My son Stuart’s end-of-the-year dance recital was last Saturday night. He looked like a million bucks up there on stage and handled himself swimmingly when the dance moms and girls looked askance at him as one of only three boys in the dance studio. He’s an 8 year old boy and he loves to dance. What more needs to be said?
Apparently, more needs to be said . . .
Last year at the dance recital, all the girls had a designated place to change costumes and primp. Sure, it was a cramped space, but it was still a designated place. Stuart couldn’t go into their dressing room for obvious reasons and didn’t have a designated place of his own. So he ended up running to the general bathroom to change, lugging his clothes and shoes and costume accessories, dropping things along the way. It wasn’t ideal, but he managed.
During the recital, the studio owner noted to the audience that “these girls have worked so hard all year round” and later asked everyone to “give these girls a big round of applause for the wonderful job they’ve done.” Stuart laughed when he heard “these girls” and shrugged his shoulders. He’s used to gender-exclusive language being used at the dance studio. When he first started at the studio, I overheard the teacher start all her instructions with, “Girls! Girls!” After the second week, I quietly mentioned to her that she needed to start saying “Kids!” now that Stuart was in the class. She laughed and said it would be a hard habit to break and I smiled and encouraged her to begin breaking it.) Later that year, he emerged from the studio with a note from the studio; his little thumb was underneath the line explaining what “each girl” needed to do for the upcoming recital. Again, he shrugged it off and so did I-not wanting to be the squeaky wheel.
After the dance recital last year, I decided to mention it to the dance studio owner. I was afraid she would be mad or think I was “one of those women” (which is funny, because I am one of those women!). I didn’t want to burn any bridges; we’re planning on living in this town indefinitely. I didn’t want her to see Stuart walking in the door and roll her eyes and think of me, the pushy feminist mom.
I started by telling her how much Stuart enjoyed the recital and that I appreciated all the work she had done in pulling it together. She was gracious and said she hoped Stuart would continue taking dance lessons. I told her he definitely wanted to continue and then said that I had a request. I probably said something like, “Please don’t think I’m crazy, but . . .” and then asked her to please stop saying “girls” all the time when referring to the dancers and reminded her of the two comments she had made at the recital. I cringed and awaited her reaction. She looked surprised, but then said, “You know what? I’ve never even thought about that. I should know better than to do that. I guess it’s just a habit.” We talked a bit more about it and then I left.
Fast forward to the recital this year. When we got to the Saturday morning dress rehearsal, imagine my surprise when I was told that there was a boys’ dressing room this year. It made our lives much easier this time around. During the recital, when it came time for the dance studio owner to wrap up, my 11-year-daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I wonder if she’s gonna say what she said last year.” I wasn’t even thinking about that year-old conversation, but both Stuart and Marin had remembered.
This year, the dance studio owner said, “Let’s give all these kids a big round of applause . . .” Stuart’s eyebrows went up and he said, “Mom, she said ‘kids’ this time!”
So the moral of the story is: sometimes it pays to be a squeaky wheel.
What a sweet story. Because people are so often demonized for being — gasp! — politically correct, it is so easy to just keep your mouth shut for fear of being that woman (love how you put that). But most of the time I think people aren’t being malicious, it just hasn’t occurred to them to do things or say things in another way. And when kindness and respect are shown on both sides, it goes a long way. I think it’s great that you said something, but I also think it’s great that Stuart is self-assured enough to shrug it off.
Ok, so first of all, I think it’s so AWESOME!!! that your boy is a little dancer. How cool is that? And, secondly, I think how you addressed the issue is just perfect. I think this is a wonderful example of how, first of all, people don’t always do/say certain things because they don’t care, but because it simply may not have occurred to them how certain words/actions may make others feel. And secondly, it’s a great example of the positive results that can follow when we kindly address problems we face. Yeah for the squeaky wheel!
Also, I love how mellow your son seems to be about all of this.
This is such a perfect story, Heather! First, your boy is adorable in those pictures. And second, way to go. I can’t believe how high-spirited he was, since it’s so easy for kids to feel left out. But it just makes me feel and all warm and fuzzy to imagine how excited he was to see things getting more inclusive of him.
It’s crazy how gendered our world is. I have routinely begged my husband to take ballroom dancing classes with me, and he’s just never been into the idea. I think a big part of it is that some piece of his mind considers it a “girly” thing to do. And maybe he’s not even conscious about it, but it’s enough to prevent him from getting interested.
Great story, thanks for sharing.
Such a nice result! So happy for Stuart. I bet that meant a LOT to him. So glad you shared. The pictures and the story had me in tears, of course there were two different years and two different studios and two different of my sons were the ONLY boys in their respective studios! I don’t recall any use of only feminine terms but who knows how often they slipped and I did not notice. The boys never said anything. I just LOVE it that Stuart is a dancer.
My son’s baseball team has one girl on it. Most of the teams in the league have one or two girls on them. I keep noticing that I refer to the team as “boys.” It is hard to adjust, but I am trying.
It IS hard, Chris, which is why–after not saying anything initially–I asked politely and tried my best to be the model of reasonable-ness. ;) I expect the dance teacher and the studio owner to still say “girls” occasionally, but am appreciative of their efforts to change.
I’m in teacher education and I have tried for several years to make myself say “his/her” when referring to teachers as opposed to just “she” or “her.” I think I’ve just about broken myself of that habit.
I will never be a model of reasonable-ness, but I am comfortable discussing gender and advocating feminism. I am pretty good at “his/her” when I lecture, but it still looks funny in print. I try to mix them up when writing.
Me + reasonable-ness are a rare combination. But when I deal with adults who spend time with my kids on a daily basis, that’s my primary objective.
And yes, his/her are so clunky. My students have taken to using “their” as the neutral singular pronoun. The grammar queen in me doesn’t like that solution . . .
It is a wise strategy, for sure.
Hi, I’m not sure where you live, but you might want to look at youth theater as a way for your son to develop his dance, and perhaps singing, skills. My family has been involved with Christian Youth Theater for the past 5 years and they are in several cities around the US. There is a good mix of boys and girls and never is seen a difference in the type you have seen. You can check them out at http://www.cyt.org/
Good luck to you and your dancer.
Cool! You have a son who likes to dance. I wish I had such ambition as a young boy.
My 4yr old girl has been going to a dance class for a while now. They are all girls in the class, but where the parents wait with younger siblings their is Felicity my youngest and 3 little boys. All four families want their little ones to start dancing next year. I thought this was great having a few boys dance too – but last week the teachers said they are thinking of starting a boys street dance group. Why do they feel the need to segregate 3 yr olds? Plus, I’d rather street dance.. if it does start I might ask if Felicity can street dance with the boys her age.
Stuart and Marin (age 11) are going to try a hip-hop class this summer. They are both so excited.
I agree–what is it about “street dance” that makes it necessary to limit it to boys? Probably they think that boys might be interested in that, but wouldn’t be interested jazz/tap/ballet.
I asked Stuart whether he’d like to do hip hop INSTEAD of jazz/tap/ballet combo once school starts up again in the fall and he immediately said, “No.”