I love memoirs. And I love Tina Fey. So I was just salivating as my friends and co-bloggers raved about Bossypants when it came out. Finally, on Mother’s Day, I stuffed myself silly on waffles, settled back in my bed, and cranked up my audiobook.
Because I am a lactation consultant, I was almost worried when we got to the baby chapter. I’d heard that there was a ‘funny section about breastfeeding’ and I always cross my fingers for a positive experience for anyone I care about, even if it is a celebrity I’ll never actually meet. But I should have had more confidence – by the end of the chapter, I realized Tina Fey had me laughing through her biting humor as she clearly revealed the weapon we make breastfeeding in our interactions with other women.
First, I have to give props to her description of infant formula as the ‘complete and reliable source of stress and shame for mothers.’ It’s amazing to me how much guilt women have about FEEDING THEIR BABIES. When it comes up in conversation that I’m a lactation consultant, I often see a tinge of panic in a woman’s eyes as she (perhaps subconsciously) plans how she will defend using formula (once or always) when their children were babies. She also does a masterful job of shining a light on marketing practices that muddle the picture for new parents. In baby magazines, articles about how “Breast is Best” are surrounded by heartwarming full color ads of happy chubby babies but in small type letting us know formula “probably doesn’t cause blindness” and “is the best thing to feed your baby (except for the stuff that comes out of you for free).”
Without the reader really noticing, she also outlines many of the obstacles American women who want to breastfeed can encounter- poor medical advice, hospital nurses giving formula without asking (“I tried to be outraged, but I was pretty tired”), and reliance on a breast pump “because it’s an expensive appliance and we’re more comfortable with them than we are with babies.” (Ouch! It’s funny ’cause it’s true.)
Tina Fey is so funny while she’s telling the story, you don’t catch on right away how much of herself she is entrusting to us. She bares her soul about the guilt she felt about not succeeding with breastfeeding, all the while wrapping it up with a big snarky bow. When a dad at a cocktail party brags about how his breastfed baby is going to be a genius, she can’t fight off the urge to challenge him to a duel (in the form of an IQ test “five years from today! My baby will crush your baby!”).
This is the lead-in to her biting commentary on the Teat Nazis. As a breastfeeding advocate, I have to say I’ve been lumped in with ‘militant breastfeeders’ before, and it stings a bit, because I’ve volunteered hundreds and hundreds of hours over the years helping crying moms on the phone and at meetings who were seeking out breastfeeding help. You heard me- they were asking me- I’m not tracking them down. But as she mimicked the things she’s heard the Teat Nazis say (exaggerated a bit, but probably not that much), I could imagine a younger version of myself saying, or at least thinking, something similar. These words were the ‘hand-carved daggers’ which reveal the Teat Nazis for their true selves.
I’d like to think that maturity and experience have tempered my zeal. Well, not my zeal, per se, as it does take a certain passion to make something like breastfeeding one’s vocation. But I’ve seen the lengths that women go to in order to breastfeed their babies (even, like Tina Fey, hooking themselves up to a “Williams-Sonoma Tit-Juicer for thirty out of every ninety minutes” for weeks) and I know it’s not my place to judge. Only she knows what her resources are and what is the right time to “say yes” to formula, even though when you open the can it “smells like someone soaked old vitamins in a bucket of old leaves and left them to dry in a hot car”).
Like Tina says, “millions of women around the world have nursed their children beautifully for years without giving anybody a hard time about it.” The divisiveness and competition can be channeled elsewhere. Those of us who have been,as Fey puts it, deprived of “outside modes of achievement,” should put away our daggers and stop making our sisters into targets as a way of making us feel better about ourselves and “prove how incredible and impressive” we are.
;
Read the back story of our You’ve Gotta Have Feyth week here.
I laughed so hard at this part, even though I have zero experience with Teat Nazis.
Unfortunately, I wielded my own hand-carved dagger against myself. I didn’t need a teat nazi to make me feel bad about hating breastfeeding . . .
Really, none?
Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone give me grief about breastfeeding (or not breastfeeding). Of course, I nursed my first for 5 months and my other two for a year each (and was oh-so-glad to hit that year mark communicated by the AMA so I could be guilt-free about weaning them!!). So maybe people didn’t feel like they had any room to get in my business about it. ??
OR, maybe they had so many other things to judge me about, breastfeeding was the least of their worries!! ;)
ETA: I only hated it with one of my three kids. But with all three, it was EXCRUCIATINGLY, UNnaturally painful for probably three weeks. I mean, every single time the baby latched on (20 times a day? it seemed), it was grab-the-arm-rest-dig-your-toes-into-the-carpet-grit-your-teeth-while-hot-tears-dripped-down-my-face painful.
Kudos to you for sticking with it, Heather.
Not sure I deserve kudos. It is what it is.
I was so grateful to my daughter’s pediatrician at the time. She did encourage me to breastfeed (once I had told her that was my intent). She did try to help me when I told her I was really struggling.
But at that check-up at approx. 5 months when she asked about it and I told her it was making me miserable, she listened and asked some questions. And then she somewhat casually said, “Well, it’s not worth it if it’s making you miserable. Life’s too short for that.” She told me to pat myself on the back for having done it for five minutes and move on with life. And those were JUST the words I needed to hear. I pretty much went home that day and started the weaning process.
Ooh, so well said. The same could be said of natural birth, epidurals, co-sleeping, slings and a host of other things. I loved breastfeeding and did it for a long time with all three of my children, but I’ve seen that same sense of panic in women’s eyes when the topic comes up and I’ve always hated that because there are a million things I don’t do (you should see the state of my garden) and everyone has a different situation. Parenting is so hard, every woman I know is honestly doing the best she can most of the time. And that’s a lot.
Heidi, I was thinking the same today as I considered Heather’s guilty over not enjoying breastfeeding. I don’t like being pregnant, and I feel guilty every time someone says the just loooooooooove being pregnant. I used to not have a television, now I feel guilty every time I turn mine on for my 5 year old.
I like how Fey uses a breath-y fake voice when she speaks as the Teat Nazi, demonstrating how heavy people make breastfeeding. I have come to believe that until we shelve the whole “breast is best” philosophy, we won’t get anywhere as a culture that accepts breastfeeding. There are no benefits to breastfeeding- it’s just NORMAL. When we wax on in that strange combo of Relief Society voice and Mother Nature voice that breastfeeding is a beautiful special bonding experience, we are imprisoning women in a pretty nursery with a white eyelet nightgown as our orange jumpsuit. We make it unattainable, or something that we are willing to step on on other women to achieve.
Breastfeeding is a normal part of life. Yes, sometimes we have beautiful bonding moments but most of the time we just need to feed our kid.
I have come to believe that until we shelve the whole “breast is best” philosophy, we won’t get anywhere as a culture that accepts breastfeeding. There are no benefits to breastfeeding- it’s just NORMAL.
I think this is an excellent point, Claire. As long as the “breast is best” is the true and accepted gospel, then the whole topic is going to be a source of a ton of guilt for a ton of women.
Great post Claire. This is such a tricky subject to talk about. No one wants to be seen as pushing their ideals on others, but at the same time, many women want to be able to offer support to those who are struggling and want advice. I think the balance is waiting to be asked for that advice. Why is it so hard to trust that other mothers care about their children as much as I do? It seems silly to think otherwise. And I know I’ve been at the end of judgment on the opposite side. I breastfed all my children successfully (currently am), but that doesn’t mean it was always easy, and with my son, I’ve been criticized for NOT supplementing since he is very small for his age (he’s very skinny and long). It’s not like I don’t worry about him and haven’t tried everything to help him! And he’s very healthy and on schedule otherwise. So I’ve come to understand that no one can truly know what’s going on behind the scenes and it’s helped me to contain the urge to make judgments.
I do wish there was more info readily available on natural supplement options for those who struggle though. And I don’t consider the lack of that to be the parent’s fault at all – I blame unethical practices of formula manufacturers. I know that convenience comes into play as well, but shouldn’t mothers be aware that it isn’t always a choice between the two?
It’s really hard to be one of the teat nazis (though, we should get rid of that terminology). I take calls and run a breastfeeding support group- and there’s a hard balance. Some people come and just want to hear “It’s ok. You tried very hard and what you’ve given your baby is so precious and valuable,” because it is hard and they want that validation and sometimes per. But then others come and need the support so badly- in the past week, I’ve worked with 2 mothers who have come to me saying, “No one understands how much I really want to work at this: my pediatrician, my husband, my friends, are all saying I’ve done enough and to just let it go, but I really really really want this!” I don’t want to push too hard because then the scenario 1 women turn around and complain about me being a breastfeeding nazi, but I definitely don’t want to not give 100% WE-WILL-GET-OVER-EVERY-HURDLE support for the scenario 2 women.
In the end, I try to limit my angst against formula companies and nefarious marketing and the attitudes against nursing in public and nursing toddlers- not any women themselves.
But yeah. I’m one of those teat nazis.
Oops… Didn’t finish that sentence. Should say, “they want that validation and sometimes permission to find alternatives to nursing.”
Yeah, I struggled a bit with the Teat Nazi terminology…. but I know a lot of people think it is fitting and it’s what she used so I went with it.
I wasn’t pointing that at you, I promise. I am just wishing out loud that Fey didn’t use it.
Tophat, thanks for your comment. I have heard the same from women I’m helping- that their desire to breastfeed is trivialized. I think the idealization of breastfeeding plays a part in this- yes, it’s ideal that your children never watch tv, eat all organic nutritional food, never breathe polluted air, etc. as well, and we all know THOSE things just aren’t possible. Making something ideal makes it seem unattainable. Breastfeeding isn’t IDEAL for human babies, it’s what is biologically normal.
Claire – I am so impressed with the hours you’ve given. What wonderful service. I agree that this issue needs less shame, guilt, etc. I love that Fey brings some humor & kudos to you for continuing the discussion!
Aww Shucks, Erin, thanks. It’s not exactly a thankless task- many mothers are extremely grateful, and it’s rewarding to see things turn around for some who were in a really bad place. It’s not always easy or simple, but like Tina Fey says, “either way, everything will be fine.”
Of course I do actually get paid now, at least part of the time, so there’s that. I haven’t actually made a profit yet with all the equipment, conferences, etc, but one of these years….
Your work is definitely appreciated, Claire (especially as a “crying mom” you’ve helped). Still pumping after almost 11 months, but I do supplement with formula. I felt guilt initially, but feel good that he’s had mostly good stuff for so many months now. I think Tina’s account is a really accurate account of what a lot of moms experience.
Great post Claire. Her book is going to be my reading material for our upcoming trip (if I don’t start the audiobook version first). I wholeheartedly agree that the shift needs to be made to see breastfeeding as normal, not special or magical or ideal. Just normal. Thanks for all you’ve done for me and lots of other moms.
I SO relate to the term “teat Nazi”. Both sides of the breastfeeding coin disregard the other as valid so often that its hard to be stuck in the middle. I’ve been the crying first-time mom trying so hard to make-it-work-at-all costs, and I’ve had La Leche League Loonies (no offense, certainly NOT Claire and Corktree here) tell me that I have to be doing something wrong. I’ve been saved by the unregistered, non-scientific mom of 10 kids who found just the right way to overcome my nursing woes. I’ve had the nurse in the hospital with my third reprimand me for telling her to give my baby formula at night so I could sleep, knowing I wanted her tiny tummy full because my milk takes extra long to come in. I’ve loved skin on skin and being able to feed my babies, and I’ve hated the physical awkwardness of nursing in public where there isn’t space, or having a crying baby in the car who couldn’t just be thrown a bottle. I’ve loved the independence of having my husband supplement with formula at night, or when I want to go out and get some space from my kids, and I’ve loved coming home and the relief of nursing off 5 hours of milk. I’ve been relieved with my oldest when my milk dried up (but just recently admitted that to myself), and I’ve shed a tear when my youngest pushed away the breast of her own accord, favoring her Daddy and realizing that I would never nurse again.
Mostly, I’ve learned not to judge. I adore Fey’s comment about dueling IQ test babies and how her bottle fed daughter would crush the other baby. It’s true. We lament what is best, what we want, what we are willing to sacrifice. In the end, we should support each other as mothers and settle into some faith that somehow, despite our parenting blind spots and inadequacies, our kids will turn out brilliantly.
Regarding women feeling guilty about having difficulty with breastfeeding, my sister Lynnette has looked at our traffic at ZD, and one of the most common ways people find us from search engines is when they search “I hate breastfeeding” and come to Vada’s 2007 post. Clearly there’s a lot of frustration about the issue.
Just had a new pt yesterday coming in for postpartum depression. So much of what is tangled up in that is ‘failing’ at nursing. She is able to pump, and has been feeding baby for 5 months exclusively on bottled breast milk. She would quit tomorrow but her husband wants her to do it for at least a year. Are you kidding me? Your wife is about to check herself into the psych unit and you will take her there as long as she takes her pump with her? You’d rather have a depressed mother caring for your baby than a non-depressed mother?
We’ll be doing some marital therapy next week.
Very sad. Was the husband there at the consult? I could obviously never be in that line of work.
No. But I asked her to bring him, and her mother to the next appt. Getting the family to back her up/approve of her quitting nursing is going to be a key part in helping lift her depression. Her husband is the Teat Nazi! I kept thinking about this post last night when I was visiting with her.
For me, both my kids were easy nursers. I was lucky. I could have been an excellent wet nurse if our culture were ok with that.
Great post. I was a teat nazi. I am now just nazi about those things that I am unaware that I am a nazi about. I keep uncovering new ones so I am sure there are more. I will have to get Bossypants someday and listen to it.
I was worse than a nazi, I nursed openly anywhere and everywhere with the intent of “waking the world up to what boobs were REALLY for and it wasn’t that they were for MEN to enjoy, they had already had their own chance with their own mama” Yeah, I was a nazi alright. Everyone who did not do it MY way was WRONG WRONG WRONG. Sorry all you fine ladies with brains and feelings of your own. I just ‘KNEW’ what was BEST for you. So sad to look back at that now. I was kind and generous to the world AFTER my 11th child was 4 months old and I began covering up when in public and using the nursing lounge at church. So generous to not inflict the sight of a woman breastfeeding on those quiet, modest, church ladies and the nice men on the stand. I always have sat on the front row! LOL
I agree that it is used as a way to prove ones right-ness to the world. I also agree that home birth, home school, natural food eating, home preparing of food etc are used the same way. I would know. I used all of those as well. Such nastiness attempting to be disguised as righteousness and helping our neighbor do what is BEST!
May all mothers make it through each day and feel like they can get up the next day and have a reason. Back to basics around here. Thanks for the post, Claire
Gail, I don’t necessarily think that nursing in public in order to normalize breastfeeding is all bad. I do think it helps. I suppose it’s about motivation, though.
You all might have seen on the news about a suburb of Atlanta that just outlawed nursing in public if a child is over the age of 2. There is a big ‘nurse in’ planned and there is chatter on some back lists about whether it helps or hurts the cause to have ‘militant breastfeeders’ nursing 5-year-olds on camera. Those that suggest caution and discretion are sometimes considered sell-outs. It’s a tough issue. I’m interested to see how it turns out.
I guess I just got tired of being the ONLY one who was OUT THERE! Hopefully I impacted someone to feel free to be a nursing mother openly. AND I hated nursing so I am glad that I never have to do that again. I also enjoy the use of my breasts for other purposes that they were denied while I was nursing because they were SOOOOOO sensitive.
It’s discouraging that we have to go through this type of conversation in any regard (albeit a hilarious one seen through Fey’s perspective). I know it’s Kumbaya thinking, but why should it matter to someone else? And why do we think we have a right to say anything about it to someone else? If you enjoy breastfeeding and your body is up for the job, awesome! If you don’t and it’s not, cool! We live in the 20th century and have healthy alternatives. Women are such haters, no matter what we do it’s not the right move. I won’t lie and say I’ve never caught myself in the same “natural birth is superior” mind trap, and I am working on the judgmental aspects of that thinking. I tell myself it’s because I want women to take hold of the power of childbirth! Don’t buy in to the lies! But, in reality, I have an agenda that makes me feel superior. It is just like breastfeeding – some women’s bodies (and babies) can do childbirth without issue, others cannot. And we have that same cool technology to help a new mom where and when it’s needed. I’m working so hard on my own “Either way, everything will be fine” approach to my life and self-image; it becomes a true battle when we’re surrounded by the opposite everywhere we look.
Update on the nurse-in for anyone who is interested- I was there this morning for an hour, and it was a lovely, peaceful gathering. The city of Forest Park was very accommodating and hospitable. A few employees and elected officials came out and stated support. People honked as they drove by. There were lots of nursing toddlers, lots of supportive dads (yay!), and lots of clever signs. A great example of how advocacy can bring about change. Still getting the pulse on the reaction to news coverage.
I haven’t read through all the comments, but this is what I had to say on FB (yay for me for commenting on the actual blog post, it’s a big step for me, so be NICE) haha. I was asked if I’ve actually been accused of “oppressing women’s rights” by my advocacy and support of breastfeeding, natural birth, leaving babies intact, etc. The answer? Yes.
Ok- so here is a good example http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/opinion/the-tyranny-of-mothers-milk/article2030188/ “Joan Wolf, a writer on feminist subjects, argues that the cult of breastfeeding isn’t simply bad science. It’s profoundly oppressive to women.” In other words, [warning: sarcasm approaching] because breastfeeding has such beneficial properties to the health and emotional well-being to both mother AND child, advocating for it MUST BE the same as telling all women who choose not to (or are unable to) bf for whatever reason that they simply don’t have what it takes to sacrifice, give time, or devote energy to keeping their children healthy and emotionally balanced…that somehow they are a bad parent for depriving their child of nature’s immunity and cure. Ummm…I was unable to bf my 1st son, for whatever reason, it was not working for us. He was completely formula fed from six weeks on. I had (self-imposed) guilt because it’s not what *I* wanted, that’s NOT how *I* wanted to feed my child. Years later I also realize the lack of support led to my cessation of bf, had I been surrounded by the network I now am part of, I highly doubt our experience would be the same. It has since become a huge passion of mine, one that has continued through all of the bf issues we have experienced with this new baby. How do we educate and support women (for those who either don’t know or who are desperately searching for answers) without imposing guilt or “oppressing” women’s rights to parent/care for/nurture their child the way they choose to do so?? [Damned if you do, damned if you don’t]
Well said, I couldn’t agree more. I just read that section in Bossypants and was overjoyed — and then looked up responses because I knew it would be a sensitive issue. I have many friends who advocate breastfeeding and give women a hard time if they are unable or unwilling to breastfeed. I really appreciate everything you’ve said here, and I loved this section in Tina Fey’s book.
Good day! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!
First, let’s kill off a genuine fabrication: You can not use a reverse cellular phone number lookup for totally free anywhere, anytime.