I’ve read some really sad things lately and have been experiencing some of my own sad moments (hey, I’m 39, so it’s time, no?), so I’ve been thinking a good bit about grief lately and about what grief looks like once you’re a parent. And I’m wondering where the owner’s manual is in terms of experiencing life with your children as witnesses. (That missing owner’s manual has been a thorn in my side for nearly 16 years.)
Does becoming a parent necessarily have to change the way we experience our emotions-particularly the sad and difficult ones? I can be pretty emotional-both in terms of wildly happy moments and loud laughter (so much loud laughter), as well as tearful and lonely moments. I’m good with the happy displays, but I tend to shy away from public (meaning in front of my kids) displays of sadness. I don’t do it on purpose, but I’ve learned-through a few experiences-that it’s very disturbing to my kids to see me really cry. It scares them. It unsettles them. It makes (some of) them cry.
It seems unwise, I think, to hide the tough things from our kids. It also seems impractical, as in, how would it work, in a family, in a house, for your kids not to see visible evidences of their parents’ real lives unfolding before them? Think of all the things that might cause us to experience grief as adults: illness, depression, suicide, loneliness, divorce, regret, confusion, death, anger, professional problems, etc.
My kids have seen us get frustrated or down numerous times over little things. That’s no big deal, right? But they’ve only seen us be really sad or mad a few times that I can recall. I wrote about one time here. That was about a year ago, but my kids all remember it and have mentioned it to me more than once in the last year. Another time a few years ago, Brent was really mad and really frustrated about, umm, a whole slew of stuff. He lost his cool (which he pretty much never does) and the kids and I were there to witness his meltdown. He slammed the desk and threw huge accordion-style folders full of papers across the room as I scurried around, elbowing the kids into the other room like a momma bird gathering her chicks back to the nest, before he slammed the door and started walking down the street. Without even putting on his shoes.
Those first few seconds after he left felt pretty long. The kids looked worried. I was worried. Kennedy just stood there. Marin right away asked whether she could go out and walk with Dad. Stuart grabbed Brent’s shoes and headed towards the door to bring them out to Brent. I told them it probably wasn’t the best idea and then distracted them with another activity for a couple hours. Brent came back after he had cooled his heels and we all lived happily ever after.
That story has become something of a family legend now, however. I swear, the kids will never forget it. Every once in a while, one of them will say, “Oh, man! Remember when dad freaked out and got SO mad and started throwing stuff all over the living room?!” And another will say, “Yeah! And then he just stormed out of the house without even his shoes?” Everyone chuckles (and I look for a chance to change the subject, all the while thinking to myself, “Sheesh. Can’t a guy go postal in peace anymore?”)
So what do you think? How should we handle big emotional moments as parents? Do we let our kids see us experience big, tough emotions? Let them see what red hot anger or grief really look like-even if it worries or frightens them? Or should we mostly grin and bear it and keep our big emotional displays behind closed doors?
I’ve been thinking about this lately since we’ve been dealing with some stuff that’s brought up some really difficult emotions. For example I’m having a surgical procedure done that I’m nervous about, but I don’t want him to see my nervousness because that will make him scared – and intellectually I know there’s nothing to be scared about. Another recent example, a coworker of my husband’s committed suicide last week and I have not shared any of my feelings about that with my son because I don’t feel I should burden him at age 7 with the idea of someone taking her own life (he has never met her or her family.) As usual, I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing or inventing brand new ways to screw up my kid.)
They should absolutely see the range of emotion, teaching them that it’s ok to have it and that they too will survive the emotions when it happens to them or other people around them. Of course there are limits, but children should see that there is a path between anger and reconciliation as well as the stages of grief. Denying them that exposure hinders their emotional intelligence, tacitly communicating that anger and grief are unacceptable or shameful. We are emotional creatures, and the range of healthy emotion is inherent to their full development.
Two years ago we experienced a miscarriage at 16 weeks. I say “we” because it was very much a family loss. This was the baby that was due on my youngest son’s birthday, the year after his birthday wish had been for a baby brother. This pregnancy, like all of my pregnancies, came with a ton of nausea and vomiting (something that’s also hard to hide from my under-10 set). We had all experienced my morning sickness, my lack of energy. We had all shared our hopes and dreams for what this baby would be like and all the cool stuff we’d do with him or her as a family. We all mourned the loss together. So when, occasionally, 2 years later, I have a bad day, or see a baby and have a little cry, and my kids notice, I don’t say anything. It’s just emotion. And if they ask why I’m crying, I tell them that I’m missing their brother and the crying lets the hurt out, and I’ll be ok again in a minute. It gives them the freedom to grieve as well, and when *they* have a bad day or start crying for no apparent reason, it sets the precedent for me to ask *them* why they’re crying/grumpy/whatever. Likewise I have put myself in timeout when I’m really upset, and I tell my kids what I’m doing. “I’m really angry about x and I need to go for a walk until I calm down” or “I’m really frustrated right now and I need some alone time before I can think about what to do”. I think emotions are healthy, expressing them is healthy, and letting our children see us coping with them gives them the tools to cope.
This is an awesome way to be authentic about your feelings, but making these time teachable moments with your kids so that they learn (the key word) COPING strategies when they experience these very natural, healthy emotions. Without learning those strategies, such emotions can become overwhelming and destructive. So I think it’s so awesome how you’ve allowed yourself to feel, shown your kids that you do and also given them the freedom to feel and handle those feelings in a productive way. I want to like YOUR comment a dozen or so times!! :)
I want to like Daaron’s post a dozen or so times. High five!
One component of my dissertation work for my child psychology degree, was how children understand their own emotions and the emotions of others. There is research that suggests that using emotion words (angry, happy, frustrated) help children with better emotional awareness. Thus, I think that it is important to not only show emotion around children, but also to talk about that emotion. For example, saying “Daddy is crying because he is sad. He is sad that he won’t be able to see great-grandma anymore.” can be helpful to a child in order to understand the parent’s as well as his/her own grief. Also, when children experience difficult emotions themselves, it is important to ask them about how they are feeling. For example, asking a child, “Why are you having a hard time today? Are you feeling frustrated? Why are you frustrated?” Talking about emotion can be so important to help children understand emotion more.
I absolutely think they should see us experience extreme emotions, AND see us make mistakes. Better yet if we can use either as a learning opportunity. “Is it ok that daddy felt so frustrated? (yes) How could daddy have communicated his frustration better? what are the consequences of his outburst (having to clean up, apologize, maybe he has a sore fist from punching a wall)? When he acted like that, did it make you scared? What could we as a family do differently next time” Then have daddy apologize and show that we make mistakes but gosh darn it, we learn from them. I certainly don’t think we should go out of our way to have a bad reaction to anger or frustration, but if it happens… it is ok to show our children that we are human.
Grief I approach slightly differently, because it can be a much longer lasting emotion. Yes, I have shown my children grief. Grief for mistakes, grief for losses. I’ve even had my kids- as young as toddlers- comforting me while I cried when they had no idea why I was sad.
We cry it out, talk it out… then try to move on in the face of the family. We try to acknowledge and allow those emotions without it coloring the atmosphere of our home in a permanent way. However, we’ve been fortunate to not have any major tragedies in our lives, so I don’t know how we would handle “big” grief.
I wonder if children actually experience the emotions of their parents in roughly the same way that their parents experience the emotions of other adults in the parents’ lives. Given how strong the children’s memories of strong emotional episodes of their parents tend to be, my guess is that what happens in a child’s mind and psyche witnessing parental emotional outbursts is profoundly different from what adults experience witnessing another adult’s emotional outburst. Maybe the difference is just that it’s new news to children when it first occurs. Maybe the difference is in the way children process experience. Maybe the difference is in the utter dependence of children on their parents and their profound security needs.
But I tend to think that kids’ experience of parental emotion is of a different magnitude — and maybe of a different kind — than adults’ experience of others’ emotions.
So I tend to err on the side of shielding children from the more extreme emotions. Or at least I try. I’m highly confident that my children get enough, even filtered, for them to internalize that everybody has angry or depressed or sad or elated or joyful feelings.
canadacole and Daaron put it really well when they said showing your emotions to your kids lets them learn how to cope with their own. How many short stories have I read where a child learns it’s not okay to express anger or sadness because their Dad would never talk to them about these things when it was present in their lives.
Kids aren’t dumb… they know that when mom and dad need some alone time to talk and close the door so that the yelling is muffled, that all is not well. They’ll find out where you are hiding, but lack of clarity about the situation will hold them in a state of anxiety.
The question is not whether to show emotions or not. It has always been a matter of personal accountability. The attempt to channel your own emotions in a healthy manner. Be an example.
We have to remember kids aren’t “kids.” They’re our brothers and sisters. Sometimes they are much more mature than you spiritually. Trust them. Treat them how you’d treat a friend, and they’ll be a friend. Treat them as an equal, who is less informed about some things in life.
This is why our culture needs REAL rites of passage, initiations into adulthood. It’s also a guide for parents who are confused about when to change their behavior towards their children. Baptism could be one of those things, but it’s become a part of the culture to coddle and bribe 8-year-olds into it, so what can you do?
I love Carissa’s comment.