Parenthood Juggle: Piano Lessons are Worth It

I didn’t yearn for a career.   Sometimes it feels like-looking back-that I just fell into it.   I was an excellent student in high school, but never felt like I knew what I wanted to do one day when I grew up.   One day I had to write an essay for a scholarship about my future career and how I felt about it.   I had one heck of a time coming up with something-anything-I might want to be.   So I turned to the old fallback-teaching.   As it turned out, that’s where I finally ended up, but not because I always wanted to be a teacher or that I always wanted to have a career.   I didn’t.   I thought I’d work awhile, and then be a stay-at-home-mom.

I don’t know if I ever wanted to work at a salary-paying job.   It was important that my husband have a job he loved and I was willing to work a while until he finished his education.   In college, I chose the shortest distance between two points:   teaching.   Teaching what?   First, it was English and then I switched to Spanish with an English minor, because it was the shortest way for me to get a bachelor’s degree and prepare to teach.   When Jim was in grad school, I taught 7^th and 8^th grade history and Spanish at a K-8 school on Long Island.   Then I had two daughters and substituted half-time for 5+ years.   I still wasn’t yearning for that career, but I knew I was crazy about my kids.   After the second was born (when the older one was only 14 months), I started grad school, which I had sworn I’d never do because I didn’t care enough.   It was an MA in Liberal Studies at the State University of NY at Stony Brook.   The classes were interesting and Jim was the prime mover.   I thought we were much too busy for me to take 6-9 hours a semester-and the girls were so young.   But I did it.   Got my MA during the same time Jim did his Ph.D.   Still no career fire burning in my belly.

For me, the hardest part of juggling what would become a career was finding suitable childcare.   When we lived in NY, I took the two babies to the home of a kind grandmotherly type they called “Nanny.”   She fed them breakfast and lunch, they seemed very happy, and if anything, she might have spoiled them a bit.   She kept the double stroller there and took them for a walk to “John’s Bargain Store” and bought them toys and gadgets.   For four years I paid her $8-10 a day.   At times when she wasn’t available, miscellaneous ladies from church kept them, but I didn’t feel as good about those arrangements.   So when Karin (my second oldest) lived in Pearland and was trying to arrange childcare for Synneve (her first child), I could empathize with how she felt.  

Jim’s first and last job took us to Texas where I had another daughter and substituted less.   Then it happened.   Someone contacted me to teach English to Vietnamese refugees after the war.   I thought I had no training, but I had a minor in English and I had language teaching methods from my Spanish teaching major.   That’s all the training there was.   The field was just in the developing stages.   It was in a continuing ed program two nights a week.   I really liked teaching English as a second language and there were students from so many countries and so much to learn from and with them.  

I actually thought about a Ph.D.   But what would I do with a Ph.D. in teaching English to second language learners?   And could I do it?   Three kids, a part-time job and grad school again?   I talked to some people at Texas A & M University (an hour away) and took the GRE on a lark.   I surprised myself and did well — 610 math and 590 English.   Math??   I didn’t think I had any aptitude and my last math class was high school geometry, some 25 years earlier.

A final baby and then another job offer.   When Brad was only six weeks old, I was offered an ESL job at a daytime learning center to include GED preparation.   It was 20-30 hours a week.   Could I do it with three growing girls and a new baby?   Did I want it enough to go for the PH.D.?   The girls were all three in school, but who would take care of such a young baby?   Melanie Fleck, a young sister from church, needed to earn some extra money and she volunteered.   It turned out to be a very special, nurturing environment.   She had a daughter for Brad to play with.   In his early speech, it was a little hard when he called her “Mommy” also.   He stayed there for 2 ½ years and then went off to the Treehouse, a daycare center with some 15 kids ages 2-5.   I shed some tears the first week or so he was there.

I began by taking some courses at the local university that I would eventually transfer to TAMU.   We were so busy.   Then when Brad was only 2 or 3, Jim and I began what would be a recurring battle with cancer and decided that because I might have to do this parenting stint solo, I’d better get serious about the Ph.D.   Going to grad school and having a job seemed legitimate because of the health issues.   I enjoyed the classes and eventually became director of an ESL program at the local university.   I was good at it.   So, in December 1991, at the ripe old age of 46-having worked mostly full-time for 10-12 years-I finished my Ph.D. and became director of a college reading, writing and math (mostly) remedial center while I also taught 2-4 grad and undergrad courses in linguistics, teacher prep, culture, and ESL methods to people preparing to become teachers.   My four children (then ages 13, 18, 22, and 23) all attended the graduating with my husband and gave an irreverent shout-out, “Yea, Mom!” as the college officials draped the hood around my neck.

That’s how I got there, but it doesn’t include being late to work because I had to drive a carpool, baby’s interminable ear infections, lots of stress, and making many decisions that didn’t put my children first.   I don’t think I went to PTA’s back-to-school nights for about ten years.   I loved our children the most, but spent most of my time trying to juggle a career with a very thoughtful and supportive department chair husband who was also a bishop and/or stake president at church.   It was truly a balancing act.   I bristled at one conference when the speaker suggested that women work to give their children piano lessons or new sweaters.   And so what?   Piano lessons are worth it.   I feel that even though I loved the kids like crazy, I was probably a better working mother than a SAHM.

I often questioned whether all the juggling and stress were worth it.  I knew I truly needed stimulation outside the home, but it worked best when I felt sure the kids were happy.   I really enjoyed earning money and feeling like a contributing partner.   We were able to take trips, provide all the children with enriching activities, and prepare financially for their college adventures.   The whole experience probably worked chiefly because of the flexibility of my husband’s employment as a history professor and his total support.   Sometimes it’s much more difficult without those two factors.   The kids complained now and then-we all did-but I think we all realized that being a full-time mom with a career was better for me than being a SAHM without a career.   I’ve said a hundred times:   “It’s all about choices,” and that’s so true.

And what about my adult children?   The first, a mother of five, has worked most of her life either full- or part-time as a teacher of Mandarin grades 6 through college. The second, also a mother of five, went to medical school and has worked out a medical career with some flexibility at this point in her life.   Number three, a mother of three, taught high school for six years and then got a Ph.D. and is an assistant professor of education.   Number four-our son-is a journalist with four children; his wife was an adoption social worker for a time.   They all work and it seems like they’ve all found ways to make the juggling be worthwhile.

-Submitted by Judy (Heather’s awesome mom)

See all the Parenthood Juggle guest posts here.   Go here for this guest post invitation.   Submissions should be sent to guestposts@dovesandserpents.org (please see our guest post guide).