Dear Jack,
My husband and I both grew up in the Mormon Church. He is still a more literal believer while I am a friendly agnostic. We have a good relationship and we respect each other’s beliefs, although it took time and effort to get there. When our children were still very young, we decided that it would be good to let them attend church with my husband to gain a foundation and then decide for themselves when they got older. This has mostly worked out, but now they are getting older and asking a lot of questions. How do we each pass our beliefs on to our kids when in many cases our beliefs conflict? I don’t want to seem like I’m undermining his beliefs and vice versa, but I’m afraid that is the way is seems to our kids. Any advice?
Signed,
Kate
;
Dear Kate,
When the little Jacks were much smaller, my daughter came in from playing outside one day and announced that she could talk to animals. She explained that she had been commanding first a bird and then a cat that had wandered in to the backyard. This involved a complicated sign language — hand gestures and arm movements — known only to her and the animals, but she was absolutely convinced that when the cat leapt down from our fence it was because she had told it to. Then she said:
“Actually, I think I’m a prophet.”
“What do you mean, a prophet?”
“You know, like at church, I think God talks to me because I always know when something is going to happen before it happens.”
“Really? A prophet,” I asked.
“I knew you were going to say that,” she replied.
We thought this was hilarious. We started calling her The Prophet, as in “The Prophet is downstairs teasing The King of Pain.” (Our son’s name literally translates to The King of Pain. If only we had realized that burdening him with that name would doom him to become a stormy, sensitive soul.)
But one day it stopped being so funny. We were eating dinner and The Prophet was talking about her prophesying skills, when The King of Pain began suggesting other possible prophets we might know.
“I think Mom should be the prophet, she would make a great prophet,” he said.
My wife smiled and said, “I don’t think I’m the right kind of person to be a prophet, besides you can’t really choose whether you are a prophet, God chooses you.”
And before I’d thought it through, I said, “Your mom would make a good prophet, but she can’t because she’s a woman and the church doesn’t allow women to be prophets.”
“Women can’t be prophets?!” my son asked, “That’s outrageous!”
“But girls can do anything boys can do,” my daughter said.
My wife and I exchanged anxious glances and then attempted to explain.
“God has given men and women different roles …,” she began.
“I believe that women can do anything men can do, but the leaders of the church believe something different,” I stammered.
The kids looked at us skeptically as we floundered around for some explanation that could wrap our discordant beliefs into a tidy package, but we were uncomfortable and I changed the subject. The conversation didn’t go away. It kept popping up in odd places at inopportune moments, demanding to be had.
I know you are worried that you will confuse your children or perhaps you fear that discussing the issues will upset the hard-won peace you and your husband have found. Sadly, there is no choice in the matter, this problem won’t go away. Most of the big issues in life have to be discussed and then discussed again and again. I think you should handle your children’s questions like you would handle questions about any other sensitive topic. Let your children take the lead, listen and encourage them to consider what they think and feel. Just as a parent shouldn’t break out a complicated flowchart on female desire when a child innocently asks about how exactly the sperm gets to the egg, you should be careful not to saddle them with information they aren’t old enough to understand. Let the conversation grow naturally as their experience and knowledge deepens. Be clear and honest about what you and your spouse believe and remember that leaving the church does not mean that you have given up your right to give your children spiritual guidance (as a very wise friend has reminded me many times).
Life is full of paradox. In our attempts to make our explanations smooth and our children’s worlds orderly, I believe we can leave them ill-equipped to confront the differences they will find in others and the competing desires that every human being experiences. They will spend their lives encountering people with different social, political and religious views and we do them no favors when we try to shield them from this truth. When we deny reality we make them less certain, not more. Because the reality is that you and your husband do believe different things and your children probably already understand that on some level. And the reality is that, in the end, they must decide for themselves what they believe. But how wonderful for them to see that two people can hold strong, opposing beliefs and still love each other. And how wonderful for them to go out into the world owning who they are and what they believe.
Yours,
Jack
Have a question for Jack? Submit it HERE
“The conversation didn’t go away. It kept popping up in odd places at inopportune moments, demanding to be had.”
Yes! Thanks, Jack.
The last two lines are my favorite. If nothing else, letting them know that you don’t agree on all your beliefs will teach them to respect differing opinions and beliefs whenever they meet them in life. We need sooo much more of this in the church, and in the world.
“I believe X because of Y, but other good people like Mommy believe Z. Sometimes good, smart people disagree. You should ask Mommy about what she believes.” This attitude combined with lots of freedom for the children to experiment and change their minds back and forth has worked well so far. I learned this approach from the book Parenting Beyond Belief.