I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
“I might go and have a baby for some rich people,” said a woman from my dorms whose name I have long since forgotten. She was lamenting about how her bank account had “no money whatsoever,” and she wasn’t sure–although she was graduating without debt–if she wanted to work. I was speechless, but listened as she made her way out of the dorm with the last of her belongings. I had significant student loan debt, so was anxious for a job to pay it all off. But that is not the only reason I wanted a good job.
I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
I have known since I was 15 that I could not have children naturally. Still in high school, and amid the Laurel classes that seemed constantly focused on temple marriage “so sweet spirits can be born in the covenant,” I determined to be a mother. This would be in spite of the ignorant Young Women program, because I knew I would need a job more than I needed an “eternal companion” to become a mother. I was not rich. Nether was my family. Temple marriage was statistically easier than adoption, so I chose to obtain a Bachelors, then postgrad degrees. I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
I have never met a “rich” infertile couple. Never. I have met couples who knew of their own infertility, determined to become parents, and worked hard at school work and otherwise to become successful. They are successful, and they do well financially. But the motivation is not money. The motivation is parenthood. LDS Family Services caps adoptions at $10,000. The problem is that LDS family services is severely restricted in the number of children being surrendered for adoption, and they often work in conjunction with other agencies. At my last check, the average adoption is about $30,000, with IVF being in the $12,000- $30,000 park (pending insurance and even socialised medicine coverage) and surrogacy is generally advertised at $100,000. So you see, I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
There are even more reasons why I chose my career path. I never thought twice about seeking a high-paying profession. And I wanted to be married to someone who was of like mind: someone who wanted a be a father, someone who was determined in family and career so his career would also help with the costs associated with gaining a family. Like minds attract, so I hungrily sought academic and professional advancement. Some Mormon women berated me and my professional ambitions. But I didn’t care. I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
My career could not be lightly chosen. Teaching supposedly “looks great” on adoption and “intended parent” (for surrogacy) applications, as does being highly educated. Professorship was the path I chose. After all, I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
Having a well-regarded and well-paying job inevitably also means good benefits like medical and life insurances that could promise that a potential child would have immense provisions under our care. Having a good career also allowed us to put a down payment on a house, making us looks secure, responsible, trustworthy. In addition to large sums of money, we needed to look good on paper for “birth mothers,” “gestational surrogates,” adoption and surrogacy agencies, governments, counsellors, friends and pastors who would write dozens of letters of recommendation on our behalf. I wanted to be a mother, so I needed a good job.
There are distinct benefits to the academic path I chose. Being in constant need of money is the way of life for many students. Being surrounded by impoverished students helped me to remained focused on saving money for yet another adoption application, surrogacy contract or otherwise. In addition, school did not “shut down” for me between terms, just like our fight for a family did not shut down for weekends, holidays… so if I needed to immerse myself in research to escape from the fertility fight, there was always a place and an associate anxious to engage academically. Because I wanted to be a mother, a good job helped keep me sane.
And on days of sadness and failure, I looked to my academic publishing and my legacy, my children. Because I still did something. In my years of infertility, I did not sit like so many of the other infertile Mormon women I knew, weeping, unfavoured and alone. I worked. And worked. And worked. And wept. And worked some more. And in my work, I celebrated the gifts God gave me in order to become a professional. My career is a blessing. It would be blasphemous to state otherwise. Because I wanted to be a mother, so God gave me a good job.
-Submitted by Spunky
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This is AMAZING!!!
Wow!
So powerful.
Thanks so much for sharing this. One thing that struck me is that you knew early on that you had fertility issues. I was thinking about all the couples that don’t know until they are married and trying to get pregnant. If they hadn’t used their education to get a job that paid well, then their options would be much more limited. Just another reason why we should help YW focus more on the financial side to their academic decisions.
Spunky,
This is terrific. I wish Young Women and their leaders the world over could read this post.
Really beautiful. Really powerful. You are a blessing and a model.
I am lucky, because I’m a mother. However, because of my own experiences with recurrent miscarriages, I know far too many Mormon women with infertility struggles. Not one of them sits around doing nothing and weeping. They have each contributed to the world and their marriages in another great way. Not one of my young women leaders would have berated a woman who made the choices you did, especially if they knew why. You have a great message to give, but when you speak of “so many of the other infertile Mormon women I knew, weeping, unfavoured and alone”, you greatly underestimate thousands of amazing infertile Mormon women. Maybe a lot of infertile Mormon women found out later in life than you did and so it took them a little longer to focus on what they’d do instead of raising children at home. But please don’t make them sound stupid and lazy; they are not. Delete my comment if you want, but please remember what I say.
Glad Spunky replied to you. ;)
Just wanted to add that in 2+ years of being online, we have never deleted a comment.
Elisse, the problem is that YW leaders wouldn’t berate someone for making those choices *especially if they knew why.* They shouldn’t be berating YW regardless of the reasons – even if it is a choice. And yes, I have been berated for not having children yet.
Your post is beautiful and touching. I thank you for sharing. It is one more story that reminds me how we need to be more aware of the people around us and realize that we all have differences that need to be respected. We cannot, as a religion, go around proclaiming the one right path. There isn’t one.
I just have one tiny correction- surrogacy as a process from start to finish- including lawyers, Ivf fees, the surrogate, etc. has run both families I have worked with as a surrogate about $100,000. The actual surrogate’s fee is much, much lower.
Emily,
Not sure about costing in the way you worded the comment, but yes-the Surrogate is paid about $20,000-$30,000 on average (though some do it for free). It is taxable income if paid, so the payment ca be less, pending state and federal income tax. In my experience many surros are army wives because they can be SAHM’s while their partner is overseas on active duty, but still gain a wage. Plus, army medical insurance covers surrogacy for the surrogate, making surrogacy significantly more affordable. The additional costs are medical for the IVF of the intended parents or egg donor, scientific fees for embryo creation, freezing and storage, “transfer” medical fees, the actual pregnancy, required insurance for medical for all parties and life insurance for the surrogate, legal fees, government fees, court fees to arrange to have the intended parents on the birth certificate rather than the surrogate’s name, mandatory psych evaluations for everyone (including the surro’s children), follow up counselling for everyone (if the state or agency requires), attorney’s fees (because the IPs pay for the surro’s attorney), and incidental costs such as pre-natal vitamins and gas, transport for the surro to go to doctor’s appointments. If the surrogate is not being paid (by choice) and miraculously has medical insurance that covers her part of the surrogacy, and the IPs have medical insurance that covers IVF, the cost is *only* in the $50,000 range for the IP’s. On average, if you search for insurance for surrogacy and the cost of surrogacy, the cost is estimated out of pocket as $100,000- $150,000 in the US. In most cases, this money needs to be in the bank, though I know of one agency that has a payment plan to pay off the surrogacy over a 30 year period (like a mortgage- and I would imagine especially painful if the surrogacy did not work-imagine a payment for 30 years reminding you that you failed at being a parent!) Not cheap. Hence, my job.
A beautiful and insightful reminder about the struggles of those who have difficulties bearing children. Thank you so much for sharing this, my friend.
Elisse Weinert,
Thank you for your comment, there is no way I would choose to delete it. I admire you and the calibre of women in your circle. I never called them stupid and lazy. I never would. Infertility- and miscarriage — as you know, is deeply painful, personal and depressive. In no way is one stupid or lazy. Your choice of interpreting my words as such is incorrect and somewhat offensive, though, like my OP, I do not think either of us intended to offend.
This post is speaking from my own personal perspective. As a youth and YSA, I chose to not let people know of my infertility because I did not want to be pitied. I grew up with Ardath Kapp as the general YW president, and most people I knew LOVED her-and yet, openly expressed feeling sad for her, always questioning why she did not adopt. Locally, one of my stake YW presidents wept openly and often because she wanted to adopt by the time she was 30, but had not- she candidly struggled heavily with it. Those were my examples growing up. And although I deeply love both of these women, I did not want the implied path of being pitied and weeping often and openly, so I did not speak of my infertility to anyone unless we were discussing marriage.
Besides, my body is nobody else’s business, so I saw no need to inform the YW leadership at that time.
I personally have found there to be difference in perspective of women who are not infertile, those who are infertile but eventually become parents, and those who are infertile and never become parents. So whilst I agree with you that not all women weep at their fertility limitations, in my experience, those who at least have one child seem to feel the sting less compared to women who never have children, especially those who still seek children- even at the ages of 50 or more. Recently, I engaged in a project recording the personal histories of Mormon women. I sought out women who never had children– because in my perspective, they are often looked over as disinteresting because they did not have children. Two of the women I asked refused to respond, telling that they were “not important”- because they did not have children. Despite my protests, they would not participate. Comparatively, women who misacrried but still ahd children spoke heavily of thier losses as a part of their vibrant participation. This is where I furthered my opinion, therefore how I expressed my perspective of weeping women.
Emily,
Not sure about costing in the way you worded the comment, but yes-the Surrogate is paid about $20,000-$30,000 on average (though some do it for free). It is taxable income if paid, so the payment ca be less, pending state and federal income tax. In my experience many surros are army wives because they can be SAHM’s while their partner is overseas on active duty, but still gain a wage. Plus, army medical insurance covers surrogacy for the surrogate, making surrogacy significantly more affordable. The additional costs are medical for the IVF of the intended parents or egg donor, scientific fees for embryo creation, freezing and storage, “transfer” medical fees, the actual pregnancy, required insurance for medical for all parties and life insurance for the surrogate, legal fees, government fees, court fees to arrange to have the intended parents on the birth certificate rather than the surrogate’s name, mandatory psych evaluations for everyone (including the surro’s children), follow up counselling for everyone (if the state or agency requires), attorney’s fees (because the IPs pay for the surro’s attorney), and incidental costs such as pre-natal vitamins and gas, transport for the surro to go to doctor’s appointments. If the surrogate is not being paid (by choice) and miraculously has medical insurance that covers her part of the surrogacy, and the IPs have medical insurance that covers IVF, the cost is *only* in the $50,000 range for the IP’s. On average, if you search for insurance for surrogacy and the cost of surrogacy, the cost is estimated out of pocket as $100,000- $150,000 in the US. In most cases, this money needs to be in the bank, though I know of one agency that has a payment plan to pay off the surrogacy over a 30 year period (like a mortgage- and I would imagine especially painful if the surrogacy did not work-imagine a payment for 30 years reminding you that you failed at being a parent!) Not cheap. Hence, my job.
Spunky,
I apologize for reacting so passionately when I could have stated my opinions less aggressively. Like I said you have a great message to give and I do appreciate your story and perspective.
I completely understand your choice to keep your infertility matters private at that time. Some of my friends are open about it and some are very private.
Obviously you have your own perspective and like I said I appreciate that. Honestly, I disagree with the picture you painted of the church’s culture and of other infertile Mormon women. In fact, just about every Mormon woman I know with infertility struggles has thrown herself into her work, education, or other things. As I said, not one of them has sat around weeping. And as far as I can remember, every YW leader (and the priesthood men as well) encouraged us to get an education and be fully able to support ourselves. I know there are horror stories but I believe those are the exception and that the YW program does a million times more good than ill.
I know there are judgmental people in and out of the church. That is life. I wish more women understood what a struggle childbearing can be for some of us; your speaking out publicly helps to accomplish that, and I’m grateful for it. But I think too often we falsely assume everyone is judging. And I don’t think it’s accurate to make the Church sound like it’s full of and breeds judge-y women. If that wasn’t your intention, that’s okay, but it seemed like it to me.
I completely agree with you that having miscarriages and having one or two children is a completely different struggle and honestly not nearly as difficult a trial as being entirely infertile. I can’t express how grateful I am for every pregnancy I’ve had, no matter how short. And I know that if I had never succeeded in having my daughter I would have done the same thing you did and thrown myself into another great cause.
Thanks for your response and for clarifying your meaning because honestly your comment made a lot of sense to me. It is an enormous tragedy that childless women would feel overlooked and uninteresting.
Elisse,
It’s truly wonderful to hear your perspective, and it gives me hope. But I do hope you can understand that several of us have had very different experiences. I know several women who have sat around weeping. I personally have not, but I have also been scolded and condemned by several people in the church for throwing myself into my work. Occasionally, that condemnation has tempered when they find out I can’t have children, but that raises other issues. First, it is none of their business if I can have children, and I shouldn’t have to use it as an “excuse” for making the choices I have made. Second, I was throwing myself into my work before I knew I couldn’t have children. If the church culture and messages truly aligned with the few times we’ve been told to pursue education, I would never have been judged so harshly, regardless of plans for children. We should all be able to pursue our interests because we want to… and not just in case we need to support our families in time of tragedy, and not just because it will make us better mothers. And for what it’s worth, I know of several times I have been judged because those people said it to my face, and not just because of incorrect assumptions on my part.
I do appreciate your final sentences, and they make me smile, so thank you for that. I have a very interesting job and have accomplished some cool things in my life and work… and yet I am consistently left feeling as though I am overlooked and uninteresting at church because I don’t have children. So thank you – based on my experience, I know not all women in the church feel that way. But it’s a nice reminder to know that some do.
“If the church culture and messages truly aligned with the few times we’ve been told to pursue education, I would never have been judged so harshly, regardless of plans for children.”
I think you’re absolutely spot-on, that1girl. YW are told to pursue education, but in a way that is truly half-hearted in comparison with the way they’re told to pursue marriage and motherhood. The mention of education is nice–it’s better than not mentioning it–but it’s clearly not a priority.
Elisse,
Thanks for your response. Perhaps I am hyper-sensitive, but I see no reason in challenging church culture regarding the role of women. In Mormonsim, the divine role of women is defined as motherhood. It is pretty clear that if we are not mothers “in this life”, then we must become a mother in the “next life,” as a part of female divine ascension. I like the idea that women are with significantly more than what child-bearing abilities mortal or immortal female bodies can achieve. In other words, I am more than my body. I know this, but I don’t think Mormon ideolgy agrees that I am anything other than what my body assigns me.
Thanks for bringing up some really strong and interesting points in this discussion. It is healthy and good.
*no reason AGAINST challenging church culture
Beautiful post! I can very much relate to your story. I didn’t know I would have infertility issues until I got married, but making a good living was always a priority if I wanted the opportunity to stay home one day with children that would come. We were lucky and had insurance coverage for much of our infertility treatments and were able to adopt through LDS Family Services (just one – I got pregnant on my own twice after that).
I too very much enjoyed my time before kids arrived. But I seemed to be the only woman I knew who had infertility issues and wasn’t highly emotional about it.
What a thoughtful post. I can’t imagine the pain and work and pain that you’ve been through to become a mother.
I wish you the best in your quest for a family.
Thank you for sharing this.
Wonderful perspective!
Great post, spunky!
Personally, I have spent plenty of time sitting around weeping. I may have been a student at the time, or working, or both, but still grief becomes overwhelming. Especially when, as in my case you never planned for a career, don’t enjoy attending school, and have no idea what to do with your life now.
After seven years we adopted a wonderful son, who is now 10 and an only child. And I weep because I really would like to go through the process of pregnancy myself, but I am getting older and that is most likely even more impossible than ever. Don’t misunderstand, I have not been weeping constantly for years and not appreciating my son, but things come up emotionally and as someone with no found purpose in life to sub for motherhood it is hard.
I served in Young Women’s for several years and I always wanted to tell the girls (and did occasionally to the disapproving looks of other leaders) to have another plan for their lives, that it was not all about marriage and motherhood. Because I know how damaging that message can be.
As a single women in the church, I felt pressure. To be honest, I was truly unhappy because my career, my childlessness, my divorces made me a pariah. I know the rhetoric. I’m intelligent and productive. I believe in God and Jesus and prayer. I was still very unhappy.
To me my life work, the work of my hands, my political activism and my distancing myself from the religion of my family relieved all the stress. I was scared that God did not love me or I would never see my family again. But the truth was … I did NOT fit. The incessant talking about motherhood and marriage – things that were not only difficult but impossible for me … was depressing.
I left my religion … and began a very fulfilling life of community service. I look back on my years of mourning and distress and wish someone had whispered to me sooner… LEAVE … you don’t fit here and it is damaging your soul.
So I am whispering. To you who may read this. Mormonism has many wonderful things but if you cannot live a Mormon life through no fault of your own … explore things that are valuable and Christlike and LIVE. Do not spend a life mourning. And if Sunday becomes the worst day of your week and the lessons seem to always depress you … STOP GOING. God will understand. Find something wonderful and spiritual you can do. It is damaging to keep hearing your shortcomings and failures for a full day each week. Some of us will never live a traditional family Mormon life. We can’t. And there is little messaging for us.
I whisper because I’ve been there and I know it is difficult and I had a great upbringing in the church but there is little message for me there now as an childless, unmarried career woman. If you feel the same, do something new. There is a full and beautiful world out there and many many people who need love and caring. Fulfillment will come to each of us individually. We can choose happiness.