My six year old daughter is like a little angel on my shoulder, my embodied conscience, as we drive home each day from school. There are two particular spots where many of the original twelve lunches for the homeless were given away, and many other offerings since. While I sometimes still have a twinge of discomfort when I see someone waiting at those corners, she is always perky and happy to see them. If I’m scrambling in the car for something to give, she will want to offer something from her lunch box.
In the post-Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday period and in the midst of Black History Month, she has had a lot of questions about race. Not particularly about the children in her class or our friends of different races, but particularly WHY “‘most homeless people have dark skin. ”
My first response was almost a denial. “Some of the homeless people we see have light skin.” Of course, she’s too smart to be satisfied with that. “Yeah, but MOST of them have dark skin.” I wasn’t getting off that easy.
What followed was a rather scattered discussion of race and politics in America and the world. It was enlightening to try to lay out the issues with someone who has few pre-concieved notions of race and little to no knowledge of history, but who possesses a very real sense of justice and the golden rule. Developmentally, she was able to grasp a sense of how unjust people can be. I want to protect her from it, but I also don’t want to gloss over the reality of evil in the world, and in our own hearts. I want her to recognize it and work to quiet it.
Later that afternoon, I found this note she wrote, and felt like she got the message. I’ll translate: “You are a star, no matter what kind of skin you are, because God loves you. ”
How have you handled teaching your children about bigotry and prejudice, racial or otherwise? Favorite resources to share?
I don’t remember any specific techniques we have used with our kids, other than taking opportunities to talk about race when the issue has arisen. It seems like it is something we have talked about ever since our kids were younger. We would generally see some way some kid was being treated, or hear about some name calling at school, and take it as an opportunity to discuss with them why it is always important to treat people the same no matter what they look like, and that we should stand up for those who aren’t accepted.
Since my kids have gotten older we have some really good discussions after watching television shows or movies. We just watched “The Loving Story” which is a documentary about interracial marriage in the 1960’s, and “The Help” which is about domestic help in the 60’s. Watching those with our teens is perfect, because it helps them understand the issues better, and realize that not everyone lives like we do, or thinks like we do. And it also provided a lot of good opportunities for discussion. Even to the point by the end of asking my kids to always be courageous and stand up for the disenfranchised and those who are struggling for equality. I want them to not only have empathy, and understand how others live, but also to be moved to work for a better world. Maybe I am too idealistic, but I hope even just a little bit rubs off on them.
“Even to the point by the end of asking my kids to always be courageous and stand up for the disenfranchised and those who are struggling for equality. I want them to not only have empathy, and understand how others live, but also to be moved to work for a better world. Maybe I am too idealistic, but I hope even just a little bit rubs off on them.”
I am sure that much more than a little will rub off on them! My father was somewhat racist when I was growing up, but I picked up more of my mother’s attitude of embracing/helping everyone (although I am nowhere near her level of taking action on that attitude). My father has since changed a lot, but I still remember how it just seemed wrong and didn’t make sense, but my mother did… So, I hope to teach my kids the same concepts you are trying to instill in them. Thanks for that comment! Makes me feel like it CAN be done! :)
Yes, thanks Scott! The great thing about movies etc is that you can arrange to watch it together but it doesn’t have to be like an awkward planned FHE type event.
Gah! This is a hard one. I run into things like this all the time. When our K was in kindergarten, she asked why “all the people” (and, to be honest, it probably was all) in the very run-down, dilapidated neighborhood surrounding her public magnet school had “brown skin” (because, of course, she hadn’t learned the term “black” to refer to them). I fumbled, maybe in a way similar to the one you describe, Claire.
We run into this now when we go to the country fair to watch Stuart dance with the local dance studio (now there’s some gender stereotype defying for you, ha ha!) and they have prisoners from the county jail there working, cleaning, hauling, etc. And they’re wearing very obvious black and white jumpsuits. And EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is African American. The kids have asked me about that as well–who are those people, why are all of them black (because, at this point, now they HAVE learned that we call them “black” or “African American”).
I simultaneously hate and am appreciative of those moments. I hate that the image they are learning to associate with a prisoner is of a black man–data be damned. But I’m grateful to be able to discuss it openly. And to try to talk about the many many things wrong with our system that contribute to stereotypes and realities.
Sometimes I think I may have talked about it too much. My oldest is pretty dismissive of it, truth be told. When I get to talking about race/social justice, etc., she tunes me out.
But she’s 15, so she’d probably be tuning me out regardless of what I was talking about . . .
Yes, it is interesting that they use the phrase ‘brown skin’ or ‘dark skin-‘ they don’t catagorize exactly like we do.
The prisoner situation is tough. After I posted this on Tuesday, she asked me why there aren’t any ‘homeless women asking us for stuff.’ II really just couldn’t go there about prostitution, rape, etc. I hate to reveal that kind of cruelty and injustice. But on the other hand, our kids are learning these lessons everyday whether they are from us or not.
I haven’t even touched on how to discuss race in terms of Book of Mormon and biblical teachings about curses of dark skin, descendents of Ham, mark of Cain, etc. I was always uncomfortable as a child looking at the illustrations in the children’s scripture graphic novels that the church published- remember those? Dark skin was always associated with savagery, while the righteous always had an Aryan look. Ugh.
Oh, we openly mock/deride any suggestions in the scriptures that race = evil, wickedness. Our kids scoff at it as well.
I highly recommend reading “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” by Beverly Tatum. In her book, she writes about how parents can go about having these sorts of conversations with their kids, with the goal of helping them have a positive identity development, whatever their race (it also has special chapters regarding biracial families, or mixed-race adoptions).
Great suggestion, Anselma. I’ve read part of that book for a class I had in my doc program, but my kids were younger then so I wasn’t thinking along these lines.