If you are going down a road and don’t like what’s in front of you and look behind you and don’t like what you see, get off the road. Create a new path!
-Maya Angelou
“I just don’t want to be the one who’s job it is to clean the house” I told my husband on Friday, the last day of my full time job. Over the course of the past 14 years, I’ve spent time in both trenches of the Mommy War, and there have been some casualties – I must admit a bit of fear in reliving them as I move on.
During my stint as a SAHM, I spent many hours in the throws of tantrums and spit up idolizing the working mother – her clothing, her “work friends” and her idle office gossip. I was sure her days were spent doing fulfilling and meaningful work, talking about politics and shoes, and lunching with her colleagues.
Then I became one. As a full-time employee in a demanding job, I ate many of those words I’d said so nonchalantly before.
I had no idea that “just showing up to do (fill in the blank) at school” was a real feat, given the fact that my time and priorities weren’t really my own anymore. I underestimated how stressful it was to answer to someone else for 9-10 hours a day and how ruthless a deadline could be. And I had not given due credit for how much humble pie one must eat learning a new job where someone else gets to determine if it is done correctly or not.
There I was, trying to prove myself professionally with long hours, nightly take-out dinners and constant forgetting to sign and return school forms, wistfully remembering life as a SAHM – the freedom to schedule and choose my day, to socialize at the park and to never feel guilt that I wasn’t “there” for my child.
How quickly I forgot the drudgery of doing things that will need re-doing within hours, or seconds, depending on how many kids were home with me. I reminisced about the lunches with other moms and days spent at museums and pumpkin patches without quite remembering the soul-crushing isolation felt when there was no adult conversation several days in a row. And it completely slipped my mind how wrapped up I was in the importance of fundraiser dessert tables and school classroom bulletin boards because they were my one moment to receive outside validation for the fact that I can be brilliant and creative.
And so came the time where I looked both behind and ahead of me, and not seeing what I really want, decided to create a new path. On the trail behind me are both my days as a SAHM and my demanding job as I step into new territory looking for just the right balance for myself, my career and my family.
I hope to have some of the best of those worlds, that my new path finds the time for both showing up at the school and for meeting an arduous deadline. I hope I get to socialize with both “work” friends and “park” friends. And mostly, I hope I get to continue to experience the energizing power of being connected enough to inspire something great in my child and the creative power of “making rain” as I collect a paycheck, both of which I’ve found to be very important to my psyche. And I can’t wait to see what I’ll reminisce next.
Mel, I want to be you when I grow up!! Love love love love this.
What a great post! I don’t think I’ve fought my own Mommy war, but I’ve certainly been a casualty of it.
amen
This really, really resonates — I’m in such a similar place in life. I’m constantly reminding myself (not out of wisdom, but usually when I’m coping with plans or aspirations gone awry) that when you solve one problem, you create another. The thing I’m always trying to figure out is which problems I can live with.
I really like this. What a great reflection on the costs and benefits of different roles and finding the right balance. One question for you is why do we call these “The Mommy Wars” instead of “The Parent Wars”? Do you feel like these issues are specific to women? If so, do you think they should be?
I love this. I want somewhere in the middle ground, too, I think. I’m mostly a SAHM, but teach one class per semester that helps keep me sane. I love how you reflect on how the grass always seems greener on the other side, but I agree that both full-time work and full-time mommydom are rough at times. Every job has its rats :)
I would never choose full-time parenthood (did it for one terrible summer), but I often wonder (fantasize about?) whether doing one or the other is better than trying to do both. I feel like I have worn myself down pretty much to the bone over the last 10 years, trying to work full-time AND do every little thing with the kids. It’s easier now that they’re all in school, but the hours from 3:00 on . . . when I’m still at work, or working from home, or running kids around while stressing over the piles of work I have to do at the office . . .
I LOVE this. Don’t we all do this? I just want to put in a plug for Equally Shared Parenting (ESP). So far, this path has been really really fulfilling (though hard to get there) for my husband and I and our daughter.
This is such a great post! I really appreciate your perspective. It’s great to hear as I sit at home feeling like my brain is rotting away more each day. I often remember that I felt like work was drudgery before I had kids, but sometimes I like to fancy that it will be different the next time around, and I’m constantly dreaming of the moment I’ll get to go back to school, further my education and then work in a fulfilling career. It’s good to be reminded exactly how difficult it can be on the other side of the fence!
Love this! I worked P/T with my first 3 and hated my job so i dreamed about being a full time SAHM. I got that chance and 6 years into it realized that I was literally losing my mind. I now I have a P/T job that I love (i’m the boss!) and I am at home living the best of both worlds. It has taken some time to find the balance though. As I have done that I am reminded that I don’t ever want to be 100% in one world or the other.