I’m nearly 20 years removed from the dating scene, so it goes without saying that I do not have my finger on the pulse of the dating world these days. I don’t understand how dating/flirting works now that we have Facebook and texting and instant messaging and FaceTime (and a bunch of other things of which I’m blissfully unaware). When I was a teenager, I passed real live notes to boys that I liked and talked to them on the phone until one of my parents forced me to hang up. I wish I had some wisdom to pass down to my teenage and soon-to-be-teenage daughters, but it’s all quite perplexing, to tell you the truth.
Since so many other things have changed, I’m curious as to whether the expectation that the male pays has changed. That was the norm when I was in high school, but I didn’t like the way it made me feel beholden to the boy-like I owed him something-so I often didn’t go along with it. I had an after-school job beginning at age 15, so I preferred to pay my own way-not all the time, but at least some of the time.
I’ve asked a few friends who all say that the boy still typically pays. Granted, I live in a smallish (pop. 30,000) east Texas town, so maybe the tide has turned elsewhere, but not in our town?
This expectation strikes me as surprisingly old fashioned and unfair. Now that I have a 15 year old daughter, I don’t like the idea of her going out with boys and expecting them to pay. And when Stuart gets to be that age, I don’t think I’ll love the idea that going out on a date means he pays for everything.
So what do y’all think? If you’re female, were you okay with the boy always paying? If you’re male, did you feel like you’d gotten the short end of the stick?
And for those of you who are parents of teenagers, how do you handle this? Do you let boys pay your daughter’s way, or do you encourage her to pay her own way?
Someone bring me up to speed!
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Even growing up, my parents taught us that whoever invites should be responsible for paying. And if it is a mutual kind of event or activity, everyone pays their own way. So if I have invited someone out, I would pay (or at least offer, since sometimes the accompanying party did not want me to pay for them). And if I have been invited out, then I have been okay with my part being paid for. I think it’s a nice measure of respect and civility. Even now that I’m married, if I want to go to a movie and invite my husband, I’ll pay for our date and vice versa. It works out pretty nicely and we both sometimes get to feel especially cherished. :)
When I was in the dating scene, I justified being the one who paid for dates by looking at how much more $$$ it costs for young women to keep up with clothes, cosmetics, etc. than for a young man to keep up with comparable fashions.
Those that invite, pay. At least the first time. And then you kind of alternate, I think.
Ahhh…the who pays debate, eh? There are no rules anymore. It is sometimes quite unclear how things will go down right until the moment someone reaches for the check. I think the person who asks should pay (when it is the first date, etc.).
Alina, have you dealt with this with S.? Does he go out on dates? Does he always pay?
I think it’d be a lot better if we moved toward everyone paying their own way, unless someone does reach for the check and specifically offers to pay for both. That can be nice sometimes, but it’s just not logical to me as a standard practice. Standard practice should be: You’re going out to eat, and you need to pay for your food regardless of whose idea it was to go out.
The real question is how to change the expectations, though, because people are so awkward about money. It’s easy enough if the girl says she’s paying for herself, but what does a boy say to let a girl know that he wants them both to pay for their own stuff? Girls who still have the expectation of being taken on a date will probably think he’s an enormous jerk, and even in the best case scenario, it might just be awkward.
I’m in agreement that whoever invites, pays. I hated having men pay for dates, I really did. It always felt weird. I still like to whip out the debit card for meals out with my husband… it feels balanced. I also have never waited for a man to open my door. Are you closest to the door? Open it and hold it for those coming behind you.
As the mother of a son with a girlfriend – a son who has been job hunting for months and has no source of income yet – I’m not a fan of the boys-must-pay-and-be-chivalrous theory. Things are so casual now, that it seems fair for each to pay their own way.
He has gone on some dates and he does pay if he asks the girl. But he doesn’t really date and is not interested in a girlfriend, which makes me very grateful. His exact words are “girls are too expensive.” He also has gone to movies with girls that were friends that invited him and he did not pay for their tickets. On one such occasion the girl told him he was rude for not paying for her. He told her why should he pay for her movie that she was going to see anyways, and she invited him and they were going as friends. For winter formal he went stag because he didn’t want to buy a corsage and dinner for a girl that he didn’t want a relationship with. I couldn’t be more proud.
On that note, he is a self-proclaimed “stay-at-home-son” and would much rather go to dinner with his mom and spend time at home or in the gym or working. I love this about him.
Oh, I love this about him, too–and he’s not even mine!!
After reading a few comments I should add, I like when a guy pays but I don’t expect him to cover all expenses. I also like when he opens the door of a building or car, holds my hand or arm as I step down (especially if I am teetering on heels), hands me yoga blocks at the start of class(I’m so easy), etc. My ex-boyfriend would joke about getting lucky when he opened car doors and it is so true. I love chivalry. I am a sucker for a gentleman.
I’ll chip in as someone who’s currently in the 20-something dating scene. I’ve always paid for everything, but I’ve also done all of the asking. I’ve never been asked out by a woman. None of the women I’ve dated have offered to pay for anything, but I don’t know their motivations. They may have thought I was old fashioned and would have been insulted had they offered to pay. I’ve also gone out with women where we each considered each other as just friends and we both paid for ourselves.
My level of “chivalry” has also varied by who I was going out with. If I get out of the car and she’s not opening the door, I open it for her. If she gets out at the same time I do, I think nothing of it. Getting back into the car, I always unlock the car from the passenger side first, so I go ahead and open the door as well since I’m right there anyway. I don’t insist on holding building doors open for my date, but I’m also a pretty pro-active type of person, so if I can reach a door, I open it whether or not one of us is closer.
Frankly, I’m generally more interested in getting to know other attributes about a person on a date, rather than their personal stances on chivalry, who’s paying, etc. If figure if the relationship goes somewhere we can figure it out as we go along, rather than setting up some kind of standard or bar that my date has to meet from the get-go.
The person who asks pays, at least the first date, though the other person should at least offer to contribute or pay half. After that, you usually alternate, unless one of you makes a lot more money than the other. I think it’s really bad form to ask someone out on a first date and expect them to go dutch.
I’m with Zara. The person who asks should pay. Girls should ask more and insist on paying when they do and the culture should make it acceptable for them to do so.
I think it would be wonderful if the ladies picked up the bill every once in awhile. I am already ecstatic when ever one of them ask me on the date and not the other way around(do this more). Even those instances however I still ended up picking up the bill. I have always paid for ever date I have been on. I am not sure if this is the norm with guys or even members. I do know it did cause a bit of a problem. One girl would always ask to hang out and her hanging out always involved going to get food. Finally I got annoyed with this process and told her that I thought she was pretty much using me when ever she was hungry or needed something.
I’m in my mid-30’s and still in the dating scene. I used to not care that much about who paid. When a guy took me out, at the moment it came time to pay, I’d usually reach for my wallet, he’d usually say that he wanted to pay, and I’d let him. If I dated someone for more than just a few dates, I’d usually start inviting him over for meals at my place–I figured the home-cooked meals were my contribution, the eaten-out meals were his. In college and grad school, when I hung out with guys who were friends, we paid for ourselves.
A few years ago, I decided it was time to abandon the charade of me pretending that I wanted to pay for myself on a first date. Mostly I’m going out with guys also in their 30s, and for the most part we’re all pretty comfortable financially. Since a first date is usually a casual coffee/lunch/dinner, and this may be terrible, but honestly, if he doesn’t offer to pay for a $5-15 meal/snack, I think he’s being cheap. I’ve never made a big deal about it, but I just always think, “really?” With my platonic male friends, it usually ends up that they pay when we go out for a meal, and I cook when he comes over.
Want to know what REALLY bugs me, though? When I’m out with girls from church (or even in mixed company, but at 34, there are way more single LDS girls than guys where I am), and the check comes, and people insist on going around the table with the receipt and figuring out how much, individually, each of them should put it. It just strikes me as very cheap. Inevitably, people underestimate their tax+tip total, and the cash pot ends up short, and for some reason, I seem to be the one to supplement it. I haven’t seen a group of non-LDS friends/coworkers do this since college, at least. If you’re a grown-up out with a group, you total the bill+tip, divide by the number of people who ate, and everyone puts money in. If you’re out with a friend, you take turns picking up the tab. It communicates to the person that you intend for there to be opportunities for reciprocation, through more outings. It’s an investment in a friendship.
I realize that wasn’t really related to the original post, but it really feels good to get that off my chest!