I’ve read two things recently that bothered me-perhaps especially as the wife of Mr. Cheap Seats.
Exhibit A: An article in the Deseret News titled “When children have chosen another way,” which begins with this:
“Perhaps the greatest heartbreak I have seen in my life is the heartbreak of a parent who has a child who has turned their back on the standards, values or morals with which they have been raised.”
The greatest heartbreak the author has seen is when a parent has a child who “goes astray”? Who doesn’t follow in his/her parents’ footsteps? Wow.
As my children get older (they are now 9, 12, and 15), I have begun thinking more and more about what my kids could do with their lives that would cause me to grieve the most deeply. Some of the things are choices they could make that would bring about misery; others are things that could happen to them through no fault of their own. I would be heartbroken, for instance, if one of my children got terminal cancer or if he/she suffered physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a spouse (or, God forbid, if he/she perpetrated abuse). I would be heartbroken if one of my children suffered from debilitating depression and I was powerless to fix it. I would be heartbroken if one of my children became addicted to drugs (I read the harrowing book Beautiful Boy a couple years ago and cannot stop thinking about it).
So, yeah. Those things would break my heart. But having a child who turns his/her back on my “standards”? Not a heart-breakable offense (unless it involves my children becoming Fox News aficionados).
I think this might be largely a function of my own hope that no one’s heart is breaking over me. So maybe, in my subconscious mind, if I grant this flexibility to my future adult children, it will ricochet back in time towards me. Sort of like paying it forward, but in reverse.
Exhibit B: A Facebook conversation I read in which someone asserted that the greatest thing for parents is to see their children grow up and adopt their worldview. I think I can peel back a few layers and remember this sentiment-wanting my children to believe what I believe, wanting them to make the same kinds of choices I have made, wanting their lives to look an awful lot like mine. And don’t get me wrong-I’m not entirely ready to let go of that idea. [Those who know me closely know how much I’m struggling to not be openly derisive of my 12 year old’s decision to become a 7th grade cheerleader.]
But I think I’m ready to release the idea of measuring the effectiveness of my parenting according to the degree to which my children adopt (or reject) my Mormon beliefs and behaviors.
I don’t want my children to be something (in this case, Mormon) or believe something because I am that thing or because I believe that thing (unless it’s believing in public education; then I expect them to toe the party line). I want my children to be whatever they’re going to be because it feels right to them or because it makes them feel happy or at peace or alive. I want them to believe what they believe because they’ve chosen to believe it-not because I hauled them to church every week and told them I believed it.
It will much more satisfying and enjoyable for me to watch my children grow up and chart their own path rather than looking in my rear view mirror and watching them tag along behind me on mine.
And in many ways, they’re already doing that and I am quite enjoying it (cheerleading be damned).
LOVE THIS! I hope I can be as awesome a parent as you Heather! :)
I’ve heard a lot of those same sentiments from my parents and my in-laws in regards to their “heartbreak” over our dissaffection. They find it personally offensive and insulting that we don’t want to be exactly like them. My mom is a super-mom who is a rockstar homemaker and caregiver and who has worked tirelessly raising kids and never working outside of the home her entire married life. I on the other hand absolutely HATE about 70% of stay-at-home momhood and find it EXTREMELY difficult to adopt those kinds of traditional gender role views that she and my dad have. My feminist approach to “roles” of women “breaks her heart” because she feels like I must have no respect for her “life’s work”. Not true. I have tons of respect for surgeons, but that doesn’t mean I’m cut out to be one.
My father-in-law has expressed his heartbreak as well over my husbands unwillingness to simply accept his (my FIL) answers and faith promoting experiences as “truth”. It is a slap in the face to him that my husband trusts the studies of scholars and historians and scientists over his intellect. Is he a scholar, historian, or scientist? No. But hes insulted that my husband takes their word over his on scholarly, historic, and scientific matters. It really is quite ridiculous.
Bottom line is, the church promotes the idea that these kinds of things should cause heartbreak. Nevermind depression, cancer, tragic accidents (at funerals they focus on NOT being heartbroken), abuse, ect. The message to us is clear; CONFORM or break your parent’s hearts. A more unfair standard than this couldn’t be made. Its a no-win situation for both sides.
Great post, Heather. I love it. As human beings (parents especially), we can be so hungry for validation that we stifle and limit others by not honoring their agency. Which causes pain all around.
I read the Deseret News piece that you linked to, and I was struck by what the stake president told the group (paraphrasing): “The way to stop hurting is to stop loving, but that’s Satan’s way, so we just have to endure the disappointment.” While that’s true — love and pain go hand-in-hand, because the nature of mortality is such that there will always be loss — I think it’s important to consider that maybe being so attached to another person’s outcome that you cannot see the good and beauty of the path they have chosen isn’t love. It’s fear. It’s control. Things that aren’t love hurt, too.
That’s not a condemnation, by the way. We all do it. But C.S. Lewis said it well in The Great Divorce. A woman who had died was reflecting on her mortal experience. She said, “So much of what we called love down there was really the craving to be loved.”
Getting filled by God, or by our own sense of worth, frees us of this to a large extent. When we feel like we’re enough in ourselves suddenly we stop demanding so much of other people and our children. When we don’t rely on them for validation, we can engage people more cleanly, less desperately, and that’s good for everyone.
I lost my faith and got engaged to a non-member in basically the same week. (I am now a fervent advocate of NOT making huge life decisions in the midst of a faith crisis, but I digress.) My parents were, of course, heartbroken. My mom asked me, in tears, whether I wanted to enjoy the beauty and permanence of a temple marriage, or a thoroughly inferior civil marriage. I replied that I didn’t care– I just wanted to marry the man I loved. My mom said, “That is the worst thing you could EVER say to me,” and she meant it. It really hurt me that she thought that was the absolute worst thing I could ever say, worse than “I have cancer” or “my husband is abusive” or something along those lines. It still hurts to know that any successes I have in life in any arena will never make up for the disappointment I caused my parents by losing my faith.
My not-LDS friends often ask me why I don’t date not-LDS guys. I have a tendency to fall hard and fast, and I know that if I chose to marry a man who could not marry me in the temple, my mom would be devastated. I actually think my mom sees me as more righteous and pure and holy and sainted because I haven’t taken that path yet. Ironic, since I tend to play the mind game with myself that I’m still single as punishment for my sins. My mom would react the same way your mom did–she’d rather see me alone forever than with a man who loved me and made me happy, regardless of religion. I try not to think about it too often…on so many days my faith is hanging by a thread…
Thank you for this post. When I looked up that article last week it really bothered me. I think it spoke to a lot of my biggest fears as the kid who chooses differently. It’s been helpful to see parents comment on the article and disagree with it. That gives me hope.
Ok, let me state my disclaimer first: I am a former hard-core believer, wife of a former bishop who moved on from 35 years of adult Mormonism during my husband’s 6-year term. Nothing having to do with him or my ward, just an evolution of beliefs.
I am also the mother of three children. The first died at the age of 4 months, #2 is 35, and #3 passed away at 13 months. When child #2 was 19 he said in no uncertain terms that he would never go on a mission. At that point in my life his father and I were devastated. I said then that “watching a child turn away from the Gospel is much tougher than losing 2 children in death–don’t stone me–because, the other 2 children, I know where they are.”
But even though I no longer believe, i do remember how utterly and completely lost i was when my son declared his lack of faith and testimony in the Church. Husband and I don’t have a history of regular couple prayers, we did pray mightily for months that his “heart might be softened.” Incidendally, 5 months after that conversation with him, he announced that he had prayed, received an answer, and was going on a mission. The “Families are Forever” but only if everyone is firm in the Gospel teaching leaves no room for those who are wobbly in the faith. You’re in or you’re out. And having any family members “out” is terrifying because it’s also “forever.”
And today, while it still hurts to have watched the other two suffer and to remember their pain-ridden short lives, I now no longer worry about whether I’ll be with them again.
1st mistake: reading the Deseret News.
@Colin, hilarious! You are right. Why do I do it?? I saw it linked on someone’s page . . .
I feel like a glutton for punishment every time I visit DN.
Hey, thanks for this, it really struck a cord with me. Yeah, there’s a hell of a lot more things that kids could end up doing that would be more devastating to their future as human beings than losing faith in the Church. It’s scary even thinking about. I’ve had conversations with my wife during my faith crisis about how our children will grow up differently than she and I did, they’re going to have a father that doesn’t fit the typical honorable priesthood holder role. I can tell it’s scary for her. I know she wants good things for them but I get the impression that she wants them to grow up just like she did. That bothers me. I don’t want to teach them to think like us, I want them to learn how to think for themselves. To people who express worry about my kids because of my lack of faith I like to ask, what exactly do you think will happen to my kids if they don’t grow up like you think they should?
Have you noticed the grammar in the DN ( “a child who has turned their back”) reflects the same standard of excellence as the content of the articles?
Ha ha. Good eye, Course Correction. ;)
I think this is profoundly sad that culture creates pain where there does not need to be hurt. I think I would have been devastated in my TBM days. But I see so much love and amazing beauty in all human beings.
We do tell out children that “you are incharge of you”. And that we hope to teach them the skills they need to be capable of being incharge of themselves. I guess my wish for my children is that they create good in the world and that they find joy.
Maybe that is a tall order too. I try to do it from love and not fear. And we tell them we will always love them forever and ever becuase they are our child. I hope it sinks in.
We had a conversation regarding this issue a few days ago. I was ranting about the missionary program, and saying how I am at the point where I do NOT want my son to serve a mission because I think it’s a waste of his time (I would rather he actually serve mankind in ways that are so needed right now). I realized as I was speaking that I need to allow him the opportunity to choose to serve a mission if it fulfills him. And I’m going to have to learn to swallow my pride and allow him to choose the course that best fits him (even if it’s a full tithe paying temple marrying mission serving prophet following TBM).
“Heartbreak” if your kids choose different standards than the ones you’ve inculcated in them? Uh…no. That’s really all about power, and unfairly expecting your kids to validate YOUR life-choices by going the same way. And Jessica’s comment is spot-on, about the culture creating pain where none needs to be. That’s why I became inactive–I couldn’t keep attending a church that was causing me such deep pain every Sunday. I just don’t believe God wants us in a church that makes us feel bad about ourselves all the time. (And no, no heinous sins were committed by me to make me feel that way! CHURCH did it.)
This is such a great post, Heather. I remember when four of my siblings all bailed from the church within a few weeks of each other. We were all still teenagers, and you would’ve thought from the heavy somber that settled on our house that there had been a series of deaths. I wish I could go back to that time and be a more loving, more supportive sibling. Instead, I felt like I needed to tow the line and be the best little Mormon I could to help assuage my parents’ heartbreak.
My mom, who was inactive for most of her adult life, always told us that the worst thing that could happen to her is for one of us to die before she did. She said that would just crush her, and in a way that gave me a confidence in my mother’s love for me. I always wanted to drive safely, stay away from drugs, etc., to keep myself safe for her sake. I believed in heaven, but she wasn’t really sure about it. Her top priority was living a full life with me still in it, and I’m glad she chose to communicate that to me.
I love that, Dayna. Living a full life with my kids still in it.