If you checked in last week, you may recall that my husband had just offered me the deal of the century: one month, completely kid-free, so that I could focus all my attention and energy on writing my dissertation proposal.
Of course I took him up on his offer, at which point he began planning what he called his month of “Urban Camping.” He ended up deciding to spend the month in Huntsville, Texas-my hometown — and also where my parents and my sister’s family live. Once they arrived, Brent piled the kids into the car and scoped out apartment complexes. He talked to several apartment managers until he found one willing to rent an apartment to a middle-aged guy with three kids for one month–just one month. 
Then he took the kids to Rent-a-Center and let them pick out whatever furniture they wanted and they rented it by the week. They chose a tacky faux suede sectional couch with an enormous matching chaise lounge. The girls decided the couch and chair were so great they wouldn’t even need to rent beds. Then they selected a tacky dinette set, a big TV (by our standards), a shiny black entertainment center and a queen-sized mattress (Ew! Yes, we rented a mattress). In short, they picked out things we would never buy and were positively gleeful when the furniture got delivered to their dingy, student apartment that, unfortunately, got really hot in the afternoon.
They spent the month doing I-don’t-know-what. They saw my parents and my sister’s kids fairly frequently, but not as much as I thought they would. They used their apartment lease to get a library card (they were Huntsville residents, after all). They saw a lot of movies. 
They spent a lot of time at the university student union, where they played videogames, skeeball, ping pong, and pool. They ate at Golden Corral-a lot. They washed their laundry at the apartment laundromat.
And I wrote my dissertation proposal. I kept strange hours-writing until late in the night if I was in the groove and then sleeping in until ten. I went to a restaurant for lunch or dinner every day because I was desperate to interact with other human beings! I sometimes called Brent to complain that I was lonely and whine that I just couldn’t work one more minute. It was hard to stare at my computer screen all day long and into the night. He must’ve smiled as he listened to me, but he never said “I told you so,” because he’s nice like that.
He sometimes called me, totally aggravated by how stinking hard it was to just go get a Diet Coke from the gas station if he wanted one. He recounted to me how one kid couldn’t find her shoes and the other kid lost one of his shoes and then two of the kids started fighting and then he got to the gas station and realized he’d left his wallet at the apartment and then someone started crying and . . . all this by 9:00 a.m. And all he wanted was a Diet Coke, dammit. I smiled as I listened to him, and I probably did tell him so because I’m petty like that.
The girls missed me-sort of-but it was hard for Stuart, who was only 2 at the time and was used to having me around. He cried a lot and refused to touch water (and this was Texas in the summer, so swimming was a must). 
He went on a tear with some scissors and cut a bed sheet, his own hair, and two of Brent’s brand new shirts. I talked to them on the phone, but he was too little to really talk and behaved strangely when I showed up to visit one weekend. That made me feel bad, but it’s not like I had abandoned him to the stork for a month. He was with his dad, right?
When the month was up, they said good-bye to the rented furniture, moved out of the apartment and came back home to the real world. I didn’t finish my proposal, but that hadn’t been the goal. The goal was to work on it and work I did. But, more important than my dissertation proposal (which did eventually get completed), we each got to sneak a peek into the other’s world. I got to see what it was like to be holed up in an office-nothing standing between me and a deadline except for, well, me. He got to see what it was like to be holed up with the kids-nothing standing between him and bedtime except, well, 16 hours of kid time.
Neither of us was happy with the division of labor during the Urban Camping month. I didn’t like going all day without talking to anyone. Much to my surprise, I didn’t like working all day and night long! I didn’t like not seeing the kids or Brent all day, every day. I missed reading to them at night and snuggling with Stuart. Brent didn’t like spending all day every day with them. He didn’t like not having any time for himself.
So even though we’ve never gotten back to that original 50/50 arrangement, we keep working on finding a balance that works for both of us. We go through periods (usually according to university semesters) where one of us works more and the other picks up the slack with the kids. For example, I worked this summer; he took care of the kids. He’s working more this semester and I have more family responsibilities. If we were to average it out over 14 years, I’d put the division of labor at 70% me, 30% him. (Brent thinks it’s about 65% me, 35% him.) We often joke that we would both like to switch places–I’d like to be able to work more and he’d like to be able to be home more. But, neither of us wants to stick to any arrangement for too long. We get antsy and like to shake things up, I guess.
This role-shifting seems to work well for us, but it’s only possible-I think-because we’re both in academia. Has anyone else had any luck with this? Has anyone else given urban camping a try?
I am now officially completely in love with your family — and this post, so funny and wise.
To answer your question, I think Jared and I have also had lots of different role configurations. When I was working nights (night cops reporter), I would come home to a dinner Jared would cook and I would nurse the baby while he listened to the police scanner for me. Then he would put her to bed. Similar arrangements were made when I was freelancing. In recent years, I’ve done the bulk of the kid and house stuff, so he makes sure I get a lot of time to myself on the weekends. It is not unusual for him to stay home with them all day Saturday while I run errands or just hide in a cafe with a book. I’ve also had a few trips with family members and no kids. We are anticipating a time when I will work full-time and he is planning (hoping?) to go back to school and then I think the roles will shift again.
I think sometimes people feel scared of not having roles and family arrangements set in stone, as though it will make things unstable. But, the flexibility you described sounds so wise to me. The kids get to see you and Brent working as a team, supporting one another and making them your top priority. They get to see that life is full of ups and downs and that you can make family life work in lots of different ways.
This is fantastic. What a great family experience. This is one of those stories that will be remembered forever in the annals of your family history. We have a similar one: when my mom and dad moved to Massachusetts with the 4 of us, we bought a house but had to wait a month before moving in. It was October, and they got a great deal on a monthly off-season rental of a cottage on the lake. It was unheated. Every morning my mom woke us up to hot chocolate before my dad drove 2 of us off to school a 30 minute picturesque drive away. My mom stayed home with the babies. Every afternoon we came home and my dad took us out fishing for our dinner. I remember this as the most idyllic experience of my life. My mom remembers it as the most cold and horrific. Anyway, it’s brought up at almost every family reunion we ever have.
Nothing like family camping–urban or otherwise!
Wow, that was fun … to read. Sounds like it was quite a trial for you though. Congrats getting through!
I’ve never been urban camping. Never heard of it before. In my book, you’re the first. :D
Loved hearing the rest of the story.
The closest we’ve come to urban camping was when we renovated our house 4 years ago and had to move out for 4 months. The three kids and I spent the first 6-8 weeks house-sitting for a friend or with my parents, while my husband showered at work, slept in the garage, or came to see us (he was working full time and acting as contractor on the renovation, which was taking off the roof and adding another story). When school started we rented an unfurnished apartment and lived pretty simply for two more months… folding table and chairs, mattresses on the floor, rubbermaid dresser drawers, and bean bag chairs. It was actually pretty fun. The thing I hated the most was that it was carpeted and I hate carpet- hadn’t had any in the ten years we’d owned our own houses rather than rented. It was nice to not have a lot of stuff to take care of, clean and put away. I actually sort of enjoy improvising. So much of our stuff was packed up that I had to make do. I bought a paring knife at Kroger for 1.29 that actually became one of my favorite kitchen utensils!
Cool, Claire! We may be doing that before too long . . . Brent wants to seriously renovate our house or build a new one. Me, I’m okay where we are. ;)
So, just wondering… did you consider you moving out for a month, rather than them?
@Claire, I’m sure it came up, but honestly I don’t remember. One concern with me moving out was the piles (literally) of books and papers that I needed, the computer files (which yes, I could’ve put on an external drive), and access to the library which I still needed at that point. Brent did not feel exiled, however. He was happy for an excuse to enact this strange plan.
Oh, I could tell it was an adventure- didn’t mean to imply he was exiled! i am a boring practical person at heart, so I was wondering about what specifics led to your decision. I can see that actually being away enforced the “work work work” plan better than you just hanging around in someone’s spare room or a motel 6 for a month.
Oh- and I just noticed the picture is of Stuart’s butchered hair!!! LOL
Yes, he was quite sad when he saw the outcome in the mirror. And I was quite sad that my little boy had to get the southern crew cut look. It’s not my favorite.
Hey there! Thanks for using my Rent-a-Center photo! I’m flattered! If you don’t mind, though, could you link to it using this bit of html instead?
Doing this displays photo credit, which is required under my Creative Commons licensing.
Thanks again!
benjamin