Today’s Twelve Lunches column features a Guest Post from Mraynes as part of the The Exponent and Doves and Serpents swap.
My name is mraynes and I blog at the Exponent. I am currently a graduate student working towards a MPA with a concentration in Domestic Violence Policy. I also stay at home with my three small children and try to find contentment in domesticity.
The most subversive, revolutionary act in this world is to speak the truth. This is especially so for women. Speaking one’s truth is an act of courage requiring a level of assertiveness that may or may not be in a woman’s possession. Patriarchal cultures have traditionally frowned upon assertiveness in women, training their daughters instead to exist for those around them rather than for themselves. The consequences of trained passiveness don’t need explanation; suffice it to say that such a practice harms women in body, mind and soul.
I counseled victims of intimate partner violence for many years and saw firsthand the results of women trained to be passive and submissive. The damage done to women and children affected by this evil is unspeakable. As part of my counseling, I offered my clients an assertiveness training course. Here we would learn what assertiveness is and how it differs from passiveness and aggression-a concept that is a revelation for many women. I taught my clients how to use “I” language and how to communicate in an ethical way. And then we would practice . . . and practice . . . and practice . . .
Being assertive is uncomfortable, especially if one has been socialized to put others’ needs before their own. One of the most exciting aspects of my job was to witness my clients practice and successfully exhibit assertiveness. It didn’t end domestic violence-it didn’t even make them statistically less likely to be abused in the future-but I knew that even small acts of assertiveness would be important moments in their lives. Maybe it didn’t change the world but for that individual woman, it was world-changing.
This concept is easily applied outside of the domestic violence movement. Women in the Mormon Church also belong to a patriarchal culture where they have very little institutional power. We women are taught from toddlerhood that we are to be wives and mothers and devote ourselves fully to our families. It is easy to see how some women can interpret this socialization to believe that their personal feelings or needs are irrelevant. The passivity and passive-aggression that is so prevalent among Mormon women is a tragedy and cannot be what God wants for their daughters.
LDS women must tell their stories. A majority of these stories are positive but there are also stories that tell of the hurt that our institutional practices and culture create. All deserve to be told. All deserve to be heard. Those in power in this church-men-must begin to know what it feels like to be a Mormon woman. They must hear what it feels like to only have the role of wife and mother presented to you. They must be made aware of the experience of divorced, single and/or childless Mormon women, what that feels like and how lonely and painful it can be. They should hear the joy that we feel in being Disciples of Christ, in serving others and being served. We should tell them about the love we have for our sisters and brothers and the untapped power and goodness that could come if only we were allowed to access it fully. We must speak our truth powerfully, being respectful but absolutely confident in the validity of our experiences and feelings.
Maybe the stories we have to tell as Mormon women won’t change the broader church, but there is no doubt that they affect those around us. Maybe a bishop becomes more sensitive about the representation of women on his council. Maybe the gospel doctrine teacher makes the language of the scriptures gender inclusive. Maybe a greater sense of unity, of mourning with those who mourn and rejoicing with those who rejoice is developed in a ward. Providing a woman the knowledge of how to be assertive and then the opportunity to exercise that assertiveness can be church-changing, if only for that one woman.
As an advocate for women in and outside the Mormon Church, I have felt that oftentimes our focus is too broad, too grand. We dream of seeing the end of violence against women or equality of opportunities between the genders. To be sure, these are worthwhile goals but they can also become overwhelming and disheartening when it seems that year after year we are no closer to meeting them. So instead of focusing on those larger goals, I make it a point to model assertiveness in my own life and let each woman that I meet know that, at least with me, it is safe to do the same. Validating a woman’s authentic self maybe a subtle act of social justice, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t change the world.
mraynes, there are not enough “likes” available for me to say how much I like/love this. I’m going to print it out and have my daughters read it.
“So instead of focusing on those larger goals, I make it a point to model assertiveness in my own life and let each woman that I meet know that, at least with me, it is safe to do the same. Validating a woman’s authentic self maybe a subtle act of social justice, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t change the world.”
Love this. I try to do the same, and strangely, I’ve noticed that as my words have become more assertive, especially at church, I get a more positive response rather than the backlash I’m expecting. I’d been thinking it was just a result of my being more genuine and true to how I really think and feel, but I’m starting to see evidence of women really appreciating someone willing to behave and speak in the manner that they perhaps long to do for themselves, but are not yet sure of how to emulate – probably because in church culture there are so few examples for them. I do hope that by speaking out I can help women around me to feel comfortable doing the same.
I was struck by the same passage as Corktree. I even thought of this the other day when Stella posted on D&S with And It Was All Yellow. I am always struck by the small gesture, the everyday decision, the simple shift. It’s attainable, and it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter as much as a larger gesture. Like mraynes said, it may not change the world but to that woman it is life-changing.
That means so much, Heather. Thanks!
I’ve had that same exact experience in my ward, Corktree. In fact, some of the women in my ward have asked me to speak up more frequently! I echo what you say, if we model assertiveness those around us feel more comfortable to do the same. It has made such a big difference in my experience at church. If my experience is proof of anything, being assertive really does change the world because it changed mine.
It’s easy (for me) to get bogged down in feeling like what I do with regard to speaking out won’t matter. And I do believe that my voice/actions are unlikely to ever change the church as an institution. But I can make tiny inroads with the women with whom I interact, and with the kids I teach in Primary. Sometimes people at church will chuckle and say, “Well now, we know Heather’s probably not gonna like this . . .” so I know they’re hearing me. They know where I stand.
AND, even when I doubt the impact of my voice on those people, I have three kids who I know I am influencing. My daughter chose not to go to YW last night because she said the boys were “picking up sticks” (not sure what this exactly means . . . yard work?) and the girls were “learning how to do a blanket stitch.” She actually LOVES to learn to make crafts and would love to have a mom who can do anything domestic (ha!, too bad, so sad), so I was surprised to hear that she didn’t want to go.
She said, “I’m just so tired of the whole ‘boys go do this fun/outside thing’/’girls stay inside and learn to sew’ thing. Why does our gender dictate everything we do at church?”
So we had a very nice dinner together at home last night, my three kids and I (their dad wasn’t home from work) and then, get this–we made pumpkin bread! ;)
Good for her, Heather. And good for you!
Where were you 40+ years ago when I was a young convert to the church? Oh, wait, not born yet.
Thank-you for saying it now. I am going to share this with all of the women I care about no matter what their ages. It is important stuff to think about and act on.
Really powerful post here. Thank you! “Those in power in this church-men-must begin to know what it feels like to be a Mormon woman.” Oh, how true that is. Until they do, nothing will change.
Excellent!
Great post, mraynes!
Your approach totally makes sense. But I can’t help but wonder, or wish, that somewhere a General Authority would be called who was married to a really assertive woman, and who had learned to listen to her. It’s unfortunate that it would have to work that way, but it seems like a few women in the right places in the Church might change the broader Church. Unfortunately, I would guess that the qualities that lead a man to end up being called as a General Authority are not positively correlated with the qualities that would lead a man to be attracted to an assertive woman. I’m not saying it can’t (or doesn’t) happen, but I suspect that it’s the exception.
Poelman’s wife is a doctor . . .
MRaynes,
I’m always impressed with your posts, but this one blew me away. I love how you explain this concept on a micro-level. It encourages me to keep up the good fight in church. Sometimes I wonder if people know what’s coming out of my mouth when I raise my hand in R.S. I usually start with, “On the other hand. . . ” But I do have people come tell me they were thinking the same thing but didn’t say it.
Speaking truth is a powerful thing.
Thanks for this post!