It’s a week long homage to Bossypants by Tina Fey this week, for the backstory, check out Heidi’s explanation.
Alongside her witty talk of feminism, work and spirituality, Fey coins a version of a “Mother’s Prayer for Its Child.” We all have these hopes and dreams for our children, wanting their lives to be just a bit better than ours. Fey’s child is a girl. She begins with the request that there will be no tattoos and that the daughter be beautiful but not damaged, followed by hopes for how the child handles everything from a crystal meth encounter to career choices to her own motherhood. You can read the hilarious full version here.
When I first heard it, I immediately thought that if anyone had both high hopes for her daughter having a better life and the religious skill set to come up with a fervent prayer, it would be a Mormon mother. And so, I offer the following prayer. What did I leave out?
The [Mormon] Mother’s Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father, and psst, even though we’re not supposed to mention Her, if it’s all right, could you please put a good word in with “my Mother there” (I need all the help I can get here)
Thank you for all of my many blessings.
Please bless her that she have no extravagant piercings. Bling is not for the belly, nor for the tongue, nor for the nostril, nor for the nipple. That the reputation destroying angel of unseemly internet photos may pass by her.
May she be modest but not matronly. Let her derriere be covered but not with the words “foxy” and let the only thongs she wear be shoes on her feet. May she abandon the Shade but not the bra. May she know soft and pink as merely fashion choices, not a state of being.
When Oxy is offered, please let her remember her mother who didn’t really want to breastfeed but did it anyway, and let her choose fully-leaded Coca Cola or ice tea instead.
Lead her, guide her, walk beside her, help her find the way. Remind her that the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight, at 10pm if she needs to study, and insists that a Book of Mormon is always the standard of distance between she and a dance partner.
Lead her away from Happy Valley, but not all the way to the City by the Bay. Let her find somewhere to live where commutes are short and housing is affordable, where the weather is always sunny but all four seasons are represented. City of Enoch maybe?
May she pray with her own fervor and faith that she might never feel the need for a worthy priesthood holder to give her access to Thee.
Grant her a rough patch until she’s at least almost through college, so she can leave with both her MRS and a real degree (and is it too much to hope for, but if Thou could throw in a career path as well here?) that she might never have to introduce her family in sacrament meeting by saying “we” when she really means “he.”
Oh Lord, break the internet forever that she may not feel the need to compete with every “I’m a Mormon” ad and Mommy Bloggers where women are able to somehow manage a thriving career yet be an always-happy-ever-smiling-and-grateful Stay at Home Mother of six children under 5 with a husband in school who still makes homemade bread from her year’s supply of food storage and sews bonnets for the 24th of July parade each year.
And when she tells me I’m “just a mom,” outside the Stake Youth Dance, let me strap her in the Volvo wagon and put her in time out like I did when she was a toddler.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, dear Lord, be my eyes, that I might see her strapped in a mini van of her own for hours on end with trash from last night’s drive thru on the floor and crayon drawings on the windows, all at once exhausted, almost out of gas and crazy in love with her fighting, messy, yet incredible children. “My mother once did this for me” she’ll think as she drives kids to dance lessons without taking a step and to baseball without tossing a ball. And she’ll feel a twinge of Mormon guilt at how lame she thought my made-up car songs were and how irresponsible she believed me to be for forgetting to pick people up on
time or even at all, and then she’ll offer a prayer of forgiveness along with a solution that her children might have it better than she.
And then, Heavenly Father, please let them travel home in safety,
In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.
Brilliant! My favorite parts:
And this:
(Mel).
I loved/hated this:
“Grant her a rough patch until she’s at least almost through college, so she can leave with both her MRS and a real degree (and is it too much to hope for, but if Thou could throw in a career path as well here?) that she might never have to introduce her family in sacrament meeting by saying “we” when she really means “he.””
I recently heard a sacrament meeting talk where this happened. The mom introduced her family and by the time she was done, I leaned over to Brent and said, “How sad. The only thing we know about her is her name and where she’s originally from.” But we knew things about each of her kids, we knew where her husband had gone to school, we knew what he majored in, and what company he had been with for the last 10 or so years and the places they had lived as a result of his career.
But I wanted to know something about HER. :(
One more thing to add:
“Lord, bless her to find friends like Mel and Claire and Erin and Laurie and Heidi and Paula (and Andy and Matt and Ed!). You don’t have to inspire them to write a blog together (tho’ it’s okay if you do), but just help them find like-minded souls who are as smart and witty and kind and accepting as these guys are.”
Amen.
(Laurie turns up the corners of her mouth…)
I see so many women forget who they are, which is not a bad thing when you are putting yourself into something you choose to do. Some of them spend so much time trying to find themselves after the made good choices? I like to think I’ve known right where I have been the whole time and am hoping that I can teach this to my girls. Choosing what they want (degree or no degree, family or bigger family – just kidding) but then learning to love the choices they make and not always sitting around wishing they had made a diffferent one.
I’m surprised, Mel! I guess I expected big CEO dreams for any daughter of yours…
And don’t worry about the City by the Bay. It’s not all that. If she lands here, we’ll take good care of her and you can stay at our place to visit.
I tried to write this as the collective Mormon mothers’ prayer for our collective daughters – although the last paragraph hits pretty close to home ;)
For my own daughters, I would want to do a specific one for each – maybe a matriarchal blessing of sorts !?!?!
May she communicate as well in person as she does by text, Lord, and may her thumbs not be permanently disfigured by texting.
Bless that she may have requited love as well as unrequited love, but not TOO requited -at least until she is out of high school.
ha! perfect!
Awesome-ness
This is perfect.
I love this, Mel!
Mel, this is awesome! I loved that part of the book, it was so hilarious and heartfelt at the same time. And you have obviously achieved that here as well.
Brilliant!
Very funny…though I think my prayer would read a bit differently.
Fran, we want to see your prayer!! Want to share it with us?
You mean I should actually sit down and produce something tangible instead of just being puffed up in pride about my own awesome prayer that’s only existing in my head? :)
Honestly, I don’t think I’d be witty like this…I was just thinking that there are certain things I probably wouldn’t pray for. So, some parts of my prayer would probably look like this:
Please bless her that she may have no desire to hide her nakedness under colorful, strange tattoos. But if she so chooses that all tattooed words will be spelled correctly.
Ok, I’m wayyy to tired to really attempt cleverness here…I was just thinking that I wouldn’t care if my daughter had a nose ring or nipple ring or whatever, or if she wore pants saying “foxy” on the bum, or where she lived. I’d just hope that she’d be confident and strong, knowing that she is capable of choosing, and being, whatever she wants to. I’d just want her decisions to always be hers…if she wants to look mainstream I’d hope it’d be simply because it’s what she likes and not a result of trying to blend in with the crowd. If she had piercings, I wouldn’t care as long as I felt it was something she genuinely wanted and enjoyed and not a choice based on wanting to react or shock. Ya know…that kind of stuff. But, I realize this is a spin-off of Tina’s prayer (which was hilarious), and so I’m probably over-thinking this. :)
Spelling the tattoos correctly – LOVE it Fran.
I wrote the prayer as a collective Mormon Mothers’ Prayer based on Mormon culture and keeping the faith (hence the cheesy Mormon images) but in a “one generation” step ahead of progress – the sort of thing I see all the time when Mormon mothers talk about their daughters. I agree completely with your sentiments about being more concerned that our daughters make their own choices than what those choices actually are, but am wondering if I just living in a box since I don’t find that to be a typical LDS view. Do you?
Mel, I should have paid more attention (but I was really just frozen in front of the computer half-asleep when I typed my comments) since you mentioned that this was supposed to be a collective prayer (and not your very own). I think you did a great job. And, I don’t think you live in a box. I also don’t think that it’s the common trend to want our children be independent thinkers/decision makers. The Church trend still seems to be very much in favor of “following the leaders”.
And if I really would have been with it, I’d pray that my daughter would not only spell her tattoos correctly if she gets them, but she’d consider sharing the gospel by tattooing a scripture onto herself. Yeah! That’d be so sweet.
Ha ha! I love this, Fran. I would also like my kids to make decisions based on their own conscience, rather than one that was handed to them by me or by the school or by a church.