We had a beautiful Easter weekend that included a blissful day of cousin-ing with two out of my three siblings (we definitely missed our oldest sister and her gang!) and my parents. Everyone got dressed up Sunday morning in new clothes for Easter-new dresses for the girls (and even for me, go figure!) and a purple shirt and tie for Stuart.
And then, a few sad snapshots from our day:
1. The messages in sacrament meeting were about Christ, but the lesson in Relief Society (our women’s organization) was on sustaining our priesthood leaders. It felt almost surreal to me, sitting in a room filled entirely with women, while everyone volunteered their experiences of supporting and honoring the all-male lay leadership of our church. (At least a mention of Jesus, perhaps?? It being Easter and all . . .)
2. When it finally ended, I walked out into the hallway, where I was greeted by my beautiful and smart daughters. Kennedy, the oldest, rolled her eyes at me and whispered, with clenched teeth, “Seriously? On Easter Sunday? We just had a lesson on supporting the priesthood. W. T. H.?” (and because she’s a good Mormon girl, I’m sure the h = heck) And then Marin, my newly-turned 12 year old said, “Wow. So that was . . . weird.”
We got in the car. On the way home, Marin read this quote that was assigned to her to read aloud in her class of all females:
“Young women of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, do the young men you associate with know that you have a standard of excellence from which you will not depart? Do they know by what you say and do that you honor and respect your parents and that you follow the counsel of the leaders of the Church? Do they know you will delay dating until after you are 16 because a prophet of the Lord has given that direction? By your actions do they know that you have made up your mind to be good and that you will not weaken? Can they look to your friendship to gain confidence and respect for themselves? Will your language, your dress, your choice of entertainment, music, books, and movies help the young men who associate with you develop admiration and respect for womanhood? As young men are exposed to the world’s distorted role of womanhood, can they see in you the refinement and sweetness that encourage an attitude of reverence, respect, and honor for that sacred calling?”
That quote sucked the wind out of me. I paused, thinking of how to explain to my daughters the importance of being agents in their own lives-of choosing to act for their own motivations and purposes rather than being acted upon or acting so that the young men and eventually men in the church can go about church business-but then she chirped, “I mean, really? Why should we do all that stuff for the young men?? Maybe we should do it for ourselves, but not for them.”
Indeed. We piled out of the car and enjoyed our afternoon.
3. Later, I gathered everyone around the computer to share several slideshows of people around the world celebrating Easter. The pictures were amazing. The religious rituals were unique-some beautiful, some macabre. We had to buzz quickly through several that freaked the kids out. As is often the case, I was more interested in the whole thing than they were. But as we passed this one, both girls gasped and said, “Whoa! Cool! Women doing stuff!” 
(Marin was also digging the Virgin Mary statue. She told me a while back that she wants to marry a Catholic person because she likes their Virgin Mary statues.)
I felt sad to hear my girls so interested and excited in the idea that in some countries, and in some religions, girls and women actually participate in meaningful ways in ordinances and rituals. They do more important things than discuss ways to support the men as they run the church.
4. Tonight before bed, we settled in to start a new tradition of writing down three things we’re grateful for every Sunday. Each child got a cute notebook in his/her Easter basket.
Marin (who is a sassy little missy) said:
“I wrote down that I’m grateful for the church, even though some of what they say there makes women feel sad inside. And useless. And like we’ve been cut out of the program. Sometimes when I go to church, I feel gypped.”
;
She was being sort of snarky (alas, she comes by that honestly), but the sentiment was genuine.
I am growing weary of fighting this battle.
Darn, Heather. You totally cause me to hyperventilate when I think about my granddaughters going through this program, even with the oldest being 8 years away. I know the Church is working on a new curriculum but the priesthood stuff is not going away.
You have smart daughters….they come by that honestly too.
And I’m crying now because this is so sad that they–the men in leadership and the so-called women leaders who buy into “sustaining the priesthood”–can’t even see that in 2012, these attitudes are totally out of line and that they hurt girls’ and women’s lives.
I was thrilled yesterday to see girls and women participating in an Episcopal Easter service my husband & I went to and wanted to bring every woman I know back there to let them experience the power of women in a church setting. I am indeed weary, too, but seriously, your daughters are quite the wise firecrackers. Methinks they will blaze their own trail in the church and be good agents for change. :)
Amanda – you’ll need to share which Episcopal service you went to. We were at St. Anne’s Catholic yesterday — but I’ve “decided” I think I’m more Episcopalian than Catholic. (hahaha). My Catholic friend tells me Episcopal services are nearly identical to Catholic service. I was so fed – just by seeing how much women participated in the service. It was so refreshing.
We went to Christ Church Cathedral in downtown Houston. I highly recommend it!
Yes, it’s a wearying battle. You’re good to keep it up.
This morning I was talking to my 15-yo daughter about how Easter left me feeling sad because it made me want to go to church. We’re not active right now and have even moved since we attended. As we were having the conversation, I was thinking about how much I’d like to be there, but how little I want to put her through quotes like the one read in Marin’s class. Sometimes I feel like I’m wrong to want to keep her away because I know the ideas taught at church don’t really affect her as negatively as they affected me when I was her age. Like your kids, she doesn’t buy into that kind of reasoning. This morning she told me that she doesn’t miss church at all, though. Church wearied her because she felt like she had to keep helping other people see what was hurtful about quotes like that one.
My next thought during our conversation was about how little the church feeds me. When I go to Relief Society, I feel like I need to take care of the other women. It’s wearying. As the lessons are read, I usually raise my hand to respectfully point out the aspects of ourselves that we can love and respect and I try to counteract the pervasive submissive mentality. Then, I try to validate the pain the women are going through as they can’t live up to the “ideals” and I try to help them think more realistically and positively about their obligations to meet them, etc. Sigh. It’s just that the job never ends when I’m fighting philosophies that are written in manuals that were approved by the people who are accepted as prophets of god. After a while, I think I just tuckered out. Too many years of the same wearying battles.
Sigh. It’s hard to know what to do. I’d love to participate in a family-oriented community that I believed would meet the needs of my children…. and me. That’s what Mormonism isn’t for me. That’s what I’m missing. I’d like a place that feeds us. Wearying is just wearying.
Easter would have been better if I had had that place. And, I guess, if it had been a Mormon place. Mormonism is my language. But that place doesn’t exist.
Amen, Anne.
Why not use your period of inactivity to visit other churches occasionally?
Martine is right about your smart daughters.
I want to add that one of the things I never have understood as a convert is how Christ has rarely been the center of worship in my 46 years of church association; the administration of the sacrament excepted. Somewhere a long the way in some one’s anxiety to distance themselves from other Christian religions the Christ-centeredness of our worship has been lost. I remember with great fondness and, at the time, deep devotion the Sundays I spent at other churches learning about Jesus and his teachings. Easter Sunday was the pinnacle, all Jesus, all day. It is something I truly have missed as a Mormon.
I can’t even talk about the Church’s attitude toward women. Seriously, your post made me cry, too, but I like your new tradition.
Good for you, Heather! I think your girls are at least getting the kind of balance that only you can provide!
Just an hour ago, I watched the conference online, and couldn’t get over the fact that it was just one long parade of wrinkly old white men.
(The way I figure, they’re going to need about 10 young black lesbians right away, if they want to start some kind of balance…)
Bitherwack, your last line – hilarious! Love it.
It is so sad! And yet, I think, with kids like yours, and probably other people with similar kids, there’s hope for the future of the Church!
I love your idea about the ten young black lesbians, Bitherwack. That would be awesome.
You ought to make a movie about that.
I, too, am weary. I don’t know if I can do it. This made me cry.
Yeah, your girls sound ah-may-zing…seriously. Weary is quite apt – Katrina, I feel that way off and on. But, like others have mentioned here, knowing there are parents like Heather raising daughters so confident and astute keeps me hopeful that I can carve out a place for myself in church with my often disenchanted feelings – because I really, really, really think change is brewing – and we can further it. We just need to keep recognizing the wrongs, respectfully continuing to point them out, and teaching our kids to think critically.
I can only assume that your strategy is to make your daughters so disgusted by Mormonism that the second they leave your house, they want nothing further to do with it. The contempt they feel for the church must be enormous–and they must wonder why you insist on dragging them to it. Why do you? It’s clearly bad for their sense of self and sense of god–and it may be damaging their respect for you, that you insist on subjecting them to such misogynist nonsense.
My daughters are certainly not disgusted by Mormonism–and neither am I. I’m exhausted by some aspects of it, yes. And I think they are developing a very healthy sense of self and a sense of God. Sometimes that sense is in opposition to what they hear at church, and that’s fine by me, and sometimes that sense is in line with and/or because of what they hear/learn at church. That is fine by me as well.
I am not disgusted, and I do not plan on leaving the church when I turn 18. I very much appreciate that my mom tells us that we do not have to agree with everything, because as a young woman being told this is quite confusing. We always come with questions and she tells us how she feels, if she did’nt I would be more offended. I assumed to be in the church we do not have to agree with everything taught, and this is one of mine. I love the church, just being told I am insignificant except to “multiply and replenish the earth” or support my future husband kind of ruffles my feathers. I am proud to have gotten this sense of self significance from my mom, and I plan to always have it.
While I can appreciate wanting to stay in a community you are familiar with, I could not do it myself. At some point it hit me that church was supposed to be an uplifting place that filled my spiritual cup. But more often than not, I left church feeling angry, irritated, and at odds with everyone around me. I didn’t want to have to constantly be combating the things my children heard from thoughtless teachers who were just doing what they were told to do in manuals. I don’t know that I see the it as admirable to soldier on in those circumstances. You are supporting the very patriarchy you find so diminishing to women, and I for one would rather vote with my feet as I walk out the door. Have faith that you can find something better for you and your girls outside of patriarchy. Best wishes. xoxo
Hillary, I appreciate your comment and your suggestion. It’s something that’s on my mind often. I don’t feel admirable for soldiering on. I don’t know what I feel.
This is tempting for me to say to my fellow Mormon feminist sisters, but I think it’s because I have a blind spot when it comes to seeing why Mormon feminists stay in the Church. I had a feminist awakening and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t feel respected, and I felt genuinely afraid and dirty by supporting such blatant patriarchy and sexism.
So I don’t understand it, but I HAVE to take their word for it that they feel the need to stay. I have to respect it. I have to support them as they do what their inner voice tells them to do. And they are making a difference: there’s LDS WAVE, Exponent bloggers, D&S bloggers, MoSto groups, and other groups of people that want to change the Church from the inside out.
I think both the groups of feminist in the church and the groups outside serve a vital purpose. The ones inside who can stomach the middle way and feel called to stay or simply want to stay: they can affect change towards greater equality as they refuse to leave the Church and they refuse to put up with the sexist practices we all hate. And the ones outside the Church who have voted with their feet can talk about Mormon feminism in a different way. But the point is that we respect each other. We’re all in this together.
I appreciate this sentiment, Kendahl. I feel like I can’t breathe when I contemplate leaving . . . and sometimes when I sit in Relief Society as well! So much can’t-breathing! ;)
I love the idea that we all need to support each other–even when (maybe especially when?) we don’t understand each other. Maybe that’s the time to trust that each person knows what’s right for him/her.
Last year, I was so excited to get my kids new clothes for Easter. I found the prettiest little dress for my baby girl. I found darling sweaters for my boys. Then a week later, realized it was general conference on Easter. A little bugged (especially since there were precious few mentions of Easter during the conference), I decided to give this year another chance. I have been out of state for the last couple weeks, having taken my kids to visit their dad, who lives out of state with his new job. I again got cute clothes for them, and yesterday morning got them all dolled up. We got there, and the primary room was empty except for a TV. I had no idea it was stake conference. We sat for about 40 minutes, and did not hear one mention of Christ, the resurrection, or Easter. In fact, one speaker present a morality lesson, and the other talked about food storage. Worthy causes, to be sure, but on Easter sunday??? As a single mom of 3 young kids, I had had enough. We went down to our beautiful greenbelt along the river, played in the sunshine, and looked for signs of new life in the amazing spring weather. Both the sunshine and the new life abounded. I felt more rejuvenated, more inspired, and more grateful for the resurrection and meaning of Easter than sitting in that dark room in front of a TV. We then went to my daughter’s preschool, which is Lutheran, and listened to a beautiful sermon. You know, Mormons are more adamant than anyone about keeping Christ in Easter, and losing the Easter Bunny. However, we are also the first to cut Christ out of the most important celebration of the year. We say we focus more on His resurrection than his birth or death, and yet “gyp” ourselves of a beautiful opportunity to celebrate His resurrection with millions of other Christians around the world. I find it frustrating and pitiful.
I know Heather, it is surreal, the way we disconnect from the FAMILY of Heavenly Father, and cut MM so out of experiences and the pattern, especially when she had such a crucial part to play in the events of resurrection Sunday. It was so important that the early Catholic hierarchy, who chose the books to include in the New Testament, could not write her out completely. Next year, Larry and I will be attending some Episcopal services during Holy Week. I love that they include women in the story and in the services. Maundy Thursday and the vigil on Saturday night especially attract me. love and blessings, Debra
Ouch! I’m sorry, Heather. Like Anne said so well, stuff like this:
As young men are exposed to the world’s distorted role of womanhood, can they see in you the refinement and sweetness that encourage an attitude of reverence, respect, and honor for that sacred calling?
just screams “You need to be submissive! Not like those worldly women who dare to want things for themselves!” to me. Ugh.
Great post. Your daughters sound wonderful.
I was luckier than you. My Easter sunday services really focused on Christ. Well, sacrament meeting did. And then Sunday school the teacher decided to focus on that instead of the lesson. And then in RS, well… they didn’t have your subject at least. But it was odd how Christ just stop being mentioned. There is something so anti-climactic about Mormon Easter Sunday services.
But the thing is, that quote would have been wrong on ANY Sunday. The way they teach girls is just so… unhelpful. I have felt it since I was in the program. The focus is on the YM because they believe that if the men stay in the church the women will follow. I wonder if that is statistically proven? There are more available single women in the church now than there are available single men, but I wonder if that will continue to be the case…
“Anti-climactic” Yes that is the perfect word for it! It’s like, “Well, Christ was mentioned in Sacrament Meeting, so, thank for that, now we can go on with our regularly scheduled lives!”
There was a quote I remember hearing in the conference center during a YW general meeting years back. It started with something like “There are enough tough women in the world, what the world needs is more tender women.”. I remember at the time, as a BYU nursing student, thinking “there aren’t enough tough women in the world. What the world needs is more independent and assertive women, not more submissive and men-serving women”. I don’t enjoy hearing foul language from women, or from men. I don’t enjoy being around “hard” people who are angry at the world, but it applies to both women and men. If it is wrong for a woman, it is wrong for a man. If you want to say that the world needs more tender PEOPLE, I can go with that, but putting it on women to change harsh attitudes is wrong. A girl should be independent and comfortable with her own values and standards, because it is what she wants for her life, it is what makes her happy. NOT because it will please a man. If a man is pleased by that, great for him, but it is not the woman’s responsibility to provide that pleasure for him.
Kamisaki, I really love your statement about the need for independent and assertive women. It bothers me that women in the Church are so encouraged not to fight, especially not for ourselves. Don’t fight for equal pay. Don’t fight to end street harassment, because dressing “modestly” will stop that. Don’t fight for a place in the Church that acknowledges and celebrates your equality before God. Tenderness is important. It is a valuable quality that can make the world a better place. But we also absolutely need tough women. We need women who won’t take “no” or “it’s in the Handbook” for an answer.
Yes, your daughters appear to be very intelligent. They also appear to have been primed to take offense where none was intended. Carry on.
BOO! HISS!
@Beatus, you seem to be operating under the notion that if no offense is “intended,” then no offense exists. I have to disagree with you on that. In many cases, well-intentioned folks can, unfortunately, end up doing a lot of harm. . . If, for example, a well-meaning YW leader dutifully reads racist passages from the YW manual to young girls (e.g. passages discouraging interracial marriage, for example), then are those passage okay because the instructor “didn’t mean any harm”? A better question is where to assign blame, but that’s a topic for another day. . .
I think you can find truth in the church’s teaching of the gospel wherever you look. What better way to receive the Lord than by receiving and sustaining those servants whom he calls? For the Lord himself has said as much and promised all the Father hath will be given to those who act with faith in receiving the Lords servants. For whoseover receiveth my servants receiveth me.
Regarding a quote on “doing something” for the young men or anyone else my mind was immediately brought to the Lord. Ironic considering this example was supposed to be used as a departure from Christ centered Easter teaching. And yet the first thing I thought was that Christ performed his great work which Easter celebrates for someone else. It was a terrible price he paid and he did it for the glory of the Father and our own personal benefit. Every Sunday in Sacrament meeting we should be covenanting to do those things so we can become disciples of Christ in deed, which necessitates personal sacrifice, often to the benefit of others.
Helping our kids to recognize this is where they will actually come to know God.
Well, this probably won’t be surprising, but I don’t think that comparing the situation here (telling the girls to behave/act/dress in a certain way to help the YM) to the atonement is at all helpful or meaningful.
Heather, if your mind is made up, it’s made up. I was filling in a different perspective, informed by focusing on the Savior. I absolutely think we can be Christlike in a variety of ways that don’t involve us being crucified. I suppose a bystander might have said of Christ, “Dying on the cross and bleeding from every pore because I’m envious of my neighbor isn’t helpful or meaningful.”
“And that, Heather, is what makes me better and more spiritual than you and your daughters. That, and the fact that I’m male.”
Politics. All is politics. I see no gospel principles in this rant. Your lesson is one week behind and not based on the intended church wide instructions that does talk of Christ and the ressurection. As for the talk about how girls should act I can only assume you don’t watch television or go to movies. Your daughters response, ironically, is rare in this world. Not out of feminist pride, but because not enough are doing it for the Lord much less themselves. Be honest, if you were to replace “boys” with “Christ,” would you be any more comfortable?
Anonny, I would be slightly more comfortable because at least replacing “boys” with “Christ” would point towards an internal, personal relationship with Christ. But mostly it would confuse me because so much of the New Testament is about Christ not being a respecter of persons and calling the Pharisees out on outward rather than inward expressions of their faith.
This was hard for me to read. Weary is the right word. I feel weary often after LDS church services because I feel as if I’m in a giant vehicle which is going to go in one given direction whether I want it to or not, and that I can’t just step out and leave without getting run over by the traffic of disappointed friends and family.
I’ve come to accept that for a good while I will have less voice over what my dear children hear and see on Sundays than my faithful LDS family that is pushing their own agenda. In their minds, this is good for my kids; in my mind, this is bad for them. And yet we must live side by side and find a way to make things work. If the church weren’t so polarizing, this wouldn’t be an issue.
I love what strong and confident girls you’re raising!!! I hear you – our church sometimes misses the mark on celebrating Easter. Our ward had a leadership training meeting! On Easter morning! We went to another church on Good Friday to hear a choir sing. It was so beautiful – the choir left the room in silence as did all of the audience. It was neat to think about that day… Anyway, I’m so glad my hubby sent this to me! I do not take enough time to read (or post as you can tell by my lack of Ride To Church…) Anyway, I love that we’re still in touch and I feel totally close to you through FB. :) You’re awesome dear Heather!!
We had Stake Conference on Easter.
.
The First Presidency sent a letter to bishops and branch presidents encouraging them to change whatever lessons were scheduled to something focused on, you know, Easter. You might wonder why that didn’t happen. Aren’t they sustaining their priesthood leaders?
@Th.
I’m serving as a Bishop right now (in North America), and can tell you no such letter was sent out. I’ve reviewed the “official communications library” that provides electronic versions of the letters, as well as my personal records…no letter.
In our ward, the selection of lessons and teachers is left up to the individual organizations. So if someone had a problem with a YW lesson, talking to the YW President about it would be the way to address the issue. Voicing one’s concerns to the bishop might help too.
Posting on the internet about it instead? Less effective.
The experience of going to church will always have moments where it doesn’t live up to one’s expectations. I applaud the OP’s efforts to celebrate Easter in her home, in a way which was pleasing to her. She could have gone all day without saying the rest.
Because it’s never okay to talk about how you feel, especially when you’re frustrated by endless soul-grinding experiences at church.
Dear Looking for Perspective, there is a difference between things happening at church that did not live up to one’s expectations, and things that are just wrong, and should be addressed not only at the local level, but at the church-wide level. Sexism and gender bias and not putting Christ in the center of Easter seems to me to be among the latter.
Debra,
My point is that real changes are affected by talking to the real people involved. For OP, that would be the leaders and fellow saints in her ward.
Mini-rants in little corners of the internet to audiences of like-minded individuals often serve instead to build up one’s feelings of resentment, as well as an “us-vs-them” mentality, instead of a “family-working-together” attitude.
As a disciple of Christ who is striving to ensure that women within my sphere of influence are respected, equally empowered, and ministered to, it would break my heart to find that someone had been upset or offended and not been able to share that with myself, a visiting teacher, or a friend.
In our ward, I met with the YW on Easter (where they watched some of the Bible videos released by the church, and read the accompanying passages about the Savior’s Atonement, crucifixion, and resurrection), and then met with them again the following week, when they had the sustaining the Priesthood lesson. Both classes were well taught by YW Presidency members, with opportunity for discussion and placing the issues being discussed in the context of the girls’ lives.
I sympathize both with the OP and her struggles, and with her poor ward leadership who labors oblivious to her concerns and the resentment she feels towards them.
im so sorry that a few of you came away offended by the words of these leaders. i can understand why/how if taken a certain way can be offensive to you. i just wanted to let you know that us fellas in the church have been given similar talks. go to lds.org and search the talk givin by President Gordon B Hinkley. its called “Living Worthy of the Girl You Will Someday Marry” i was on my mission in colorado when this was givin and i remember feeling the Spirit quite powerfully during it. i never forgot it.
I teach the Laurel’s at church and for most of the lessons I don’t use ANY of the material in the lesson manual. I find that most of the quotes are outdated, the way the material is presented can be very one-sided and very gender role specific. Instead, on LDS.org if you click on lesson manuals and then click on the appropriate lesson there are on the right hand side of the screen is a column labeled, ” Additional Resources”. There are recent conference talks, new video clips (from LDS.YOUTH) and usually a talk written by a woman general authority. From those resources I find the inspiration to create and teach a lesson.
I realize that I may not be the normal teacher, but I guess I may not be a “normal or traditional mormon” either ( I like to think out of the box, and in this case out of the lesson manual). These girls need to taught differently, to be independent, to feel that womanhood is something wonderful and to not feel like second class members in our church.
v.kerr, those additional resources don’t seen to get used very often. At least they don’t in our ward.
Does anyone else have this problem? Is there a way to get the word out so that more YW teachers use them???