Today’s guest post comes to us from Angela Felsted, who is a musician, poet, and nature lover. Her work has appeared in issue fifteen of Drown in Your Own Fears, in Chantarelle’s Notebook, and in Vine Leaves Literary Journal. You can find more of her poetry and prose at www.my-poetry-place.blogspot.com
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Considering its sanctity, there is one title that the women of this church rarely use to address a congregation with -that of Mother. But it is with the concern and voice of an all-wise Mother that I speak to you today, my noble sisters.
Man is the most protective of God’s creations. He was created before woman for a profound and important purpose. Of all the handiwork of Jehovah, there is none stronger, none built to shield and provide for women better than a meek son of God who conducts himself in humility and with thoughtful understanding of his godly role, who reveres and esteems his body as an object of divine usefulness, who seeks out education and continually develops the depth of his knowledge, who strengthens his mind with eternal understanding.
We will answer to God if we overlook his sons.
Too many of our brothers are disconsolate, even dispirited, and disenchanted. Others are having serious problems due to their own misguided choices. The devil has let loose a seductive crusade to discredit and put down the sacredness of manhood, to mislead the sons of God and sidetrack them from their celestial purpose. He is well aware that men are the efficient, resilient, protectors who shield and defend righteous women. He would center their goals only on achieving and displaying their accomplishments, cheapening their divine callings as husbands and fathers. He has persuaded many of the falsehood that they are the only ones who hold power in God’s earthly kingdom. This lie has emboldened some to trade their God-given masculinity for feminine vanity.
The rising threat of Satan’s crusade was impressed upon me when in Washington DC I turned my station wagon in front of a BMW filled with rich young men. Their luxury car sped up and cut in front of me, almost hitting my front bumper. The boys expressed their disapproval with a number of crude remarks and offensive gestures. They wore female jewelry-gold watches, sparkling chains around their necks, diamond studs glimmering in their ear lobes, and some had grown their hair out long like a model on the cover of an un-Godly romance novel. My stomach ached. These were sons of heavenly parents. I decided then to take every opportunity to enlist the upright mothers and future mothers in the Kingdom of God to help any young man as deceived and misled as these understand their divine potential.
Sisters, we must have the compassion to help them. I worry that their troubles come as a result of our forgetfulness or sins. As a godly wife, mother, daughter, or sister, each of us has the solemn responsibility to show each son of God the sacred role our Father and Mother in Heaven have given him. Too many are being robbed of the deep, meaningful, humble life that God would have them live. Will you show them what they’re giving up as they are led like trusting sheep by those who, for selfish reasons, would take away their precious manhood? Since it is their temperament to build and to achieve, many men do not understand their divine calling. Loneliness makes them susceptible to those who say their purpose is to make money and flaunt their success.
So many young men trade in their divine characteristics of masculinity, humility, and a protective concern for others for vain and worldly self-aggrandizement. Young women, make it clear to such young men that you won’t date those that can’t prevail over the values of the world. Many flaunt their success and put on sparkling earrings, expensive watches, and gaudy gold chains because they believe it’s what you desire. In kind ways, express how off-putting excess money is to you, a humble young woman, and how it causes unwanted fantasies about security and attachment against your will.
Those young men who embrace their protective role and exhibit humility as a faithful Latter-day Saint are sometimes called “tight wads.” Support them by thanking them for their virtuous example. Express gratitude to them for putting the Lord first in a way that will benefit their future wife and daughters. A number of young men have become worthy again through the help of righteous women. Maybe a number of you could honestly express your worries in a suitable environment like seminary or sacrament meeting. Will you start your own campaign to show young men how loved they are by God and desired by you when they focus on their masculine characteristics and God- given roles of manhood? Perhaps you’ll even mold the spirituality and values of your future husband.
I know what it means to love and cherish a son of God who with humility, provides and protects his family with the complete masculine magnificence of his honorable manhood. As a wife, constantly express to your husband how much you value him. It will cause him immeasurable joy. As a daughter, express to your father how much you value him. It will cause him unspeakable happiness.
Let us be thankful to our Mother in Heaven for Her precious sons. Let us build up their worth. Then let us show every man who questions his divine purpose to pray to his heavenly parents for a spiritual witness of his intrinsic value. I bear my testimony that as every man seeks to draw closer to God, divine direction will lead him to completion, serenity, and an overwhelming bliss through embracing his divinely allotted, sacred manhood.
Nice job, Angela. What’s funny is that it is both jarring and amusing to read it. We hear this kind of language ALL THE TIME from church leaders and in church magazines and lesson manuals re: women. We are used to reading about ourselves written in this tone, so it seems “normal” when we’re talking about women [well, it doesn’t seem normal to ME, but apparently it seems normal to many members . . .]
It was informative to write it from the perspective of a mother who saw herself as having the same authority as a priesthood holder based on her motherhood. Jarring is right. My favorite line was the one about young men influencing young women against their will. So yeah, it definitely puts things in a different light.
These are my favorite parts:
“As a daughter, express to your father how much you value him. It will cause him unspeakable happiness….Let us build up their worth. Then let us show every man who questions his divine purpose to pray to his heavenly parents for a spiritual witness of his intrinsic value.”
The original version presupposes that women have deflated self-esteem and are just waiting for the men (including the men in heaven) to validate them and make them feel worthwhile… and when we get that validation from the men we are filled with unspeakable happiness. Since it sounds ridiculous in reverse we all readily accept that men don’t need self-worth validation from women or daughters. The sad thing is that I think a lot of women in the church do have low self-esteem which is a direct result of being kept very dependent in a stay-at-home mom role – one that cuts off education (get married young, having many kids right away), it cuts off career options and it cuts off personal growth in terms of confidence building – relationships and activities- outside the home.
These type of messages reinforce that women are merely 2nd classers.
Message that we perceive to be hearing from men:
“Cheer up women (or wife)! Your status is not so bad! We value all of your servant-like jobs because we men (and children) like being served by you! So don’t be sad or feel low-self esteem! Smile while you clean up poop and scrub toilets and clean up your terrible twos throwup for the millioneth time. Smile while your kids whine and complain about the meal you didn’t want to make in the first place. Smile while we mold you in to a one-job-fits-all life. Oh and also don’t wear clothes that might make you feel beautiful and sexy… wear clothes that add to your low self-esteem but then pretend that you look great anyway! I mean… you girls have the really important job at home. Sitting in an office with adults, getting paid, using your mind, having accomplishments, getting accolades – this stuff all sucks – really I promise. You girls rock. Thanks for allowing me (a man) to come home to a clean house and nice meal everyday – honestly it makes my life simply perfect – all thats missing somedays is your smile… so I just want you to know that I VALUE you – and since this alone will cause you unspeakable happiness I don’t mind saying it to you once in a while so I don’t have to hear you whine and complain about your day at home with the kids. This way I can get home and have some quiet time to unwind instead of having to listen to you. That would be the greatest gift you could give me. Thanks hun! Love you!”
“The sad thing is that I think a lot of women in the church do have low self-esteem which is a direct result of being kept very dependent in a stay-at-home mom role — one that cuts off education (get married young, having many kids right away), it cuts off career options and it cuts off personal growth in terms of confidence building — relationships and activities- outside the home.”
This IS sad. Personally, this has not been my experience in the Church. I have always been told to become educated, to be prayerful about what path to take. Of course, a family is a priority, but I have not been “kept very dependent” in any role. Maybe that comes from having been raised by my mother. She cherished her role as wife and mother, and showed us every day that we were her highest priority. At the same time, she never turned away from her own life, always delving into new experiences and hobbies that interested her. She even went back to finish school and get a degree and now has a career, which all began when several of us were still at home. I guess she showed us that being a mother and wife, and LOVING IT, SACRIFICING FOR IT, does not mean you “cut off” anything else. She truly believed in her wifely and motherly duties as divine, but that in no way meant she had to squander any talents she had in other areas. Either way, I’ve never felt that I had to be any different just because I was an LDS woman. My mother taught me what it meant to be a faithful LDS woman, and it wasn’t anything as you describe. I think too many put all the blame on the church, when the truth is that it starts in the home. If my mother could teach me how to be an amazing woman (as a wife, mother and everything else she did besides that), then I believe any other woman can do the same for her daughters. (Not that I’m always amazing, but I try to live what I have been taught). I hope I can do that for mine. Ultimately, we can’t blame it all on the church, since we are the ones who truly teach our children the gospel of Christ. If something is said at church that our children question (or SHOULD question), the onus is ours to lead our children on that path. It is from us that our children will learn the most. After all, others at church teach them mainly on just one day of the week. What are we doing with the other six days? Personally, though, I have not felt that the church or any men in my life have sought to keep me “in my place” through my womanhood. From what it seems, I guess I should be thankful for that, as others have not had that same experience. So, then, maybe it’s just depending on what people are in your local congregation or leadership?
As someone who has been exposed to Christianity, Anglican and Catholic, but not to this version of it I am astonished at how backward it is and how so many people can still believe in, listen to and promote such primitive teachings. Amazing that such views exist in a modern country in the modern age. Even more amazing that millions obviously adhere to them.
Then again, living in Africa I have seen local and American evangelists in full flight – not something which would work in Australia or probably most other developed nations – and I remain fascinated at how old-fashioned and bigoted it is. Not surprisingly the Africans love this sort of stuff but when you live in a culture where you know you can be attacked by witches anytime you probably need a literal, fanatical and hard-line religion.
You would have to be seriously brainwashed to ever connect with this sort of talk. Not meaning to offend but it would be laughable if it were not so destructive.
“This lie has emboldened some to trade their God-given masculinity for feminine vanity.” I’m thinking metrosexual fashions, mother of pearl cuff links, boldly striped shirts?
“As a daughter, express to your father how much you value him. It will cause him unspeakable happiness.” Wow, E. Scott must really think we are emotional boobs.
Did he really say to pray to heavenly parents (not Heavenly Father)? I think that’s going to become a thing. Just wondering if he’s on the cutting edge. That’s my prediction, though – get ready to hear more of “heavenly parents.” I believe it’s going to happen.
I changed it to parents. It was originally Heavenly Father.
Rats. Well, I’m still predicting it will be a thing.
Didn’t someone sometime put out a version of the Bible which removed all gender references for God? I think so.
I’m sure someone did. I found a feminist version of the Bible on Amazon for free. I think it was edited by Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and possibly some others, but I didn’t actually get it because I’m not THAT into feminism.
Ha, Ha, you don’t have to be into feminism to read books written from a female perspective. But I do understand. I never related to hard-line feminism either because it seemed to me to be the opposite of patriarchy – but I do believe in gender equality and I have used anything and everything to access information and provide perspective.
Then again, you don’t have to be a feminist per se: to be called a feminist simply for voicing a belief in gender equality. I started young – kept my name when I married; always refused to be called Mrs; we gave our children both our names; fought for equality in my profession and have always believed men are just as capable of looking after a house, cleaning and raising children from birth and they should be given the opportunity.
I know I am fortunate marrying a man who said in the beginning – ‘our house, our dirt.’ In some ways I think patriarchy harms men more than it has women. We have become strong, resilient, flexible and brilliant at relationship – the gentlest of men have suffered more under patriarchy than the gentlest of women and no doubt one reason why women live longer is that they are healthier emotionally and psychologically. But I digress.
Seems to me he is trying to get that message across to a lot of really lame LDS men to appreciate and lift up their wives, daughters and women of the church. Especially in a world where women think they are valued more in the workplace all the time while juggling families….I think in many ways with women “having it all” that we have sort of put ourselves in a rocky place and do not get that respect that we deserve. Speaking from experiences of course. Once I was told by a man in our church that because I was so successful and career oriented that I clearly must not want to be a devoted wife and mother. This after two dates! Gee, thanks schmuck! He clearly did me a favor! I know our Father in Heaven loves His daughters and is hoping that though the wording is archaeic that it might speak to the love He has and wants us to feel from those men!!! ;)
Jenny why do women need to be lifted up if they are equal?
And neither do we need respect beyond the respect accorded to all human beings regardless of gender.
What really strikes me about this write up is how condescending these messages are. Boys are likely to get confused about their role, girls (being the wise and all knowing sex) can help them feel better about their role by doing x, y, and z. This reminds me of Doctrine and Covenants 121:43
43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
This scripture has always bothered me because of the implied condescension. The priesthood leader knows what the right thing is, so it is his place to reprove other people, but it is ok because he is going to show them lots of love after he corrects them.
hawk I am with you. change must come and is coming. This sort of religion or this version of Christianity has no place in a modern, enlightened and civilized world and those in charge must know it and feel it. That creates fear and fear makes people more rigid and more extreme. In a way it is a healing crisis – just as we get a lot worse before we get better when we are ill – so will religions like this get worse before they heal.
I don’t know about Mormons or fundamentalist christians but other forms of Christianity are losing followers rapidly – mostly women – and that’s because women have been the heart and soul, and the workers of churches, but in a world of gender equality they are beginning to refuse to swallow the patriarchal line and keep playing servant. I look forward to a time when religion is really about God and not what men think and want God to be.
Angela Felsted wrote: “I’m sure someone did. I found a feminist version of the Bible on Amazon for free. I think it was edited by Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton and possibly some others, but I didn’t actually get it because I’m not THAT into feminism.”
Huh? Are you actually seeing what you’re writing here? You just took a whole bunch of time to rewrite a talk by a General Authority, but you’re not THAT into feminism? Does rewriting the Bible scare you? I just found this very interesting. On with your regularly scheduled program.
Is that what it feels like when a church leader talks about womanhood? I almost had an aneurism until I realized it was satire.
Very good writeup by the way. I love how this type of exercise highlights the absurdity of how women are viewed by men in this religion. I don’t think too much has changed since the 1830s (and that’s not a compliment, Elder Scott.)
Coming from a divorced man who’s ex-wife was unfaithful, what bothered me about this talk is that it seems to teach that all women deserve to be reverenced and respected merely because they are women, and that if they have made mistakes, that it is a man’s fault. I believe women should be accountable for their own mistakes, that they are just as capable of evil as men, and can lose my trust and respect through poor choices and laziness. And in response to the comments advocating the principle that women don’t need a man to lift them up, I agree in theory. In practice, what I’ve found, is that there are a good number of women out there who lack self confidence and are looking for a man to build their self worth and confidence (I recently dated one). I would like to meet more women who are confident and have a high self-worth, and if it seems condescending to women for a man to say that men should try to lift women up, then I would expect no argument from women when I say I’d like for more of you to stop being needy and dependent, and stop blaming men for your lack of self esteem. Own your feelings, take responsibility for them, and don’t blame men, saying they’ve made you feel one way or another. I’ve accepted that life isn’t fair and has challenges, but I am ready to face them all with confidence. I’ve found a lot of happiness since my divorce and am happy not because of my career or accolades, but because I make choices every day that are consistent with my belief system and I am happy with who I am. My greatest moments of happiness have come in times I’ve spent with my children, seeing them learn and grow. And yes, men are just as capable as women in raising children and running a household. I’d say I am much more capable than my ex. If there are any successful women out there who want to go to work every day so that I can stay home with my kids, I hope we can find each other. Alternatively, I would be equally happy with a woman who sincerely wants and finds joy in staying home with children, cooking, and creating a happy beautiful home. I would come home every night not to “wind down” but to find my second wind and attack the evening’s responsibilities with as much dedication as my day job, and we would be equal.
This post is a tongue-in-cheek response to a talk given in the US East Coast Stake Conferences this past weekend.
Tongue-in-Cheek (according to the free online Dictionary): Meant or expressed ironically or facetiously.
Anonymous Man, an excellent post. Well said. You know the most successful nations are those with the greatest gender equality.
Societies where women have the most equality function most effectively – the Scandinavians leading the developed world. One can only question the impact which religious teachings postulating superiority of man (and responsibility of man for woman) at least in this material world – I know some try to wriggle their way around it by saying men and women are spiritual equals in the eyes of God, but not up to leadership, management or self-responsibility in the material world – has on the functioning of the family in particular and the society and ultimately the nation.
It is interesting that the US, while being the richest developed nation, offers the poorest quality of life to its average citizen of any developed nation – and it is the most religious, often of a fundamentalist Christian nature, of all developed nations.
Perhaps there is a higher price to pay than some might suppose in preaching the superiority of men in this material world. Just a thought.
You will always be able to find women who say and feel they love being in an unequal and oppressed role because they have bought into a false belief system that this is their divine role and necessary for spirituality. Here is another example – http://articles.cnn.com/2010-02-04/world/france.burqa.ban_1_veil-burqa-muslim-woman?_s=PM:WORLD. These types of women defend their status that was created for them by men originally even if they aren’t being currently forced by men. Rather it is the creation of false belief that makes women believe they must happily make sacrifices in this regard for their own personal salvation. I am not saying that being a mother is oppressive or unequal -what is oppressive and unequal is the father not contributing to the housework and child care and the wife not contributing to the financial support-which includes growth for her and self confidence. This includes each person supporting the other equally instead of the woman supporting the husband and his career being the focus. In order for this to work well they should not have children until both have completed their education. They should limit the number of children they have and they should be financially stable before having children. All things that the church teaches against. I hold these views strongly because I bought into the church’s plan getting married young and having many kids right away with no money with very traditional roles and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
Sarah you make some good points. I take the view that women have had to fight the hardest ‘war’ of all – one against their fathers, brothers, husbands and sons – no man has ever been put in that position. It is hardly surprising that some women choose surrender.
I also believe that the patriarchal culture in general and patriarchal religions in particular use brainwashing as a technique – albeit unconsciously – but they use it all the same. How else could they get sane, educated, intelligent and sensible men and women to go along with these often ridiculous and always unjust beliefs? If you don’t know you are brainwashed then how do you ever think outside the system? It takes a very, very, very independent thinker to do so.
Fundamental and orthodox religions of all persuasions also use sabotage and blackmail to keep people in line – if you speak out of turn or want to break away you are ‘punished’ and if you opt to leave the religion you are ostracised and threatened not just with hell in the next world but hell in this one because you will be divided from your family and friends. I know this is at its worst but it still happens in this day and age with some fundamentalist christian religions – not just Judaism, Hinduism and Islam!
It takes a lot of time, courage and strength to fight such a system. One reason the religions encourage early marriage is because they know that with children a woman will have less time and energy to fight the system. To that degree the religious systems are devious as well because in all of these ‘backward’ orthodox religions it is the woman’s job to look after home, kids, husband and often parents and in-laws.
I don’t think marrying young is the issue – I did, at 21 and had a baby 12 months later and consider it the best thing I ever did. I had the second 18 months later but, I lived in a developed nation which even then had some maternal leave and I could still work and I had a husband who shared absolutely everything involved in our home and our children.
When you cite ‘traditional roles’ you hit the nail on the head.
R. Ross wrote “It is interesting that the US, while being the richest developed nation, offers the poorest quality of life to its average citizen of any developed nation — and it is the most religious, often of a fundamentalist Christian nature, of all developed nations.”
That’s quite a sweeping generalization to make. Where are you getting this information? These are the kinds of assumptions people criticize religious people of making, but apparently neither side is above making unsubstantiated generalizations to suit their agenda.
Are sometimes called “tightwads”-LOL
Susan,
It’s easy enough to do a search for that statement – highest rates of semi-illiteracy and illiteracy in the developed world; highest rates of working poor and poverty; highest rages of crime and incarceration; lowest minimal wage; poorest labour conditions – as in things like holidays, maternity leave, sick leave etc.,; no adequate universal health cover; only developed country where people are bankrupted because of medical costs; poorest quality of public education – as the richest nation in the developed world the US should not have statistics like this – one looks for an answer as to why it might be so.
Susan,
The statistics and comparisons are easy enough to find but this article appeared in my inbox this morning and I thought you might find it interesting, apropos my comments:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/timothy-l-obrien/breakdown-americans-on-the-edge_b_1312182.html?utm_source=DailyBrief&utm_campaign=030112&utm_medium=email&utm_content=FeatureTitle&utm_term=Daily%20Brief
I couldn’t decide last Sunday if he “knew” his audience or not. Either way, it was a regrettable talk. It would have been better even if he said “women are key nurturers of children so become mighty scriptoria’s”–the injunction to protect and revere based on biology and not on merit drives me nuts. Although I confess that I stepped out after the car full of teens in SLC part…
Why would you believe that scripture refers only to men? Ultimately priesthood embodies men and women together, equally. These are righteous principles of interpersonal relationships required to control & handle the powers of heaven. True, the scripture addresses men directly, but in my experience women are less likely to need it spelled out for them.
Angela,
You did a really great job at this – and I appreciate that you kept a balanced perspective and didn’t get snarky about it. :) The church is under a lot of scrutiny from outsiders (esp. with the election coverage), and may feel more pressure to reiterate gratitude for women and emphasize their value (when those with limited exposure may assume otherwise due to the priesthood being held only by men), but I honestly wasn’t offended by anything that was said, nor would I mind my husband saying lovely things to me more often. :) It seemed to be more aimed at the husbands who tend to be more oblivious and insensitive. I think of myself as pretty well-grounded and not in “need” of flattery and compliments to support my self-esteem, so perhaps I’m just unusual. :)