[This is me sighing.] I’ve written a few times here about modesty. Some might think I sound like a broken record. There is some truth to that claim. However, in self-defense, I have two daughters (ages 15.5 and 12) and I am Mormon, which means modesty gets a lot of play at our house. And “modesty” in Mormon culture continues to become increasingly narrow.
Sometimes the things I hear/read genuinely freak me out. Like this comment that was posted here in response to my post about how the church covered up the scandalously exposed shoulders of the subjects in Carl Bloch’s painting:
One week when I was an EFY counselor I had this group of girls that was a little more wild (aka: not molly-mo) but they had all come to EFY to try and feel the spirit and grow. They had been having a great week. They knew the EFY dress code and strove to follow it, and had occasionally been asked to change. (I thought they looked fine, but apparently I was not being strict enough). So it comes to the last dance, we’ve all had this spiritual week, we’re happy and having fun. Well, another counselor came to get me and I went over to find two of my girls kneeling on the ground in the middle of the dance while the BC (the counselor over counselors) checked their dresses. To this day I regret not making a firm and decided stand against that BC and telling her that her actions were completely inappropriate.
I took those two girls back to the dorms where they sat and sobbed for a good 30 minutes. They were humiliated, devastated and heartbroken. All the good from the week was basically wiped out in that 30 seconds. I hadn’t thought there was anything wrong with their dresses and I was heartbroken because I blamed myself for not making them change before the dance. I sat with them and told them how beautiful they were and that God loved them no matter what they wore. I don’t know if anything I said got through.
This experience really affected me. It made me really question how important the letter of the law is when it destroys the spirit of the law. I don’t want anyone to ever feel that they are of less worth because of what they wear. In the grand scheme of things that hardly seems important.
Urg. My leggy 5’8″ 15 year old is going to EFY with her cousins in San Antonio in July, so this comment gives me some serious pause. (I hope the above commenter’s experience took place in a galaxy far, far away, and at least one–preferably two–generations ago.)
Or take this snippet I just saw passed around on Facebook where in a 10-year-old girl explains that she took a stand and refused to dress her Barbie doll in her friend’s borrowed bikini because bikinis are immodest.
Okay, so ten year olds are cute, but this example is extreme. [Of course, I was one of those moms who allowed her son and daughter to play with Bratz dolls, so I’m not to be trusted.] As I read the story, I wanted it to end something like this, “I thought for one second about not using the bikini, but then I decided that was silly, so I put on the bikini and got back to our game.” But it didn’t.
And I saved the best for last-a new trend going around on Pinterest (which I am not the least bit pinterested in) where people post photos of their kids’ Barbie dolls once they have painted underwear and bras on them with sharpies or nail polish to make them modest. The caption on one of these says, “Nail polish + naked barbies = modest barbies. Tshirts and leggings under short skirts and tank top barbie clothes. Love, love, love this idea!!!!” This idea is posted under “Fun stuff.” (Umm, on what planet is it “fun” to paint underwear on your kids’ toys in an effort to make them modest?)
I could say more, but, well, this is just nutters.
Add this to the list of overzealousness…
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865556545/Virginia-young-women-light-up-runway-at-unique-fashion-show.html
This part is particularly disturbing…”As a father of two of the young women who participated, I know that it was one of the most-important activities that my daughters have ever been a part of.”
Really? This is the best we can do for our young women? How about activities that are related to caring for the poor and needy, serving others, or developing real talents beyond picking out cute outfits and strutting.
I don’t know where that guy’s been, but that kind of fashion show is not even a little bit “unique”. I participated in several of them as a teenager (and I don’t live in a heavily-Mormon area). Modest fashion shows are YW leaders’ favorite thing.
When I was about 16 or 17, my parents forced me to go to an EFY conference at BYU. At that time, I had an ear ring, hair to the middle of my back, and a very full beard. I didn’t want to be there in the first place, but when I arrived on campus, you can imagine the response to my appearance everywhere I went. I wasn’t allowed to go to some of the social functions, such as the dances, and had to spend the evening in the dorms. I know it is cliché, but as I sat in the room, I remember looking at a picture of Jesus, with a beard, and long hair. No earring though. I guess I pushed the line too far.
Totally agree! This trend is so sad and damaging. I actually created a pin meant to counter the craziness: http://pinterest.com/pin/75153887501886973/
Spread it around! I hope it actually helps, rather than making things worse. We’re moving out of Utah next week. The way we’ve become afraid of my daughter being exposed to the more ridiculous parts of the culture played a large part in our decision. The last straw for me was reading a story at the fMh Facebook board about how one woman’s young son called her 12-year-old daughter a slut for wearing a shirt that was a little too small and showed a bit of her stomach. It showed me that even if you try to raise them right at home, they still get exposed to the crazy. Hopefully things are better in California.
I’m so sorry, Heidi. That was my post, and I’m still struggling with this issue in my home. Can we tag along on your journey out of Oz?
I consider it a favor that you shared the story with us. My husband had been trying to tell me that no matter what we taught her at home, that wasn’t going to make up for what she’d get elsewhere. It didn’t hit home for me until I read that. It’s not like the story made us move or anything. We were already planning on that. My husband’s been interviewing out of state for a few months now. But it made me realize that we were moving for our daughters’ sake; not just ours. Reading the Mormon Expressions podcast with the fMh guests–the one on kids in the LDS church–also contributed to my change in mindset.
Thanks for sharing that with me. I’m going to listen to that podcast today. I wish you and your family a happy journey!
I’m sorry but that doll just looks like she’s wearing a skin-tight shiny latex bustier. S&M bondage barbie, anyone? The modesty solution here seems to have backfired.
I think drawing the sacred temple gament on a Barbie and using vibrant colors for it is completely inappropriate.
/snark
Ugh. I’ll admit I have a niece whose Disney Princess books have been attacked with a sharpie to cover Jasmine’s bare belly and Belle’s bare shoulders (and don’t get me started on Ariel). All I can think is how on earth is that poor kid going to cope in the real world? I can understand using it as a learning opportunity- “Ashley, do you think Jasmine’s outfit is modest? Is that an oufit that we would wear? Why do you think she might be dressed in clothing different from what we would wear?”. That’s all fine. Simply censoring it isn’t going to do anything other than give your daughter a complex.
What Bree said. I like the black latex. Does that come with a whip?
And Heather, the little girl was only 7 when it happened, which is eve more nutters.
Jenn, I don’t love the sea-shell swimsuit or other similar outfits either, because it plays into an ideal of physical beauty and desirability that is being foisted onto all of us, especially our girls. It also objectifies them horribly. For me, it’s not so much a modesty issue as currently defined within the Mormon subculture as it is a damaging message to us about how a woman’s body should look.
Why not paint temple garments (complete with markings?) on the dolls, so the girls can practice dressing to cover garments?
(OK, I’m being sarcastic. No, I’m not being sarcastic; I am sarcastic. Sorry. No offense intended.)
Gah! That’s horrifying.
Well, Heather, I have to assure you that things like this will most definitely go on at EFY for your daughter this summer. I worked for EFY for a couple of years in 2004-2005 and I doubt things have gotten more tolerant since then. When I worked there, young men with non-missionary haircuts were often encouraged (read: coerced) into having their hair cut during the week. Then of course a picture of the before and after were shown during the slide show following the last night’s dance, and everyone would cheer in at this young man’s righteous decision to further his discipleship by following mission standards 1-5 years before he would even potentially be a missionary.
My little sister, who worked for EFY just a couple of years ago, told me that they had an employee who was trained as a hairdresser on site during registration and that if any boys came through with unacceptable hairstyles, they had a haircut on the spot or were not allowed to attend.
And that’s just the boys. We all know the girls have it worse.
My advice? Make sure she packs nothing that could be questionable. Nothing borderline. Is it caving to this ridiculous pressure of ever narrowing standards? Yes. But it will also prevent a headache and a potentially emotionally scarring event for her and for her counselor. EFY standards are even stricter than church standards. But if she wants to go, she agrees to abide. So prepare her to either toe the line or not go.
Not sure I will want my kids to go to EFY. Or attend mutual activities. Or scouts. Or activity days. Gah. Now I feel sick.