[Note: This is a post in a series of guest posts about unexpected spiritual experiences. Here’s a link to the guest post invitation. Here’s a link to the archive for this series.]
I sat quietly in the celestial room of the temple thinking and praying about the direction my life had taken. If ever I needed divine direction it was at that moment.
The craziness started about 10 months before this experience. My husband owned his own business and had just gotten a new executive secretary at work. She was a beautiful blonde girl who was having troubles in her marriage and was inactive in the church. He spent a lot of time helping her with her problems and helping her feel the spirit and helping her have a desire to come back to church. He would come home and tell me about all of her struggles and his desire to really help her. I was pretty naïve and figured that because he was telling me all about it, this really was just about helping a fellow LDS sister in need.
Boy, was I wrong. As time went by, he began to tell me about how much love he felt for her and even that there was some sexual tension between them. He brought up the idea of polygamy and explained that he really felt like she was supposed to be a part of our family. He told me that he wanted to explore ideas on how to live polygamy without going against any policies of the church. I admit that even though I was a little repulsed by the idea, I was also intrigued. We talked about the doctrine of the plurality of wives and discussed the fact that it was a doctrine that was eternal with blessings associated with living it. We recognized that the policy of the church was that polygamy was not practiced but that perhaps there may be other techniques to live the doctrine. In all of our discussions, there was an overarching theme that this was something that God was inspiring us to research and learn about and consider.
As we talked about all of these things, I continued to be intrigued but wasn’t really sure on the details of how it could work. I assumed that because we were openly discussing it, there wasn’t anything inappropriate going on between the two of them. I figured he was just keeping me up to speed on their relationship. Wrong again. In an awful turn of events that involved him being out of town and her having to fly to where he was to bring some important documents that HAD to be signed in person. . .he went too far. Because of what had happened, he expected her to leave her husband and basically “marry” him. And by marry, I mean become his second wife somehow. Everything blew up. She quit her job and wouldn’t speak to him again. She was not in any way ready for that and consequently just disappeared. He came clean with me about what their relationship had been and confessed in startling details the events of that night. Needless to say, I was crushed. We spent the next month working through the craziness of the situation and the ideas of polygamy that we had discussed. It was heart wrenching and hellish.
Approximately one month after all this happened, my husband was interviewing another woman for the job that was now vacant. As they talked, their conversation turned from a job interview to life and religion and personal missions. He felt extremely connected to this woman and ended up telling her that he really felt that in order to fulfill his mission in life, he would have to live polygamy. She instantly agreed with him. At that moment, it was like the heavens opened and angels were singing. He realized that this was the woman he was supposed to marry and that the previous one had just been a distraction. Unlike before, this one was active in the church, she was endowed AND she came from a rather prominent family in the church.
He came home and told me that he really felt like God had been preparing him for this experience. I was stunned. After some appropriate anger and lashing out on my part, he convinced me that this was something that God wanted us to do. I jumped in with both feet. The three of us met in a park one night and I basically gave them permission to date. It was weird, but at the same time, I felt like God was somehow preparing us to be the pioneers of polygamy IN the church at this period of time. I honestly thought that perhaps God was preparing us because sometime soon, something would happen that would bring polygamy back.
As the weeks went by, I was a roller coaster of emotions! I tried to temper my jealousy and annoyance with spiritual thoughts and study of THE doctrine. One day I decided to go to the temple just to get some spiritual insight regarding what we were doing. I specifically wanted a sure knowledge that the path we were on was approved of God because it was becoming real hard, real fast.
After completing an endowment session, I sat in the celestial room praying harder than I ever had. I asked God if we were just crazy, and if maybe we weren’t deceived. I opened my eyes and looked over to the end table next to me and there was a set of scriptures. I had never noticed scriptures in the celestial room before and I picked them up and opened them. I turned right to section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants. Yep, that’s the one about plural marriage. I began to read. As I read, I felt like the Lord was talking directly to me: “Verily thus saith the Lord unto my servant Michelle, that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many wives and concubines. Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter. Therefore, prepare thy heart to receive and obey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.”
Bam. I continued to read about the Lord’s house being a house of order, not confusion, and details of how and when a man can marry a woman and that if a man and woman are sealed and either one of them commit a sin or transgression, as long as it’s not murder, they will still be exalted; they just have to pay for their sins. I read about going forward and doing the works of Abraham and entering into the law.
This was my unexpected spiritual experience. I fully expected the Lord to confirm my feelings that we were doing something wrong. Instead, I felt the same feeling I had felt every time I had testified of the church on my mission. I felt the same feeling that I thought to be the spirit that had guided me to this point in my life. Consequently, I couldn’t deny it and felt like God approved of what we were doing. I wrote in my journal that day, “I cannot describe the outpouring of the spirit that I feel. I feel the abundance of the universe and there is no room for feelings of scarcity and loss and negativity. . .I understand better and clearer the doctrine of having many wives. I can see the blessings and joy that are associated with it. I can see the higher law and it doesn’t have anything to do with giving anything up! By living the New and Everlasting Covenant of marriage to the fullest everyone comes away with more. There is more love, more commitment and more support. There is so much abundance, it is phenomenal . . . I know it, I understand it, and am prepared to live it. I want to live it . . . NOW.”
I don’t know what to do with that experience. As time went on I could not do it. I could not live it, I could not even pretend to try to live it. I decided that if God really did want me to live it, I would rather go to hell than continue in the path we were on. I am now blissfully divorced and quite happy in my freedom and all that entails. I don’t know what I believe anymore but I do know that what I felt that day in the temple was the same feeling that the entirety of my testimony was built on.
–Michelle
[Last post in this series: Redemption from Pride; See all the posts in this series here]
Michelle, thank you for your honesty here. I have no answers for you, except that I believe experiences like this are a natural part of being human, that our yearning for spirtual experiences is like any bodily appetite, that we should not deny them, but try to understand them and the role that our reason must play in making sense of them at the time they happen to us and later in life as we look back on them. For me, I’ve concluded that feelings are the beginning of any life experience and I believe that I learn the best way to approach my feelings is through dialogue with friends and trusted advisors. Thanks for allowing us to be your friends with this post.
What a roller coaster adventure! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like whether or not polygamy is right, or you are meant to practice it, part of the problem may have been with your ex-husband. IF polygamy were right and IF it were going to work (and I am in no way advocating that), all parties would have to be very honest with each other, and it doesn’t sound like he was.
As for whether or not your prompting was… legitimate, it’s hard to say. I’ve struggled a lot with that too- I’ve had some powerful spiritual experiences, then later on, some contradictory but equally powerful spiritual experiences. As near as I can figure, God tells us what we need to hear at that point in time, and sometimes in retrospect it seems like He was “wrong” but really, if it got us on the path we are supposed to be on, then it doesn’t matter if it was “wrong” or “right” (in the sense of “did it come true as I thought it would”) Does that make sense?
Michelle,
You’ve written a powerful testimony of why people should not put “spiritual” confirmation ahead of logic and conscience.
Spiritual feelings can be manufactured by our brains. It is difficult or impossible for most people to recognize the true source of these emotions.
Wow. I really appreciate your willingness to share this story with a public audience. In my own experience, I have come to conclusions similar to those of Course Correction. I too came to a point in my life when I decided that I would rather spend eternity in hell than in the heaven that was portrayed to me at church. I’m glad to hear that you are in a much happier place now.
Wow, Michelle, just wow! What a tricky tricky place you must have had to feel you were in so many times over the course of this experience. Even though it seems as if spiritual experiences are how Course Correction describes them above because of all the conflicting ones (all over the map) it is still very stressful to come to grips with your own isn’t it? Those moments mean so much and contribute so much to the trajectory that our lives go because of how intense and meaningful that some of them are…and yet you find all these conflict later. This is so, so hard. I am glad that you are happy now and I am sorry for the huge, huge bump in the road that you had to encounter. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Michelle – Thank you so much for sharing this experience! It was so refreshingly honest. I agree with everything Ashley said!
On a side note – Thanks D&S for this series. I have LOVED it!
Thank you, Natsy! It has been SO interesting to read about everyone’s experiences.
In my book, this is why it is dangerous to trust “feelings” as an arbiter of truth. I’m not denying that you had those feelings, but only that we shouldn’t base huge life decisions on feelings. On the other hand, I’m glad to hear that you are divorced from someone who did not seem committed to you. I hope you are happy as you start a new chapter in your life.
Thanks all for the comments!
This is a very interesting post/story, albeit a very costly and painful lesson to those involved. It is clear to me that when something is started half-assed, it won’t get better down the road. My half-assed comment is not addressed to the participants in this story, but is addressed to the way the Church leaders (and the Priesthood leaders ….one and the same) always approached plural marriage. From Nauvoo (or possibly earlier) until 1852, PM was a secret “priesthood” practice. From 1852 to 1890 it was a Church practice. From 1890 until ~ 1904, it ceased to be a Church practice, but continued to be authorized by the Priesthood. Beyond approximately 1904, PM was not authorized (very rare exception basis, only). My point is there never was a clean break, clearly documented. Hell, the revelation authorizing PM was not included in the LDS scriptures until 1860, and there never has been a revelation on marriage (single or plural) presented to the saints, except for Section 132. Such a new revelation would establish a new foundation (new wine, new bottles). Even the wording of the temple marriage ceremony to this day holds the door open for PM. No wonder so much confusion stems from all this half-assery. Regarding spiritual feelings, such as those that the writer experienced in the celestial room, I am not going to poo-poo them. I really cannot encourage always supplanting such feelings/promptings in favor of “logic.” I also cannot encourage always supplanting logic in favor of feelings/promptings. I am sorry that this writer has suffered through so much, and I appreciate her sharing her experience. Thank you for providing her this forum for sharing.
This is happened (successfully) to more than one active family I knew, while serving my mission in southern Utah. Polygamy is in the water out there – and in the air you breathe…
Thanks for sharing Michelle –
Michelle,
Thanks for putting words to the experience of letting go of beliefs about scarcity. That part of your situation resonates with me. In whatever circumstance that perception arises, I think it is true and the very essence of spiritual seeing, whatever the karmic circumstances in which we find ourselves.
Dear Michelle,
My heart aches to hear your story. On one hand, I feel audacious for posting a comment when I haven’t shared at least some of the trials you have faced. But on the other, I praise God for the opportunity to encourage you as you pick up the pieces moving forward. If you haven’t been commended for striving to live your life in accordance with God’s will, then let me say that I have a great deal of respect for you in that regard.
I was struck by something you said in your post. You said that if God really did want you to live it (the New and Everlasting Covenant) to the fullest, then you would rather go to hell than continue on the path you were on. I’m sure empathy only grants me a shadow of the despair you were feeling, and may still feel. But there is hope.
You mentioned that in your search for how to live the New and Everlasting Covenant, you looked to D&C 132 for understanding. Have you ever looked at Matthew 26:28, and considered that this verse pertains to the New and Everlasting Covenant? Jesus refers to the New and Everlasting Covenant (look at the Greek footnote), and He defines it as the forgiveness of sins.
There is also a three chapter explanation found in the book of Hebrews that fully explains the New and Everlasting Covenant. Putting the Old Testament prophesy in context, this passage describes how Jesus established the New Covenant, and explains the blessings we receive through the covenant. (Heb 8:6 — Heb 10:17) Pay particular attention to Hebrews 9:15. This 53 verse passage quotes the prophecy in Jeremiah 31:31-34 twice, referring to the covenant by name on several occasions. It explains the New and Everlasting Covenant in some amazing detail, contrasting it with the covenant that preceded it, the Law of Moses.
I know that you don’t know what to believe right now, and that is totally understandable. But there is hope. For sure, God wants us to live the New and Everlasting Covenant to the fullest. But just as Jeremiah prophesied, His covenant is about how Jesus died so that we can be forgiven, not about Celestial Marriage, or as you so horrifically faced, Plural Marriage. Check out NewAndEverlastingCovenant.com for more information about the New and Everlasting Covenant.
Thank you Nate for your kind words. Certainly those are wonderful scripture passages relating to the “New and Everlasting Covenant.”