Dear Kennedy, Marin, and Stuart,
Mother’s Day is tomorrow. Mother’s Day is not my favorite–for a whole host of reasons I’m quite sure y’all know about because I tend to not self-censor much with anyone. That includes y’all.
I woke up this morning and one of the first things I saw on Facebook was this meme from mormon.org which made me want to scoop my eyeballs out with a spork.
Speaking of scoops, here’s one from your mom, on Mother’s Day Eve:
You guys are awesome. You are amazing in every possible way–and then some. I cannot imagine life NOT as your mom (although I’m guessing y’all might have fantasized about your life with a different mom on multiple occasions . . .). I am LOVING watching y’all grow up. You are ambitious and hard-working and kind and smart and funny (oh, so funny) and quick-witted and curious. And you are also needy and demanding and sometimes I feel beleaguered by trying to fill all of your needs. And I tell you as much, which I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be doing, but maybe I’m doing you a favor: if you become a parent, you’ll go in eyes wide open–thanks to me!
Quite simply, I am your mom. Imagining my life otherwise is just crazy talk.
However, motherhood is not the essence of who I am. It does not define my identity. And it sure as hell doesn’t define my divine stature and nature. Motherhood is part of me, yes. One of many parts. I am also a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, an aunt, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law, a granddaughter, a professor, a writer, a blogger, a wanna-be runner, a jokester, a singer, a pianist, a Spanish speaker, a Mormon, a Texan, a CASA, a reader, a reader, a reader (yes, I know I included that 3X), a voter, a liberal, a Democrat, a community member, a public school advocate, a library lover, a citizen, an amateur photographer, a Diet Dr. Pepper aficionado, an overeater, a yo-yo dieter (dammit), and hopefully a bunch more things that I don’t know about yet. I’m on the verge of turning 40, so I hope to have many more years ahead of me to become more things.
And I would have been pretty much ALL of those things even if I had not been a mother. We could go round and round about the importance of each of those things, but I’m not interested in that (after all, clearly being a Diet Dr. Pepper aficionado is way more important in my life than being an overeater . . .). My point is not to say that motherhood isn’t important. I’ve devoted over 16 years of my life to the whole Motherhood-Project with many, many more to come. My point is to say that motherhood is just one part of me. It’s a part that I cherish (except for when I don’t), but it’s still just one part. Motherhood does not define me. It is not my essence. *I* am my essence. Me, Heather Olson Beal. I am all of those things. And I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had in life to develop all the parts of me–not just the motherhood part (and dangit, that one’s been tough).
I don’t wish for motherhood to define you, either (or fatherhood for you, Stuart). I want each of you to go out into the world and figure out what things/roles/activities/responsibilities/careers/endeavors define you and work on developing all of them. And if parenthood is one of those, I hope I am around to enjoy that part of your life with you. I will love getting to do the (few) things I’m good at with your (would-be) kids. Remember what you told me when you were about five, Kennedy: “Mom, you’re really not the best Pop Ramen maker. That’s Dad. And you’re really not the best pancake maker. That’s Dad. And you’re really not the best peanut butter and jelly maker. That’s Dad. Hmmm . . . I don’t even know what you’re good at! Hmmm . . . oh yeah. You’re a good book reader.”
So there you have it, folks. The essence of my identity as a parent: I’m literate. ;)
But I digress . . .
Lastly, if there is a god, I think they want us to go out and do good in the world. I don’t think the sole purpose of our time on this planet is to become parents. Figure out what your purpose is and work on fulfilling it. Don’t worry about god meting out divine judgment if you choose the “wrong” thing.
And if parenthood is not one of the things that help define you–whether by choice or otherwise–you can always call me. I’ll get it. And I will love all the parts of what make you you.
Brilliant, Heather. I love this so much. I am so glad you are such an open model of how to be a full person AND a mother. I have often felt like my own mother sacrificed her personhood for motherhood. I’m sure it was encouraged as a noble sacrifice that would bring her so many blessings.
But I don’t just want to know her as a mom. I really love knowing the parts of my mom that have nothing to do with her relation to me. I have seen her struggle to rediscover a lot of those things that were just shunted aside for so long, and I mourn that loss. I love her to death as my mother, but I think she’s really great as a whole person, and I wish she had felt empowered to develop that whole person more so I could get to know it more.
Awesome post. Just love it.
I love this. I love Kennedy’s five-year-old insight. I love that I finished reading this thinking of my mom and how great the work of parents is, while also not feeling like I have anything to apologize for because I’m not a mom myself.
So thanks.
You nailed it. I’m not a mother, but I’m all for celebrating the work mothers do. And yet Mothers’ Day still bugged me without being able to quite pin it down. This is it. (This, and the crass commercialism.) Thanks, mothers, for being mothers. I think that’s great. You are amazing for being mothers in addition to all the other cool things you are.
Amazing! I wish I’d heard this in YW, because it was something I instinctively knew, but I was the only one saying it.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to Sheri Dew.
Great job, and good advice for the ones coming along. This sentence made me think twice: “I don’t wish for motherhood to define you, either (or fatherhood for you, Stuart).”
It made me think, when do we ever, Ever, EVER define men by fatherhood? They’re not “working dads.” If you ask them what they do, their first answer is not going to be, “I’m a dad” (and if it is, people are surprised to hear that). Sure, we acknowledge men as fathers more now than we did 40 or even 10 years ago, but how many times to they get extra brownie points and kudos when they’re out in public wearing the sling or wiping noses?
It will be a welcome day, in my mind, when it seems as odd to define women by the role of “mother” as it does to define men by the role of “father”. Sure those roles are important and should be high priorities, but we all are so much more than our roles.
Heather, I could not love this more, nor relate to it any better. I just wish I had been the one to write it. Brilliant, my dear!
Loved this! Thank you!
Oh, thank you for this! I have a great work to do. Some of that is done in my home with my own children. Some of that is done with other people’s children. Where would those other people’s children be if I thought my own own family/home was the only important role I had?
I really really REALLY loved this! Thanks for writing it. It seems so rare to be validated in this way when I’m surrounded by people who just love quotes like that Sheri Dew one.
Um…preparing for flames, but…nowhere in that quote did Sheri Dew say that Motherhood is the ONLY thing that women are about and nothing else matters. They should do or be anything else. However, what women WILL be in the eternities is Mothers. Therefore, that role is the essence of who women are and will be, just like Fatherhood is to men. And just because someone doesn’t believe it doesn’t make it untrue.
Uhh, okay, Father for Eternity. If the only thing I WILL be in the eternities is a Mother, I’ll take a pass. I’ll be way past ready for a break from that by then.
“just like fatherhood is to men”
It’s easy to extend this to men, but the fact that this type of rhetoric is directed to women and isn’t directed to men by the Church is pretty telling, don’t you think?
Thank you, Heather. This is fabulous. I have felt the same way all my life, both before and after I became a mother. Yet, for many years I felt (and was made to feel) guilty for feeling this way. Now I am a grandma, and I love, love, love being a grandma, but it doesn’t define me any more than being a mother does. Albeit a very important one, it is just one of the many roles I play in life.
CatherineWO, I love knowing that you love being a grandma. I think I could dig that. We’ll see what happens with our kids! ;)
This is possibly one of the best things I’ve read about being a mom. You nailed how I feel perfectly. I’ve always felt that there is so much more to me than being a mother. I love it, but like you said, it’s only one aspect of me. Brilliant, just brilliant!
Your brilliant post just sums up so much of what I have been feeling lately. Thank you for putting in to words what I have not been able to. :)
I do not mean to be snarky, but every time time I hear this kind of quote from Sherri Dew, I always wonder if she has some kind of double personality in creating quotes like this, essentially based on the Proclamation, when she is not a wife or a mother. I read a commenter a couple years ago who wondered if she almost sees her self as a female, (but with male power) who feels responsible to the patriarchal system, to be the token woman, but to keep that position, she must find ways to reinforce the patriarchy by “witnessing” to women what they should be. The author of the comment pointed out that she had hundreds, maybe thousands of quotes that essentially testify that she is not living a proper life, for a woman, based on her own interpretation of doctrine.
I haven’t actually read any of her books, but as more of her quotes are turned into memes, that comment has seemed more and more insightful. I find almost every meme of her quotes, that seem completely put of sinc with the choices she made in her life. Almost the classic, do what I say, not what I do, with all the money and status that comes with running Deseret Book.
To change mental direction, I really love this letter to your children, and I think that it is important to let children know that you, and they, are more than any particular role they might have. I personally have watched as my grandmother (after the death of my grandfather about 6 weeks ago, has had the burden of caring for him lift off her shoulders, and her joy at moving in with my parents, and being close to great-grandchild, and their parents too. :-) I lived with my grandparents for 6 months in high school, after a suicide attempt, while she was a very respected teacher. If you go back in time, you find a mother, who went back to school when her two children were in school, so that she could get her teaching license. A little farther back, she was a brand new mother, whose husband was in Fort Sill, Oklahoma having a baby at 19, glad that her husband was good enough at training men to go to Korea, that he didn’t have to go herself. Just a few years before, she was a bride, married to her college boyfriend between her junior and senior year of high school, not because she was pregnant or disgraced, but because they were in love, and her parents agreed to the marriage as long as she finished high school.
So, everyday she would go to high school and he would go to college, and every night they came home to each other. For 62 years, they came home every night to each other, no matter what else was going on. My Nana is a great example of a woman who was a mother, but who was not defined by that role. I hope I live up to my heritage. :-)
i think sheri dew and her supporters would respond that the only reason she isn’t a wife and mother is because she hasn’t had the opportunity. in which case it’s completely fine to be independent and employed and in the public eye etc etc, as long as you don’t forget how important motherhood is. eh?
Heather, you know that I love this, of course. Great job. And I totally agree that this should be a YW lesson. I’m still trudging through all the bad “motherhood” lessons I received in YW and trying to dismantle them in my mind. Love this, and you. Good job girl. And Happy Mom Day.
So you’re saying that even though I’m not a mother [yet], I still have an essence and an identity?
Yes, Michelle! I’m sure you have an amazing essence and identity!
Wonderful post, Heather. Loved it!
Loved this. Your kiddos are blessed to have such an honest and funny mama (your humor gets me rolling every time)! The last two paragraphs really spoke to me and what I hope for my own kids, too (and for myself, as finding that purpose seems to be ever shifting!).
Ah, Heather. I just love you. You are so honest. So gut-wrenchingly, perfectly honest. Your words are such a valuable touchstone in the fog of guilt-making rhetoric.
Great post, Heather! I love your list of all the different roles/likes/avocations that define you in addition to being a mother.