I was born and raised in East Texas and have spent most of my adult life living here or Louisiana. But my parents are originally from California, which means that I don’t really have the necessary social capital required to happily live here. I am forever feeling left out of conversations as people talk about the mums they are making for their daughters’ boyfriends (say whah?), the “Texas Sized Bling” t-shirts I am required to wear by the dance studio my kids attend, the ton (literally) of recleaned deer corn they’re on the verge of purchasing, or express excitement over all the “hauling” they’re going to be doing with their recently purchased flatbed trailer. And although I spent some time on the political dark side (read = I may have voted for a Republican presidential candidate in my lifetime), I have become quite liberal, which doesn’t really serve me well in these here parts.
In short, I am in this East Texas world, but not of it.
And now, at age 39, and after having lived here for 4.5 years, I find myself in something of a new situation: I pretty much have no friends that live less than 2.5 hours away from me. Oh, sure I have plenty of people I am friendly with, but I don’t have anyone that I would, say, call up and say, “Let’s go to lunch!” or “Come rescue me from my kids!” or “Let’s go for a walk/jog together!” or “Come with me to get a Diet Coke.” Luckily, Brent does most of those things with me and, truth be told, he’s my favorite person in the world, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something missing in my life right now that’s always been there previously. And I think it’s the friends piece.
Growing up, I had plenty of friends. I grew up with a pack of pretty stable girlfriends that eventually expanded to include some boys. Then I went away-far away-to college and made friends with my roommates. And then I got married crazy young (age 19!), but we definitely had other close couple friends while we were at BYU.
Then we moved to Texas and made numerous good friends and one great friend, as in, soul-sister, why-don’t-we-share-actual-DNA friend?
And then we moved to Louisiana and made lots of good friends and a few great friends, as in, why-can’t-we-arrange-our-lives-so-that-we-live-in-the-same-town-again friends and why-do-we-live-on-different-continents friends? We had church friends in three different church congregations, neighborhood friends, book club friends, and PTO friends.
Now here we are, back in East Texas, and I’m kind of scratching my head and wondering what’s up. I consider myself-or at least I have until now-to be a pretty social person. I love to talk (urr — I talk too much, maybe that’s the problem?). I’ve never not had friends. So I’m developing some working hypotheses:
- I’m super obnoxious. This is more a statement of fact than an actual hypothesis, but if true, it doesn’t make sense that I would have had friends my whole life up until now. I didn’t just become annoying.
- We’re too busy. Brent and I are definitely working more hours than we ever have-well, I am, for sure. So that could partially explain it. When we’re not working, we’re tired and don’t feel like doing stuff with other people. And our kids are involved in way too many activities, such that we routinely have 4-5 places to be in one night.
- When our kids were younger, we used to make friends with the parents of our kids’ pre-school and elementary-aged friends. Now that our kids are older, it doesn’t work as well for us to choose their friends according to which parents we like. Our kids have more agency now to choose their own friends than they used to.
- We got married and started having kids so young (I was 23 and Brent was 27) that many of the people we know that are our age (or thereabouts) have pre-school aged kids, which just doesn’t work great with our kids who are soon to be 10, 13, and 16.
We do have lots of people here that we like. We enjoy when our paths cross between kid pick-ups or drop-offs or while at one of the kid’s activities. We sometimes talk about getting together with this or that couple or family, but we mostly don’t do it. And I have a couple friends at work with whom I eat lunch once or twice a month. But that doesn’t feel the same as gal pals.
I have some awesome online friends-most of whom I haven’t met, but a handful of whom I’ve been lucky enough to meet in real life-whose friendships I treasure. And occasionally I’ll get to know someone online and I’ll think, “Dangit. If we lived in the same town, we would totally be friends.”
But, let’s face it: geography is real. Those people aren’t around to hang out with. They’re not around to pick up one of my kids when I’m running late. They’re not around if I have a flat tire. Shoot-a couple months ago, my car was acting funny and I actually thought: If the car breaks down now, who am I gonna call to bail me out (since Brent works 75 miles away)??
And I was pretty bummed when I realized that my best bet would be to whip out my AAA card and just call for a tow.
Does anyone else find themselves middle-aged and friendless? What gives?
There is definitely a “stage of life” element to making friends no matter where you are. People make most of their life-long friends when they are in their early 20’s. The farther you get from that age, the harder it is to establish yourself if you move. This reality hits a lot of people hard, because moving for career reasons has become much more common. I made my last move at age 45. It really took us a long time to get a small group of friends, and we are in a big city. In a smaller town most people are even more established in their social circles. I feel like we finally did make friends, basically due to super-human efforts and a lot of luck. The funny thing is, all of our friends are 10-20 years younger than us. We just can’t meet people our own age who have room in their lives for more friends. We enjoy these youngsters, and are super appreciative that they have let us in, but we miss that special comradery that comes from being at the same stage of life. Anyway, I suspect a lot of people feel the same, especially people who have had to move after they are already past their early 30’s.
Come move to NYC and you guys can hang out with my friends and me!
I am in the same situation with #3 and #4. I got married young and had kids right away like I was taught to do. Now I am 40 with three teenagers and an eight year old and the only people who have older kids like me are republican conservative super active mormons (like I used to be). Since I am now a democrat liberal unitarian I don’t have any friends. Everyone I meet in my area who is my age is a long-time professional with one or two toddlers or preschoolers. I have been a stay-at-home mom. I have nothing in common now with anyone.
I’m a big believer that you don’t have to have things in common to be good friends. Yet, it does seem to play into the availability/ schedule factor that active friendship requires. Recently, I made plans to meet up with a friend of mine for lunch on her work break. First, she had an emergency at work and had to cancel. Second, my life ramped up and I had to cancel. In the meantime, I was super wishing to connect with someone outside of my own little nuclear family.
I’m going with the TOO busy and phase-of-life-excuse. And, I’m trying to change that so I at least have enough space in my life for lunch with a friend!!!
Heather, thank you for writing this post. I needed to read it! Truth be told, I’ve always been a bit of loner. Not out of choice, but just because I’ve always been close to people that preferred to keep me to themselves. Oh dear’ that sounds horrible! Seriously, though, it’s something I’m going to have to work to get myself out of. This isolation. This habit of not calling anyone. Doing everything on my own. Believing that if I do call or talk to anyone, I’m a pest just for taking up their time.
It’s not, healthy, and I’m going to have to work to change those habits. Maybe I’ll set some of those goals today. I am so grateful you wrote this post. And hope you find friends close to you soon.
There are different kinds of friends. There are the kind of friendships that are one way….meaning that you listen to them, support them, help them, but they aren’t really in a place to reciprocate possibly because they simply can not understand you. Another kind is those that are present and constant….these are those that may not have a real soul to soul connection, but they are always there ie family members. The other is the friendship where there is an amazing recipricol connection….the friend that you can talk with for hours, the friend that really gets you, the friend with whom you can laugh non-stop. This last kind is the hardest to make, and moving around really costs us these kinds of friends. Because of my mobility I have had to do without having those kinds of friends close by. I visit them and call them, and I make up the difference by investing in the first kind of friends. My attitude for making my social life rich when I don’t really have any reciprocating friendships is to invite, invite, invite, and give, give, give. It is easy for me to find people that I like to spend time with, who are actually really needing some help, whether it be a meal, a favor, an emotional support. This ends up helping me, because I have people around, and don’t feel as lonely, and once in a while, one of the friends who may have started as more of a project, actually becomes someone who can reciprocate more. Also by having my home be a gathering place, there is a domino effect and I connect to more people. Sure, I still need to travel to visit my more heart-to-heart friends, but I am having a very rich social life considering the constraints. Anyway, that’s how I got it to work for me.
I am in the same boat, except I haven’t moved in 22 years. At least not physically. I guess you could say I’ve ‘moved on’. I converted to the church in my teens, married at 19, 5 babies in 10 years. I’ve always been fairly outgoing but my husband is an introvert and gets his friendship fix at work. I stayed home with my kids for 30 years and taught piano lessons out of the home, so most of my outside contact was with young people. My husband and I recently served in a YSA ward for three years but have never fully integrated back into the family ward as many new young families moved in while we were gone (they are not really in our age demographic anyway) and the women in my age group all seem to be busy working, looking after grandkids, or have established friendships. During the YSA time we transitioned into ’empty nesters’, which has also made us feel like we are not as involved in the ward now. There are many ‘family dynasties’ in this area and that seems to fulfill some of my friend’s social needs as well. My parents are deceased, my brother has severe mental health issues, and my sister lives in another country, so I don’t have much connection there, either. I have undergone a huge faith transition over the past few years (having never felt totally at home in the Mormon culture) and don’t feel that I have much in common with church friends anymore, even though most were only acquaintances anyway. I’m still active in the church but am finding it difficult to find relevance at this stage of my life in the many messages geared to younger people that I hear over the pulpit. I have one friend in our ward whose children have all left the church and we go to lunch fairly often, but she needs a lot of attention and the relationship can sometimes be quite emotionally exhausting. I also go to lunch occasionally with an LDS friend I met in Jr High School, but she lives on the other side of the city and our paths don’t cross all that often. I used to at least talk to other adults when I would attend my kid’s games or other events, but now I mostly sit in my basement alone doing genealogy. I am fortunate to not ‘have’ to work for financial reasons, and I have held off looking for job because I want to have enough flexibly to travel to spend time with my grand kids and children who don’t live here. I feel a need to get outside of my LDS circle and contribute something to the ‘world’, but I don’t have the first idea how to do that.
Dear Heather, I don’t think your question sounds “pitiful” at all. In fact, it caused Betty and me to have an interesting discussion over lunch about our friendships–when, how and why they originated and then did or didn’t last. As we reviewed it, we realized that most of our long lasting friendships were begun in our 30’s with women, and then their husbands, who shared our professional interests. Sometimes, we just asked an acquaintance to lunch and sometimes we gathered a group of women with a focus, you know, “consciousness raising” or women’s books, or an easy goal like world peace. When we moved to New York, I missed them enormously, but got involved with social action projects in the UU. It’s odd, but my two best NY friends are now a woman and a man, both of whom will meet me for lunch and share their lives as I do mine. Both coasts offer me such perspective, solace and just good laughs, so I encourage you to find some lunch friends, just for the sheer joy it can bring. Go for it! Aunt Marilyn
Claire, finding a volunteer position a couple of afternoons a week is definitely on my ‘to do’ list for the new year:)
Oops, posted to the wrong thread!
Heather, great post, and topic
JMS, have you considered volunteer work? I found it a great way to get out, make friends, and have something like coworker relationships but without the commitment of paid employment. I still had flexibility. I also learned job skills that made transition back to paid work much easier!
Any Marilyn (Heather has told me so much about you I feel like I can almost get away with calling you that), I had to chuckle at your joke about world peace. :-)
Claire, finding a volunteer position a couple of afternoons a week is definitely on my ‘to do’ list for the new year:)
This has also been on my mind lately…I remember thinking that my mom didn’t have any girlfriends growing up. I know she had friends, but she never got together with them. And I swore I’d never be like that as a mom. But I feel like I’m slowly turning into that aspect of my mom…ugh! I just wish America weren’t so dang huge, so we could see our long-distant friends more easily.
My in-laws lived in Nacogdoches from 2003-2009, and I wish I had known who you were then, Heather. Since then, I’ve read your blog and heard you on podcasts, and I so wish they still lived there so I could meet you in person. Oh well. I’m grateful for the internet and how it can expose us to many people who we wouldn’t have known otherwise.
Corrina, you married in to the Naone family? I would also love to have met you. Perhaps we met once at a ward party?
We joked that your father-in-law was assigned to be our home teacher because he was the only other Democrat in the ward (well, one of the only ones . . .).
;)
Good people!
Heather, I wonder if it isn’t because you didn’t grow up in your East Texas town. We lived in Brooklyn for 10 years and made BFFs, but then moved back to SLC 3 years ago to the same neighborhood where J grew up. We know many of the people here, but the big difference is that they never left. All of their life-long friends and family are here. They haven’t known us for the last 20 years, so we are not the first couple they call for a night on the town. It’s discouraging for sure, but may not have as much to do with you.
On the other hand, we are liberal, too, and our neighborhood is not. Also, I work, so don’t have the same opportunities to make friends with the stay-at-home moms my age. And, since I’ve stopped taking the girls to church, I’m now not likely to make any new BFFs at all.
Fortunately, I’ve made friends with some AMAZING women at work. But it takes time. In another 5 or so years, BFFs for sure. If WE were living in the same neighborhood, we’d be BFFs! When we were roommates, I’d never met anyone that made me laugh so hard. Thank GOD or whatever for the internet and FB! You’ve been a friend through my faith crisis with just a few messages, last summer’s visit, and the Doves and Serpents blog.
But nothing soothes the soul or encourages you more than a good friend. When I’m feeling this way, I resolve to reach out to someone I’d like to be better friends with and just hope down the road we will be.
Good luck!
I have lived in East Texas for 13 years. I don’t have a single friend that fits the criteria of a true friend. No best friend who I can drop in unannounced and just sit around with. No friend who I can call no matter what. No friend that I can cry with. No friend like that.
I sometimes think something is wrong with me. I sometimes think I used up all my “friend-making karma” when I was young. I sometimes think I am just not worth it or I am too much of a freak. I don’t really know. I am kinda depressed now that you got me thinking about it ;)