This post is the fourth in a series of posts regarding religion, teenagers, and sexuality. You can see the rest of the posts here.
One little snippet in Regnerus’s book (Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers) that has implications far beyond just sexuality is the way in which sources of morality influence teenagers’ decision-making. Regnerus identifies two categories: the “God-or-Scripture” group-which tries to do what they think God or Scripture tells them to do-and the “Parent-Respected Adult” group, which tries to do what a parent, teacher, or other respected adult tells them to do.
In terms of sexuality, Regnerus says that 50% of the God-or-Scripture group report contraceptive use while 69% of the Parent-Respected Adult group do so. Almost 10% of the God-or-Scripture group report that they never use contraception while only 2% of the Parent-Respected Adult group never use it. It seems pretty clear to me that teenagers who rely on a parent or other respected adult are doing the right thing here. What’s the explanation for this gap? Regardless of your opinions about teenagers having sex, everyone thinks kids should use contraception, right? Right?
As a parent, I’m intrigued by these categories. At the risk of sounding like a godless heathen, I’ll just say that the idea of my kids relying on God or Scripture as a source of authority worries me. The Bible tells us to do a lot of crazy stuff. Back during the Proposition 8 debacle, I remember reading this blog post and thinking it really packed a punch. Oh, sure, we could dismiss all that because it’s in the Old Testament, but the New Testament has some crazy stuff in it as well. Mark 10: 11-12 forbids divorce. First Corinthians 14: 34-35 forbids women from speaking in church. Okay, it’s taken out of context, yadda yadda yadda.
My point is that if I could choose whether to have my kids pay heed to a trusted/respected adult or rely on either what they think God wants them to do or what’s been recorded as scripture, I think I’d take the Parent-Respected Adult option in a New York minute. Judging from what’s been recorded in scripture, God sends some pretty mixed signals, doesn’t he/she?
Let’s take a much simpler issue than sex and look at what various gods have to say about what people should/shouldn’t eat. The Mormon God tells us we shouldn’t drink coffee or beer or smoke. The Muslim God and the Jewish God tells adherents not to eat pork. Hindus don’t eat beef. Catholics don’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent. So whose dietary restrictions are the ones God really wants us to follow? It’s all pretty confusing.
My oldest is 14. I feel my influence waning with her, although I see occasional glimmers of acknowledgement from her that I might still have a tiny bit of knowledge or two about life. So if my influence is waning, to whom do I hope she looks for advice? What sources will she rely on to help her make important life decisions? Do I want her in the God-or-Scripture group or in the Parent-Respected Adult group? Or should I hope she can work her way comfortably into both groups?
I definitely agree, but I suspect at least some people would answer “wrong” here. They might argue that it’s important for kids to suffer the consequences if they’re going to have sex. Or they may just be opposed to birth control in general (although I assume people arguing this would be fewer).
I also like the Parent-Respected Adult option over the God-or-Scripture option. Certainly if you’re going to raise your kids as religious, I think it’s crucial to have a parent or respected adult helping kids to interpret which scriptural stuff we’ll listen to and which we’ll ignore.
I like a synthesis, I think … Parent-Respected Adult who shares wisdom, some of which may have been gleaned from God-or-Scripture, but I’m with you, Heather. I think that there is a lot of clear clear information in the Bible about how we are supposed to treat each other and how we should trust in God and worship him, but very little information on sexuality/sexual practices. Even if I accept the scriptures as true and inspired, I’m still left without much to go on. An LDS person might argue that we have the benefit of modern prophets as well. That too is problematic for me, at least with regards to sexuality. And don’t get me started on “For the Strength of Youth”. I believe that much of that little pamphlet is damaging and though I grew up pre-For the Strength of Youth, I was raised on its proto-principles. The fruits of such a fear-based approach aren’t (all) healthy, let me tell you! I grew up chaste as all get out, scared out of my mind. Sure, I was following God-or-Scripture AND Parent-Feared Adult, but the path I followed them down is NOT one I want my children to follow.
I agree with you that I prefer the trusted adult approach to the scriptural one. Who are the adults who will be trusted by teenagers? It certainly varies with the teen, but there are a number of options. One of my daughters always came to me personally with questions and for advice. My youngest daughter relied on her older sister (the one who always came to me). I have a thirteen-year-old grandson who often talks to me about things he would never approach with his parents. One of my daughters and her husband are high school teachers, and they are clearly the “trusted adults” for a number of teenagers. In fact, they were trusted enough that one of their students, who became pregnant her senior year, gave her baby to them in an open adoption. (For the record, they didn’t even know she was pregnant before she came to them with her parents and asked if they would raise her child.)
” Regardless of your opinions about teenagers having sex, everyone thinks kids should use contraception, right? Right?”
Many years ago I was a community outreach worker for LDS Family Services (then LDS Social Services), often speaking to and with teenagers and/or their parents. I had this same idea, that if teenagers are going to have sex, they should be using birth control. I was amazed at how many parents disagreed with me, mainly because they were so in denial that “their” teens would ever have sex that they didn’t want anyone talking to them about birth control. I think this is still the case with many parents I know today, especially in the LDS Church. It’s the old idea that “good kids” don’t use birth control. Unfortunately, good kids still get pregnant and have STDs.
Okay, so I’m in a little bubble. I would guess that EVERYONE would be in favor of kids using contraception.
My older sisters tell me that our mom took them to Planned Parenthood when they were teenagers–and neither was sexually active. For some reason, she didn’t do that with me (third child syndrome??), but clearly my mom preferred the contraception route to the potentially unplanned pregnancy route. That is a no-brainer to me.
Heather–
What a tough question you have posed. Obviously, relying on God and scripture is shaky because we still (especially in our youth) get our interpretation of God and scripture from other people.
But relying on parents or respected adults is a problem for kids who lack responsible adults in their lives. Maybe the solution is to teach kids to base their decisions on careful research of the consequences involved.
I like the idea of teaching children to research for themselves. I don’t want mine to do anything I say just because I’m their parent, and I don’t want them believing or conforming at church for that reason either. Even with my almost 8 year old, we’re teaching her to own her nutrition choices. We give her the information she needs to make a decision on something that is important to us, and then we make it her choice and encourage her to do what it takes to understand it as best she can. We will do the same thing for subjects like church membership and sex I imagine and make them options and actions that she chooses (or not) based on as much knowledge as she can handle.
Of course, the trick is battling what she hears at church/school verses home. I do want her to come to the same conclusions I have and give more credence to my sources over others, so I guess I fall into the category of reliance on parents VS God from scripture, but I guess the only way to help them be true to their own path and no one else’s is to teach children to rely on the God that is really there, not simply the one from religious sources. But I haven’t really managed to do this well myself, so I’m not quite sure how to teach it.
Gah! Owning nutrition choices. This is hard for me.
@Course Correction–I agree that it’s not an easy question. I hope my post didn’t imply that the answer was settled in my mind. What if the adults my kids decide to trust are not trust-worthy? Then what? What if they have different values than mine?
My husband was also saying that he didn’t like either category and wanted to lobby for a third box–a box for using your own brain to make decisions, which is similar to what you suggested.
I like that idea, although it also seems clear that we don’t live in a vacuum. We’re all influenced by the people with whom we interact–church leaders, neighbors, friends, teachers, etc. That’s a lot of input for kids to sort through, isn’t it? I guess that’s part of growing up . . .
My (LDS, 30 yr old) brother-in-law mentioned once how he wouldn’t ever want his teenagers to use birth control so they’d learn the consequences of their choices, and I was appalled. I thought this was a no-brainer too, but am surprised to find the idea still prevalent! And here I thought they’d be the guardians in our will…
Whah??? Okay, Anita. Apparently I am definitely living in a little bubble. This is madness. I had a friend whose parents used to say this nonsense, too . . . and then two of their children had sex before marriage. Then what? Then you eat crow as a parent, right? Because certainly at that point, you don’t really mean that, right??
I can’t believe this… surely he wouldn’t stand by that in a cool-headed reassessment. And SURELY not if it actually came down to the reality of that scenario.
Although, perhaps if he’s got a particular enthusiasm for babysitting…?
I find that position to be appallingly immoral (and un-Mormon, really). What about the babies these underage kids are having as the “consequence?” They are innocent.
Sure: how’s life, living as a cautionary tale for your community?
I must say that I am puzzled whenever I hear the news of another pregnant teenager. I so often think to myself. Why? I understand the instinct and desire for sex. But, I don’t understand how it is possible to not know about contraceptives. Or do all teenagers know, but they don’t know how to get a hold of them? I know I would rather have my kids trust me with a mingling of God and scriptures. But, I’m not altogether certain that I will get to choose which way or who my kids are going to trust. My parents certainly didn’t raise me to think for myself. I intend to go the route of my mother-in-law. She told my teenage husband that she knew that he had been taught that it is best to wait for sex, but that if he couldn’t, that she wanted him to be protected and she would get him condoms.
I also think that some parents don’t trust their kids with condoms. Perhaps that’s because condoms is what they were using when they found out they got pregnant with that kid. And therefore these Mormon parents think that the truest form of protection is the oral contraceptive form. I only know of one LDS mom who put her daughter on the pill for this reason. Most other mormon parents would think that this would be giving your daughter permission to fool around. Now this theory doesn’t say anything for sons, but I have talked to other parents who were debating back and forth about putting their daughters on oral contraceptives to protect their daughters from pregnancy.
Hmmm, ok, what I don’t get is why it has to be so black and white. Sure, it seems like those kids who go with the parent/trusted adult route, are more responsible in regards to contraceptives, but ya know…it’s not like the God-following kids were totally off on that route. There could be numerous reasons why the God-following kid isn’t using contraceptives as much (one of them maybe being that they weren’t planning on having sex, and therefore were unprepared, or maybe those God-following kids don’t have a good relationship with their parents, making them rely solely on God, while those parenting-kids also rely on God, but have a great relationship with their parents and indicate that as the greatest influence…).
Anyway, to be honest, I don’t want my kids to be either the parent-followers or the God-followers alone. I want them to be both, and neither. I don’t want my kids to do stuff just because I said so. I’m not always right. I also don’t want them to do stuff just because they thought God said so – because their idea of what he really meant might be off. I’d hope that it’s a mix of taking in my wise council, combined with following the inspiration and understanding they receive from the Holy Ghost, combined with a dose of healthy thinking for yourself, and studying things out. Would I’d prefer my kids use contraceptives instead of getting pregnant – yes. But, I still hope that with a combination of my input, religious understanding and their own good judgement we don’t even need to get to that either/or situation.
With all that said, after reading for a while today in my favorite book “The American Paradox” by David G. Myers (everyone should read this, I think…) about sexuality and teenagers, it’s not like we’re doing our kids a favor by just handing out condoms. Condoms may minimize the risk of pregnancy, but there are still plenty of nasty stuff you can get even with that, and certainly when you’re only on the pill. And we’re not even addressing the emotional issues that come with premature sexual relationships. Anyway, I don’t think children will necessarily make bad decisions in regards to sexuality if religion is a big foundation of their lives. I think it’s all in how those things are addressed, discussed, taught etc.
Fran, I completely agree with what you’re saying. I did not mean to imply that I wanted them to be in either box, which is why I included my last question. Your approach sounds great to me–using a combination of sources (including engaging their own brains!) and hopefully making wise choices.
And I also agree that tossing condoms at them won’t necessarily make them behave responsibly. That’s why I think we need to talk to them–a lot. And be upfront and honest and forthright.
My daughter is only 5 years old, but I have given this some thought and while I really hope that she will choose to wait until marriage to have sex, if she decides to have it before that I definitely want her to use contraception. I would rather she be able to finish school and go to college and pursue her dreams than end up raising a baby as a single parent. But then I’m also in favor of teaching/allowing kids to think, learn and decide things for themselves, not just blindly follow orders.
Heather, sorry, I didn’t notice your last question in your post. That would have clarified things for me.
I definitely think it’s important (in my opinion) to teach our children to be engaged in the thinking/decision making process. I’d imagine that it hardly matters how child-rearing is tackled if it doesn’t involve teaching children to think, learn and decide for themselves.
I think in regards to sexuality, I feel like there’s a trend with Church members to be annoyed over the failures from parents/Church in this area, so now we’re going to the other extreme. Instead of not saying anything or making it just a matter of fear/sin, we’re dumping any information they want/need/etc. on our children. My personal concern is that of the whole topic is becoming once again unbalanced. I just feel like sexuality will never be adequately addressed if it doesn’t involve all elements – how it affects us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I would never know whether I should put my daughters, for example, on the pill or not. It’s not a decision I’m comfortable making for them. I think in a way, if I did put them on the pill, I’d feel like I communicated to them that I don’t expect them to wait it out anyway, or yes, that maybe they sort of have my permission, or the safety net to have sex without any risks of pregnancy. On the other hand, of course, I wouldn’t want a teen who gets pregnant (or gets someone else pregnant) or spreads/catches some STDs. So, I think the only way I possible could handle those situations is to talk and discuss openly with my children – teach them all I know in this area, from God, to psychology, to biology to my own experience, and hope that they’ve learned to be wise and make the right choices for themselves.
There is a lot of talk in the church about agency but it is difficult to exercise agency if you have not been taught how to make decisions wisely, weighing up the consequences over immediate, short, long and eternal time frames. When I ask how many parents teach this ability I find very few. If you teach obedience, it’s a sign of weakness to teach decision making.
I like your husband, and corktree would hope each parent has taught their child how to make decisions, given enough information, including their advice, so that their young people can make the wise decision for them selves before the time comes.
I have 4 daughters the youngest being 33.
Great point–so much talk about exercising our agency, but not so much talk about the decision-making process. That’s what makes me nervous–as a parent–about teaching kids to follow the spirit. That can be a tricky business, no? How do we know when something is “the spirit” and when it’s us? or when it’s something else? Making big decisions based on a fleeting feeling can be pretty dangerous. I’m thinking of Andrea Yates here, who said God told her to drown her small children. That’s an extreme example, and therefore perfects ineffective, but . . .
So yeah, I think part of exercising our agency has to be thinking carefully, doing lots of reading (and not only in the scriptures), talking to trusted adults, weighing pros/cons, etc.
And you survived 4 daughters, Geoff-A! I’m saluting you from rural east Texas!
Perfectly pent subject material, thanks for information. “No human thing is of serious importance.” by Plato.