Today’s guest post is written by Caitlin.
My first week of grad school ended in an emotional break-down, not unlike one of an adolescent who came to a new school and had no friends. I sobbed to my husband that now that we left Utah I felt like a freak-an outsider-in a world apart from my classmates and colleagues. Here I was, twenty-five years old, a first-year grad student with two kids. My husband, now a full-time stay-at-home dad, thinks it’s awesome to be an anomaly, but I simply felt left out, juggling my world of breast milk and bell hooks alone.
Fortunately, my second month in, I have embraced the lifestyle choice we made for me to go back to school. My current university has been incredibly accommodating of me as a mother; there are lactation rooms all over campus, there is a childcare tuition assistance fund for student-parents that pays for a majority of our son’s preschool, and numerous free programs at my married student housing complex. My department has welcomed my children at functions and is very aware of my needs in comparison with others.
In contrast, BYU, as an institution, was not family-friendly to students or professors. While there, I worked with a group of Public Health students who petitioned to create a room on campus for nursing mothers, since there wasn’t one designated as such-just some old couches in the restrooms, usually occupied by sleeping undergrads. The administration immediately shot down the proposal-even though it didn’t require additional funds-claiming that there was not a single room on campus they could spare. I know of many nursing mothers (I was one of them) who could have used such a room. It’s ironic to me that the LDS church preaches for women to “get an education” and “get married” and “don’t delay the babies” while in no way supporting young mothers (or any mothers, for that matter).
Though there are occasional moments where I realize just how different my current perspective is compared to some of my radical feminist classmates in my theory seminar, I am counting my blessings for a progressive husband, for flexible children, and for the support of everyone as I embark on this journey…
Despite having a husband who stays home with my kids, I realize I am still doing more work than most. When I look at the families with a husband in school and a wife at home with the kids, I know we are in a much harder and more complex situation. No matter the reversed roles, I am still the woman, the supplier of milk and the one with the late-night feeding sessions. I cannot be away all day because sometimes, there is simply not enough breast milk stored away for the hungry six-month-old who is still very reluctant to take a bottle. Most days my husband carries her in the Ergo all day while coaxing her to drink milk and not scream at him. Thus, last week when there was a visiting scholar speaking on a topic in which I was highly interested, I wanted to attend but knew it would disrupt our tenuous arrangement. I might have skipped it and taken the easy path, but then my professor urged us to go. I texted my husband to bring the kids up to campus; I would nurse the baby beforehand and then we could all go home together afterwards. With two kids in tow, he was too late for me to feed her before the lecture, so I took her in with me assuming she would fall asleep. However, she didn’t. After eating, she perked right up and wanted to play. She was quietly exploring my water bottle for a while, but then became noisy so I stood up to take her to the back of the room and try to walk her to sleep. As I stood up, the speaker paused, stared, and waited for us to leave the room (which I had not planned to do, but felt forced to now). Though I felt a little embarrassed, I was actually more puzzled. She wasn’t making much more noise than the students around me furiously texting or typing on their laptops. On the other hand, maybe (and especially coming from Provo, Utah) I don’t realize the novelty of a little baby, and the distraction that inherently carries with it.
When I posed the question in a Facebook group, I received the almost unanimous response that lectures are not appropriate places for babies, as they can be distracting and will detract from the speaker. Understandable, sure, but this also raises the question: if we preclude mothers from combining work/family in such ways, then will mothers always be disadvantaged when it comes to entering fields and ascending to prominent positions within those fields without sacrificing their families on the altars of achievement?
I understand that others should not be inconvenienced by my choice to have children early and by my choice to breastfeed. On the other hand, my husband, or any father for that matter, would never have to make this choice. Had the gender roles been reversed, he simply would have attended the lecture and come home a few hours later, not bothered by the fact that he had two children at home.
In Unbending Gender: Why Family and Work Conflict and What to Do About It, Joan Williams proposes a radical reworking of the American workplace. She postulates that American workplaces are built around male bodies, and proposes both corporate and legal reforms to achieve a workplace where mothers are not only tolerated, they are welcomed and accommodated.
What creative solutions could we use to integrate family and workspace (particularly academia) more efficiently and in such a way that is conducive to mothers and their unique situations? How can we rework the workplace to make it a more accessible place for both mothers and children without sacrificing productivity?
This is my experince too.
Very interesting post. I just finished a PhD program in business school where it is not unusual for the students to have familes. It is also the school that produced this seminal work on women trying to make inroads into the professions and academia which I highly recommend any family reading. http://www.ilr.cornell.edu/ilrpress/titles/4533.html
I had 4 children when I went back. One of my good friends was older than me and had 3 older children, another had 2 kids, another student had 2 kids, one while in grad school and another just had her first child. The women are now getting some advice that if they can afford to take an extra year that having a baby in grad school might be a better strategy than waiting until the tenure clock starts. So juggling family and a PhD program in our area was not novel. That said we did only have relatively rare visits and sightings of the kids on the floor. I think I took one baby to a seminar once because my wife had to leave her with me. It was a collegues talk and I asked before hand. No one had a problem with it and she was quiet as a mouse. Others have done it occasionally as well though usually with internal speakers I would hazard to guess.
Keep on keeping on! We are all proud of you and your husband for forging your own path that is right for you and your family!
I, too, had infants in grad school. My department was, in my opinion, very accommodating. I often brought my infants to class and lectures. Radical feminists-I count myself in that group – sometimes need to be introduced to family and baby life. I think it’s a serious problem when we as a society can’t imagine merging babies with the rest of life. It does take a radical reenvisioning to understand that all of us can work with children around. If we want a peaceful and loving and educated society, we have to be willing to change what ‘normal ‘ looks like. We too often think of children as an inconvenience everywhere outside the home. I like time away from my children as much as any tired mother, but we can do better than total separation. Lectures are a perfectly reasonable place for infants. If I’m ever giving one, you are welcome to come with your baby…and more than welcome to breast feed in the room. It’s normal.
I am with you on this one, babies are always allowed in my future college classes. Facebook will be banned.
I didn’t actually mean to imply that I’m not a radical feminist by referring to my classmates. Let’s overthrow some patriarchy, shall we?!
I remember once back in grad school chatting with a professor–the only female professor in my department–about women and science careers (my degree is in atmospheric and oceanic sciences) and her pointing out to me how the academic lifestyle’s un-accommodating-ness to women resulted in a general attrition of women in academic science positions. One need only have looked at our department for confirmation of this. Of our 45 or so graduate students, slightly more than half were women, and as a group we did as well academically as the men. We had only three or four female postdocs (out of about ten or 12–we were never a very postdoc-heavy department). And of the 20 or so faculty members, only one woman. A lot of women take jobs in government or industry, which are more lifestyle-friendly than academics.
I know there are a host of potential policy changes that could be pursued to help make academics more female-friendly… particularly extending time to meet tenure requirements where women have taken time off for childbirth.
I’m not surprised BYU had a hard time with something as straightforward as a lactation room. Oh, BYU… I have some truly sad memories of life as a female budding scientist at that institution. It was hard that there were so few of us–I remember physics classes of 90 or 100 with only five or six other women–but there was worse. At one point, I was thinking about medical school, and when I went to see the premedical advisor, he told me that medicine wasn’t a very good career for a woman because it would be hard to manage a family. He encouraged me to look into optometry or pharmacy school. I was so angry and hurt by that–but at the time I didn’t have the words to articulate it, or the self-confidence to stand up to the guy.
Wow, great post. I hope to be going to grad school myself next year with a kid or two in tow, and have wondered how that will play out.
I absolutely agree with Joan Williams that social structures right now are designed in such ways that they favor men quite dramatically. It will take some serious re-imagining to achieve real gender equality in this world, but I believe it’s necessary that we do so.
Great post, really thought provoking. As a man in the workplace, however, I can tell you I don’t feel particularly accommodated.
Progress is being made at BYU. It was slow in coming.
Nursing Mothers Policy
12 December 2011
The university provides reasonable break time for an employee to express breast milk for her nursing child each time she has need to do so for up to one year after the child’s birth. The university also provides a place for employees, students and visitors, other than a bathroom, that is shielded for privacy and may be locked from the inside.
The university has designated the following rooms for use as outlined in this policy:
ASB B135
CB 243C
MSRB 107A
TMCB 195A
WSC 2080
In addition, the employee may coordinate with her supervisor to identify another more convenient location that meets all the requirements of the policy. As needed, the employee and supervisor will identify an appropriate space for the employee to store the milk.
Thanks Chad, I didn’t think about that BYU would be forced to now with the new healthcare reform. Though, it has been confirmed to me on Facebook that this is not widely advertised? I have a friend at BYU with a baby and had never heard of a room for her to go pump. I spread your message to her though.
Hi, I’m wondering where Chad got this information and why this isn’t advertised at the University? I’m currently advocating for more family-friendly resources at BYU.
Although I worked primarily from home while I had babies and was nursing, I did have one interesting experience with babies and workplace. And it was a good one.
When my third baby was 2 1/2 weeks old, I took her with me to a national conference where I was to present a paper where women are the minority (underwater acoustics research). (She was so tiny that she just slept and nursed, which made it a totally different situation than if I’d taken an older, more active baby.) I had the stroller, sat on the back row, found quite places to nurse, etc. My female colleague held her, and even had to take her out of the room when she started to make noise, while I gave my talk.
I was pleasantly surprised by the support I received from my male and female colleagues. I did not hear any negative comments or feel that I was looked down upon at subsequent meetings. On the contrary, I often have someone say something like, “I remember when you bought your baby. How long ago has that been? I can’t believe it’s been 9 years!”
I am optimistic that things will continue to improve, even at BYU. : )
Wow! Thank you so much for writing this. I went to BYU and graduated without being married. I always admired those mothers in my classes, wondering how they did it! I struggled doing the work (or not doing to be honest… :)) and I didn’t have to stay up late with a baby, nurse a child, or handle ring a wife on top of all of that. And yet, those women were the most dedicated to doing their homework, editing their papers so they were perfect. Seriously, Y’ALL ARE THE SUPERWOMEN OF THE WORLD! I hope that when I become a mother, and trying to finish school as I no doubt will be, I can be as amazing as y’all.
I think it is interesting to think that those people felt babies were distracting from lectures yet they were sitting with their laptops, probably on Facebook…… why is there such a stigma against mothers in the academic arena? Or in the work force? I’m not sure but I agree that something should change!
Thanks again from writing!
In response to your questions – I think the solution is for people to calm the heck down about moms OR dads bringing their babies with them when tactful and necessary. PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN. It’s ridiculous to pretend that we are 100% about our jobs and willing to sacrifice 100% for them. The reality is that some of us have families and they take time and effort to maintain, and sometimes we can’t separate family from work perfectly so that one never intrudes on the other.
You and your husband and both doing an amazing job. We are pretty far as a society from where we should be with regard to making workplaces and educational environments family friendly for both moms and dads.
For the problem of insufficient milk, you can contact your local La Leche League and find someone who can donate breastmilk to you (if you feel comfortable with that). It’s usually possible to find a mom who has extra milk and is happy for it to be used by someone who needs it.
The point of this post is that there should be societal accommodations to help her with milk production. As a retired LLL leader I value donor milk but this article is about ways to support mothers… Nursing rooms, better postpartum time off for both parents, support for sahds, etc.z
Are there any effective baby carriers for twins? I can picture a parent walking around with a child secured to the front, and
one to the backside. Dont think it would be the most pleasant arrangement.
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