Last weekend, an acquaintance shared the story of a life-changing car crash with me. Because my own eldest child recently turned 15, and thus eligible for a learner’s permit, I have been sensitive to car crash stories. I am mindful that we take each other’s lives in our hands daily when we venture out in a car. The thought of any inexperienced driver in charge of a 4,000 pound machine makes me very nervous, but especially my own flesh-and-blood inexperienced driver. While I intellectually understand that in order to become an experienced driver, she will need, well, experience, the practicalities of providing that experience are daunting.
The dangers of automobile travel are real- many of drive with too much speed and not enough care. We are paying attention to the kids in the back seat, the client on the cell phone, the satellite radio station, the funny smell coming from the back seat drink holder (just how long has that smoothie been there?).
A few years ago I googled an old friend, and my heart sunk when the intracies of the internet revealed to me that his teenaged daughter had been killed in a tragic accident- a passenger in a car driven by an inexperienced driver on the way to dinner on homecoming. No alcohol was involved…. it could have been any of us. It had happened several years ago, but I was haunted by the imagined images for weeks or months afterwards- police officers at your door, identifying one’s own child in a morgue, the chapel overflowing with high schoolers from miles around to mourn a popular, bubbly cheerleader.
I regularly have conversations with my kids about how no matter how safely WE drive, we aren’t in control of how safely OTHER people are driving. And even if and when all parties are driving safely, accidents happen. I was socializing with the neighborhood moms group recently when there were several confessions of drunk driving (in the past). Part of me was shocked, but another part of me realized that it was important to recognize this is the reality- intoxicated people are dangerous because they lack good judgement, which is also why they think they can drive safely. They are out there, and they aren’t the kind of people you might be imagining… they are our friends and neighbors.
What have been your car crash experiences? Fears- rational or not? Do you panic when you see your neighbor driving down the street with his seven year old in his lap steering, or are you that neighbor? Were you the child reminding your parents to ‘buckle up” or are you like my stepfather, who refused to wear a seat belt because it’s “bad luck?” Do you let your teenagers ride with other teens? Are you a contributor to ‘rubber necking’ on the freeway when there is an accident, or do you drive on by? Have you driven drunk and lived to tell the tale?
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This resonates – my oldest takes his driver’s test next week. I’m thrilled to take him out of my carpool rounds – it’s like a graduation of sorts for me as a mom, but I found myself wondering just yesterday if he’s experienced enough to make the judgments he needs to in order to be completely safe. In that innocent way, he doesn’t expect other people to cause him harm – intentionally or unintentionally – or think his life is in danger.
In the past few weeks my mind has wandered to things I rarely ever remember – my own two intense accidents as a teenager one of which I shouldn’t have walked away from, my HS friend who wasn’t wearing a seat belt for her accident and ended up permanently brain-damaged, and another HS friend’s sister who died late at night when she drove off the road.
I know that kids are supposed to learn from making mistakes, but the stakes of learning will go up as the kids get older. One small error in judgment can be irreversible. So yes, I think these fears are rational. I’m using that fear not to worry, but to try to help my son be as prepared as possible to hit the road on his own next week. That said, I think he’s sick of me cautioning him and explaining how big this driving thing is.
One of my niece’s friends was made (by his dad) to do all kinds of research into the greatest causes of car accidents, the ages of the drivers, etc. and to write up some kind of report before getting his license. Therefore, he knew all kinds of things about how listening to loud music, having passengers in the car, texting/talking/putting on make-up, etc. contributed to accidents. Our oldest has about 16 months before turning 16 and I’m thinking we might try something like this.
We also had some friends that required that their teenage driver have a cleaning driving record for a year (or maybe 6 months?) before she was allowed to have any non-family passengers in the car (read = no friends as passengers). This idea also intrigues me.
But yeah–you can’t constrain everything . . .