It’s a big week for birthdays at Doves & Serpents and today is my birthday. Only 365 more days left in my 30’s and I’m not sure I want to leave this decade yet. When I was a little girl, I remember watching my grandmother look in the mirror bewildered that her reflection did not match the youth of her spirit. She didn’t feel any older, so what was happening with her body?
The older I get the more I understand her. My 40’s are intimidating because I have an expectation that by the time one reaches this decade, she has her life pretty well under control. Yet here I am, merely a year away, and I don’t even know what’s for dinner on any given night. I don’t feel any more responsible than I did as a 20 year old.
This year of 38 has been monumental in my life journey. I was introduced this year to a story in the Bible (I honestly don’t know how I made it through 38 years of church-going and missed it??) and have reflected on it throughout the year. I feel a connection with the story of the man at the waters of Bethesda who remained at the edge of the healing pool for 38 years unable or unwilling to be healed. According to John, the waters would be “troubled” by an angel every season after which the first person to enter them “was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.”
Jesus appears and asks this particular man if he wants to be made whole, and the man answers that he can’t because he doesn’t have anyone to take him to the waters after they are troubled by the angel. And someone always steps in ahead of him.
Jesus replies “Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.”
And the man is made whole.
As I have prepared to leave my 30’s there are a myriad of “what if’s” and “should of’s” I can’t help but consider. And as I do, it’s easy to blame my circumstances or other people for the things I regret. I didn’t have enough money or time or childcare or whatever it was to do the things I wanted. Every one of my regrets has a pretty little excuse attached to it to make me feel better, to eliminate the responsibility I had in making the choice to let money, time or childcare get in the way of what it was I really wanted.
But as I connect to this man who was so close to being whole, yet so far away, I thought about God asking me the same question one day and decided I don’t want to be left offering excuses about why I didn’t follow up on my dreams or let life pass me by. So this year, I’ve begun to own my life. I’ve begun to seek divine help to get up off my mat and leave behind the excuses. But doing so is difficult as I have to look at some of the ugly parts of myself that I like to disguise, the part of me that procrastinates or forgets or avoids.
Without excuses, facing 40 is a little daunting. But there’s no stopping the clock now. Game on.
I’m interested to know how you handle these milestone birthdays in your own life.
Happy Birthday!!
When I read the title, I thought this was going to be about your yoga class.
I had a big milestone birthday last year and I handle it the same way as your grandma–looking in the mirror and moaning about how the image doesn’t match. This post is a great motivation for getting off my rear and going for my dreams. It’s true, there’s always an excuse, but somehow we always find a way to do what we REALLY want, don’t we?
That is an adorable picture.
Turning 40 for me was interesting. At 16 and in young women’s, I thought I would marry the missionary I was writing to as soon as he returned, move into the house near my parents and grandma, and begin having 16 children to fill up my life. Instead, I went out with a group of a professional women to a bar and watched Thunder From Down Under at the Casino. That’s not really typical of what I do but it was crazy and fun and makes me blush when I think about it now.
Part of me is wistful, as I watch my sisters live their typical Mormon lives with husbands, temple marriages, and stay at home duties all for their kids. The other part is full of joy and glad I had a great time with my friends. I love to travel. I love to meet all sorts of different people and be open to learning about them. I love art and music and tasting good food and fine wine. I’m too liberal and happy to be stuck in a situation dictated by church authority. I tried for a long time to fit that Mormony thing. The reality is – I was built to learn, lead, and have fun in life. The other reality is that I did marry two very abusive Mormon men – I gave it a run for the money but couldn’t get that subservient thing going. I’m glad I don’t have to meet with any more Bishops to discuss my life choices and receive counsel from men who told me things like – why do you need another degree, you should get married.
I’m very glad that God did NOT allow me to get what I wanted at 16. I have a work to do and am very happy that it has nothing to do with the Mormon church. My next 40 years are going to be very exciting since I don’t have a structure in mind like I did in my youth. I’m going to blow the doors off and do some really cool things.
I deal with milestone birthdays by not dealing with them at all. Denial can be good sometimes. If anyone asks I’m still 27. 27 was a good age and as long as I don’t have any gray hairs I think I can still pass for it.
Game on.
I SO relate to everything you wrote. (I even have that same birthday coming up in a few months.) “No excuses” has even become a mantra for me as of late. Love the new perspective on that story, and I’m planning to take up my mat with you. It does seem to get easier with age! …..
Love this, Mel. I’m 37, so just a couple years behind you. I haven’t experienced any angst yet over birthdays, but I’ve watched my husband experience it at 30 and then REALLY experience it at 40. This gives me a lot to think about.
I’ve always loved this story. I think I learned it from my Lutheran grandmother as a little girl. Thanks for your take on it. Adore the picture of little Mel!
My Dad had his 50th birthday this week, and singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him made me think about these kind of questions. I’ve always thought of him as being really young – and now it’s impossible to think of him in those terms!
I enjoyed how your post explores how we use milestones of birthdays to think about dreams and goals. The wonderful truth is that even a year is enough time to accomplish so much – we are limited only by our energy and determination. I’m so glad I live in a time in history where medical science means that I can expect to be active and productive for many productive ‘lifetimes’ of my ancestors. It sounds like it’s been a significant time in your life, Mel.
BTW, love the photo of you! :)