I have a 14-year-old daughter, so I have many opportunities to think about teens, texting, and Facebook. We got her a cell phone between 6th and 7th grade. She had been claiming throughout 6th grade that she was the “only one” at school without a cell phone. I rolled my eyes in response to that assertion, but then started realizing that she was not exaggerating that much: cell phones among teenagers are becoming ubiquitous.
It was fascinating to see how her social life changed overnight-and in her case, it was almost entirely positive. Within the first 24 hours, we saw how the fact that she hadn’t had a phone was limiting her ability to interact socially with her peers. They were all texting each other about school gossip, homework, and sleepover requests-and the fact that she hadn’t had a phone meant she was left out of all those conversations. As soon as she got the cell phone, she was in the loop.
We let her join Facebook when she turned 13. (We made her wait until 13 because we thought those were Facebook rules. Apparently, lots of other < 13 year old kids just lie and get accounts earlier, but I’m a rule follower . . .)
Right away, we realized that we would have to create some policies/rules to manage her being on Facebook. I didn’t want her necessarily in on any and all Facebook conversations I would be having, so I set my account so that I have an “Everyone except Kennedy” group. That sounds mean, I know-but I need to hold on to some virtual space that my kids aren’t allowed to enter.
She has been very responsible with her phone and with Facebook, so I have no complaints (knock on wood).
Still, every time I think we have a policy in place for cell phone or Facebook use, a new issue comes up that I haven’t thought about yet. Here are a few:
1. Schoolteachers. Some of Kennedy’s teachers are her Facebook friends. I mostly think it’s great that these teachers are reaching out to their students where they are rather than eschewing things like Facebook. One of Kennedy’s teachers occasionally posts a picture of the kids doing a science lab or at a fun field trip. One teacher posted pictures and updates while they were on a spring break trip to DC and NYC. I was thrilled to be able to get those updates and feel like I was a part of it. I also love that the teachers occasionally comment on Kennedy’s updates-congratulating her on an achievement, for instance, or telling her they’re sorry if she posts that she is sick or that she did a facial during PE.
So I was surprised recently when a group of girlfriends unequivocally said that it was entirely inappropriate for teachers to be Facebook friends with their students. I see where lines could be crossed, but I still want to think that-if handled with discretion-this can be a good thing.
2. Kennedy’s friends. Some of Kennedy’s friends have friended me. That was too weird for me for a number of reasons. When one friend posted, “Jesus is my bestie” with a little heart emoticon, I either unfriended them or hid them (can’t remember which).
3. Cell phone usage at church-sponsored activities. A lot of energy is being directed towards prohibiting cell phone usage at Wednesday night activities, Saturday dances, week-long summer camp, Sunday School, the main Sunday services, and especially while at Mormon temples (which we consider to be very sacred spaces). These rules don’t make sense to me, though. Why would we want to create one set of rules to apply to all these contexts? It seems like we should teach teenagers that certain rules apply in certain contexts-not just that you can’t ever use your cell phone, ever.
4. Lastly, Kennedy sometimes gets phone calls on her cell phone from people who want her to babysit for them. This feels weird to me as well. I sort of feel like they need to ask me first, since I will be the one to ultimately decide whether she can go, depending on what other commitments she has, whether she has school/housework that needs to be done instead, depending on whether we need her to babysit for us at that time, etc. But then I also want to respect her autonomy (or at least pretend to!) and allow her to negotiate those phone calls.
Do y’all think any of these situations are weird? Do you have rules/policies for your teenagers re: cell phone and Facebook usage? Any luddites* out there?
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*Forgive my SAT vocab. word usage. I couldn’t help myself.
I have loved my 12 year old having a cell phone, and we’ve talked at length about when it may not be appropriate to be on the phone. Church services are one of those times, we resist temptation by leaving the phones locked in the car, mine included, on Sunday mornings. I do let her have it on Wednesdays, but I trust that she keeps it put up until the activity is over. We’ve talked about how that can be disrespectful to those who have prepared a lesson or activity. Like many other young people, she adores her Young Women leaders and would not want to be disrespectful in any way toward them. We also turn them to silent at the dinner table (on those occasions when we do eat as a family at the table) to allow time as a family. Again, I follow those same rules with my phone.
Facebook is a different subject. She doesn’t have one, but has asked me if she could have a facebook page when she turns 13 in July. I will allow her to have one, but I do have some trepidation about this. I feel that Facebook is safer and easier to control than Myspace, but it isn’t completely safe. I want to think I can trust her in all things, but I’m not naive enough to truly believe that. Besides that, she is still a child and can’t always call upon the best judgement. I’m considering some sort of guidelines in which I can have access to her private messages, or maybe being consulted before she accepts or requests friends. I’m still working on that, I have a month and a half to solify and discuss with her what my rules will be.
As far as babysitting goes, I haven’t had an issue. She has to ask me regardless so I don’t care if she is contacted before me or not.
Great artical, Heather. Thanks for sharing.
Oh man, I’m already dreading those days when they finally come knocking at my door…
I think I’m kind of a luddite. I’m not a fan of a lot of social media (and yet, true to my inner hypocrite I waste hours on the computer…). I have a cell phone, for example, but we (hubby and I) have texting blocked. We hate texting/text messages and paying for them. I hate facebook in many ways. I just feel like people forget how to interact without those devices. The fact that your daughter won’t be included unless she has a phone is just one of those examples…
I had a work colleague (single mom) who couldn’t afford getting a phone for her daughter. It was a real problem, because even though they had a land line, no one would call the daughter on the land line.
I also recall a situation where my husband and I went out for dinner with a bunch of single friends (both genders). We thought it’d be a great socializing opportunity for our single friends, and just plain fun for us, since all those people were our friends. But, about 5 minutes into dinner, all the singles were playing with their phones (texting, and…who knows what).
What’s wrong with people? Anyway, I liked your post though. Good food for thought. I don’t know what I’d have to add. All I know is that I somehow didn’t like the idea of teachers and students being friends on facebook. But I have a slight “child abuse” and “internet predator” phobia. So, whatever…
I wonder how young our girls will be when we buy them their first ‘mobile phones’. I’m a huge fan of technology, properly used, and I think that with the way our society is going, we’d be putting our kids at a disadvantage if we didn’t give them all the opportunities we can to become proficient with the available technology.
Sure, there’s a problem if people become locked into technology, and no longer appreciate face to face time with loved ones and friends, etc… but I actually think that when this happens, it’s a problem with the relationships, etc, that the technology just brings to light by giving an obvious escape from.
On the subject of the privacy of their communications on phones and FB, etc, I seem to remember that kids talk about all sorts of things out of earshot of adults. Ok, so they can say these things ‘louder’ and ‘faster’ than ever before using technology, but nothing essential has changed. I think the opportunity for parents to monitor their communications has emerged as never before, and I think that’s potentially more of a problem than the ‘danger’ such monitoring would seek to protect from.
Of course, good advice about not accepting ‘friends’ that they don’t know in real life, etc, is well placed. Just like advice not to accept sweets from strangers: same principle.
I don’t think technology only brings to light problems in relationships already present. I mean, I’m sure that happens, too. But, I actually think technology such as the internet and cell phones not only bring a new level of communication to us, but simply have something…for lack of a better word, addicting about them. I mean, when my sister tells me that she CANNOT exercise without her ipod, or when people are close to having panic attacks when they can’t check their phone every few minutes, or when you hang out on facebook for hours without actually doing anything on there other than typing up lame status reports…
Sometimes technology may reveal already existing problems in relationships, but I think more often than not it becomes the problem factor in relationships. It somehow sucks us in, stealing time we could be spending with friends and family having ACTUAL conversations, to just…dunno – do nothing really.
I hear what you’re saying: undoubtedly, technology can be addictive. Again, I’m not certain that the reason for that isn’t that it is “such a good solution” to the anxiety of face-to-face interaction for many people. (I’m not trying to make excuses, just thinking on it.)
You’d think that if you got rid of all the phones, Nintendo DS’s and laptops, everyone would want to talk to each other and ‘be present’. However, when I go to homes where they don’t have those things, I often see people just sitting around the TV instead. Now, you may argue that watching TV for an evening is more social than personal devices. Perhaps it is… but it’s not much better.
Haha, well, I don’t think TV is better at all (hence my husband and I shunning the TV about as much as a lot of other advanced technology…we have no cable, old cell phone without texting and the slowest internet connection our provider offers.
But I think you have point though. I mean, take away the TV as well, and then maybe everyone would just be sticking their noses into books. I guess when you just don’t really want to try to talk to someone or interact meaningfully, or do something productive – you won’t, no matter what technology is or is not in the house.
It just really bothers me when I hear/read of stories where people get excluded or something just because they don’t have a certain technology. I just had a situation in my family, where one family member claimed that she could not build/nurture a relationship with some of her nieces because the parents of those nieces suck at calling people, visiting, emailing or doing ‘skype’. And while I admit that that makes things harder, I thought “what on earth prevents you from sending a letter in the mail????”. The assertion was that if they don’t skype, it’s really hard to talk to the nieces…And I just find that ridiculous. No one NEEDS skype to have a relationship. It helps when you don’t live close, and it’s great to have it, but there ARE other options. I just feel people get lazy, and start forgetting that there is more than one way to do thing.
Good point. I think technology has definitely contributed to laziness on my part. My grandmother still writes real letters and sends them via snail mail. She writes several letters a day to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I often respond to her via email. My kids LOVE getting letters from her and know that if they write her a letter, they’ll get a personalized response–in the MAILBOX–within a week or two.
So I agree–technology can enhance communication if we use it appropriately, but it can also be a crutch and an excuse.
I’m getting lazy, too. I used to write a lot of letters. Then when e-mail came along I quit letters and did emails. I mean, I’d email people ALL the time. Now you better be on skype, or you won’t hear from me. And calling people on the phone? Who does that these days? Not me…
Ok, it’s not quite that bad, but mostly. And I honestly hate how it is. I miss talking to my friends as I used to. It’s nice to get a phone call and to just sit and chat for a few hours. It’s nice to skype, but it was great sitting and writing long letters either on paper or even email, and to record thoughts and ideas that don’t always come out the same way when talking in person or whatever.
I guess my thought is which each new advancement in society, be that technology, medicine or science – there are usually two sides to the coin. :)
I think the issue you bring up about the teachers is interesting. In my job I have a lot of clients who want to be my Facebook friend because with the nature of the work I do, you build very close and strong bonds with people. Because I want to keep their confidentiality, and a professional boundary, I do not friend them on my personal account. So, I created a professional Facebook account, with my license credentials behind my name to make it obvious, and friend clients there. I don’t post anything personal and I can still be supportive online long after our professional relationship has ended. I think more teachers should be doing this.