For three-year-old Wally, the cast had been a nuisance standing between him and a pirate ship in the bathtub, an everyday accessory of his favorite color, and a hindrance to getting a good grip on the rock climbing wall at the playground.
For his brother and sisters, the cast had been a weapon to be feared in the car, and the culprit of “what’s that smell?”
But for me the cast carried fond memories of that night.
That night that followed “that day.”
We awoke with a start. Down an adult, since Somebody was traveling, we had only 20 minutes to get everyone ready and out the door, with extra pressure having played our “overslept” card the day before. With my own hair wet from a quick shower, I asked my oldest daughter to put the boys in the car while I did the other’s hair, and a ponytail’s time later Wally was crying in pain.
The sound of the school bell loomed, so with no time to solve the mysterious arm cry, I buckled him up and scrambled to beat the clock.
When we got home, I found the door from the garage to the house locked, the only key was with my daughter at school where we had just left.
And Wally was still crying.
I went to make four-year-old Stevie’s lunch and found grain moths rampant in the pantry.
And Wally was still crying.
I went about my day, running errands and doing whatever it is I do that sucks time, talent and energy and leaves nothing but crumbs to show for it. And though Wally had taken a break from crying he was not using his arm.
But later that evening after shuttling children around the city, Wally was again crying.
Sensing a bad night ahead, we went to urgent care for 2.5 hours of being trapped with all 4 kids in one room, where the nurse felt so bad for me she brought my kids popsicles, crackers and juice boxes and me a Diet Coke.
And Wally was still crying.
We left at 8:30, still no dinner, to run for the supplies to finish the science project, then got dinner at a drive through.
And Wally was still crying.
As I grew weary with the darkness of the night and lateness of the hour, Wally was still crying.
He couldn’t get comfortable in bed, so I finally resigned myself to the fate of the two of us spending the night in the big leather chair. Fall is a fleeting flirt in the South, the sun warms the days, but leaves cold nights. You don’t know whether to run the AC or turn on the furnace, so you do neither. This night I was uncomfortably cool, so searching for something to keep us warm, I happened upon the quilt, the heirloom quilt.
I love heirlooms, but own very few. This quilt I begged off my mom, not because I knew some great history behind it, but because I was drawn to the retro vintage fabric in it. I got it with the intention that it would keep me warm, not realizing it would also keep me company.
As I sat that night, drifting in and out of sleep with Wally whimpering, I felt so alone. I was exhausted from a chaotic day, and now I couldn’t even take respite with a few hours of sleep in my comfy bed alone, and it would be another day before help would arrive. It was 2am, there was no one to buoy me.
As I snuggled beneath the quilt with little Wally, I felt a strange but calm sense of strength and love exude from the stitches. I thought of my great grandmother I have never met but is revered as any woman could be in my family. I thought of her struggles, losing her husband with a house full of children in the Great Depression.
I thought of Grandma Nelson, a woman who found a contagious joy in every child she loved. I thought of my mom, as solid as a rock, who never sits down and never seems tired. I found strength in these women, in my heritage, and in their quilt. I felt their spirit and their love wrap around me through the quilt. And when morning came, I didn’t want to fold it up and put it away.
I was reminded of an Elder Holland’s talk of angels at a general conference:
In the course of life all of us spend time in “dark and dreary” places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement….But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself.
Real or not, my angels came to me that night through the stitches of a quilt and the fabric of my roots. I did not earn their place, but I felt their love.
Do you believe in angels?
No, I don’t believe in angels in any traditional sense. But I do believe that we carry our ancestors with us, whether we realize it or not and that – that means you did earn their place – they are part of you. I often think of my Grandma who always took a sympathetic ear to me no matter what. I try to see my children as she would see them, doing no wrong. It’s quite a blessing to be able to tap into a legacy of that kind of love. I think most people can access that kind of love – either through some member of their family, or someone special in their lives. That sensation – that feeling of not being alone, yet not being able to see the source of the love, is how I see angels.
Lovely post Mel!
And such a vivid description of how draining and lonely parenting can be. I don’t know if I believe in angels, but I certainly believe that we can be angels for each other — that we can find ways to support and lift one another through hard times. My mom knits (and makes jewelry, clothes — all kinds of stuff). I love getting blankets from her, when I open the boxes I can smell her perfume on the wool and I love having something that has been in her hands and been close to her body when I am so far away.
Laurie – I think that sensation is exactly what I was feeling. I think of angels not necessarily as actual beings (with or without wings) but as my way of understanding how interconnected we all are. It’s easier for me to understand this idea when I think of them as a legacy of love rooting me on.
Heidi – Loved that idea about your mom’s knitting. It comforts me to think that the energy we put into something, whether it’s physical entities or maybe even written words, can be palpably felt across barriers of time and space.
I was studying something else about this topic on another blog.Incredibly, your linear perspective on it is diametrically contradicted to what I read before. I am still reflecting over the opposite points of view, but I’m tipped heavily toward yours. And in any case, that’s what is so superb about contemporary democracy and the marketplace of ideas on-line.