26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. — Michael Jordan
In one of the best Relief Society lessons I’ve heard, the teacher discussed our spiritual journey and how we needed a working vehicle in order to keep moving. One of the ways she thought we could “break down” on that journey was through sin. She asked us to share sins that sometimes get us stuck and the Mormon Perfectionism Syndrome, usually most visible in testimony meeting and the decorations for Enrichment, suddenly took over the room. Most people just looked away avoiding eye contact like the plague similar to when the teacher asks for a volunteer for prayer.
Then someone said, “well sometimes when I read my scriptures EVERY DAY, I just read them to be done. I don’t spend a lot of time really getting into them. I might just read for 20 minutes and not really meditate or cross reference . . . ” As it turned out that day, this was the worst thing any of us could admit to. Apparently we were all driving spiritual Ferraris and just came to Relief Society to rev our engines.
I’m not suggesting we needed a support group, each of us sharing our most dark thoughts. It was probably best left a rhetorical question. But that answer was typical and telling.
In life, there’s a certain form of imperfection that adds to the character and charm. Imperfect moments lend humor and memory. The Liberty Bell is cracked. We pay extra for distressed jeans and furniture. Sometimes I wish people came with that disclosure:
Due to the handmade artistry, variation between individual [people] should be expected and appreciated.
But there’s always a place perfectionism is valued. At work, we’re expected to do our jobs correctly. We want our children to get straight A’s. And particularly, at church, I find perfectionism a value in the community, a close cousin to excellence. We are striving for a state where we do no wrong, make no mistakes, have no flaws.
Yet this presumed positive has another side as well. In my own life, perfectionism is the enemy to creativity and authenticity, a way to get stuck in and of itself. It is an unwillingness to appear flawed and prevents me from taking risks, trying new things and developing relationships. It is the sister of pride, it stops me from offering even my best to the world because my best is generally flawed. I am unwilling to be trusted to take the game winning shots for my team because I can’t be certain they’ll be made.
When Christ said “Be ye therefore perfect, even as I am perfect” I’ve read before that complete is a better translation of the word perfect. Do we believe that?
How does perfection work in your life – does it drive you to offer your best or does it tie your hands because your best is never perfect?
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I am already perfect and I believe you and everyone is too. Nobody is as perfect at being you as you are. Nobody is as perfect at being me as I am. Jesus was perfect because he was perfect at being Jesus. This is how I choose to employ perfectionism in my life and I tell my kids DAILY that they are perfect to me, because they are. We are born perfect and die in that perfectionism because “God don’t make no junk”
I don’t believe in either extreme. Perfection is a destructive thing. But the notion that “we are all perfectly ourselves” flies in the face of experience, because we all know we’re flawed. It’s just the other side of the same coin, and that coin is that there’s something wrong with flaws.
The paradigm I prefer is that we’re children of God currently growing and developing. We are not perfect, but we are not deficient either. Not only is there no need to get everything right RIGHT NOW, it’s actually a psychotic belief to think we can, because it’s impossible.
No one would claim that a six year old taking piano lessons should make no mistakes and be able to play in Carnegie Hall. Yet there is nothing “flawed” about the child’s inexperienced piano playing skills. The child is merely developing, growing, working on getting better and better every day. Absolutely no moral issue involved.
This is how all humans learn how to do everything: by trying and practicing and making mistakes and learning from them how to do better. Perfectionism disrupts this process and actually stymies us from being able to grow. In other words, perfectionism thwarts the plan of salvation, which is eternal progression.
But to say we are all perfect right now is just as untrue. All of us have lots of growth and development and learning to do, and even accomplished concert pianists keep practicing to get better and better. Anyone who feels he has arrived has just “damned” himself in the sense of stopping growth.
The whole paradigm about flaws is faulty. We MUST make mistakes or we can’t grow. A person who avoids making mistakes is a person who avoids accomplishing anything. Instead of an absence of mistakes, we should be celebrating intent, desire to grow, and accomplishment, and recognize mistakes and failures are part of the process of growth.
Mormonism doesn’t do a very good job of teaching this because Mormonism institutionally focuses on sins and rooting them out of our lives. Yet unless someone has evil intent, so-called “sins” are nothing more than mistakes on the path to growth. The process of repentance is generally seen in a negative way: a process of sorrow, difficult struggling, paying for sins, and wiping the black marks from our record. Instead we should be celebrating repentance as the natural process of growth–examining our mistakes and learning from them.
The D&C says repentance is confessing our sins and forsaking them. All those other steps we’re taught in church lessons are not ennumerated in the D&C. We acknowledge our mistakes, and we learn from them so we don’t repeat them–it’s as simple as that. And that’s a description of how human beings learn and grow.
Enjoyed your OP Mel. I have for some time now substituted the footnote for the word perfect “GR complete, finished, fully developed” when I use Matt 5:48. It seems to fit in with what D. Michael Martindale was saying above which I quite agree with, especially the following:
“This is how all humans learn how to do everything: by trying and practicing and making mistakes and learning from them how to do better. Perfectionism disrupts this process and actually stymies us from being able to grow. In other words, perfectionism thwarts the plan of salvation, which is eternal progression.
But to say we are all perfect right now is just as untrue. All of us have lots of growth and development and learning to do, and even accomplished concert pianists keep practicing to get better and better. Anyone who feels he has arrived has just “damned” himself in the sense of stopping growth.
The whole paradigm about flaws is faulty. We MUST make mistakes or we can’t grow. A person who avoids making mistakes is a person who avoids accomplishing anything. Instead of an absence of mistakes, we should be celebrating intent, desire to grow, and accomplishment, and recognize mistakes and failures are part of the process of growth.
Mormonism doesn’t do a very good job of teaching this because Mormonism institutionally focuses on sins and rooting them out of our lives. Yet unless someone has evil intent, so-called “sins” are nothing more than mistakes on the path to growth. The process of repentance is generally seen in a negative way: a process of sorrow, difficult struggling, paying for sins, and wiping the black marks from our record. Instead we should be celebrating repentance as the natural process of growth–examining our mistakes and learning from them.”
I hope the instructor for your RS lesson was winging it and not following a suggestion from the manual. The last thing RS needs is to be turned into a semi-pubic confessional booth.
“…semi-pubic confessional booth.”
Ouch! My tongue is stinging from biting down so hard on it to resist taking advantage of that slip!
Then someone said, “well sometimes when I read my scriptures EVERY DAY, I just read them to be done. I don’t spend a lot of time really getting into them. I might just read for 20 minutes and not really meditate or cross reference . . . “
This sounds like the classic “my weakness is actually a strength” type response to the job interview question, “What’s your biggest weakness?”
In my own life, perfectionism is the enemy to creativity and authenticity, a way to get stuck in and of itself. It is an unwillingness to appear flawed and prevents me from taking risks, trying new things and developing relationships.
I like your description. My experience is very much like this. I think I’ve learned a little over time to be happier with “just good enough,” rather than trying to make everything perfect, but it’s been a struggle. Like you, I’ve found my perfectionism to be limiting because there are things I just won’t do because I fear being embarrassed by how badly I might/will do them.
Ziff said: “Like you, I’ve found my perfectionism to be limiting because there are things I just won’t do because I fear being embarrassed by how badly I might/will do them.”
URg. Yep. I feel like this, too. I ran a 10K in March and almost didn’t do it because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to run the whole thing without stopping . . . and the only way I was gonna do it was if I ran the whole thing without stopping.
Now I have this idea that I’m going to run a half marathon in November, but I’m back to being stuck in this corner: either I run the whole thing without stopping or I don’t do it at all. ?? So I leave the browser window open so that I see the registration page every day . . . but I haven’t signed up yet.
This is certainly my biggest personal weakness and a significant barrier to all kinds of experiences. I think it was here on D&S several weeks ago someone said they were trying to learn how to accept their best as good enough. Really, honestly, accepting that. I have been thinking on that and it pops into my head when I am fearful or hesitant to do something because I know it won’t be perfect. At work, we were talking about our individual weaknesses, and both me and my supervisor said we were poor listeners because we were always thinking ahead, trying to come up with a response that would make us sound witty, clever, smart; the perfect conversationalist. But it’s really all about ego. It has helped me to re-frame these daily thought patterns of mine, realizing why I am or am not doing something, and changing it. Whenever I meet someone who is honest and open about their flaws, I always like them best and seek out their company. Not because this makes me feel superior, but because if they can accept their own flaws so readily and publicly, then they surely will accept mine which is at the core of this insecurity. As a Mormon culture, this is the kind of group mentality which keeps a lot of people at a distance, from both the church and God himself.
“When Christ said “Be ye therefore perfect, even as I am perfect” I’ve read before that complete is a better translation of the word perfect. Do we believe that?”
My interpretation of this one is, that Christ said “be”, not “become” ye therefore perfect. There is a flavor of the word “be” that implies that perfection is something that’s available to us now, in this moment or else he would have said, “become ye therefore perfect.” Perfection or wholeness comes through accepting ourselves where we are, in this moment. And this moment, is perfect – flaws and all.