Once upon a time, a woman in our ward (=church congregation) had a baby. In typical fashion, the women at church mobilized and quickly sent around a list for people to sign up to take a meal over to her family. Kennedy was very excited and asked me whether she could put her name down and make baked potato soup, which is sort of her signature dish. (For those of you who don’t know Kennedy, she derives a huge part of her self-worth from cooking. She loves cooking and having others enjoy the fruits of her labors. Even better-I’m not good at it, which means in our family, cooking is her thing.)
After church, I emailed the woman to ask whether anyone had any food allergies we needed to know about. She said no and then asked what Kennedy would be making. I said Kennedy was excited to make potato soup. The woman emailed me back and said that no one in her family liked potato soup.
At this point, I did not know how to respond. My daughter was somewhere between 8 and 14 (being intentionally vague so as to not out the person I’m dishing about) and was excited to make dinner-all by herself-for someone who had recently had a baby. And the woman she was offering to cook for had just told me that they didn’t like the dish she wanted to make. I wanted to tell her, “Hey, look. Beggars can’t be choosers. Deal with it.” I felt like she should have just said, “Great!”-even if she knew her family was not going to like it.
I remembered that when Stuart was born, someone brought over chicken Florentine-with a double serving of spinach, I swear. I of course happily accepted the meal, but my kids (ages 3 and 6) were not going to eat mushy, cooked spinach (and neither were we!), so we picked the chicken out of the entrée and ate PBJ to fill ourselves up. And I was grateful-so grateful-for her effort. While eating our PBJ sandwiches, we talked about how nice it was of her to make dinner for our family and bring it over to our house. And I reminded them that what happens at our dinner table stays at our dinner table (meaning they were not allowed to see her at church and say, “Ew, we didn’t eat your yucky chicken dinner!”). I wrote her a thank-you card and that was that.
So I emailed my siblings and asked for a meeting of the minds. My sisters agreed that the woman was rude and that they would never do such a thing. My brother also thought it was rude and said he would have just graciously accepted Kennedy’s offering.
But, he also suggested that we should make sure that whatever thing we are doing to help someone (bringing over a meal, etc.) IS actually helpful. In this case, it would not have been helpful to bring over potato soup because the family would not have eaten it. I see his point, but even now-this many years later-the woman’s pickiness irks me. Of course, the whole issue is confounded by the fact that I was also trying to protect Kennedy’s ego and make sure it was a good experience for her.
I’m curious-what would you have done? Do you think this woman was out of line for being honest about what her family would/would not like? If you were in her shoes and someone said, “I was thinking of making liver and giblets, does that sound good?,” would you grin and bear it, or would you decline and ask for something other than giblets?
Hmm. I don’t know that I think she was rude because the dish had not yet been prepared. Saying something before the effort has been made might have been a good tactic to avoid giving offense later. Saying something after it’s been done is certainly ungracious. Maybe she was worried that your daughter would ask her kids how they had liked it, and she knew her kids would admit they didn’t eat it. Maybe she was ultimately sparing your daughter’s feelings in that way. I have never been able to get my kids to comply 100% with the “what happens at the table stays at the table” admonishments.
When I was in HS, my mother broke her neck and hip and was in the hospital for a long time. Initially, people in the ward brought food in (until I pointed out that my dad and I were fine eating popcorn and ice cream for dinner – good times!). Honestly, some of these meals were so foreign to us we were at a loss. Two that stand out were hamburger stew and hot dog soup. My dad gamely ate it, but it was definitely not to our taste. After that experience I always clear menu choices with the recipient in advance.
I strangely have very strong feelings on this matter. I feel that when meals are offered to another, such as in your story, the food should be simple and known to be liked by the recipient. I don’t think that the woman was out of line to tell you that her family didn’t like potato soup, because she was trying to prevent you from wasting food and energy. Also, the meal would have done her no good, and increased rather than decreased the burden on her family, as they would have to provide their own meal while at the same time being gracious to the unwelcome gift.
Too little thought is often put on how meals will be received. When more thought goes into the giving than the receiving, we end up trying to serve our own ego and not the recipient.
While the woman certainly tiptoed into an awkward exchange, I applaud her honesty. I wish that we could do more to reform the meal gift process, but when those doing the giving make the mistake of putting the act of giving above the needs of the recipient I respect those who gently point it out.
Is this making of dinners a thing that happens in other cultures? When a mother has a baby, does the rest of the family just sit there, not eating and wondering where the food came from before the baby appeared? Are men, who at other times can be trusted with the welfare of their family, suddenly stricken illiterate when presented with a cookbook and ingredients?
Getting dinners delivered is one of the weirdest moments for me as a church-member. I don’t know how it is in other countries, but in America, scarcity of calories is not really a problem we face. The whole practice seems very 1950’s to me.
On the other hand, that lady was being totally rude to refuse your gracious offer of soup. It seems like there is a deeper Freakonomics type question there, like this is a market built on reciprocity and carbohydrates. Being picky about donated dinner is the social equivalent of defaulting on your mortgage.
I’m with you. You take what is offered without complaint. Don’t we teach our sons to eat what is offered them as missionaries? As long as it’s not going to make you sick, take it and say “thank you”. Who knows, maybe they will actually LIKE your daughter’s potato soup, unlike what she might have fixed in the past. Of course, if one is allergic or if the food doesn’t look safe to eat, that is an entirely different matter. Having said that, often I will give people a few options when I call and say I’m bringing a meal. It kind of avoids the whole problem in the first place.
As for why be bring meals, I think a lot of it is just to say “I care about you”. Oftentimes the meal isn’t totally necessary, but people feel a need to serve and show that they care and a meal is a great way to do it. I know I’ve always felt loved when people bring me meals.
I agree with hawkgrrrl. I’ve had one occasion when my family has made dinner for another household, and then later happened to discover that the main ingredient of the dish was something the recipients don’t happen to like. Well, I wished I’d asked before putting in the time and effort to make that meal! If I’m preparing a meal for someone, it’s in hopes they’ll enjoy it, not in hopes they’ll thank me politely and then surreptitiously scrape the plates into the garbage disposal! I would have been happy to prepare them something else.
I also agree with Colin — it’s a little odd to assume that nobody but the mom is capable of making food.
Oh, and that potato soup looks fantastically delicious!!! Kennedy is more than welcome to make some for our family anytime! ;)
Interesting thoughts, all.
My kids are picky eaters, and so am I–so if I make dinner for someone, I try to make it something pretty standard–spaghetti (and I’d probably keep the pasta and the sauce in separate containers in case there are no-sauce kids in the family), chicken noodle soup, tacos, etc. I would never make something like spinach to take to a family with pre-schoolers. Obviously, that’s my own bias slipping in!
But if someone said they were going to bring a meal to me, I would absolutely smile and say thank you. There’s no way I would turn my nose up at something.
I also love the tradition of bringing meals over to people. That’s why I was happy to see that Kennedy wanted to experience that herself. And, like I said, she was a kid, so it was hard for me to say, “Honey, I know potato soup is your best thing that you love to make, but Sister So-and-So doesn’t like it . . .” :(
I’m at something of a disadvantage since I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind turning down a pot of potato chowder. I agree the situation was a bit awkward. That said, the purpose of offering some meals is to provide some assistance and during times of stress, especially in a family with children, familiar dishes and comfort food are generally what is appropriate. We discuss possible menus in advance specifically for the purpose of getting feedback on what is liked and will be readily used. In my experience, if no input is solicited on a menu we take what is offered and are thankful to be remembered. But when we are the providers we ask for suggestions and so do many others, and if menus come up the de facto assumption may well have been that you were looking for validation of the selections. I don’t see ill intent or intentional rudeness, though I understand how it could be perceived that way by some.
As for the tradition of bringing meals, etc., I remember many years ago when my mother had surgery my family was invited to dinner at many neighbors’ houses, and we had many meals brought to the house. I grumbled to my dad that it was just silly because he knew how to cook, I knew how to cook, my siblings knew how to cook, etc. My dad replied that it is important to learn to give service, but other of life’s lessons involve learning how to gracefully receive service, and that our pride shouldn’t prevent us from accepting the offerings of friends and neighbors trying to remember us.
I also don’t think she was being intentionally rude, but I would call it clueless–mostly because it was my young daughter whose offer was being rejected.
Of course men can cook. I agree that that seems weird, but I agree that it’s still nice. I was in a ward once where a woman with a semi-active husband was put on bed rest while she was pregnant. I called the RS president to ask whether any effort was being coordinated to take a few meals over to them. She told me that no, the ward was not taking food over because this was “an opportunity for [the husband] to step up to the plate.” Urgh . . . I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t argue with her. I just called the woman directly and told her I wanted to bring food over. Sure, men can cook. And men can buy tacos from Taco Bell for $0.79 each, but it’s still nice to have a home cooked meal.
Still, for a kid the experience is bound to be a more positive one if she makes something they like, and she hears them raving about it next Sunday (rather then seeing them politely bite their tongues about it).
I agree it’s a nice gesture of one family sharing a piece of their home life with another. Still, I can’t get behind these explicitly gendered assumptions. There are households (like mine) where the husband takes primary responsibility for cooking all the meals. If there’s a family like that in your ward, and the husband is in the hospital or on bed rest, does the ward mobilize to bring the family hot meals?
I certainly hope the ward would mobilize for a family like that, but I wonder if they would . . . good question.
A matriarch in my home ward was not quiet about the fact that she did not participate in meal-bringing when someone had a new baby. That sister had 9 months to prepare for meals after her baby was born! She could cook and freeze meals and keep the pantry stocked. If someone was sick or died, on the other other hand, she was happy to help.
When my twins were born, a friend of the family offered to buy us dinner from thr place of our choice (and bring it over passing it through the door). It was much appreciated. The person said they could have made lasagna or a casserole, but they didn’t want to spend that time…I appreciated their honesty. This was/is a working parent, it is the thought that counts. I think it does behoove any family with food allergies to mention that up front in any discussion.
I like this as well. I’ve ordered pizza and bought Subway for people before–for the same reason. I don’t even get home from work until 6:00, so making dinner is pretty much impossible. But I’m happy to alleviate the stress of meal prep when you’re dealing with newborn sleep deprivation, healing, etc.
A couple times, I have bought lunch from wherever the mom wanted and enjoyed lunch with her during the day–but that was only because that’s what the mom wanted (rather than a dinnertime meal). Sometimes people get desperate for adult conversation.