As Mother’s Day approaches, it’s the usual time I psychologically rent a limo so I can take my inevitable guilt trip in style.
Leading up to this day of celebration, stories of the women who gave all they have for their children seem to come out of the woodwork. Mothers who happily go without personal time, adult interaction, hygiene, exercise and even sanity to make time to play with their children. Women who go without any kind of luxury and sometimes even food to ensure their children have the very best. They are women who know their most important job is raising their children. They embrace it and honor it and are fulfilled by it.
I start to wonder if I’m that kind of mom. And then Wally (5) sneaks up to my Diet Coke to steal a sip and I squawk as if he’s robbing an egg from my nest. And I know. I’m not. I never was. And probably will never be.
Instead, I’m the kind of mother who counts the minutes until bedtime and skips the story if I’m too tired. I’m the kind of mother who turns all the field trip forms in late and serves cold cereal for dinner. I’m the kind of mother who uses the TV as a babysitter. I’m the kind of mother who (ouch) yells when I’m at wit’s end. I’m the kind of mother who does not thrive on self sacrifice, but feels lonely and resentful and completely unfulfilled by motherhood. None of these make me proud.
Normally that’s where my story ends. I vow to do better and then spend six months belittling my abilities and wondering why I ever even had children since and what deficient character trait makes me unable to “know” like other moms.
But I’m taking a detour from my traditional trip, determined that Mother’s Day will hold no guilt for me. The pieces of motherhood I resent are a part of, but not the definition of the job. The part of motherhood I love, the part that energizes me and sustains me and I do well is worth celebrating even if it doesn’t look anything like the other mothers who “know.”
Because I’m also the kind of mother who follows her hair-brained ideas, children in-tow. I’m the kind of mother who takes (drags?) her children to political rallies, unfamiliar churches, family reunions, recitals, museums, roadtrips across the country, plane trips across the world and anywhere I can to pass along a sense of adventure.
I’m the kind of mother who camps even though she hates it, who plays in the snow even though it’s miserably cold, who jumps off the high dive and bungees off bridges even though she’s terrified, who wakes up at 5am to run even though she’s tired and slow, and who plants a garden even though she’s suckish at it (their word, not mine) to help them understand grit and determination.
I’m the kind of mother who makes wickedly cool costumes for Halloween and book reports, dances to salsa music for breakfast on Cinco de Mayo, and is always good for a prank on April Fool’s Day, so they feel the celebration of life.
I’m the kind of mother who relishes her child’s friendship with the girl at school who speaks no English and “barks like a dog”, who sings Happy Birthday with her kids to the homeless man at the restaurant, and who shows up at service projects, even planning a few of her own, to show them humanity, that there’s a need for us beyond ourselves.
I’m the kind of mother who would be honored to die saving my child’s life, who stood between the angry dog and her 8 year old, who steals kisses every chance she gets, who goes to check in on them “one more time” before going to bed, and who will always make them call home, because I love them to pieces.
But I’m also the kind of mother who has passions beyond them. I’m the kind of mother who loves alone time with their father, working at a career and retreating with friends. And so should they.
I’m starting to embrace the idea that despite the moments of despair, I am actually getting more out of this arrangement we have than they are, I am the one doing the most “growing up”; better yet, I can see that they do not expect nor want me to sacrifice my hopes and dreams and friendships and self in their name.
And despite their protests of my meanness and my complete lack of understanding what it’s like to be them, I have a little inkling that they love me too.
What kind of parent are you?
Well, Mel, that was a great article. I want to grow up to be a mama like you!!
To answer the question, I am a mama that lets my children do most anything they want with whatever materials they can find to work with. They spend a LOT of time ALONE creating and creating and creating. They also make choices that make them grow into wise human beings as a result of their learning from their own experience the good from the evil. Out of necessity, to keep my own sanity, I give them LOTS of space and time. I really love the results I have seen from those who have left home AND the youngest little creative guy whose mind NEVER stops working.
Thanks for making me look at the positive side of being a mother. That guilt trip you mentioned has paralyzed me in the past, more than once. I never was one who ‘knew’ and am certain I never will be.
Loved to hear that Gail. There are so many different ways to be a great mother, so many different strengths we can pass on to our children. I remember how guilty I felt with my first because I didn’t enjoy wearing her. So many other mothers seemed to bond with their babies in this way, and to me it just felt like continuing the pregnancy and made me resentful. Turns out I had a baby who has a fierce need for space herself, who would cry as I tried to rock her to sleep, but seemed to enjoy time in her crib before falling asleep. I am hopeful the children who get attachment style parenting are the children who need it and those who get independence are those who need it. The problem comes when we attach some type of moral superiority to the type of mothering we do.
Mel, I love this so much, it’s hard to know where to begin. It’s so important that we evaluate ourselves and recognize our strengths as mothers–especially when our strengths are not the ones that society pushes or that church doctrine (in my case) insists are divinely bestowed upon me. Wow. No pressure.
I have often told myself that if nothing else, my kids will know how hard it is to be a parent. I will have modeled that reality to them for as long as I’m their mom. They will no delusions if/when they become parents about how hard it is.
I’m that kinda mom. ;)
My own mother is super organized, so I just assumed that’s what all mothers are. I’m nearing 40 and I still don’t know what’s for dinner every night. But I also am able to tolerate more of the natural chaos of having a bunch of kids around. I think each of these strengths has a weak counterpart, but adding in the “divinely bestowed” makes us focus on the weakness and not see it’s opposing strength.
My oldest daughter (13) doesn’t want to be a mother, she says she has a “life plan” and it’s not included. For a while, I felt like I had let her down by not making this look fun enough, but now I just accept that that’s where she is.
I’d love to hear what other kinda mom you are :)
Hmmm . . .
I’m the kind of mom who reads to her kids pretty much every night (except for Kennedy now, darnit, who decided she was too old for that a while back) and sometimes falls asleep while reading and starts saying weird things until one of the kids offers to pick up where I started drooling! We just finished reading The Hobbit (that was a hard one) and have been watching the LOTR movies for 2+ weeks (they’re long!!). My absolute favorite times with the kids are reading to them at night. I’m the kind of mom who remembers to sign permission slips and pays for dance lessons on times and signs them up for activities that I know they’ll love (and then I get the babysitter to take them to said activities). I’m the kind of mom who remembers that someone needs a special pair of socks for her new shoes or needs more shampoo and goes to the store at 10 p.m. to get it for them. I’m the kind of mom that leaves a little note for each kid every time I go out of town for work and makes sausage egg burritos for them on TAKS or LEAP day (state tests) even though I think the tests are bogus and luckily, I know my kids are going to do well on them–because THEY think they’re supposed to have a special breakfast on those days. And I’m the kind of mom who occasionally buys just the right flavor of Pop Tart for the other 99% of days!!
(But MOSTLY, I’m the kind of mom who RELISHES time away from my kids. I love to read and write and talk to Brent without them. I love and enjoy my kids SO much more now that they’re older and I can more easily get that time away.)
LOVE it. Really. Isn’t it cool that we don’t have to say how much we sacrifice to do the things we love to do for them – you don’t have to go into a diatribe about how much free time you give up to make sure they are exposed to the best of literature even though you’re so tired you can barely stay awake – blah, blah blah. Instead you get to tell us how much you enjoy it. I don’t think they really want us to be the martyr (though there are plenty of times we all would welcome a helicopter rescue).
Mel, this is so wonderful to read. I feel bogged down by all the Hallmarkish stories I hear this time of year. I’m glad to hear how you are with your kids, especially so I don’t feel like the only yelling mom in the world. Thanks for being you. It makes it a little bit easier to be me :)
That was the hardest part for me to admit publicly, I’m working so hard at this one so thank you for not judging me and I’m returning the favor. I’d like to hear the kind of mom you are too, the things you feel you uniquely offer your children.
Oh, dear. I think all the yelling moms in the world need to stand and be counted.
And yelling Dads?
Perhaps we don’t need to stand though… we can just shout from our chairs.
Someone brought this up on my FB wall. I said I didn’t mean to discriminate, but in my experience, dads don’t feel guilty about yelling at their kids the way moms do (or anything else, for that matter).
I can probably count on one hand the times Brent has yelled at the kids–and we’re in this whole parenthood project 14 years.
One more thing–you don’t seem like a yeller, Andy. You and your FB pics of your adorable girls. How could anyone yell at them?? ;)
That’s really interesting… I think I tend to shout when I need to get the attention of the girls, and they’re not engaging, too busy with what they’re doing. It works pretty well: they pay attention, and stop fighting/running out towards the road/etc. I don’t like how occasionally it upsets them, but I suppose I don’t generally feel guilt about it. The exceptions have been when I felt like I shouted out of my own frustration, rather than a need to engage their attention.
Brent’s achievement is admirable! He doesn’t seem like a yeller, either: What are his tactics? :)
Umm, yeah, Andy, I didn’t mean yelling at the kids to save them from sudden death. I meant yelling out of frustration. Ha!
Mel, this is such a profound and beautiful post. I will be sending it to all the Mamas in my life for Mother’s Day.
I am the kind of mama who has to give herself time-outs because I am so patient, until I’m really not. I’m the kind of mother who takes a shower and my time getting dressed in the morning, before I get the kids ready or even talk to them. I am the kind of mother who truly enjoys cooking for my family, makes my kids snack on apples and sends boring lunches to school, but feels no guilt about giving them sweets, the occasional cereal dinner or take away. I am the kind of mama who loves solitude, is counting down the mintues until my youngest starts school and enjoys my children so much more if I’ve had time to myself during the day. I am the kind of mother who loves reading to the children and taking them to the library, but doesn’t alway remember to help with homework. I am the kind of mother who loves going on long walks to count snails and look for butterflies, but forgets to make them clean their rooms each day. I am the kind of mother who reads in the children’s classes, joined the PTA and has tried to go to every play and assembly I’m invited to, but gets lost in my own thoughts and unavailable if I’m in the middle of writing something. I am the kind of mama who loves her children fiercely, but feels they are fully separate from me.
Thanks Heidi. I hope you’ll add what kind of mama you are when you send this because I loved reading it. There was a time where it would have just added to my guilt (the thought alone of the library with my rowdy children gives me a panic attack :)) but now I just want to celebrate this crazy ride with you.
For me, once I recognized the value of my own contributions, I don’t feel as much guilt when I’m “not that kind of mom” (a phrase my sister and I share). I am “not the kind of mom” who takes treats to school for my kid’s birthday. It doesn’t sound that hard, but I put so much other energy into other parts of making their birthday special that this feels like just too much. This year, I let myself be guilted into it. So I show up to school, start handing out the ice cream sandwiches to the 1st grade, and half way through realize my math was off and I won’t have enough. I then have to gather them back up and hand out 1/2 sandwiches. oy. I can focus on what a loser I am for not being able to count ice cream sandwiches or I can focus on the fact that I am the kinda mama who throws killer birthday parties and oozes about the day they were born to them all day.
Mel – great OP. I can relate! I’m the kind of mom who hates reading bedtime stories so I embellish them to make them sound like a horror movie. I’m the kind of mom who raises kids on a steady diet of sarcasm that I reap in return. I’m the kind of mom who hates the sound of whining, so I pretend to be a drama coach and tell the kids to give me their complaint again in a voice like a frightened old lady or a professional wrestler. I’m the kind of mom who observed to my son that the pears our helper cut up tasted like sweat, which sounds like political commentary but was actually just food criticism.
Being a mom is great – but often only in retrospect. I too dislike talks exalting women as if they have the bland two-dimensional personalities of a face on a cake mix box. Those are talks by men who don’t really know women or only know women who don’t know themselves. Any woman who claims she’s never raised her voice to her kids needs to get her hearing checked.
Can I adopt the drama coach MO? Totally credit you. I’ll say hat tip hawkgrrrl, now give me your complaint again in the voice of yoda. Can’t wait.
I’m the kind of Mum who loves to watch her kids having fun and although I love to join in sometimes, hopes that really they’ll learn that they can do it by themselves. I’m the kind of Mum that gives lots of hugs and kisses and praise. I’m the kind of Mum that let’s her kids make their own decisions, and mostly tries to accommodate what they ask me to do, in the hope that they will feel that they will do the same for me. I’m the kind of Mum who likes being a ‘Mum’ part-time best and loves Dad to do the hard stuff, which for me is early mornings, bedtimes and dinnertime.. although I do do my fair share too! I’m the kind of Mum who isn’t always sure if I should have become a Mum, but then sees her beautiful girls playing and just smiles from ear to ear… I love my girls! (but I can’t wait until they are a little older!)
Love this, Helen. I’m quite unsure as to whether I should’ve embarked on this whole parenting endeavor, but I of course do love my kids and can’t imagine live without them. AND I am so happy that they are older. Yes, indeed.
Thanks Helen, sounds like those girls have such a great home. I like Dad to do the hard things to, which for me includes wrestling on the floor. And there’s something magical that happens to me (on the other side of the pond) when you swap the o for u, it just makes the Mum job sound that much cooler.
Wonderful thoughts, Mel!
I’m the kind of mom who loved watching TV with a newborn in her arms and who can’t get enough of that fresh-out-of-the-oven smell, but was SO happy to hand my baby to open and willing arms other than my own. I’m the kind of mom who panics when her phone rings, because it probably means I forgot to pick someone up — again. I’m the kind of mom who makes the best gourmet meals, but my children only rave about my scrambled eggs. I’m the parent who never does bedtime at the same time and who forgets to make lunch. I’m the kind of mom who makes a chore chart every month with elaborate incentive programs, but only follow through with it for about 3 days. I’m no good at remembering daily homework, but great at elaborate and fun projects. I’m the mom who thinks I must be doing something right if I’m deemed, “the meanest mom in the world”, and I’m not afraid to let my kids experience shitty days. I’m the kind of mom who says “shit” and thinks it’s a vital part of my nurturing role to teach the little buggers how to use curse words skillfully. I’m the kind of mom who answers big questions with, “are you sure you want to know the answer?”, because I always tell the truth – I am the go-to girl for all questions about reproduction, puberty and bodily functions. I am the one who pretends she can’t hear them when they whine, and says “you must be whining — I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear you!”, and the mom who loves independent, snarky teenagers. I give long hugs and foot rubs to tired feet. I don’t want them to grow up and move out and this ride to be over, but I love watching them do it. I love watching who they are becoming and getting to know them daily.
I couldn’t help laughing about the phone and the cussing. My brand new teenager wore eyeliner yesterday for the first time (outside of dance recitals and play) and I so felt these words of yours “I don’t want them to grow up and move out and this ride to be over, but I love watching them do it.”
I couldn’t help laughing from experience about the phone and the cussing. My brand new teenager wore eyeliner yesterday for the first time (outside of dance recitals and play) and I so felt these words of yours “I don’t want them to grow up and move out and this ride to be over, but I love watching them do it.”
I”m the kind of mom who loves to do fun things with the kids: play games, go on trips, show them the world. I try hard to teach them to have empathy and respect and to show kindness to others. But I dread the housekeeping part of it all. It seems to take so much time. I understand the need to teach my kids how to work, to study, to practice and try to work with them whenever I can. I often use the momma bear analogy: what good would a momma bear be if she didn’t teach her cubs to fish for salmon, hunt for berries, stay safe, etc. The line that best describes me is in a Berenstain’s Bears book about family problems and kids fighting. It goes something like this – “And Momma Bear usually so calm blows up like a summer thunderstorm.”
I think my kids realize that we are all in this together. I am doing my best and expect them to as well as we travel through the adventure of being a family.
I’m going to remember the momma bear and the summer thunderstorm. Love it, thanks!
Bravo!!! Thank you so much for this post! You just described all the reasons I feel guilty and dread mother’s day, but also described the kind of mother, like you, that I am. thank you for helping me to see it in a WHOLE new WAY!!!
XoXo—Happy Mother’s Day {early}
Thanks Michele – join me for the joy ride and tell us what kind of mom you are!
Sounds to me like you’re an awesome mom. And if it’s any consolation, I hated that “mothers/women who know” talk by Sis. Beck (were you actually referring to it, or did I imagine this?).
It’s hard at times to not feel guilty about how we handle motherhood. There are so many voices out there shouting all kinds of messages at us of what we should do or be, but in the end none of the “shouters” actually have to do our job. Urgh. I’m glad you found so many things that you feel you’re doing well. Maybe I should give that a try…
I hope you will give it a try Fran. The joy ride is much funner than the guilt trip, and I am seriously LOVING hearing all these responses.
I loved reading this, it made me smile and it’s nice to be reminded that we all do it differently that’s exactly how it should me.
I’m the kind of Mum who is really happy I ended up with two girls because I love to shop for pretty things. I’m the kind of Mum who turns up the radio really loud in the car and gets my kids to sing along at the top of their lungs. I’m the kind of Mum who buys a ridiculous amount of underwear so I can leave longer gaps between doing the laundry (and still sometimes have to resort to blow drying knickers with my hairdryer). I’m the kind of Mum who constantly gets reminders from the library to bring their books back. I’m the kind of Mum who secretly looks forward to going back to work when I’ve been on leave for more than a week. I’m the kind of Mum who likes to keep my babysitters sweet so I can take off with my friends for a night on the town every now and again. I’m the kind of Mum who shows pictures of my kids to anyone who shows the slightest interest and I’m not content until they agree that they are the most beautiful creatures on the planet. I’m the kind of Mum who will bitch about my kids from time to time but will jump down the throat of anyone else who tries to.
I too have a large amount of knickers, and Cara will now put on a pair of cycle shorts as pants if she hasn’t got clean ones in her drawer.. oh dear! I also have late notices on books all the time – so glad that kids books don’t have any late fees :)
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