When my oldest son was about 18 months old, he used the term “thank you” for “give me.” With his cute little baby accent, he could get almost anything he wanted, especially compared with his younger brother, who at the same age used the term “mine.” While they both meant the same thing, there’s something about gratitude that works some magic and leaves an impression.
And it’s not lost on adults. Now is the time of year when testimony meeting and Facebook become sickeningly sweet as everyone recalls all the mundane things for which they are grateful or those so far out of reach for the rest of us we can’t stand to read them. “I’m grateful for my children, even the moments they throw up and poop at the same time” or “I’m grateful for the surprise service cruise we took last month just for the fun of it.”
Once a participant myself, my family has tried everything from year-round Thankful Thursdays to decorating rubbed leaves made from homemade crayons with pictures of what we’re grateful for (I was once an over-achiever in the SAHM category). One year I made my children recite what they were grateful for everyday for the month of Thanksgiving. My 5 year old at the time said “Princess Lolly” (from CandyLand) every night. I would prod for a “better” answer, and when nothing came, I dutifully wrote it down on the calendar. She’s now an age-appropriately ungrateful 13 year old.
As the years pass, I realize I just don’t enjoy contrived gratitude. It feels a little like forcing a child to say she’s sorry. It seems that all we’re teaching/portraying is the need to please others and “look” good, much like my little son’s word choice.
I am, however, a firm believer in counting our blessings – privately. In expressing gratitude to those who love, serve, teach and put up with us – personally. And in seeing how life happens for us rather than to us, but that usually requires some distance and perspective not achieved in the moment of passion. I find gratitude a cultivated practice, seasoned with maturity and experience from the school of hard knocks.
The French say “gratitude is a memory of the heart,” which implies that there must be some heart in it.
But the public manifestos don’t come across (for the most part) as sincere gratitude. Rather, they become a competition of sorts, where people one-up each other’s smarmy sweetness or horror stories to the point they no longer mean anything.
I, for one, prefer Thanksgiving as a time to enjoy my turkey, not emulate it.
Am I wrong? How do you think we teach ourselves and children to be grateful?
Finally! Someone with a fresh take on gratitude. Mel, you’ve made my November!
Just trying to give you something to report on Facebook you’re grateful for :)
This is so funny, Mel, because I was just thinking how much I’ve been enjoying reading people’s gratitude Facebook posts.
Interesting perspective.
You have either 1. A higher patience level than I or 2. More interesting friends. Likely both :)
“I find gratitude a cultivated practice, seasoned with maturity and experience from the school of hard knocks.” Yes! I was trying to figure out why in the world I don’t enjoy reading people’s FB gratitude feeds and your word hit on it – they feel contrived. I used to keep a gratitude journal and after a few months, I stopped. It felt contrived. I’m all for cultivating gratitude – but I don’t know that real gratitude comes from sitting and writing a list. (maybe for some, not so much for me)
I remember real moments of gratitude that were so strong. Giving birth for the first time and being amazed that my body had done something so smoothly and healthfully. I almost cried, mopping the floor with my second pregnancy and thinking, “Mopping is so much easier this pregnancy… Oh yea. Last pregnancy I couldn’t afford a mop and mopped on hands and knees.” Or when I hear about my great-grandmother having 10 children and saying how unhappy she was – I realized what a true blessing birth control is. It’s these moments that are significantly profound, that make up my experience of real gratitude.
I loved your list Laurie and your sincerity. I do value gratitude, and find it a valuable tool in moving from an outlook of scarcity to abundance. But I don’t believe it can be imposed, either by ourselves or a holiday or others. It was hard trying to be grateful for my healthy children when I lost a baby, and forcing it just added guilt to my grief. Yet other times I find myself at the verge of tears at how thankful I am for them, and even grateful for the experience of loss.
Great post, Mel. I was JUST thinking that it would be interesting to do a different take on the gratitude posts on FB. I was going to write that I was thankful for the opportunity to poison my child, just a little bit, each week so that she can live the other 6 days pain free (i have a daughter with childhood-onset rheumatoid arthritis who needs weekly injections of a toxic anti-inflammatory). It’s jarring, but more real than a lot of the posts in my feed.
I’m curious as to why y’all feel like the posts on FB aren’t real or are contrived. What’s to say they are quite real? I asked my kids the other night to say one thing they’re thankful for. Marin said, “Rick Riordan.” Stuart said, “Education” (okay, so that was a mom-pleasing comment, ha ha!). Kennedy said her band director.
But those things seemed real enough to me and I was glad to hear something they were grateful for.
Having said that, I have thought about how sometimes my gratitude is because I don’t have *that* problem or my marriage isn’t *that* messed up or my child isn’t *that* difficult. Or I’m grateful that *all* I have to endure is something as petty as people at church telling me that women can’t wear pants rather than something *truly* dreadful or sexist or sinister or damaging.
And that kind of gratitude doesn’t seem good.
The real is about what people choose to post. FB statuses are about posturing for most people- we decide how we want to be seen, and what lines of realness we want to step up to or step over.
Oh, I get that. But I think that’s the case all the time, so I’m not convinced that it’s particularly so with the Thanksgiving FB statuses. I did it last year and enjoyed the routine of thinking of something I was thankful for every day and making it public.
And I’ve liked knowing that one of my friends said she was thankful for a special recipe of cornbread she had the other night. And that someone said they’re thankful for their job, etc.
I dunno–I’m usually quite critical, so I’m not accustomed to being the acritical one. Ha ha!