A high school friend recently messaged me to say that-after reading my Facebook posts and my blog posts (as well as other Doves and Serpents posts)-she wondered why I stay in the Mormon church. If it’s such a source of pain and frustration, why don’t I just leave?
I mostly resent the idea that if I don’t like it, I should just leave. Being Mormon isn’t exactly a thing you can just cross off your to-do list: “Dishes? Check. Pick up dry cleaning? Check. Being Mormon? Check.” But, on the other hand (channeling Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof), I guess it’s a fair question from an old friend.
So here’s my response:
Have you ever read any of Chaim Potok’s books–especially The Chosen? It’s a novel about two Jewish boys–one whose father is a rabbi, very conservative, traditional, and the other who is less traditional/conservative. It’s a beautiful story of how these boys tussle with the religion they inherited from their families. I relate to much of that story.
You are right that I have numerous opinions and beliefs that don’t gel well with the standard Mormon line anymore (although I actually doubt that there is such thing as a “standard” Mormon line). I’ve thought long and hard about those issues and I feel like I’m following my conscience right now–something I learned to do in a loving Mormon family and in wonderful, cozy Primary and Sunday School lessons as a child. There are parts of Mormonism (beliefs, behaviors) that I just don’t believe are what God wants us to be doing or thinking. And it’s my belief in a loving Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother that leads me to continue thinking about these issues and hoping for change.
Many people in our parents’ generation were very saddened and confused and disillusioned by the priesthood ban. It simply did not feel right to them. Some left the church over it; they just couldn’t square their belief in a loving God with a doctrine that excluded one race of people from holding the priesthood. And I certainly don’t judge those people for leaving. But thankfully, some stuck around. And they rejoiced when the policy eventually changed. I was only five at the time, but the basics of the story are clear in my mind. My mom and siblings and I were swimming at a local hotel pool. My dad showed up at the pool unexpectedly (he had come from work) and threw his arms around my mother. They both wept as he explained to her that he had heard Kimball’s proclamation on the radio. I’ll never forget those minutes. So frankly, the idea that I should just leave because the church doesn’t suit me 100% is not one that I embrace.
If something important falls short of my expectations or fails to live up to its potential, I feel like that thing is worth critiquing. I feel this way about public education. You won’t find a bigger public education advocate than I am, but that doesn’t mean I refrain from criticizing public schools. If I didn’t care about them, I wouldn’t bother. Rather, it’s because I care about them that I continue to have my kids attend them while I also seek to improve them and call them out when they disappoint me.
So here I am. Mormonism is like my mother tongue. It doesn’t feel as comfortable as it once did, but I can still speak it. It’s sort of my go-to framework for religious issues. It’s a huge part of my family, my identity, and my family identity. So part of me feels like, “Hey, this is my dang church, too. Don’t think you can get rid of me so easily.”
Sometimes, that’s enough.
I really love this, Heather. And I admire you for sticking it out and staying. It can be so, so hard sometimes. But also so so hard to ever really leave it, “it” being such a huge, good part of us. Thanks for sharing.
These are my own feelings.
If I could say one thing more, it is that the church members *say* they want everyone to feel welcome at church, and yet we have a strong tradition of reducing any person who questions to a person who is sinning. This suggests to the person who questions that they ARE sinning, and invites them to stop thinking or start leaving. It would be far more helpful if members decided inside themselves if membership means agreeing with everything-doctrine to folk doctrine- that they themselves believe, or if membership means a personal striving to become more Christlike however each person understands that.
This is true.
I appreciate what you’ve written here. As I’ve read some of the D&S posts, I’ve often had similar questions as your friend. But what you write makes complete sense, and I’m glad to have gotten a clearer picture of the purpose and heart behind different posts. Again, thanks for sharing! :)
Exactly. It’s *MY* church, too. Except I usually say “dammit.” ;) I tell myself, “If I leave, who stays?” The hardliners. The gospel is beautiful, poetic, mystical and yet practical. I stay for the gospel. The hardliners will strangle the precious truths and freedoms under their ever-tightening net of standards and rules, if we softliners all leave.
Heather, I could have written this post too. I keep struggling with the stuff that “doesn’t feel right.” It’s some pretty big stuff also, yet this is my church too. I feel like we desperately need to have a voice and get to stay if we want to. I’m younger than your parents but old enough to have had the priesthood ban have a huge impact on me. I was 21 when it changed, in Europe and heard it on the radio as well. Chills still go up me and tears spring to my eyes even today as I think about that moment. The problem is I do feel increasingly uncomfortable with the language–too often if feels like I’ve been invited to an Amway party when I thought I was going for something else. I love Dove and Serpents for speaking my language.
this is so beautiful; this is such a wonderful piece of writing–
I send you, unknown person (to me), feelings of support and ‘hugs’ from far away–
from someone else who, though marginalized for reasons so bizarre that they don’t fit on any internet blog–LOL!–
is staying–
What you’ve said feels so right. I have often thought that someone has to be the path forger, but it is so hard . . . we’ll see how many of us can hold out.
I only recently stumbled on this website. This post neatly sums up my thoughts over the past couple of years. Thanks.
Thank you for writing this. Thank you so much. I feel similarly and it’s nice to know I am not alone.
Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you!
Great words Heather. Thank you.
I really like this post, Heather. Especially the Potok reference. I love Potok’s books! Also, this is a great summary line:
Mormonism is like my mother tongue.
I feel like this too. I kind of wonder if American Mormons haven’t absorbed the idea of church shopping from the larger American culture. Because isn’t that the American way? We have a thriving religious market, with all kinds of churches, and you pick the one that matches your beliefs best, right? And if it does something you don’t like, you just leave for another one, or if you’re really serious, just found your own.
But Mormonism is so different from so many other religions that it really is tougher to leave than this market framing suggests. So I really like your comparison of it to a native language.
Yes, Ziff! I am always so intrigued to hear friends describe the process they went through to find a church where they fit in. That is so foreign to me. So so foreign. But it sounds lovely.
There are only two possible true Churches, either the Church that Christ established at the time when he was on the earth or one that has been restored as proclaimed by Joseph Smith, Jr. and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All others are established by those who believe that they have selected the proper doctrines to follow. I for one find it much more comfortable to look for a Church that has apostles and prophets. If we are to believe that the Mormon Church has been restored and the proper authority to act for God has been given, then we are where we belong. Reminds me of the three friends that developed 21 truths [from the Bible] that would lead them to the true Church of God, as time progress, all three found themselves members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Brother Ault
Robert, what Heather experiences is not something new in the LDS Church, it is merely forgotten. I remember Hugh B. Brown and Ezra Taft Benson publicly disagreeing as to their opinions in the 1960s as reported in the pages of national newspapers. During President McKay’s administration, it was commonly known that many General Authorities were split between being “McKay men” and “Clark men” because of their differences of opinion about church governance. This goes back to the earliest days, as illustrated by that remarkable and beloved Bishop of the SLC 13th Ward, Edwin Wooley. Here’s a snippet from a wonderful study of his life by former LDS Church Historian Leonard Arrington and Assistant Church Historian Davis Bitton (see this text reproduced here: http://signaturebookslibrary.org/?p=5185):
“Woolley family members today who admire the contrariness of their progenitor [Bishop Wooley] enjoy the story that once Brigham Young said that if Bishop Woolley should fall off his horse while crossing to the other side of the Jordan, they should not look for him floating downstream. Instead, they would find him swimming upstream, obstinately contending against the current.”
“On one occasion, according to the family, the bishop and Brigham had a heated discussion about a business deal. President Young, who could be very sarcastic, turned as he was leaving and said, “Now, Bishop Woolley, I guess you will go off and apostatize.” To which Edwin rejoined, “If this were your church, President Young, I would be tempted to do so. But this is just as much my church as it is yours, and why should I apostatize from my own church?””
“Despite their disagreements, Brigham Young dearly loved his outspoken bishop. In a painting commissioned by Brigham Young called “President Young and His Friends,” Bishop Woolley is depicted along with Heber C. Kimball, Daniel H. Wells, George A. Smith, and four others.”
Of course, one of those descendants who loved Bishop Edwin Wooley was Spencer Wooley Kimball. And, as Bishop Wooley said, it is our church.
As Bishop Wooley said, it is our Church. With this being our Church we look to the head of the Church to be our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As disagreements may come and go the doctrines for the Church come directly from Christ. Just as the decision to grant all worthy men of the Church to hold the higher priesthood, the decision came from Christ to a prophet. At the time I was the Elders’ Quorum President of the Nacogdoches branch I could hardly wait to get out and spread the word that all worthy males could now hold the priesthood. Months later I saw a picture of a friend of mine that had received the priesthood and had been seal in the temple to his wife. How grateful I was for this revelation that was given. I am grateful to be a member of the Church, knowing that direction and guidance comes from my Savior, to his ordained prophet here upon the earth.
I hope that Heather can keep hanging on – Brother Ault
Robert, although we haven’t met, I can sense your authentic sincerity and concern. But, speaking for myself, when I expose my raw, honest feelings on a topic–whether my marriage, my church or a friendship–I am really just looking for someone to say “I’m sorry you feel that way. I want to understand.” A response that sounds like a recipe, advice or a testimony (and, I have given all 3 of these to other people myself!) is not what I need to hear. It’s like saying to someone (and I know you wouldn’t say this): “I’m sorry your husband neglects and betrays you, but you should know that he loves you.” This might be true, but it fails to grasp what someone is telling us. I’d think a testimony in this case is not what Heather is looking for. There’s no need to defend Mormonism here because it is not under attack. She hears plenty of testimonies, I’m sure. And, of course, there is nothing wrong with you or anyone else sharing a testimony–it’s a great thing to share beliefs and spiritual experiences. What I like about this website is that we can all stand behind Heather (and each other) and validate her (and our) feelings, regardless of whether she can hold on or even if she has to let go. To validate Heather’s feelings is not the equivalent to criticizing the Mormon church.
If I am ever asked the same question, I will direct that person to this post. Well done, Heather. Thank you for being an alternative voice.