My oldest daughter is almost 15. She is not dating yet, but it’s on the not-too-distant horizon. Because Facebook makes teenagers’ lives so visible and public, I feel like I have a window into their world. And I’m not thrilled by much of what I see, to be honest. I’d like my daughters to avoid much of what I see in the media and on Facebook-casual “hook-ups,” cattiness between girls, sexting, girls wearing clothes better suited to adult women, etc. So I’m a bit anxious about my kids navigating the dating scene.
There is a rule in the Mormon church that you can’t date until you’re sixteen. I had a boyfriend before I was 16, so the rule either wasn’t written then or I just didn’t obey it (honestly don’t know which explanation is accurate). I have friends who prohibit their teenagers from having boy/girlfriends in their bedrooms behind a closed door. A friend in high school dated a girl whose mother would not let her go on “car dates” with boys until she was 16. She could be with a group of people or go to someone’s house or meet up at the movie theater, but couldn’t be driven around by boys. This rule now seems potentially wise as I risk my life every day driving my daughter to and from the local high school! My daughter has been told at church that Mormon girls should only date Mormon boys because you should only date people you would eventually marry. This little tidbit annoyed her for several reasons:
- I think there might be five Mormon boys in their high school of approximately 1600. So this rule effectively takes the potential dating pool from about 800 to 5. Tough odds.
- She’s been going to church with these boys for a long time now. She has seen them make farting noises with their armpits, have belching contests, and stand on their heads during Sunday school. It’s not flattering.
- She thinks it’s silly that she is expected to know what kind of person she will eventually marry. She’s still figuring out who she is and who she wants to become-as well she should be doing-so I’m glad she’s not too worried about future spouses (hello, she’s 14!).
Because she inherited a bit of a defiant streak (I’d love to pin this entirely on her dad, but, ahem, some of it may have come from me as well . . .), she recently scoffed after hearing this rule anew and declared that she would “only date non-Mormons.” We had a good discussion about dating and marrying wherein I readily admitted to her that I think it would be very hard to marry someone who wasn’t Mormon. And there’s plenty of research to back me up on this. She chimed in with, “I mean, yeah, Mormonism isn’t just a religion. It’s like . . . a whole way of life.” Indeed.
Enough about rules. My kids are getting enough “don’ts” from me and from our church community regarding dating. I’d like to communicate some “Do’s” or “Consider doing’s” to my daughters (and, eventually, my son) when it comes to this huge part of their lives. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of experience with the issue. I had two boyfriends in high school. Both were Mormon. And I got married at the scandalously young age of 19 (cringe), so I went on a handful of dates while at BYU and that was that. So I’m not exactly a fount of knowledge. And even if I did, social media has changed the process so drastically, I’m not sure I have much to contribute by way of advice.
So help a sister out. What advice do you have for teenagers (mine or yours) about dating? What did you do that worked or didn’t work? Do you wish you had done it differently? What kinds of dating “rules” did you have as a teenager and, if you’re lucky enough to be a parent of a teenager right now, what kinds of rules, guidelines, or suggestions have you given your teens?
Heather, I’m right in this boat with you, so I’ll be listening. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, though. My daughter has a mutual crush on a boy who is Jewish and in not allowed to date Christian girls, so I’ve been seeing this from the other vantage point. I can see where his parents are coming from, but it also seems like it can create an environment where rebellion is more likely, just for the sake of rebellion. I can’t help but wonder if part of the reason he was initially interested was because she was like a forbidden fruit.
I dated a lot in high school, both LDS boys and not, which sort of cemented for me that I wanted to marry a Mormon boy. Going to BYU made it pretty easy to find Mormon boys to date, obviously. None of the LDS boys I dated in high school went to my school (um, I can only think of two LDS boys at my high school of 1100…. one was a year below me and one was three years ahead of me, so yeah, not a big dating pool).
For now, I suppose I’m grateful that he’s not hanging around constantly, and that they aren’t disappearing for hours regularly in a car (neither of them have one- phew!). I’m sure that day will come though…. I have three daughters, and she’s the oldest.
The internet has changed sociality amongst teenagers – and adults!- drastically from what I can see. Constant contact via texting, facebook, and skype seems to be the norm. If a ‘relationship’ isn’t official on fb, it’s not official.
Things where we live are pretty casual with the teens. Lots of groups, casual parties, and mixed company. They couple off, for sure – but it’s not the norm, and it’s also not uncommon for a guy and a girl to truly be friends and hang out together. As the mother of a 16-year old son, I really like this method. It gives them a chance to really get to know each other. Perhaps this is a problem – contributing to the laxadaisical attitudes of grown dating men – but I think it’s totally great for teens. My teen in particular – who seems to be really growing this year in his real friendships and his feeling of community.
In Ca, there’s a law that makes things easy – it’s hard to get your license by sixteen, and if you do you can’t drive with anyone under the age of 18 with you for a year. Also, they can’t drive that first year after 10PM – automated curfew. So, often even if kids have a DL, they ask their parents for rides, or are home by 10pm.
I think it’s different with each kid. I haven’t needed to set a hard age for dating and can see that it would depend on individual circumstance. I would most definitely NOT limit their choice of dates or boyfriends/girlfriends to religion, race, political views, or anything. I think dating and getting to know other types of people is paramount to the kids learning what they want in a future partner/s, and why.
BTW, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Facebook and texting, etc – are all fabulous ways for parents to keep tabs on their kids, and their kids’ friends. Love it.
Heather ~ I have two kids. Both of them got married in the temple this past summer. Success!-right? You may think that this means I know everything there is to know about dating and I executed the perfect parenting plan for teens-WRONG! My son married his high school sweetheart and my daughter knew her husband for 9 months start to finish when they got married. Watching your kids choose a mate is scary, but you have no control. We trusted that they knew what they wanted and I think they chose well! Whew! They were both young (son 23, daughter almost 21), but not by Mormon standards. They both seem deliriously happy. Of course, we don’t ask too many questions.
Unfortunately, I think luck plays a big part in raising teenagers, and my kids happened to be pretty easy to raise. Anyway, here’s some advice that comes with no guarantees. Most importantly, be the funnest parents around. Always have food and fun and be willing to host every event. When my son was a senior and played football, we had 200 kids at our house for waffles after every game. Thankfully, waffle mix is cheap! We always volunteered to drive without worrying whose turn it was. My husband and I basically didn’t go on any dates ourselves during the kids high school years so we were always available to chaperone whatever. We were involved in what they were involved in. Booster clubs for soccer and football, parent advisors for FBLA and DECA, chaperones for school sponsored trips etc. Wherever our kids went, we went. Luckily they let us. This way we got to know all our kids friends and their parents. We would often ask for other parents help with different events and so we made some good friends along the way and I think helped foster a community of parents who would look out for each others kids. We were also known as the most strict parents, but we could get away with it because we always bought the pizza.
When the kids were at our house we tried to balance knowing what was going on with letting them have privacy, but many times I found myself walking down the hall in the basement toward my son’s closed bedroom door saying loudly, “I’m wallking down the hall to open that door, hope you are ready”. If the kids wanted to go to a party at another house, I insisted on calling the parents and offering food or whatever. This way I knew the parents were aware they were hosting a party and they were home. Anyway, time, time, time is a big key. ITs exhausting, but its fun too!
Finally listen to your heart. Many times I would have an impression to go through texts on my kids phones or look at their emails or whatever and invariably I found something that needed attention. I would say always err on the side of caution and apologize later if you are wrong. Create an atmosphere where your kids feel safe talking to you. Self-control is required here because I usually wanted to flip out, but tried my best to listen (before flipping out). Assume everything you can imagine is going on and then probably things you would never dream up in a million years.
I wouldn’t worry so much about the exact age to date or the pedigree of the person they are dating, just let them know you are all in. They are the most important thing to you and you are willing to put them first. Hopefully, through all your participation you will already know the kids they are dating, but if not make sure you get to know them. If you buy dinner they will usually agree to a double date. It really is true that you have to look at each situation. There is no right answer for everything that comes up. Of course they need to know your rules, but try to explain them not as things they have to do, but rather why the rules make life better. A few of our rules were; no internet on their phones, they better answer their phone every time we call, they checked their phones in to us when they went to bed, no computers or tv in their bedrooms, and school is top priority. We were also sticklers about a midnight curfew and no sleepovers. We took a ton of heat for those two. It’s a given there will be ups and downs and you will make mistakes. So will they, but love, love, love, goes a long way.
I’m not sure any of this helps, but remember it will be over before you know it, so enjoy the ride!
I was only a teen like two years ago, but I will say this: I think that LDS kids should have at least one boyfriend or girlfriend before they get married. So many kids are told not to go on single dates and then they don’t know how to do it outside of high school. Steady dating (and for me it was pretty casual) isn’t a one way ticket on the sexy-train to chastity losing town. It teaches you how to deal with one person exclusively and for me, it helped me to take being engaged a lot more seriously than some other girls I know.
I kept it pretty casual in high school. I had a few boyfriends, but nothing serious. My brother dated one girl all through school and now he’s leaving on a mission and they’re broken up, sort of. My other brother just turned 16 and is enjoying the attention of enough girls that I don’t think he’s choosing one any time soon. Every kid is different and all of their experiences will differ dramatically. The kids I think learned the most at the dating game were the ones who’s parents didn’t set hard and fast rules (as in, “you can’t go on two dates in a row with the same person,” “you must date with at least 2 other couples,” “Your curfew is always 11, even if it’s prom) but the ones who had a clear set of guidelines, knew their kids, and knew their kids’ friends.
I dated before turning sixteen (I’m now sixteen and a half), and I think I was unusually lucky with the way that everything played out. I had a really positive experience. If I could go back, there would be some things I would do differently, but it was a learning process, and no one’s perfect. The boy I dated was not a member of the Church, but that was an opportunity to learn about someone else’s faith and share my beliefs as well. We’re no longer together, but he is still one of my closest friends. I feel very blessed to have gotten to know him. Just my thoughts :)
I know, Synneve! And you had a gaggle of cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents watching you the whole way! (cringe-sorry!)
Truly, I think the 16-dating rule is pretty arbitrary. I mean, let’s say parents stuck hard and fast to that rule and then you had a kid who turned 16 who was very immature not ready to date? Whah? Then you’d be kinda stuck, honestly. Seems better to let things evolve organically or to deal with it on a case-by-case basis.
I also agree with you re: dating people who aren’t Mormon. We do a disservice to ourselves by trying to restrict our relationships to people within our church. We need to get out of our little boxes/shells.
I dated mostly outside the church, having not a lot of options haha. I dated A LOT. I had great experiences mostly, bit of heartbreak when I was broken up with for holding my standards of chastity, but nothing too messy. But it was worth it really, I learnt a lot about myself. I was always taught that we should date to try to find what sort of characteristics I would like in an eternal partner, and I did learn that.
It helped I think always being upfront about what I believed at the time, the standards of the church and all that stuff.
My only wish, if I could go back and do it again. Would be that my Mum and I had been more open with each other, that Mum had been more approachable about things and didn’t just spurt licked cupcake stuff like that.
My thoughts:
1) I say let her date both inside and outside the church but advise her to date boys that share her standards. This by the way may exclude quite a few Mormon boys from the list (watch out for bishop’s and SP sons from large families..) :) Sure they might be more likely to hold such standards but it is probably safer to trust your daughter to know who is who. I dated a nice blood and guts Catholic girl in high school. It was great. We both knew that it could never get serious. We both knew we had similar standards. We had a whole lot of fun! Once I can home at something like 2 am after having been out with her just hanging out and talking. The next morning I could tell my Mom was worried about what might have happened. I just looked at her and said “Mom, its Sarah, you know how many bruises I would have if we had tried anything.” We both got to date and not worry about pressure we might get from dating others. So standards not religion is key, IMHO. This will make you the cool reasonable parent and will underscore for you that you trust her and that standards are what really matter. Win, win, win.
2) Whatever rules (and sure you should have some) you give your daughter should be tailored to her level of responsibility and trustworthiness. Let her help come up with them, then she will be invested in them as well. The more responsible and trustworthy she is the less you worry about arbitrary rules. This gives her an incentive to be trustworthy and responsible. If she keeps both the spirit and letter of the curfew for awhile relax it. She goes out with boys you know to have high standards give them some slack. At the end of the day, by 16 she can pretty much make any choice she wants unless you just lock her up in her room. Accept that and just try and help her make good decisions.
3) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Whatever you can do get your daughter to talk to you about her social life is good. She is not going to tell you everything, but the more reliable and trustworthy you are in listening to her without judgement, respecting reasonable boundaries of privacy etc. the more likely you are to be able to influence her choices and be there in those really important cases.
4) Find a positive way to talk to her about sex. Don’t make it taboo. Give her good information, complete information. If this is hard for you (and it is for many of us) outsource if you need too.I would suggest you check out the local Unitarian church’s sex ed program for youth which is excellent or give her a good book. I am convinced that this coupled with the strong family values you teach is actually the safest route to both sustainably staving off undesired sexual activity, minimizing damage if it does occur and helping her be healthy over the long haul.
Good luck!
My parents were pretty low-key about dating rules. They recommended waiting until high school to date (which I began at about 15 1/2) because it seemed illogical to them that some kids should not be allowed to attend school dances just because their birthdays were a few months later than other kids’. My high school had the opposite ratio of the one you describe; the vast majority of students were mormon. I see telling mormon kids to only date other mormon kids as extremely problematic in this situation as well. If lots of local parents subject their kids to a mormons- only dating rule, the few non- mormon kids are descriminated against. How would you feel if most of the kids at your school were not allowed to do harmless activities with you like going to a dance or a movie just because you belong to another faith?