This is the third of a series of guest posts on learning about sex within different religious contexts. Here’s a link to our guest post invitation.
During the summer after I came home from my mission, an attractive redhead approached me at church and asked if I would help her substitute teach a Sunbeams class. Since attractive women of any hair color seldom approached me for any reason, I thought it wise to accept her invitation. Predictably, I spent the entire Sunday School period restraining a particularly rambunctious (and large for his age) boy while the redhead struggled to teach the rest of the kids over the din. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through Sharing Time when we moved into the Primary room. I was too busy pinning down three-year-olds to pay much attention to the opening announcements and activities, but then one of the counselors in the Primary presidency started a game that caught my interest. She set up two tables, one labeled “bad” and the other “good.” She invited children to come up one at a time, draw an object from a bag, and then decide which table that object should go on. Some of the items were predictable: scriptures, a picture of a family, and a tithing envelope all went onto the “good” table without much comment.
Some items caused me to raise an eyebrow. I felt bad for the little girl who drew the combo meal from Wendy’s. She stood there confused until, after some debate, it was decided that fast food was okay in moderation, so it could go on the floor between the tables. One child drew a paper from the bag that prompted the counselor to call her husband up to the front and roll up his pant leg to reveal a tattoo on his calf. She didn’t make him sit on the “bad” table, but she made it clear that that was where he belonged. Some of the items made me wish that she had brought some Purell for the poor kids who drew them: an empty beer bottle and a smashed cigarette box, which, needless to say, went on the “bad” table.
Then it was time for the bishop’s four-year-old son to draw from the bag. He walked forward and thrust in his hand. He pulled it back out to reveal . . . the centerfold from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue! I can remember it as if it were yesterday: an eighteen by eleven inch photograph of a slim, buxom blonde in a string bikini. There was an audible gasp. Every adult in the room squirmed uncomfortably. I did my best not to let the redhead see me drool. The counselor, nodding slightly towards the “bad” table, asked the boy where the bikini picture should go. Without the slightest hesitation, he slammed it down on the “good” table and marched back to his seat.
I have laughed often about that experience, but I also still puzzle over it. Granted, the boy probably couldn’t read the labels and likely didn’t understand the game anyway, but the hilarious contrast between the counselor’s expectations and his reaction raises some good questions. What exactly was it about it that made the centerfold worthy of the “bad” table? If the counselor was using it specifically to represent pornography, then I agree that it is wrong to objectify women and promote an unrealistic ideal body type. If, however, it represented sexuality in general, the issue becomes far more problematic. As a married man, I wouldn’t hesitate to put sex on the “good” table, but as a father or mentor to young people, I would want to add a caveat-it goes on the “good” table if you are mature enough for it, and if it is one of several elements in a healthy and committed relationship.
Besides puzzling over the message that the counselor was trying to communicate, I also wonder about the effectiveness of her teaching method. In the process of telling the kids what not to look at, she made all of them look at it. Most of them were probably too little to think much about it, but I remember that as a teenager I listened with great interest during the annual “Law of Chastity” lesson in deacons/teachers/priests quorum because I had a burning curiosity and a limited knowledge about sex. There is a chance that teaching adolescents what specifically they should not do will just give them ideas. On the other hand, the reluctance to talk frankly about these things could cause more damage than good. It could give young people the impression that these are dark, dirty secrets instead of a natural part of being human.
It’s a tricky issue. The goal is to communicate to young people that sex is a wonderful thing for those who are ready for it. I think that most Young Men and Young Women leaders in the Church understand that, but struggle to achieve it. I hesitate to blame them. I’m sure that parents had to do some damage control after some of my “Law of Chastity” lessons when it was my turn to be a Young Men’s leader.
I have more questions than answers about this topic, but one thing I can offer is this: life is too complex to fit on just two tables.
–Charles
[Last post in the Teaching Sex guest post series: My Body Can Do That?]
I am concerned that those kind of exercises inculcate children with fear of sexuality, which can only be counterproductive. At that age, human beings have no purient interest in sexuality yet. Hence there is an opportunity to establish fact based attitudes about sexuality, which will increase the chance that people will behave more responsible and healthy as adolescents and adults.
I’m just grateful that the picture was not one of a little girl in a sleeveless dress to be put on the “bad” table.
Urg. I’ve witnessed that, Martine . . .
While putting the swimsuit picture on the bad table could identify porn as being bad or sexuality as being bad (as indicated by the author) I worry if there is any even more dangerous message that is being sent here: that women are bad. I worry that in church rhetoric we often teach young men that women are evil temptresses that are arousing sexual thoughts and feelings in them by their immodest clothing etc. I have often heard women framed this way (as something to be avoided because they are a temptation) with regards to young men preparing for a mission. I also fear that we also teach young women that their bodies are bad and if they are not careful they themselves can become walking porn (and thus bad themselves).
Beatrice,
I agree. I suspect that in the little boy’s mind, he saw the picture as a woman like mom–obviously a good.
I don’t know what lessons the Primary kids took from that experience, but I do hope the counselor learned something important.
The version of this lesson that I sat through was worked out with cutouts of happy faces and sad faces. Only 2 emotions! (No confused, mad, or overly excited faces, just smile/frown.)
If I had been an adult in the room, I don’t think I could have contained my laughter. And then I would’ve been released from my Primary teacher calling.