My wife and I were enjoying one of our post-children’s-bedtime quality hours (by which I mean catching up on season 3 of Downton Abbey) when I told her about the recent post on Doves and Serpents by a Computational Biologist/Mormon Mother and her feelings of desperation during her maternity leave. I was reminded of the college sociology class that introduced me to Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique. This was not my favorite class, in that I had been working full-time and going to school full-time for 3 years by then and I was. . .beat. . .down. I didn’t really get along with the professor, and I detested sociology with the fire of a thousand suns. No offense to sociologists intended; I’m sure you are nice people and your work is important.
Perhaps it was my cheerless state of mind that caused the tone of quiet desperation in The Feminine Mystique to stick with me.
I thought of my own wife, a Stay At Home Mother by choice, crocheting a blanket for our forthcoming third (and by mutual decision, final) daughter while we grabbed an hour of grown-up TV time. I wondered if she also felt this way, like she was quietly dying to leave the home, and I asked her if that was the case.
She said that some days taking care of the kids was crazy difficult, and it was always better if she got some time at the gym, but that she would not like to work before the kids were all in school. She would feel guilty leaving our children with someone else every day and would see that as a selfish choice on her part. Besides, isn’t that one of the major points of the feminist movement? To be able to choose not to do the stuff other people think you should be doing?
Once all the kids were past kindergarten, she would like to work, but she wanted a job that was flexible, so she could be there when they came home from school, or stay home if they were sick. I thought to myself, “What kind of a job is that?” If I left every day at 2:30 to be home for the kids, that would be frowned upon by my bosses. By frowned upon, I mean I would be invited to join the ranks of the unemployed.
Part of me knows, however, that if anyone can find a job like this, it will be my wife. For a while it was teaching an elective art class at the local elementary school, then later she provided daycare for a friend. Interestingly, the daycare job was so her friend could go to work while her husband looked for a job. Our house is less than a mile from where my wife grew up and that places her firmly inside a support network of friends, parents, sisters and other helpers that allow her to be a Stay At Home Mother. Some of this network is church related, but I would say only about 1 person in 10. The village is raising my children, a village that my wife has created with a winning personality and sense of humor, and that is good and right. These are the same things that attracted me to her in the first place, even though I knew her Fine Art printmaking degree might not be as fulfilling monetarily as some other career tracks. Many other career tracks. Okay, pretty much any other career track.
Most of the time, our arrangement with the village works out fine. I mean, it’s a tangled web of favors and compulsion that in some ways resembles an organized crime syndicate, but other than that it’s real friendly. I must say, though, there are times when I am toiling away at something stupid at work (I am a graphic designer, so stupidity here ranges from picking the best urinary catheter stock photo to photoshopping away the CEO’s facial blemishes) when I think how nice it will be when our kids are all in school and my wife can earn some money (you could almost buy one college textbook with the money I have saved for my children’s college expenses.) I don’t care what job she does, just as long as it produces more money than it consumes. I hope she feels fulfilled in this part-time, flexible commitment, Mother-friendly job, because if we ever have to rely on MY village, the one I have crafted with social awkwardness and a pronounced inability to remember people’s names, we are in serious trouble.
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I hope she find it too. Those jobs are far a few between. I ended up going back to school so that I can get training while still being flexible. My youngest is now in school all day. I can get a lot done. I really hope industry gets the clue that they could have amazing employes who would be willing to work part time.
I know, right. It’s really unfortunate that we have a system that is either full time or stay at home. There is a lot of untapped potential there, both for employees and employers.
My husband has that job. He sets his own hours and can work from home when he wants. I’m seriously considering trying for a degree in his field and a job in the same company when our kids start school, which makes me feel like a copy cat. It would be so worth it for that flexibility though.
That doesn’t sound like copycatting, that sounds smart. What kind of a job is that, if you don’t mind me asking?
Love the humor in this piece, Colin. And I hope she finds that flexible job, too. I would like to copycat my husband and become a professor, because although he is crazy busy, he can often work from home if need be. I would love to have that same option when my kiddles are in school.
Thanks Dayna, my wife says that I can only be funny on accident. Ha!
As much as I joke, having a job really helped her, both in an economic sense and also a self-confidence sense. She just got put on bed rest for the last few months of her pregnancy, so I know it’s getting bad when the sewing machine takes up half the dinner table and there are puffs of batting stuck all over the carpet. She loves her kids, but needs an outlet, you know?
I love this, Colin.
Dayna, I love the flexibility that academia provides. And I think it works really well when both spouses are in academia. Do it!!
Thanks Heather!
Do you think with the free online classes offered by Coursera and others now earning actual credit that the academic job market will get even tighter?
I am a Speech Pathologist by trade but am currently home with three children 6 and under. When I was talking to a friend about this very thing (what kind of job can I get once my kids are in school that will be super-flexible and allow me to be home when they get home) she suggested substitute teaching. No meetings, no reports and when they call I can say “No” if I have a sick kid or a doctor appointment. Brilliant. I have such smart friends.