am in that moment. Of course, it also offends people at times as well. In the end though, I find that presenting myself honestly gives others the permission to do the same.
Peculiarities of culture can certainly constrict the human soul, withholding that marvelous venture into the realm of really knowing who we are. The good news is that we can, in fact, know who we are, just by knowing that we are children of God and understanding the plan of happiness that was laid out for us before the world was created. Equally important is realizing that social constructs, or cultures, within religions are not the only figurative strings tied to our feet, pulling us into ‘identity dishonesty’, but also the Adversary, himself. He wants us to forget who we are and never discover who we can become. Much more significant than admitting the small talents and vices that we have within us, is either finding total joy or faltering in total misery.
As an apostle, George Albert Smith said, “‘And thus the devil cheateth their souls and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.’ And that is the way he does it, that’s exactly the way he does it. He does not come and grab you bodily and take you into his territory, but he whispers, ‘Do this little evil,’ and when he succeeds in that, another little evil and another, and, to use the expression quoted, ‘He cheateth their souls.’ That’s what he does. He makes you believe that you are gaining something when you are losing. So it is every time we fail to observe a law of God or keep a commandment, we are being cheated, because there is no gain in this world or in the world to come but by obedience to the law of our heavenly Father. Then again, that peculiar suggestion, ‘And he leadeth them carefully away down to hell’ is significant, that is his method. Men and women in the world today are subject to that influence, and they are being drawn here and there, and that whispering is going on and they do not understand what the Lord desires them to do, but they continue in the territory of the evil one, subject to his power where the Spirit of the Lord will not go” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1918, p.40).
Complete liberation comes when we are totally obedient to the commandments of God, because they are the door openers. Sin and small-mindedness are the door closers. Our minds expand when we contemplate life and meaning and identity as literal children of God, destined for greatness. Obedience helps us to really be free to discover who we are, without any holding back because Satan has gained possession of part of our heart. He takes and does not give back. We give to the Lord and He gives back more than we offered in the first place.
I love this post Laurie. I’ve spent the majority of the last year or so trying to figure out how to be more “genuine”. I know there are parts of myself that are never expressed and that there are aspects of manifesting my personal beliefs that I am poor at executing, but I have finally become more consciously aware of what I need to be doing to get myself and my actions closer to who I really feel that I am at my core. No more doing things “just because”. I’ve always been one that questioned the status quo, but I didn’t see until fairly recently that I had my own static perspective and implementation going on. I realized that I just let things go or do things that I’ve always done because it was easier than finding a way to be truer to myself, and I’m tired of it. I want to live a genuine life, but that requires much more action than I previously believed.
I also want to present myself better to others in person. I don’t want to appear as anything I’m not or let my actions speak for beliefs that I don’t or no longer hold. So I’m trying to be more aware of how I come across and what I show and tell people, from the food I eat to the way I dress. And I’m hoping that I feel more connected in the end because of it. Currently I feel very isolated, but I think that is a symptom of reconciling the two sides. I’m hoping to find people that resonate on the same wavelength as I do by vibrating on a level that fits me better, and I think that is being as honest as I possibly can be with who I am.
Insightful as always Laurie. There is no use fighting it. I really believe the only way to be truly happy in this life is to own who you are. I have actually seriously thought about the benefits of living a dishonest life. Nothing as dishonest as stealing etc. but I have wondered if I wouldn’t be better off playing the culturally appropriate role within my context. This would secure many things in my life I want to remain stable (or at least make it appear as though I have some control over those things). Sometimes I fear my wife will get frustrated with me or my family will label me but I agree that we need to be striving for this authenticity that you propose. What I have found though after wading through much fear of rejection is that everyone is drawn to those who possess this honesty like a moth to a light. They feel at ease, accepted, and inspired.
I think acceptance is the key. If you can accept your present self as the culmination of experiences, cultural shaping, nurture,etc. it’s easier to accept others and actually appreciate them for their individuality. Being honest requires us to be impervious to judgment and criticism. At the root of all this is the desire to control, to control what the world thinks of us, an impossible task
. We lie and mislead to manipulate others. It’s a game that leads no where.
yes. i know someone who lives this kind of truth: my mother.
because i grew up with her, i had no idea it was so rare until i left the house (as in after high school… i learned about less-real people during school days, but didn’t know real people were so scarce until later). for some reason it has all really hit me more since i’ve been married. Mom’s quality of real-ness is so FILLING. so DIVINE. so NOURISHING. these words do not even cover it. and i agree with another commenter-her sense of REAL comes from her one simple knowledge that she’s a daughter of God. that’s it.
specifics on how her “expression is claimed and expressed openly:”
she is different. she is scatter-brained. she is rarely is ‘put-together’ with make-up or outfits. she is not organized nor a stay-at-home mom who starts every day with a 15 min scripture study.
and she has no trouble expressing all of that because she also is intelligent; good at solving every-day puzzle-like situations, she is remarkable at connecting with people of all personalities and she influences these people from all walks of life in positive ways-as deeply as they each will let her. i do not doubt that she prays every day-though it is probably most often from her cubicle or in commute or in any moment of gratitude or need at home.
she is real and authentic. i’d like to interview everyone she knows and see how much they use these words to describe her.
i feel grounded with her. accepted, understood and loved-and i wouldn’t say that’s just because i’m her daughter. i’d venture to say everyone feels this way around her.
she knows that NO MATTER WHAT, she is a loved daughter of a Divine God who made her for a reason and a purpose. and it frees her.
i hope and pray i can follow her example and spread REALness and pass the (God’s) love along.
she admits all of this and expresses it everyday. i think anyone who knows her would use REAL to
Hi All,
I am glad to have found this site. I’ve been struggling with the concept of my lack of “Mormon” cultural identity and my search for personal authenticity.
Like many of you here, at times I feel like an exile among the members at church. I have served a mission, graduated from BYU, married in the temple and have a loving wife and three little kids whom I love tremendously. I am currently serving as an executive secretary in my ward. BUT, I often feel sad and misunderstood with others around me at church. I believe – from my own lengthy search – in the fundamentals of what my church teaches, yet I struggle with being real and finding real people around me at church. I’m sure they exist, but are they all too afraid (like I am) of the (perceived) consequences of being real? Or are they being real, and I just don’t mesh with their particular type of real?
I’m selfishly rambling here, so forgive me. Somehow admitting this “out loud” for the first time feels cathartic.
The real me is probably something like this:
– I want to wear khaki slacks and a white shirt with a bow tie (because they please me, and I’m sure God doesn’t mind) to church. Instead, a few Sunday’s ago I was ashamed to wear my tan slacks and white shirt with blue sports coat because all the others in the bishopric (and other quorum leaders and apostles) wear dark suits. I had one black suit but the pants wore out so I’ve been wearing the aforementioned outfit because I have nothing else. I think back to the 50 year old men “still” in Elder’s Quorum who wear blue shirts, striped shirts, cartoon ties and penny loafers, and I am afraid to be seen dressing like them and, ultimately, “end up” in Elder’s Quorum for the rest of my life. I feel ashamed to think this thought. I want to be okay with my image and not buy into how I’m tempted to feel about those 50 year old men in Elder’s Quorum.
– I want to be free to be open with others at Church about my weakness of random depression and desire for being isolated sometimes. At church and with church people I smile and am always pleasant and accommodating. I try to be polished and ready to lend the listening ear to those who need to talk. While it’s a genuine feeling, I really only feel up to that for those few hours when I am there. However, since this is the way others see me at church, they assume I am always chipper and outgoing. I feel I sometimes offend others when I’m not as chipper outside of church – when I’m comfortable and feeling more “me.”
– I want to drink my Coke shamelessly. I want to enjoy my decaf without feeling the need to explain to others what’s in my cup. I want to enjoy the aromatic and cooling effect of my pipe with the non-tobacco herbal mix I learned to make from a friendly hiker years ago without feeling the need to tell everyone that its a non-tobacco herbal mix I learned to make from a friendly hiker years ago.
– I want to share feelings of doubt concerning certain principles within the appropriate context at church without being afraid of possibly being labeled a dissenter or something similar. I want these doubts to be seen just as that – parts of doctrine I don’t understand and haven’t yet been able to believe in, but that I want to believe in. The feeling that I’m looking for direction, not trouble.
– I want to sometimes pray with my eyes open, sitting still, looking around me, hands unfolded, knees unbent, head unbowed. Not out of an intentional disregard for that posture, but out of an attempt to just “speak” with God with as little ritual as possible.
– I want to not always talk about church/Utah-related topics when I am spending time with other people from church. Sometimes it feels like its the only thing we have in common; yet I want to discover other links that we share. I don’t care for BYU football, most non-hymn church music, Deseret Books and other similar LDS-related commodities. Thus, I’d rather not discuss them nor feel guilty about disliking them.
– I want to do/be all these things without feeling guilty for doing so. I want my (wonderful) wife to “get me” and not fear that I am entering into the realm of apostasy when I attempt to be more authentically me.
I understand that the only thing stopping me from being real is me. I can assign no blame anywhere else. Perhaps a lot of this comes from the fact that I am from and reside in the Southern US. I feel l share very little explicit cultural characteristics with the other members in my ward who are mainly from the inter-mountain west (some of which are listed above). While I respect their culture, I do not have interest in sharing their explicit cultural characteristics. They do not represent me, they do not fulfill me – they don’t enhance my life. But, ultimately, these are the people I am most expected to become one with – expectations coming from Gospel, church organization and my wife.
The underlying problem in all of this is that I feel my personal progression towards unity with them is largely judged (by them) by my exhibition (or execution) of their explicit cultural characteristics. This is ironic seeing as we already largely share the implicit aspects (the most important of all; a few being familial-centricity, obedience, frugality, sacrifice, compliance, service, etc. ); and its because of these shared implicit aspects that we find ourselves as a church unit in the first place.
I’m done with my thoughts here. Thanks for the space. I would love to hear from those of you who have experienced similar feelings! I know I’m not alone!
Anachron, thanks for visiting and I’m so glad you are finding a home here at Doves and Serpents. Welcome! I have experienced much of the same. Finding my Mormon community online has been very satisfying, since geography can be so limiting! I look forward to hearing more from you.