When I was a tween/teen, we didn’t ever really get punished-at least I don’t remember being punished. We didn’t really have rules per se, either. We were all motivated by desperately not wanting to disappoint our parents, so we pretty much did what we were supposed to do (and avoided the things we weren’t supposed to do). At a week-long church camp, some other kids tried to persuade me to sneak out and go . . . sit in the lounge and eat food from the vending machines (oooh . . . such rebels!). I wouldn’t have any of it. I wasn’t even tempted to do it. All I could do was imagine how disappointed my parents would be if they caught wind that I had broken the rules (cue the ominous music). I wasn’t supposed to do it, therefore I didn’t do it. So I didn’t and that was that.
I didn’t really have a set curfew, although I was supposed to knock on my parents’ door when I got home. I think I mostly came home around midnight, although sometimes it was later.
And it was understood (but not ever spoken, at least I don’t recall) that on one of the two weekend nights, I was supposed to either hang with my parents and younger brother or babysit my younger brother so my parents could go out. The other night I was free to do stuff with my friends. I don’t remember complaining about this or wishing it were otherwise.
So I always thought it strange when one of my friends got grounded. We didn’t get grounded at my house. Or sometimes friends would get their “phone privileges” taken away. That didn’t ever really happen at my house (although the parent in me now thinks that perhaps it should have; I talked on the phone a lot!). When I talked on the phone too much, my parents told me to get off. If I didn’t do it right away, they got on the family line and said, “Heather, time to get off the phone” and that pretty much settled it.
Fast forward 25 years. I’m now the parent of a teenager and a tween. I sometimes feel at a loss regarding how to punish them or, as one friend prefers, how to “impose consequences.” My kids are mostly pretty great. They get good grades in school with precious little nagging from us, do their chores with (mostly) minimal reminding/begging, and (mostly) behave with their technology. But when they don’t, I’m at a loss. Thinking back to my parenting-toddler days, I turn reflexively to natural consequences-something you impose that is related to the misbehavior. So, when my middle daughter was 3 and refused to wear a coat, she experienced the natural consequence of being cold, which was supposed to make her consent to wearing a coat next time.
But I’m stuck with my older kids as far as natural consequences. What is a natural consequence of the following:
- Bringing home a bad report card?
- Lying?
- Talking back to a parent?
- Watching too much TV?
- Being mean to a sibling?
- Neglecting to do a household chore?
Do these kinds of fairly typical teen behaviors warrant natural consequences, or do we trash that and go for the jugular (=grounding, taking away computers/videogames/TV/cell phones, Facebook)? Parents of teens, how do you handle the punishment/consequence question?
I’m looking forward to others’ comments on this one. I’ve had a lot of training and now experience with young children and parenting issues, but adolescents are another story. I’ve done some family therapy where the goal was pretty much just focused on “how can I reduce the probability that this teen will commit another felony or misdemeanor.” :) So when it comes to consequences for report cards, talking back, being mean, etc. I’m at a loss when it comes to specific techniques.
Growing up I was grounded a few times, the last of which was probably around 11 or 12. One time when I was 16 I stayed out until 3 am (very unusual for me) and my parents talked to me for about an hour or two in the middle of the night. That was pretty memorable.)
I don’t have teenagers or even tweens yet, but here’s my two cents: The worst punishment for me growing up wasn’t when my parents spanked me with a belt or when they grounded me, it was when I was told to go to my room and think up a punishment for myself. I don’t think this would work for every kid for obvious reasons, but I remember that I was probably a little harder on myself than I needed to be because I felt so remorseful for whatever I had done. It also gave me time to cool down from my teenage hormone-fueled anger and to think about what happened and why I needed a punishment calmly. As far as the household chores go, perhaps one way of getting them to do what they are asked to do is to give and take a little. Many of us adults have very busy schedules and it may seem that teenagers are loafing around doing nothing (which during the summer may indeed be the case), however, during the school year they get exponentially busier going to school, studying for tests, reading assigned homework, making flash cards or presentations, etc. and they are utterly EXHAUSTED when you add in all of the hormonal ups and downs of a typical day. That doesn’t mean that they should get off scot-free in the chores department because every child needs to contribute to the running of the household even if they aren’t able to make financial contributions. So, how important is it for them to take the trash out every day? Is it a daily necessity or can you give them a deadline– maybe that you expect the trash to be outside by Tuesday, for example? Here you may not have things done on your time table, but you’ll know that they’ll get around to it. Troy’s mom had a chore chart that they had to do and for which they got an allowance for finishing said jobs. If they DIDN’T do them, she actually deducted money from their weekly allowance. Most kids like having spending cash in their pocket so this seems like it may work to both party’s advantages. And, if they’re getting bad grades and you know it’s because they aren’t making an effort to get better and do what they need to do to pass the class then I think a natural consequence is that they can’t go out with friends, or you tell them that they’ll have to scale back on extracurricular activities such as dance or music until their grades improve. This can sting, especially when it’s something they really enjoy doing. Of course, I may totally change my tune on this when my kids become tweenagers in the next 7 years. Yikes! Good luck!!
Lexi, you are so right about cutting them some slack–especially during school. This is hard for me. But when I read your comment, it seems so rational and clear. Ha ha.
With my kids, it worked really well for me to ask the oldest kid to figure out what rules would be reasonable, like what time he should be home, etc. And, he usually followed his own rule, which was frequently a bit stricter then I might have made it. I didn’t ever come up with a good solution to the fighting with his brother problem. My younger kid didn’t fall for the setting your own strict rule thing at all, and I had a hard time coming up with much that motivated him to do better in school etc.
My friend used to take away her son’s videogame controllers when he hadn’t done chores, or had messed up school work, and it worked to some extent with him. She has a heavy New York accent, and it’s a family joke with us– if I get annoyed with one of the boys, I holler out “Patrick, I’m gonna take away your controllers!” in my best tough NY accent.
LOVE the snarky NY accent, Paula! Way to parent with humor.
You were parented with respect – why not do it the same way? Otherwise you pit yourself against your children & they stop talking to you more & more. Use a lot of “I” messages. Listen. Work things out. Have a minimal amount of rules. Your family is unique & you need to come up with these answers within your family.
Personally, I don’t allow meanness. If one is mean to another, I get in between the two and say “NO meanness” and then talk with them about what on the earth is going on with them. This is respectful to all involved, in my opinion. It does take time, and a lot of caring but your family is worth it.
I suggest studying nonviolent communication & parenting.
I’m totally the same with meanness. We have a zero tolerance policy on mean talk, hitting, talking disrespectfully. Their consequence for being mean is me yelling at them that it’s unacceptable (because that’s really “nice” and non-violent, right? ; – )) or making them sit down and listen to the story about their grandma, the only child – and how lonely she was, and how lucky they are to have siblings. Now I can just say, “Is it time to hear the story of poor Grandma again?” and they usually chill.
The thing about parenting is that it is such a different form of communication from anything I’ve ever done outside of it. It’s like running a marathon. And right at mile 25 the kids know how to break you. I do all sorts of things as a parent that I vowed I wouldn’t do before I had kids. It’s humbling.
My parents used money to motivate our grades. That may be the only disciplining they got right for me. They paid us for As and Bs, and we had to pay them for Ds and Fs. Cs were neutral. I think this system is sort of a “natural consequence” because after school, earning potential is often tied to performance.
Good point about earning potential, Analisa. As a kid, however, I tried complaining to my parents that other people got paid for good grades. My complaints fell 100% on deaf ears. We just had to get As. That was all there was to it. There was no payment for doing what we were just supposed to do.
My kids have raised the issue as well. But it seems silly to pay my kids for something they’re already doing without payment (for now, anyway). They’re motivated intrinsically, so I don’t want to introduce an extrinsic motivation like $$.
Fascinating to hear everyone’s ideas. Keep ’em coming!
This is definitely a tough subject. I always think the best way is to set up expectations for their behavior. I frame it that these expectations (good grades, chores, show respect to others) or similar to the expectations one would have a job. Then you are given certain privileges or payment when you meet those expectations. These can be based on your families values. I think it could be money or a later curfew or something else they want. If they do not meet those expectations they do not get the reward, just like real world that if you do not do your job you do not get paid. I think this will allow you to set up expectations based on their current stage of life. Some years their classwork is really heavy and they may need less chores while others you may want to add to their to do list. You can also then vary the privileges to include things such as cell phones, texting, video game time. I think this can be done in a matter of fact manner that allows them to still see the consequences of their behavior although they may not always be natural.
Ok Michelle, I’m going to challenge you with a real life example!
You’ve set up realistic expectations for your fairly brilliant high schooler’s report card. They weren’t met (ahem, the grades were atrocious). You set up tutoring and monitoring and remove privileges. That didn’t help. You get the school involved, keep the tutoring, keep the monitoring of homework, try to motivate the best you know how. That didn’t help improve the report card.
After several dismal report cards, removing of privileges doesn’t work, and incentive don’t work… what do you do? What is a proper consequence for a kid who is clearly telling their parent that they just don’t care?
(Not that I have ANY experience with this!)
I’m listening.
Okay, I don’t have a teenager yet. My baby is 3. However, I’m still young enough to remember what it was like being a teenager. And maybe this sounds overly simplistic and trite, but here’s my two cents. If I had a teenager who wasn’t doing their homework, I’d probably try talking to them. WHY don’t they care? Is there something else going on? Are they being rebellious for a reason? Do they have fears or other concerns? Do they want attention? Are they bored? Do they think they’re stupid? Are they trying to be “cool” and not do their homework? Are they trying to hide? Are they trying to deliberately upset you? There’s almost certainly a reason why they aren’t doing their homework. Even if it’s apathy and laziness, there’s a reason for that apathy and laziness. People don’t do things without a reason, even if that reason is irrational or illogical, there’s always a reason or motivation behind every action. I think it would help to listen and find out what that reason is. Teenagers often feel like “nobody cares about me.” Show them you care by listening. I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard great things about “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”. (There’s one especially for teens as well.)
Rewards or punishments won’t work for kids who are trying to assert control over their lives. I don’t think kids can be forced into doing something they don’t want to do. And the more you try to make them try to do something, they more they will resist, or build up resentment. If they won’t talk to a parent, maybe an aunt, a sibling, a teacher? There’s got to be somebody impressionable in their life. Talk to them about their future. What do they want out of life? Every one has things they want. If they can have goals that they can work toward in their future, it may motivate them to do things that will help them accomplish those goals.
Not being a parent, I always feel free to offer unsolicited parenting advice ;-) I will say that my sister’s kids are great and sometimes she and I work together to think up memorable consequences. Once my nephews were told to clean their rooms before they left for their dad’s house. They did not. So she, I and their older sister worked to clean it up (not much of a punishment, right), but wait there is more. We timed how much time it took us to clean their room. We then wrote up an invoice from
Yo’ Momma Does Work Here Cleaning….for a price.
We charged them the going writing project teacher rate of 75$ / hour and minimum wage for their sister (who was in high school). The total bill came out to their saved allowances and money they had earned cutting grass. (Except for their sister’s money we sneakily put the money in a college account). It was amazingly effective. So anytime they did not clean their room we would just rub our hands together and say “ok, we will do it for you….for a price”.