In last week’s LDS General Conference session. Elder Nelson, a prominent priesthood leader, said,“ Teach of faith to keep all the commandments of God, knowing that they are given to bless His children and bring them joy. Warn them that they will encounter people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore others that they choose to break. I call this the cafeteria approach to obedience. This practice of picking and choosing will not work. It will lead to misery. To prepare to meet God, one keeps all of His commandments. It takes faith to obey them, and keeping His commandments will strengthen that faith.”
Wow – apparently, the cat is out of the bag. They know about us Cafeteria Mormons. You know us – the Mormons who say, “I don’t like this rule — it’s ridiculous. This one makes sense, and so does that one, so that’s what I’ll live by, but I’m not drinking the obedience kool-aid.” We actively choose what we put on our plates, based on belief. And this conscious picking and choosing of beliefs, according to Elder Nelson, will “lead to misery”. (For full effect, read that again and play some ominous music in the background. . .. “It will not work, you will be lead into misery.” Ooh…ahh. . …!!!)
I’m reminded of the importance of living life on one’s own terms. I’m not so interested in obedience to an external source, but about finding peace through honoring my own inner-voice. It’s not about being rebellious, lazy or undisciplined. It’s not about a lack of faith. Cafeteria Mormonism is about a shift in authority. To the leaders of the church this may seem dangerous and obviously they are very concerned of the evils of the world, or the wild chaos that might ensue if everyone is left to honor their own inspiration. I, on the other hand, am not afraid of the consequences of opening my mind and looking at my beliefs and lifestyle through my own divine intelligence. I’m not giving away that inner wisdom – not to a Bishop, a prophet, or even a Heavenly Father or Mother. Not because I’m rebellious or defiant or unwise. Not because I want to sin, but because can I no longer can live a life that I don’t own and take full responsibility for. My faith has shifted, and I can’t ignore what I know – that my inner voice is more important to honor than anyone else’s. I cannot afford to take the risk of ignoring it. I believe what Elizabeth Gilbert so eloquently wrote: “God move through you, as you.” To deny that divinity moving through me, to project it onto an external authority, is in my opinion — much more dangerous than exercising faith in obedience to rules that do not meet with my better judgment.
Perhaps the most prominent display of Cafeteria-style Mormonism at our house has been our growing enjoyment of the evil little bean. Many of you will understand the symbolism and kindness of my birthday gift from my active LDS husband this year – a beautiful Cuisinart espresso maker.
The kids have responded appropriately to our shifting Mormonism, according to their current stage of human development. It’s no surprise that our 11-year old who is in the developmental phase of black-and-white, right-or-wrong mindset seems to have the most concerns. He has had big questions about coffee and me not attending church, yet in true 11-year old fashion he balances those concerns with a huge open-heart. He’s beginning to see that maybe coffee and church attendance aren’t the barometer of being a good person.
Enter Monday night. We had a long drive home from our day trip to Santa Cruz, and I was sorting through my hubby’s I-pod for music as I drove home. I clicked on Bengt Washburn’s comedy act, not remembering that he uses a lot of colorful language. There were a few notable bad words, and when I looked back I saw my eleven year old convulsing in laughter. Months ago, he would have NEVER gotten past the first F-bomb without shock and guilt. I paused the I-pod and asked if he felt OK, and reminded him that these were “adult” words, and that it wasn’t language we used much in our house. (And I had that awkward parenting moment, wondering if he was old enough to get the subtlety of how to properly use a bad word.) He assured me he was fine, and as the comedy act went on, the language chilled out, and we laughed and laughed the whole way home.
When Bengt got to the part about coffee, my son was in hysterics. He seemed to “get it” – that Mormons aren’t like the rest of society. He knew instinctively how to laugh at Mormonism and love it at the same time. His laughter told me that he knew we were different — an odd blend of Mormon plus everything else around us – and that’s OK. This odd blend had in fact, become our new “normal”.
Oddly, this has been the most rewarding experience I’ve had with my family and Mormonism in a long time. So I’m sending out a special thanks to Bengt for being so damn funny and insightful at the same time. Big thanks for calling it like he sees it and for finding the humor in the culture and religion, without feeling the need to attack it. We need more role models like Mr. Washburn out there.
So here I go, raising my coffee mug to Cafeteria Mormons everywhere. May we laugh at our insanity and love it at the same time. May we enjoy all that nourishes us, and leave the rest, especially that extra helping of guilt. Bottoms up!
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Thank you for this great post! It has been a great read as well as reminding me how much I enjoy Bengt’s comedy. As I sit in my car during the 2nd and 3rd hour of church, I have been validated and entertained. Two very important things to me. :) Thanks Laurie!
I am more of a doctrinal buffet mormon. I take what I believe in and leave the parts that don’t resonate with me or make me super uncomfortable. Why can’t that type of Mormon be recognized ?
Karen – I think everybody is a doctrinal buffet Mormon! There are just so many contradictory teachings, it’s impossible not to pick and choose which ones we’ll follow…
Laurie, I too LOVE coffee. Helen got us an espresso maker for a Valentine’s day present, even though she doesn’t like coffee, and never uses it: a really kind gesture. I’m a big fan of espresso, because (whatever the foodstuff) I’m a fan of strong flavours… and I like that there’s virtually no calories, so I can drink as many as I like!
As for ‘cafeteria mormonism’, I’m a big fan of the concept, but dislike the label – it sounds too flippant. I like that your post addresses the huge and universal issue of personal responsibility – I think the GA’s choice of term seeks to distract from the seriousness of this issue. Every person of faith needs to face up to the fact that if they do not choose their articles of faith, then their lifestyle cannot be counted as a virtue. People throughout the history of the world have lived in obedience – and mostly, to corrupt regimes. Goodness is expressed through a more full exercise of our moral agency: visible most in the so-called ‘cafeteria’ Mormons/Catholics/etc.
PS: Do you grind your own beans? I really want a grinder.
Yea, I’m not a fan of the label either.
We ground our own beans until we got the espresso maker. I run the whole beans through the commercial grinder at the store right after I buy them – I think the grinder there does a more uniform job than my home grinder, and the grinds still stay fresh in a glass jar. I miss the smell of grinding though!
That’s what I do: I get them to grind them at the shops where I buy the coffee… but still, it’s never the same as that first few coffees from that batch. Perhaps I should buy less, more often… I read somewhere that a significant proportion of the aroma of the coffee is lost within an hour of grinding, if left in contact with the air. I believe it, too… there can’t be any smell more beautiful than when you first open a can of Illy… amazing stuff! It’s all part of the magic for me, this fragile, elusive element.
Grinder is worth it, Andy. I still use the French Press for regular coffee, and I much prefer buying the beans whole and grinding them up a few batches at a time. Also just found a nice-looking Espresso whole-bean blend at Trader Joes that we’ll be trying when the current supply runs out. Go Dark Master!
Thanks for the great post. I’m not familiar with Bengt Washburn’s comedy. I’ll have to check it out.
You will want to check out the Mormon Stories Episode with Washburn
http://mormonstories.org/?p=924
Mormon Stories is where I discovered his comedy – it’s a great interview!
Thank you , Laurie. This put into words perfectly what I’ve been trying to articulate. And I love the video clip!
Go Bengt! Go Laurie!
Great article! I raise my mug of tea to you over here in Taiwan.
Great article Laurie. Although I still don’t understand coffee’s appeal. Maybe I need to try some different kinds.
It gives you a buzz, heightens your alertness and mental capacities, and also performs a social function: bringing people together all over the world. Kind of like the ‘fruits of the spirit’ were explained to me as a youth in the Church, now I come to think of it.)
I discovered coffee at the suggestion of my psychologist who was treating me for ADD, and I felt the pharmaceuticals we were trying were much to invasive. I found that with it, my mind functions much, much better.
I remember being a new mom at the park, being barely able to function, feeling grumpy and exhausted and looking at the other (non-lds) moms with newborns, smiling and playing with their kids, wondering where they got their energy. Now, I know – Coffee! If I had only known their secret…..
I like espresso because it’s created under huge pressure, leaving a gentle crema on the top which softens it’s bitterness. My favorite way to drink it is a mocha: with a shot or two of espresso in a mug, steamed skim milk, and a bit of chocolate syrup (midnight moo is the best).
Laurie, this part of your post really struck me:
I agree with every word, I feel it in my bones. Yet, it still sounds amazingly bold to me. Even a little frightening. Sometimes when I talk to my non-Mormon friends about the evolution of my faith, I can see them looking mystified, unsure why my position is so radical. Yet, I know that all human beings struggle with giving their authority away. We give it to jobs, money, parents, friends, diets, exercise regimes — all kinds of things. I think this is what we are talking about when we talk about being awake.
Some of you may be interested in a film I co-directed a few years back called “Wrestling With God: A Three-Way Conversation on Mormonism” that, in addition to other perspectives, addresses the “buffet” or “cafeteria” Mormon. When we originally screened it at the LDS Film Festival, there were a number of viewers who questioned the assertions made in the film about picking and choosing which commandments to follow. Nelson’s comments remind me of the statements, made from the pulpit, after Richard Poll’s “What the Church Means to People Like Me” essay.
Torben, where would we find your film if we were interested in watching it. It does sound interesting.
Sounds interesting, I’ll check it out.
I really enjoyed your writing. I am very honored that somebody who writes and thinks this well enjoys my comedy.
Thank you… (she says, blushing). I’m so excited you found my little article – I wasn’t expecting to have a celebrity sighting on D&S today!
A celebrity sighting. Love it!
Bengt is in the house!!!
Oops! Here you go! :) http://www.vimeo.com/820871
Loved it – thanks so much for posting this, Torben. You make me want to experiment with this kind of form myself… I’m sure it’s really not as easy as you make it look, though! It reminds me a lot of the wonderful humanity and flow of Linklater’s movies, that Heidi’s reviewing on ‘Rogue Cinema’ at the moment… what a wonderful way to present a synthesis of thought.
I loved that video. I laughed out loud when Bengt talked about feeling like drinking coffee was a rebel’s way to mix with the underworld HAHA! I felt the exact same way when I started occasionally drinking Starbucks frapacinnos in high school. I thought I was such a badass!
It’s just silly isn’t it to think about the whole hoopla with coffee. I remember reading one study that observed that the average American gets MOST of their antioxidants from coffee. I guess there are more antioxidants in coffee than blueberries (which are loaded). It’s natural and the caffeine doesn’t even noticeably effect the heart unless you’ve consistently had like 7 + servings a day for an extended period of time. My father chugs like 5 diet cokes a day and MANY faithful LDS members I know love their Mountain Dew but c’mon, coffee is clearly the healthier choice. Soda is loaded with corn syrup made in a lab, added to carbonated water which dehydrates the body. We all have our vices and I’m not saying soda is a big deal but coffee is actually proving to have many health benefits (if consumed in moderation).
That quote by E. Nelson is pretty annoying and it makes me want to throw up my hands in defeat for trying so hard to keep the church in my life. I don’t know how many times I need them to tell me I’m not welcome before I’ll just get the point and leave them alone. Grrrrrrrrrr.
Why stay awake! That is soooooo hilarious! LOL
One trait that i find at an even lower end anaheim restaurant is knowledge of the menu.