Today’s post is from a guest that we’ll call ‘White Cygnet’.
I didn’t expect Black Swan to strike at my Mormon roots. I found the film both disturbing and moving (once I could calm down from its “thriller” effect), but surprisingly the part that spoke most to me was Nina (the dancer)’s relationship with her mother.
I am giving the film great creative license in this review, seeing it as an artistic and symbolic interpretation of what’s in us all rather than looking at the movie as a realistic story. From that perspective, there’s a play between perception and reality, which I believe is within us all, but is exaggerated in Nina’s story for dramatic effect. It’s difficult to determine how overbearing and overprotective her mother is, but to Nina, her mother refuses to let her grow up. She physically dresses her, tucks her in at night, and pretty much lives through her: she seems to express pride in Nina’s innocence. Though she’s an adult, Nina sleeps in a butterfly bedroom with stuffed animals.
In one scene towards the end, her mother has locked her in the room “to protect her” so she can “get well”, but this means Nina will miss her debut as the Swan Queen in Swan Lake. Though she’s been good and obedient for most of the movie, a force stirs within her and she tries to escape from the room. There’s a physical altercation with her mom, where her mom says something to the effect of Nina being her good girl and Nina replies “I’m not her anymore” and intentionally, not accidentally, hurts her mother’s hand in an effort to escape.
The last few years I’ve found a distance between me and my Mormon faith, first in belief and now in practice. The biggest struggle for me is wrapped up in a feeling of disappointing my parents and close friends and family. I don’t live near many of them, so I cloak my new ideas in idle chatter when I speak to them, hoping they don’t bring up anything church related.
The way Mormonism describes a parental relationship between God and humans is the way I view my relationship with my parents. If I am living the life they want, they are “well pleased” and bless me with attention, acceptance, etc. If I am not, they “love” unconditionally, but there’s always an undertone of not being good enough, partially ‘cast out’ from their presence. I realize that these feelings are more about my perception than reality, but since I spent a good bit of time out of the church as a young adult, I remember a difference in our relationship when I came back.
Additionally, I consider my parents to be very good people who mean well and part of me doesn’t want to see them in pain. Rejecting the church feels like it’s a rejection of them.
So the depiction in the movie struck me as a version of my own life. Substitute the butterfly room for activity in Mormonism and I think my parents would love to keep me there, even if it meant stifling my growth as I tried to move from a child of God to an adult of God. They would know I was safe from the darkness of the world and they would never have to consider parts of me they found unsavory. I get that sense with a lot of other Mormon parents. Naive innocence is confused with perfection.
But the only way out of that room for Nina, and to the life she wanted, caused pain to her mother.
I’m left with the thought that instead of worrying about how much pain my parents will experience as I leave this lovely room they created for me, I should focus on what I and the outside world will be missing by remaining locked in a space that no longer serves me. Maybe this pain I’ve been avoiding for so long is just a natural growing pain that’s necessary for both me and my parents to really grow up. When I think about it rationally, we are both wrong here. Their job is to give me the tools to live my own life, and my job is to actually live it. Instead, I am masking real love for them behind a pretend life I think they want me to have.
When did you finally feel like a grown up? Was it a conscious choice or a natural progression?
NEXT WEEK: Matt and Andy join forces to explore past, present and future in ‘Moon’ (2009). For our schedule, check in here.
‘White Cygnet’ — very poignant post!
Mormon parents will always blame themselves (with lots of help from church members, talks, and lessons), if their children leave the church they believe is essential for happiness in this life and salvation in the next. There is really no way to avoid this pain when you move on to live your own life. Eventually, they will take comfort in the notion that if they honor their commitments, the sealing bonds will bring you back.
Love your family, but accept the fact that they can’t change.
@Course Correction
It was whether or not the pain was unavoidable I was debating. Is it selfish for me to abandon generations of faith because I doubt? Can’t I just fake it til I make it? These have all run through my head. We’re told to always be kind, and to be willing to sacrifice ourselves for others. Not until recently did I think “this isn’t how I’d want my children to live, I want them to be who they are and not who they think I want them to be”. Even if my parents do want me to be something in particular, I owe it to them and to myself to be a grown up in my own life.
I haven’t seen the movie, but other than that I could almost have written this post. I have asked myself these same questions over and over. I have been a “pleaser” and an obedient daughter my whole life. I hate the thought of disappointing the people I love. But … if not disappointing them is the only reason I’m staying … well, that really isn’t enough, is it? And while I wish I could give my kids the wonderful things about Mormonism while shielding them from the bad, I don’t think it’s entirely possible in my situation, especially as my DH no longer believes or wants to participate. I feel the most healthy thing for our family is to move on and find a community that fits us better.
If only our loved ones could just be cool with that, right? But since I have no control over them, I guess I just have to get to a place where I am cool with myself no matter if others disapprove of me.
One thing I have definitely learned is that I want my kids to know I love and accept them no matter what. That their beliefs are their own choice and I will not be offended or feel rejected (or reject them) if they choose a path different from mine.
@Sunny D
I feel you! This has definitely made me a parent, but I realize that the things my kids choose to rebel about will likely bring me some pain too. Regardless, I want them to know they never need to earn or prove my love.
I was really interested to read in your post the elements of the film that you felt connected with your own experience. The smothering of the mother, and the room full of stuffed toys are frightening elements in ‘Black Swan’… Sometimes ‘sweetness’ and seemingly protective behaviour can be a cover for blinkering and (in extreme cases) emotional violence. It’s clear to see from the outside which is which: but from the inside, it can be a very difficult distinction to detect.
‘Love bombing’ is an interesting term that comes to mind.
Like you, I do genuinely feel that my parents are well-meaning and doing the best they know how. I hope your relationship (and mine) grows stronger as you substitute understanding for illusion!
Thank you, White Cygnet! To answer your question, I still don’t feel grown-up. But, similar to you, I experience the church as an extension of my parents and I have distanced myself from both. To what ever extent growing-up is becoming aware of ones self as an independent and willful being, this is only recently starting for me and it does seem to be connected to getting some distance. Bittersweet.
Excellent post. I loved this film and was similarly affected by the Nina/mother relationship.